lkjh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I mean come on. You are still keeping a room for her.
Confused4Now Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Let me state, I WILL NOT just leave her with this mess. I hope I don't come across that way. I would NEVER do that. Heck, I have a spare bedroom filled with things for her (and them) to help make it easier for them. Stuff that you don't think about, like spices, cleaning supplies, tools, first aid kit, paper clips, etc... But it is more than that, I know. I am Stampdaddy, and I will not let her fall. I just am confused as to how I will be able to handle the future.. Guess I will see... Wow you sound so much like me....it's scary!!!!
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Do you ever learn? Do you honestly believe that there will ever be a real chance with you two? Do you really think your soon to be ex, kids, friends, and family will ever except? No once she gets everything she needs she will cut you out. Once the kids know and she has to make a choice she will make the same one she made before.....THEM. You need to stop believing that you two are going to end up together. are you reading the same thread I started? jk.. THIS IS WHY I am posting this.. I have put my heart aside finally. This is my brain working now. I am not sitting here saying to myself, "oh boy! here she comes! I am SO happy! I can't wait for this trainwreck that's headed my way..."
Owl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I gotta give you some credit, Stamp. On a couple of fronts. You HAVE made a lot of headway, learned a lot in your time here on LS. You've gone from being some guy who totally and completely romanticized her and your situation to a man who eventually stood up and forced a real change in the situation, and gave some serious thought to outcomes...for everyone involved. It also takes a good amount of intestinal fortitude to post your update on this forum nowadays...but you did so anyway. Hang in there, friend. You know my thoughts about "closing the door" on letting her into your life again...but what you decide to do at this point is up to you. Keep posting man.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well, I think I relate to women the same, I guess.. I mean, I am sure that I have changed (in good ways, I hope), so moving forward, if it is meeting someone else, I hope at the least I have grown because of this. Don't know how I would relate specifically to another woman, cause I don't know her specifically yet. I am a fun, loving and caring man. I am a coach of alot of little guys (both football and baseball) and I am a good friend and neighbor. I have contact with alot of women, most married of course. I know I won't come out of this "looking" at women differently, meaning I won't think that the next girl will be a cheater, if that is what you are getting at. And, I know without a doubt, that I would NEVER, EVER be an OM again! Having read some of your backstory, she doesn't seem good for you, a bit toxic in fact however great she may be otherwise. Guard your heart pal. Don't let yourself be drug down again.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Just because she told you some truths, now, after the sh*t hit the fan, doesn't make her an honest person with integrity. Doesn't mean she won't lie and manipulate to the best of her ability to get what she wants. Sorry, stamp, but you are weak, weak, weak where she is concerned. You've finally developed some peace, and are ready to go for it again - complete with a room in your house and supplies, as though you've forgotten how it felt to be twisted around her finger for 4 years. Ever heard of succubi? Geez, dude, you were freeeeeeee! Why are you so willing and eager to get sucked back into her maelstrom? She'll take you down with her...again. NJ, I will admit, that the "storing of supplies" started a long time ago. It is a spare bedroom and that sh*t is just sitting in boxes. I havent added anything to it in months, maybe longer. And no, I havent forgotten how I felt back then, and I AM paying attention to HOW I FEEL NOW, hence this thread being started...
lkjh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 are you reading the same thread I started? jk.. THIS IS WHY I am posting this.. I have put my heart aside finally. This is my brain working now. I am not sitting here saying to myself, "oh boy! here she comes! I am SO happy! I can't wait for this trainwreck that's headed my way..." I am reading the thread. You are posting about how you are going to be there for her and if she needs it you have a room made for her. You posted about if you two get together and she lies you are out. She ahs been lying this entire time. You haven't changed, you are still waiting for her. Get strong and stop communicating with her. This means no contact, limited contact does not count.
Confused4Now Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Is when I was going through all of what SD was going through I found myself in a very unhealthy state. With me over a period of time I learned a lot about myself and I worked on getting to a healthy state. So all I can say is SD it's your life as long as you can be productive and maintain relationships in your life while helping your MW....then who cares what people say. Nobody lives in your head. but you .....so all you have to do is be YOU. Now if this is effecting you in a bad way...then I suggest you rethink things. Just take things real slow....and remember one thing..you will look like crap in her families eyes....but trust me things are happening in families all the time. The focus will be on some other thing that is going on and you'll be old news.
Owl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 NJ, I will admit, that the "storing of supplies" started a long time ago. It is a spare bedroom and that sh*t is just sitting in boxes. I havent added anything to it in months, maybe longer. And no, I havent forgotten how I felt back then, and I AM paying attention to HOW I FEEL NOW, hence this thread being started... You know Stamp...I love ya man...but you really should get rid of that box. I'd thought you had in a previous post. That you're still holding onto it is a sign that you HAVEN'T "let go" of her yet.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I am reading the thread. You are posting about how you are going to be there for her and if she needs it you have a room made for her. You posted about if you two get together and she lies you are out. She ahs been lying this entire time. You haven't changed, you are still waiting for her. Get strong and stop communicating with her. This means no contact, limited contact does not count. NO, she does NOT have a room waiting for her here...
wildsoul Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Your god father plan was really working. KEEP IT UP. I'm going to point out an opportunity I see for you in this situation, that clashes with the "stand by your woman" code of ethics, but bear me out. What IF your lesson is to learn how to love and support without becoming codependent? What IF her lesson is to stop depending on men to rescue her and learn how to be strong for herself? There is enormous potential for healing here. She somehow got the truth out onto the table (sounds like he pried it out of her.) But that matters now. The cats out of the bag. She might have really fu*ked it up by lying and cheating in the past, but if starting today, she starts being honest and gets the backbone to divorce, she will redeem herself. Assuming she is a good person underneath (YOU love her after all) then there is probably some collateral damage and guilt inside her from the affair. Her fear of his wrath and perhaps of her own independence seemed big enough to her before that she compromised her integrity. Now, she might be FINALLY ready to face the fears of divorce, clean up the damage, and get on track with herself again. SD, don't you DARE mess this up! Let her do this work. Don't take it away. This may be the most important turning point of her life. As for you, NOT picking up the pieces in order to prove you are loveable might cause you to face your WORST fears about yourself. But you can learn to NOT rescue out of love. It's selfless. You risk her lower-nature being upset with you. There's no guarantee, my friend. But if your intentions are good, then I think goodness will result. Walk this gauntlet, Stampdaddy. No one can predict the outcome for you two as a couple, but if you're to have a chance at ALL, the old codependent affair dynamic needs to be broken. You both need to rejoin as whole people. Even if you don't come back together someday, you need to become whole people. You can't lose. She has her own God, yanno. You don't have to take over. God is already helping her.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 You know Stamp...I love ya man...but you really should get rid of that box. I'd thought you had in a previous post. That you're still holding onto it is a sign that you HAVEN'T "let go" of her yet. No Owl, I havent "let go of her".. I have never said I did. What I have been saying is that I, me, am moving forward. I am healthier that I have been in a very long time. I dont focus on this as a "relationship" and as each day passes, it is becoming a thing in the past, the Affair. If/when she is divorced, and who knows how long that will take, and then the healing time, and then the IC, and all of the rest of it, I will STILL be moving forward and even healthier. I think I have shown over the last several months that I have been "happier"..
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 No Owl, I havent "let go of her".. I have never said I did. What I have been saying is that I, me, am moving forward. I am healthier that I have been in a very long time. I dont focus on this as a "relationship" and as each day passes, it is becoming a thing in the past, the Affair. If/when she is divorced, and who knows how long that will take, and then the healing time, and then the IC, and all of the rest of it, I will STILL be moving forward and even healthier. I think I have shown over the last several months that I have been "happier".. This post scares me.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 This post scares me. Bent, why? what are you thinking?
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'm laying odds Stamp gets back together with her. This dialogue is just a prelude to what is inevitable. He's smitten with this woman and now she is single. So, I imagine we'll see how this turns out. Moth to the flame or soulmates fulfilling their destinies. Could be a decent screenplay at some point. Good luck, Stamp. Hope you are one of the few that make it.
Owl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I won't say that it "scares" me...but I have to admit to the same sinking feeling about this, Stamp. You're leaving the door open...when it really should be shut. Not to hurt her...but to protect you. And leaving the door open deliberately is an indicator of your intentions, my friend. If you INTENDED for things to end...you'd shut the door. Leaving it open means that deep down, you intend to maintain a relationship with her. That's your choice...but you can see why those of us who have supported you for so long might not think it's your best one.
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Bent, why? what are you thinking? It feels like you are slipping. It feels like the lines are too murky. Where are the clear boundaries. It feels like you are standing at the edge of the slippery slope, I just don't want you to slip:( I know how hard I am on most posters, especially those that I see the potential and the progress in.) I am just a little worried here. But that's what prayers are for...right.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I won't say that it "scares" me...but I have to admit to the same sinking feeling about this, Stamp. You're leaving the door open...when it really should be shut. Not to hurt her...but to protect you. And leaving the door open deliberately is an indicator of your intentions, my friend. If you INTENDED for things to end...you'd shut the door. Leaving it open means that deep down, you intend to maintain a relationship with her. That's your choice...but you can see why those of us who have supported you for so long might not think it's your best one. I get it, I do. As I said earlier, and I am being as honest with MYSELF as I am with you. The door is NOT open, and it is NOT shut. It just is'nt locked... I have the right to open it OR lock it when I feel like I need to. This is where I am at. Behind MY door, doing MY things and moving on with MY life. This LS site has a habit of taking what is said (I have some "supplies") and making that sound like I am standing on the front porch waiting for her to pull up. When the fact of the matter is, yes, there are some stupid sh*t in a box, that I could end up either just handing to her, using them myself, or donating them to the needy. Anyway, I feel that I am getting healthier by the minute, and again, the point of THIS thread is to have my feelings come out and we all can talk about them. I am not being defensive (hope it doesnt seem that way). I am stating that a divorce is happening, how I feel about that and I am trying to figure out what I need to do down the road..
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 It feels like you are slipping. It feels like the lines are too murky. Where are the clear boundaries. It feels like you are standing at the edge of the slippery slope, I just don't want you to slip:( I know how hard I am on most posters, especially those that I see the potential and the progress in.) I am just a little worried here. But that's what prayers are for...right. Thanks.. yes, I will be praying too
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I am stating that a divorce is happening, how I feel about that and I am trying to figure out what I need to do down the road.. You have time on your side. No need to rush into anything.. You can live your life, do whatever you please but keep her at arms length until she sorts herself out, settles down and deals with HER mess. Alone. She has to learn to rely on herself - Be alone, become independant. Last thing you need to deal with, is her running to you, hoping you'll hold her hand throughout this. If she needs support that way, she can turn to her women friends and/or therapy. YOU cannot be the one to help her during this time. (I know you know that, just thought I'd say it again.) Don't think too far ahead either...All that stuff is out of your hands, and hers. People are going to react as they will and if you two do end up together later into the future, that's something you both will deal with..Why sit and worry about it now? She isn't officially divorced yet, though it's in the process.. Put yourself first and just shield your heart.
OldEurope Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 My bets are that she comes crying and running back to Stamp for moral support, personal support, and intimacy during the divorce and post divorce, with a big number prepared about the future of the two of them together. Then as things die down she will start up with the "I need space", "I need to find myself", "I need some time alone" or even "I want to see other people". Her flakiness impressed me rather profoundly during that one bit with the phone calls--where the husband was calling and hanging up and trying to find out the right number to Stamp after things were half-confessed, and she refused to confirm the number. Then it really hit home that she was highly immature. Stamp, in my humble opinion, the best thing you could do is to start seeing someone else, and tell this MW you will "be a friend" if she needs support and you just cannot leave her in the emotional lurch (or what so appears to be). She NEEDS to see you with someone else, or the threat thereof. She NEEDS to see the possibility of losing you, a twinge (or bolt) of jealousy, she NEEDS to see that you are a desirable man. It sounds counter productive but it is not. Humans act out of fear or desire and usually only these two things and she hasn't been shaken up in the right way with regard to you. For what it's worth, "LC" never worked for me, only airtight NC did. xoOE
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 My bets are that she comes crying and running back to Stamp for moral support, personal support, and intimacy during the divorce and post divorce, with a big number prepared about the future of the two of them together. Then as things die down she will start up with the "I need space", "I need to find myself", "I need some time alone" or even "I want to see other people". Her flakiness impressed me rather profoundly during that one bit with the phone calls--where the husband was calling and hanging up and trying to find out the right number to Stamp after things were half-confessed, and she refused to confirm the number. Then it really hit home that she was highly immature. Stamp, in my humble opinion, the best thing you could do is to start seeing someone else, and tell this MW you will "be a friend" if she needs support and you just cannot leave her in the emotional lurch (or what so appears to be). She NEEDS to see you with someone else, or the threat thereof. She NEEDS to see the possibility of losing you, a twinge (or bolt) of jealousy, she NEEDS to see that you are a desirable man. It sounds counter productive but it is not. Humans act out of fear or desire and usually only these two things and she hasn't been shaken up in the right way with regard to you. For what it's worth, "LC" never worked for me, only airtight NC did. xoOE wow, another blast from the past... Thanks OE.. I have to think the last time she saw me (not too long ago) she HAD to see that I was slipping. I dont want to add to her worries, but hey, it is what it is.. I flat out told her that I am worried about a future with her.. And for what it is worth, she HAS said all of the right things regarding taking care of herself after all of this, and also not wanting to expose me to any of what she is going through during all of this. So, off she goes......
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Stamp, I am hearing from you the concern about everyone knowing about your A with her hampering any kind of a future with her. Well, what do you think about Prince Charles and Camilla? High profile, and his kids accept her today... umm, it is possible... right?
boldjack Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Shemp, i have to agree woth OE that she comes across as a flake, or maybe it's your description of her. By all means help her as much as you can but maintain your own space.. I had one who became " the Dinner guest who never leaves", and finally had to help her get her own place. I wouldn't worry too much about social ramifications, usually these die down after a period of time.
sugarmomma Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 My only question is how do you deal with the guilt going forward? I mean if you had never entered into the affair with her it is possible that her family would still be together. That would eat me alive knowing that I had made that kind of a contribution. I guess if you can get past the guilt and shame you guys may have a fighting chance. I wish you the best and hopefully you two can recover from this situation.
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