stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 It has been a VERY long time since I spoke of what is going on in my world. I have been bouncing around LS and trying to stay healthy. I had made the decision NOT to post anymore about my situation, but I guess I feel that I should, only to possibly help a few come to grips with letting go. First, the MW is in the middle of a divorce. Or maybe more like the beginning. It has been filed, it is official, and it is heartbreaking. I DO NOT want any "congrats Stamp!" because there is absolutely nothing good about this. Especially the way it has all been handled. I also would appreciate limiting the squabbling that has been happening around here lately, as I fail to see it's purpose. I am sure I will be asked, "well, didnt you want her to leave, to get divorced and come to you??" My answer, NOT THIS WAY.... Sure, people get divorced. Marriages don't work out. I met her, she wasnt happy, blah blah blah... NOW, she is being divorced, H has told all about the A. And there can not possibly be a "Happily Ever After". My knowledge of the fact that she would STILL be there, not with him, but under that roof, status quo, eating cake, well, makes me ill.. Being here on LS has opened my eyes to ALOT. Especially the BS's point of view. Sometimes I can actually "feel" his feelings, and that too makes me sick. (I am not claiming to feel exactly, but enough to be sick about it). I don't know what to do anymore, how to feel, what to expect. I don't know ANYTHING. She WILL be back and I don't know what to do. She is losing a lot and will be a wreck. Her complete life will be/is being thrown into a tornado and nobody knows where she is going to land. (I do not say this for sympathy, just fact). Anyway, definately NOT what I expected, that is for sure...
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Do you want her back in your life? If you don't, what's your plan to stay out of it? If you do, are you willing to pick up that emotional baggage again? You probably should take some time to try to figure out what's best for you. Just remember where you have been and how far you have truly come. Let God be your guide, you can't go wrong, even if it is hard.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 "The heart wants what it wants", and it sounds like your heart wants her back. But what does your head say, based on everything you know about her, particularly the negative aspects?
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Bent, you are correct, and I am trying to just walk my path again. Holding God's hand. But life is life, hard not to want to take the wheel sometimes. I am just kinda on "auto pilot" right now. My heart, well, is numb and doesnt hurt anymore, except for the children, and for BS. My head, I try NOT to think about anything regarding this. Not time, not results, not what if's.. I used to have conversations with her (imaginary) on my porch with a glass of wine, but have stopped all of that too. The last time I saw her, I expressed all of my comcerns. She seems to think that we'll be OK. Me, not...
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Stamp, I have been here awhile, and I have watched your evolution. You have made great strides, but you wouldn't be human if you didn't want to take the wheel when if feels like things are starting to spin out of control. But remember what happened when you had the wheel(the same thing that happens to all of us)? To use Dr. Phil's words, you drove it in the ditch. You have begun a long, painful journey that has left you scarred, battered and wiser. The wisdom is hard earned and you can't un-know the effect of the consequences. No one can tell you to squish your feelings, that isn't healthy, but deal with them in the most constructive, mature manner that you can. In the long run(maybe even in the short term)you will be so much better for it.
Confused4Now Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Do you want her back in your life? If you don't, what's your plan to stay out of it? If you do, are you willing to pick up that emotional baggage again? You probably should take some time to try to figure out what's best for you. Just remember where you have been and how far you have truly come. Let God be your guide, you can't go wrong, even if it is hard. I'm with BNB on this one....Let God be your guide. As I can relate to what you're going through. I know where you're at....I guess the question is can you both come out of this with so much water under the bridge right now? or do you even want to put the energy into something that might be doomed. You already have trust issues with her. Do you honestly think under the right situation with counseling she can be true to you and both of you can be in a healthy relationship? Well I pray for you my friend...keep the faith and stay strong....
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 This type of thing happened to me many times, though I always tried to make sure that the MW's knew that I wasn't in it for the long-haul. Still, some of them would get divorced and show up on my door-step, wanting to continue the relationship. This is one of the reasons I don't cheat anymore. While my sympathies are for her husband, I know that what you are experiencing is'nt pleasant, either. Do you know, for sure, whether she wants to continue to see you? If so, you will need to get a handle on your own feelings, before you talk to her about the future. She is undoubtedly distraught and you will need to be gentle and supportive. Shemp, you will get no "congrats" from me, nor any sympathy, either. You helped make this mess, now you should help clean it up.
OWoman Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Stamp, I'm not going to offer any homilies. It's tough, and will probably get tougher still before it lets up. This is her path that she chose. You may or may not have seen it coming, but her actions are reaping their consequences and those consequences are not hers alone to bear. All I can offer you is support from afar. I'll be thinking of you.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 the "luxury" I have, is that I DO NOT have to do ANYTHING. I will not just close the door, nor will I open the door. She will have so much to deal with it's not even funny. There IS alot of water under the bridge, but the bridge still stands. I guess I will just see how quickly that water subsides. As far as trusting her, I do, and will. This really has nothing to do about her. It is the ENVIRNOMENT that has been created. I mean, the BS has told everybody about this. (his right to do). I am not sure what the children will be told. There would be absolutely NO hurry regarding bringing me into their lives. BUT, still, would I be the "cancer" that caused their mom and dad's divorce? YES! Would I be the guy that everybody whispers about, "psst, that's him..." YES Would I have the feeling that I STILL have to hide? YES How long can I live that way?
RecordProducer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 NOW, she is being divorced, H has told all about the A. And there can not possibly be a "Happily Ever After". I have a feeling that she was only interesting to you when she belonged to someone else. Now that she is divorcing, you don't want it that way. But when she was married, that was the way to go? Did her husband divorce her because of the affair? Are you married?
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Do you know, for sure, whether she wants to continue to see you? If so, you will need to get a handle on your own feelings, before you talk to her about the future. She is undoubtedly distraught and you will need to be gentle and supportive. Shemp, you will get no "congrats" from me, nor any sympathy, either. You helped make this mess, now you should help clean it up. Let me state, I WILL NOT just leave her with this mess. I hope I don't come across that way. I would NEVER do that. Heck, I have a spare bedroom filled with things for her (and them) to help make it easier for them. Stuff that you don't think about, like spices, cleaning supplies, tools, first aid kit, paper clips, etc... But it is more than that, I know. I am Stampdaddy, and I will not let her fall. I just am confused as to how I will be able to handle the future.. Guess I will see...
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I have a feeling that she was only interesting to you when she belonged to someone else. Now that she is divorcing, you don't want it that way. But when she was married, that was the way to go? Did her husband divorce her because of the affair? Are you married? Your feeling couldnt be any more wrong... Absolutely wrong. Yes, because of the affair, and no, I am not married. I am divorced, 3-4 years before meeting her
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 R_P, backstory... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137917/
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Why would you want to get involved with a woman like this? You know her to be a liar and cheater. What is the attraction other than physical? And, yeah, odds are the kids will see you as evil and not take to you. This woman has a screw loose and you should run.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Why would you want to get involved with a woman like this? You know her to be a liar and cheater. What is the attraction other than physical? And, yeah, odds are the kids will see you as evil and not take to you. This woman has a screw loose and you should run. not sure how to answer this one, Reggie
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Something about her psyche feeds into something you are hungry for. I don't recall...have you had IC? If not, now would be a good time
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Something about her psyche feeds into something you are hungry for. I don't recall...have you had IC? If not, now would be a good time yes. ALOT. It has been a while, but I am surrounded by a bunch of good people.. What is was hungry for, was the way that she loved/loves me. I have discussed this many times, it is very hard to describe what we had. It wasnt a "work" affair, now a "motel" affair. We "lived" a life (yes, she lived a double life).. Anyway, I doubt an IC could direct me into "what to do". I just need to keep on walkin'..
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Quick Question. ...If your in NC with this MOW then how do you know she's getting divorced??? You should not know anything of her personal life at all. It does prevent you from moving on. Deep down inside I think your a good man, but your also a weak man prone to let his heart take control and do things you know is inherently wrong. ...Remember if she does it to him, she will damn sure do it to you. watch.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Quick Question. ...If your in NC with this MOW then how do you know she's getting divorced??? You should not know anything of her personal life at all. It does prevent you from moving on. Deep down inside I think your a good man, but your also a weak man prone to let his heart take control and do things you know is inherently wrong. ...Remember if she does it to him, she will damn sure do it to you. watch. I appreciate your comments. I guess it has been more LC (limited contact) than NC. We are in no way continuing the affair, although some would argue that any form of communication would say that we are. I think you know what I mean. As far as "moving on", that IS what is happening. I am NOT sitting here waiting, however, I am not on dating sites, going to clubs etc either. Just moving on.. And I will promise you this (her too). IF I was to move forward with her, and IF she told me the slightest of lie, DONE!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I appreciate your comments. I guess it has been more LC (limited contact) than NC. We are in no way continuing the affair, although some would argue that any form of communication would say that we are. I think you know what I mean. As far as "moving on", that IS what is happening. I am NOT sitting here waiting, however, I am not on dating sites, going to clubs etc either. Just moving on.. And I will promise you this (her too). IF I was to move forward with her, and IF she told me the slightest of lie, DONE! LOL she told you sooo many lies when you was in the affair, why would it be any different when she was single. That would be even more of a incentive not to be truthful. There shouldnt be contact of any kind!!! this woman was so toxic for you, why even consider being in any form of contact doesnt make sense.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 LOL she told you sooo many lies when you was in the affair, why would it be any different when she was single. That would be even more of a incentive not to be truthful. There shouldnt be contact of any kind!!! this woman was so toxic for you, why even consider being in any form of contact doesnt make sense. well, I dont want to get into a whole big back and forth thing here, (and I am not some big dumb oaf that doesnt know what is what), but, she was VERY honest with me. So many things have been "verified" so to speak (not worth getting into). The BIG truths are what mattered to me then, and again, they have been verified.. I hear what you are saying about her being Toxic for me, and believe me, it has/is being taken into account, this is the very reason I started this post... to talk it out, to help ME, not just tell you guys what is new.....
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Tell me, how do you relate to women differently today, if applicable, than prior to this affair beginning? If no change, why do you think that is? I've had to face some of these issues, so that's why I ask. FWIW, MC didn't give me a roadmap but rather was a disinterested and educated psychological mirror I could hold up to examine myself and my role and responsibility, both as a person and as a partner in a M. See, I walked the OM path and, later, the WS path, with the same person. I've had to learn why. It's not about the other person.
Author stampdaddy Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Tell me, how do you relate to women differently today, if applicable, than prior to this affair beginning? If no change, why do you think that is? I've had to face some of these issues, so that's why I ask. FWIW, MC didn't give me a roadmap but rather was a disinterested and educated psychological mirror I could hold up to examine myself and my role and responsibility, both as a person and as a partner in a M. See, I walked the OM path and, later, the WS path, with the same person. I've had to learn why. It's not about the other person. Well, I think I relate to women the same, I guess.. I mean, I am sure that I have changed (in good ways, I hope), so moving forward, if it is meeting someone else, I hope at the least I have grown because of this. Don't know how I would relate specifically to another woman, cause I don't know her specifically yet. I am a fun, loving and caring man. I am a coach of alot of little guys (both football and baseball) and I am a good friend and neighbor. I have contact with alot of women, most married of course. I know I won't come out of this "looking" at women differently, meaning I won't think that the next girl will be a cheater, if that is what you are getting at. And, I know without a doubt, that I would NEVER, EVER be an OM again!
norajane Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 well, I dont want to get into a whole big back and forth thing here, (and I am not some big dumb oaf that doesnt know what is what), but, she was VERY honest with me. So many things have been "verified" so to speak (not worth getting into). The BIG truths are what mattered to me then, and again, they have been verified.. I hear what you are saying about her being Toxic for me, and believe me, it has/is being taken into account, this is the very reason I started this post... to talk it out, to help ME, not just tell you guys what is new..... Just because she told you some truths, now, after the sh*t hit the fan, doesn't make her an honest person with integrity. Doesn't mean she won't lie and manipulate to the best of her ability to get what she wants. Sorry, stamp, but you are weak, weak, weak where she is concerned. You've finally developed some peace, and are ready to go for it again - complete with a room in your house and supplies, as though you've forgotten how it felt to be twisted around her finger for 4 years. Ever heard of succubi? Geez, dude, you were freeeeeeee! Why are you so willing and eager to get sucked back into her maelstrom? She'll take you down with her...again.
lkjh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Do you ever learn? Do you honestly believe that there will ever be a real chance with you two? Do you really think your soon to be ex, kids, friends, and family will ever except? No once she gets everything she needs she will cut you out. Once the kids know and she has to make a choice she will make the same one she made before.....THEM. You need to stop believing that you two are going to end up together.
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