bac Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I was dating casually a male for 2.5 months. We have not have any real connection except some sexual connection. We are in 40s. We are not a good match. But he probably wants to have sex with me once a week or smth. I have found all this boring and want to end it in a nice way. I hope the man will not be upset too much because he has no feelings for me and the relationship was causual. I hope he will be happy to get rid of me and move forward to new females on line. But you never know what a man really feel and think. In fact, I haven't had any experiences when I break up with a man. But I had an experience when a man had broken up with me. I thought it was not done nicely. Perhaps my opinion was subjective because the guy was a player and I fell in love with him temporally. He had just become very busy and had no time to answer my texts, calls and emails. And if he had tried to answer my emails it was typically in 3 days and full of excuses of being terribly busy. I wonder if this approuch to break up is a good standard approuch that I should use to break up with a man? I would like to break up with him in a sensitive and nice way. I do not want to offend him. So today he has send me text and I did not answer him in hope that the guy will disappear by himself. But there is a chance he will continue text and email. Should I pretend that I am so so busy or should I do smth else? I need men opinion about what a way of breaking up is acceptable and nice with them when a woman wants to break up with them?
Mahatma Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 What kind of an opinion do you want?... you are simply asking us to know how he will take a break up. It has only been 2 and a half months, so I imagine it wont break his heart. But maybe it will. Maybe he'll cry. Or maybe he'll tell you he has been cheating on you this whole time. Maybe he wont care at all. We are not psychics here. Just tell him it isn't working out between you two. You like him as a person, but you just do not feel anything more for him.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Were I him, I'd appreciate straightfoward honesty: "I don't feel much of a connection with you, and I don't think we should keep seeing each other." That would be far preferable to simply cutting off contact. And for God's sake don't tell him that you "just want to be friends".
Mahatma Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 "just want to be friends". Why not? It always works out that way perfectly.
dreamergrl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 If you weren't broken up with in a not so nice way, why would you want to use that same approach? Just be straight and honest with him. If he continues to call and be a pest after that, then start ignoring him. No one likes to just be dumped out of no where and not know why. No one likes to just be ignored and have to wonder why.
Trimmer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well, there are several possibilities: (1) a method that makes it easier on you, like ignoring him and hoping he will go away. Admit that this is all about you, not about being sensitive or nice to him. If it works, then why do you care, but don't fool yourself into believing that this is either "nice" or "sensitive..." And in addition, if it doesn't work it will become clearly apparent that you weren't nice or sensitive. (2) a method that you THINK or CLAIM will make it easier on him, but really, again, is just making it easier on you - something like making up a story about being in another relationship. Again, if it works and he walks away, then why should you care - but again, don't fool yourself that you are being either nice or sensitive. And, if the truth is ultimately revealed somehow, then once again, bad feelings. (3) The simple honest truth, delivered clearly but with kindness. Look, if he's going to be sad that you're leaving, there's no "delivery" that will change that. However, the way you do it will affect how he remembers you, the level of respect he has for you in the future, etc. So if you are truly thinking of him, when you say you want to be nice and sensitive, I believe he will most likely - in the long run - appreciate and respect you for kindly delivering the simple, honest truth.
Author bac Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Were I him, I'd appreciate straightfoward honesty: "I don't feel much of a connection with you, and I don't think we should keep seeing each other." That would be far preferable to simply cutting off contact. And for God's sake don't tell him that you "just want to be friends". Thank you. Is it better to say that on the phone, in email or during personal meeting? Which way will hurt his ego less? Actually I did not answer his text and he has already sent me an email that he wants to see me.
bluechocolate Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Casually dating for 2.5 months - you're not breaking up with the guy, you just don't want to date him anymore. So yeah, pretty much what the others have said here, the simple honest truth. "It's been nice getting to know you but I don't see us having a future together. I wish you the best of luck & I hope you find what you're looking for."
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Thank you. Is it better to say that on the phone, in email or during personal meeting? Which way will hurt his ego less? Actually I did not answer his text and he has already sent me an email that he wants to see me. I wouldn't do it by text or email, but that's just a personal preference, too impersonal for my taste. I think by phone would be preferable and appropriate. Face to face? I don't know; my thinking is that if there's going to be any drama, it's best to confine that drama to a phone call.
dreamergrl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Actually I did not answer his text and he has already sent me an email that he wants to see me. Probably because he can't read minds, and doesn't realize you want to dump him, which why ignoring him is not the way to go. Just call him up, tell him how you honestly feel, and leave it at that. And do it before you drag it out further.
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Set him free, whatever that means to you. Do it in person. TBH, although this sounds like a FWB, your question indicates that perhaps it is not. Hence, having had sexual intimacy and a continuing interaction, end it in person
Trimmer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Thank you. Is it better to say that on the phone, in email or during personal meeting? Which way will hurt his ego less? I still maintain that in the long run, the amount his ego will be hurt will not depend a great deal on your delivery. However, imagine you are in his position - use your own experience as a guideline. If you really needed ego validation from the other person, if you wanted to know that you were valued somehow, which end of this spectrum would you want to be closer to: be an obnoxious, overt @**hole to get rid of him; ignore him until he goes away; break up by text, email, or letter; with your own voice, say by phone; look him in the eye and tell him. C'mon, it shouldn't really be that hard to imagine yourself in his position, especially since you, yourself have had experience with this in the past. I know you are looking for the easy way out for yourself, but if his feelings and ego really matter to you, it's not that hard to empathize a little, is it?
frustr8ed Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Be courteous but curt. I am not a fan of the let's be friends thing. If he is in to you his brain will turn this into "some day you will change your mind, if I hang in there." Just be honest and up front and tell him why you don't think it's working, it will suck for the short term but in the long run he will appreciate it. It will also help him correct any mistakes he may have made for the next girl that comes along.
Sephirothh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 your first failure was 1. why not talk to him first about why you want to break up with him and maybe,,,,just MAYBE he will change...women seem to always have such a tough time expressing there feelings now a days, and that used to be one of their greatest strengths. Now they want the easy way out everytime. number one reason for most unneccessary break ups is lack of communication
Author bac Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Just be honest and up front and tell him why you don't think it's working, it will suck for the short term but in the long run he will appreciate it. It will also help him correct any mistakes he may have made for the next girl that comes along. I do not think that in my situation I should be honest about reasons of breaking up. Because my reason is that the guy has become boring and has lost enthusiasm about sex with me. He was good at that only during first 3 times and then he was getting worse. The same about our emotional and intellectual connection which is going downhill. Other words these types of mistakes is impossible to correct.
falseprophet Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Honestly, the best way is to tell him how you feel, you are in your 40's and worrying about the repercussions of a high school relationship. Im sure he's a big boy and if you feel nothing for him then tell him. If you try to play it off nicely he may feel that you are trying to lead him, or are lying to him. Be flat out and honest. Don't pussy foot or beat around the bush.
D-Lish Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 your first failure was 1. why not talk to him first about why you want to break up with him and maybe,,,,just MAYBE he will change...women seem to always have such a tough time expressing there feelings now a days, and that used to be one of their greatest strengths. Now they want the easy way out everytime. number one reason for most unneccessary break ups is lack of communication I don't think it is a matter of him changing anything, and this situation has nothing to do with women being unable to express their feelings. They had a sexual relationships and the OP doesn't want to continue with it, end of story.
Sephirothh Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I do not think that in my situation I should be honest about reasons of breaking up. Because my reason is that the guy has become boring and has lost enthusiasm about sex with me. He was good at that only during first 3 times and then he was getting worse. The same about our emotional and intellectual connection which is going downhill. Other words these types of mistakes is impossible to correct. Maybe he's bored becuz your not putting as much effort into anything anymore either how bout trying to work for it for a change and see what happens then. You can't always expect the guy to do everything all the time he is probably feeling the same way you do.
Sephirothh Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I don't think it is a matter of him changing anything, and this situation has nothing to do with women being unable to express their feelings. They had a sexual relationships and the OP doesn't want to continue with it, end of story. well its always common for a WOMAN to just ditch a man leaving him hanging becuz they are too afraid to tell them the real reason and not want to work it out.....theres so many ways ther OP can fix this and either spice it up again or make it into something more, but she takes the easy route and wants to leave him hanging even though I guarantee you from what I've been hearing she wants him to be superman in every sexual encounter while she just sits back and prolly puts half the effort into pleasing him, just another case of you scratch my back and ill skip yours.
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