stillshocked Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 My wife and I split a few months ago. She admitted to have relations with a co-worker shortly after our split. Afterwards she told me it was a mistake, that they were no longer friends, and he was looking for another job. Few weeks ago driving by the guys house and see her van parked there. When I question her, she says they are just friends. I have sinced noticed her van there at very late hours. And besides, could you be friends with someone after you slept with them if you thought it was mistake? Anyway, I am 99.9% sure they are in some type of a relationship, but why the need for the deciet? I am OK with the fact that she left, and OK if she is with another man, but can't handle dishonest people. This is someone who I loved, shared many intimate times with including bringin children into the world Anyone comment?
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 For me that was the most devastating part of Mr. Messy's affair, not necessarily the sex itself, but the lies. Those lies continued even after I showed him the proof of his lies. When you share so much with someone, at least for me, I wonder how I could have been so blind about the real person he really is. I wonder what other parts of my life was I did he lie to me about. It makes me second guess all aspects of my life. I feel you. What's the point in still lying. Will she lie to you where your children are concerned? At least that is what I wondered about Mr. Messy.
Author stillshocked Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Thats the problem. We shared so much, and she lies. She was closest freind in life. It is making me question everything in life. If she could do it who can I trust? I know question my friends, etc. It has shaken my very core and is tearing me apart. I don' think she will lie about the kids...but her lieing is definately going to be impacting them. Instead of having a co-parent who I respect (for being honest) I have one who I distrust, don't respect and don't care much for. Is is guilt? do they just not want to hurt our feelings? I don't get it. Even after the proof is out there they still won't man/woman up?
Trimmer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'm sorry all this happened. I'm not sure exactly where you and your wife are now, in terms of being "split"... are you assuming that "split" means a divorce is on the way? Or are you separated? If so, do you have a mutual understanding of the parameters of your separation? i.e. a time frame, any assumptions about where it is headed, etc? Here's the thing. If you are split and headed toward divorce, and you both understand that, then it's not a question of why a WS is refusing to share, it becomes a question of why an ex-spouse would refuse to share, and the answer becomes a little more clear then, doesn't it? Your ex doesn't owe you anything about her new life - she's an "ex." And as hard as it might be to let go, you will need to come to an understanding that it's over, disconnect from her, and start to accept the reality of what your new life will look like. Now, on the other hand, if you two are talking about the possibility of getting back together, and you haven't agreed to allowing other relationships during separation, then I would consider that a deal-breaker. So it sort of depends on a more precise reading of the status of your marriage at this point...
Trimmer Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Sorry, I cross posted without seeing your other response. Didn't internalize that you had kids (although now I do see that in your original post...) I'm still interested in the status of your marriage at this point. Given the kids issue, I'd modify my point from above. I still say that once she's an "ex" she doesn't owe you unrestricted "honesty", and your releasing of that notion will indicate your acceptance of your situation. However, inasmuch as her life situation affects the kids, you do need to be able to talk about it as co-parents. This can be difficult to navigate - if you are probing for things that you actually want to know certain things as ex-spouse (why are you over there late at night?) on the basis that it "affects the kids" (when it really doesn't in some cases,) then you have a tricky situation on your hands...
Author stillshocked Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 No, we are separated as in done, headed for divorce. What do you feel she does owe me? I just don't see the need to not tell me if she is involved, if asked. I mean I did ask and she said "no", but the evidence is clear that she is. As a co-parent that affects my ability to trust her, how much I respect her, etc. I understand she doesn't "need" to tell me, but my question is why she wouldn't "want" to tell me, given that if she did I would have much more respect and trust for her. ...and she has indicated several times that she wants to friends and to rebuild the trust and respect?
Author stillshocked Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 ...and it is not so much that I feel the need for complete honesty, but if she didn't want to tell me she has two options: 1. Lie and say nothing is happening between them. 2. Explain to me that we are over, and that it is none of my business. To me there is a big difference between the two. The first makes you a liar, the second does not. It is more of a question of why hide it? I mean she tells mutual friends the same lies? What does she owe to them in terms of honesty?
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Because cheaters lie to justify what they think they're doing is right. It's not rocket science man. What you should be doing is not dwelling on it. detach and live your life. She's sleeping with the douchebag. there. that's the truth. Who cares why she lies, bottom line is she does lie. and anything she says cant be trusted. she cannot be trusted. Get a lawyer finalize the divorce, get your custody in order and start to move on. see other women. dont inquire about her life, unless it has anything to do with the kids, you shouldnt care... And why should you??? lol. She WAS your wife. was being the operative word. It hurts, it sucks but know that right now is the time to choose to be who you will become tommarow.
Author stillshocked Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Thanks for the post, but not sure I agree with it? I think I should care, she is the mother of my child. We have another 15 or so years of working together to make sure our children are raised as best as possible. To me that means having a mutually respectful, cooperative, understanding relationship with an ex. I think my children deserve no less than that, I am just struggling with how I can do that with this woman is she is blatant liar/cheater? Is that naive?
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 For me, I don't think it is possible to have that kind of relationship. I don't think that I will every trust him enough to respect him. But I don't need that to move forward. I can co-parent with him and not respect him. Granted, my children are older and can see the difference in what he says and what he does. You situation with a younger child requires more of an effort.
hopesndreams Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Few weeks ago driving by the guys house and see her van parked there. I have sinced noticed her van there at very late hours. Stop torturing yourself. Stop driving by his house. Tell yourself you don't give a dang what those damaged people are doing, and believe it! To me that means having a mutually respectful, cooperative, understanding relationship with an ex. You didn't have that type of relationship when you were in the marriage, now that you are separated why do you think you could now? It's not realistic. You are still attached to her, you must accept she is gone. If you don't, you will go bonkers.
D-Lish Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Now that you are no longer together, is it possible she just doesn't want her romantic relationships to be your business? It's also possible that she is uncomfortable with the idea of telling you because she doesn't want to deal with your reaction. If you are driving by his house late at night and confronting her with your observations, she's probably feeling cornered rather than feeling safe enough to admit her relationship. I don't see the point in driving by. Logic dictates that: her car being there late at night; the fact that it is someone she had the affair with; pretty much confirms they are together. It doesn't matter if she is upfront about it or not, you still have to figure out a way to co-parent together. She doesn't owe you an expose' about whom she is seeing anymore than you owe her. Following her around trying to figure out her lies is only going to be one more obstacle to being good parents to your children.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks for the post, but not sure I agree with it? I think I should care, she is the mother of my child. We have another 15 or so years of working together to make sure our children are raised as best as possible. To me that means having a mutually respectful, cooperative, understanding relationship with an ex. I think my children deserve no less than that, I am just struggling with how I can do that with this woman is she is blatant liar/cheater? Is that naive? Yes! All she is IS the mother of your child, the wife as you knew her to be is DEAD! That's a tough pill to swallow and what you may not want to hear but it is the truth. She is sleeping with another man, and I dont understand why is that so hard for you to get? She lied. and is going to lie. and will continue to lie. But you need self respect and to build your self esteem. Dont be friends, co-parent's is okay but friends is not what you should strive for she should earn your friendship, for the moments you continue to have feelings for her, she will hurt you. She will continue to hurt you. Whether directly or indirectly. She knows your hurting but she doesnt care... She doesnt care because she's doing it anyways. It's all selfishly about what she wants. WTF why are you still pining for her right now. What about your needs what about what you want? Just take care of your kids and stop worrying about what she's doing. Your only holding yourself back from moving on. File for diovorce if sleeping with others is your dealbreaker but dont be so naive and stupid to think she's faithful because she's not. under the guise of seperation she's already shagging someone else. Would you take her back knowing what you know now???
Author stillshocked Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks for the responses. I actaully agree with all of you! Yesterday was a bad day for me as some things came to light that I hadn't been aware of. It shook my trust a bit and my mind was stirring. I just found it hard to accept that she is no longer the person I "used" to know. But I understand that I need to do that to be healthy. I made a pact with myself that from this day forward it was all about me and the kids and to let go of everything else. No more caring about what she is doing, just focus on what I want to do. And it is actually working really well already. My tone with her changed today from "trying to be very friendly with her" to focussing on the needs of my kids and me as a father. She already has started complaining about this new communication, but I really don't care. I don't owe her anything other than to be a good Dad. ..and yes, it is much easier to move on once you have decided that you would never go back, and looking at her now I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. I actually feel pity for her and the guy that now has to deal with her bull****!
bluewolf17 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 From reading your post, the first thing that comes to my mind, as to why she can't be honest with you about said relationship, is that she is ashamed. I think it's very possible that while she is okay with leaving you, she isn't okay with you thinking she just jumped into another relationship. Although it sounds like she did. Stop doing drive bys. It doesn't help. Maybe someday she can be honest with you, and it really sucks that this was a person you thought you knew, and obviously wanted to spend your life with.
Author stillshocked Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 From reading your post, the first thing that comes to my mind, as to why she can't be honest with you about said relationship, is that she is ashamed. I think it's very possible that while she is okay with leaving you, she isn't okay with you thinking she just jumped into another relationship. Although it sounds like she did. Stop doing drive bys. It doesn't help. Maybe someday she can be honest with you, and it really sucks that this was a person you thought you knew, and obviously wanted to spend your life with. that is probably exactly it. Especially because she left saying that she needed time to work on herself, refused to discuss or go to counselling, and had no energy to work on the marriage because she couldn't physically or emotionally handle it. It was really only about 2 weeks ago that she finally told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Then she is with someone else so soon? Guess I would feel pretty ashamed about that too. Regardless, don't really matter anymore...
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