Your Business--in the Street

[manugeorge]

How does a couple manuever sharing details about themselves with family members, friends and loved ones?

 

It's normal to talk to others about our relationships, right? sometimes you just want an objective point of view or you want to vent or you want advice or you are just making conversation. But where do you draw the line in what and how much information you share with "outsiders"?.

 

Especially when you and your SO are having problems, are there details you keep private? How do you determine which ones?

 

I remember an ex of mine use to share a LOT about our relationship with his friends and I remember it made me uncomfortable knowing these people had intimate knowledge of my life that I didn't volunteer to them. I wanted him to have an outlet to share his frustration but at the same time I didn't want my business out in the street. He claimed to want advice from others, which is fine but discussing our sex life with his friends really unnverved me.

 

I wonder how other people handle this in their relationship.

[pparrott]

Personally....I would only share intimate details about my relationship (good or bad) with people I trust completely & totally! A very select few.

I don't share intimate details with family members would be too embarrassing at family functions!

Airing 'dirty laundry' to random friends & family ~ Not cool. That's why LS is a good avenue. You get OBJECTIVE advice.

[quankanne]

agree with parrot ~ never EVER air your gripes about your SO/spouse to a family member or close friend. I used to do that in my early married days until my mom told me that she really didn't want to hear complaints because DH was now her child, too, and she didn't want to have all these negative things in her head whenever she dealt with him, because she loved him as much as me!

 

if you're going to complain, keep it in perspective: "I'm so pissed that he left three weeks worth of dirty dishes for me to come back to after I left on vacation," versus "he's a selfish, rat-basturd who can't do the slightest thing right, much less consider someone elses needs, etc" ... if you're specific about your complaint, you're cutting to the crux of the problem as you get it off your chest. Otherwise, you're just kvetching, and no one wants to hear about that.

 

now, if you decide to let it all out – problems, feelings, etc – then do it someplace "safe" like this place. You're anonymous, and there is a wealth of information to be gained by people who have faced similar situations andmight be able to point you in the right direction.

[GroupFitness]

This is a good topic that I also sometimes struggle with. I suffer from depression and once in a while it rears its ugly head and I push my boyfriend away to deal with it alone. When those issues arise, he shares with his family and friends. I am embarrassed, I don't want anyone but myself to know that I struggle with this disease. It took all of my courage to even clue him in on it.

 

But I understand that he also needs support during this time as he is not familiar with depression issues. It's like a double edged sword

[2sure]

Married 3.5 years. H comes from a large extended close knit family. All in each other's business and very protective of their own. I'm fine with that although my family is more private. We struggled for 2 years, fought, etc. because I was insistent that he NOT TELL HIS MOTHER A DAMN THING ABOUT ANY ISSUES WE/I MIGHT HAVE. I love my MIL, she loves me. But when he would tell her about an argument we had in passing - she would RUN WITH IT. Finally he realized this, shut her down, and never tells her anything. All is good.

 

H is a public servant. As such, anything can and will be used against him during campaigns, etc. Socially we must seem like the "Plastic Family" because we have learned to take care with our opinions and behavior. Like, I cant have Martinis with most people. Daughter has strict instructions to not talk about most of our personal life.

 

Sigh....so, here I am.

[angie2443]

This issue kind of hits close to home for me. From my experience with my husband's EA and other experiences, I think the intimant details in a marriage should be kept between the couple. I don't talk to people about my fights with my husband, when we have them. I don't vent about my husband. I trust him to do the same. If an issue between my husband and me became so serious that the relationship was in trouble, then I would insist on MC. If there was abuse, cheating, or another issue that I would consider a deal breaker, I would just leave the marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have also struggled with this as my wife has a close friend that kidded me about some juicy details of our sex life. I realized that they must be discussing things in some fairly graphic detail and it just made me uncomfortable. In talking to my wife, it was obvious that she feels differently about it and thought it was no big deal. I'm still trying to figure it all out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Heroic]

My wife has a freind who she shares graphic details of our personal life......

 

She happens to be a writer....

 

Imagine my suprise when I read one of her stories only to find that it was based on one of our intimate encounters.

 

My wife said...well think of it this way thousands of people are living vicariously through our sex lives.......

 

So be careful about what you put out there.

[Island Girl]

It is not a good idea to talk about issues with family members - and only a select few of friends because one has to be able to depend upon the other person to remain an observer and absolutely discreet.

 

If you share issues with family such as disagreements, issues, etc. They hear all the bad about that other person but rarely do they here all of the details when it is worked out.

They end up having a slanted view of the other person and then dislike him/her more and more which causes MAJOR issues.

 

Most friends do not understand they should not let on that they know about the intimacies in the relationship and then can cause problems as well.

[voldigicam]

Why I need a girlfriend. Cannot discuss many things with neighbors, friends, anyone where things circle back. Leaves a problem of how to clear. No wonder people hire folks to talk to!!

 

I have a girlfriend at the moment. She's a daddy's girl. Normally abrupt and a bit short, edging on bitchy. We communicate about our spouses, kids, working, politics. I generally play the daddy and she plays the girl, but I get lots of advice out, too.

 

When we get together, she snuggles up and goes really soft, which she never does in real life, and tells me the deeper insecurities and troubles. I usually just listen, but sometimes have an insight. I'll sometimes realize I want to get into something and she reflects her view, but from that daddy's girl perspective.

 

It's really helpful. We get to talk about the things we can't possibly talk about with other people really. Love, sex, weird stuff.

 

We figured out early that we weren't about sex or love or all that, and slipped intentionally into the daddy's girl role play. Actually clears our heads enough that we're getting along much better with our spouses.

 

Who would probably not understand at all!

 

There is no way I would discuss this stuff with a relative!!! It would circle around. We discuss infidelities, what why where. Why they happened. Dreams and desires.

 

Clearing is so essential, and so difficult to find a channel for. Well worthwhile. But very hard to find someone to clear with where it's a private dead end.

 

Very important: my gf and I have a clear and explicit agreement not to be sexually involved. Which isn't hard - we tested by kissing and fondling and there was almost no spark, so we're not connected that way. Sort of settled that mystery. She's also 26 years younger, new family, etc. So the roles match well.

 

Regardless, if you're going to clear, find a good safe outlet. I used to use guys, but they're generally terrible listeners. And girls tend to gossip. Mine is used to living a secret life, so she's a good one.

 

But our spouses simply wouldn't understand. Still, with her all snuggled up everything is free to talk about and we end up at peace.

 

Pretty weird, eh?

[Juristhea]

How does a couple manuever sharing details about themselves with family members, friends and loved ones?

 

It's normal to talk to others about our relationships, right? sometimes you just want an objective point of view or you want to vent or you want advice or you are just making conversation. But where do you draw the line in what and how much information you share with "outsiders"?.

 

Especially when you and your SO are having problems, are there details you keep private? How do you determine which ones?

 

I remember an ex of mine use to share a LOT about our relationship with his friends and I remember it made me uncomfortable knowing these people had intimate knowledge of my life that I didn't volunteer to them. I wanted him to have an outlet to share his frustration but at the same time I didn't want my business out in the street. He claimed to want advice from others, which is fine but discussing our sex life with his friends really unnverved me.

 

I wonder how other people handle this in their relationship.

Talking to your close friends about your relationship problems is a good outlet to vent out your frustrations and disappointments and in return, you get insights on how you can fix your relationship...

 

It's not really a big deal when people know about your problems, but it is a big deal when they know every single personal detail. A general knowledge may never hurt but a whole lot is a problem.

 

Close friends, and selected but close family and relatives should be the only ones within that circle of people who have the rights to know about your relationship problems.

 

Outside that circle just seems so.. Showbiz...

[voldigicam]

Problem is, with many families you drop a little bug in one ear and it ends up spread all over. Usually distorted. It's a real concern.