redplanet Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 My lovely almost lifelong friendship which turned out to be the most amazing love affair during which time I always suggested to him to give his all to his wife and kids, took quite a spin earlier this year when I came back from working in orphanages if Africa and India during my long service leave. Even though we remained in email contact, he never mentioned that he had left his wife, fell in love with someone else, and when I returned said that he still loved me but was also in love with someone else. It was always a long distance relationship with him and me but we ensured that we met at least once every two weeks and loved and cherished each other with such a passion and we couldn't resist each other. He had always promised that if ever he was to leave his wife that I was the one he wanted to be with. Even though I have been in shock at this revalation, we have still communicated with each other and hope to see each other in May. I can honestly say that due to our loving friendship that I am sure I can endure through the pain of heartbreack and remain a beautiful, loving friend to him. I guess I am trying to ask the loveshack community if it's ok to have this friendship or am I kidding myself? The more that time passes and that I do not see hm, the distance helps in terms of letting go of him, but we both so desperately want to see each other, his new girlfriend is unaware that we are in contact. I wish he would be honest with her about remaining in contact with a lifelong friend. Why would he hide something like this unless he wants to resume a sexual love affair with me? Can I realistically handle a platonic frienship with him or am I kidding myself? I hope this posting makes sense. thanks for listening.
skywriter Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 He sounds as though, he has moved on yet again. He promised that the two of you would be together. Only you know if you can be in a platonic friendship with him. From you saying, how you truly feel whenever you are together, if opportunity were to present itself , my impression of how passionate you are towards your friend, is you are going to be back in the throes of being his mistress. You sound far too competant to settle for this postion. Peace....and best wishes...
jwi71 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Impossible to have a platonic R with him. He hasn't changed his lying cheating ways. Run and consider yourself lucky that you two DIDNT get married.
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Maybe it is possible. But... Its pretty obvious that although he enjoys you - you enjoy him much more. He has made it clear that although he loves you, and enjoys sex with you - he doesnt consider you partner material. He loves other women more. Even if you are OK with always being his on the side thing....it sounds like you want more. It seems like your role in his life is just an optional extra on the side.
Owl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 This isn't a 'friendship'. You're his long term emotional affair partner...the only difference is, he traded his wife in for someone else, all the while keeping you on as his emotional mistress through both relationships. He's getting exactly what he wants from you. The question is...is this exactly what you want from him?
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I agree, this is all dependent on how you feel about this. Some folks have no problem with remaining friends. I think it is tougher if you want him to be exclusive with you, which, based on his history, seems unrealistic.
Author redplanet Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks very much for your caring responses. I am a very loyal friend and find it difficult to let go of this, however, I do hear what you're all saying and know deep down in my heart that it damn well not good enough for me. I will always love him and still want to be with him but have to let go. THANKYOU
wildsoul Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 You are kidding yourself. The relationship means more to you than it does him. Have you ever been on the other side of this? Where you felt a guy was truly just a friend (even if you fooled around a bit) but that he harbored stronger romantic feelings for you? A girlfriend and I were talking about this very thing last night. She had a 3 year "relationship" with someone that she told point-blank "I love you but am not IN LOVE with you." Ultimately, no matter how clear she was about that, the other person continued to hope and pine away. Then IT happened. She met someone that she fell IN LOVE with and broke it off with the friend (who got hurt, because they're denial was so strong.) I've got another girlfriend doing this same thing in reverse. She's with a guy for 3 years who directly tells her that they are just friends, NOT boyfriend/girlfriend, yet she keeps hoping that someday he'll commit to her if she just sticks it out. You've told him that you support his marriage, which makes it seem like you are OK with just being a friend. But you're kind of misleading him. And dunno about what he meant about being with you if he left his wife. My hunch is that it wasn't a real promise! It sounds like an off-hand playful comment. My guy (and girl) friends have all said that to each other. It's the old joke about "If we don't find someone else, let's be each others fall back plan." It's not serious! Bottom line: If you're not IN LOVE with someone, nothing will ever change that. And a person can feel attracted to someone, even have sex with them, but not be IN LOVE. It's rare that feelings are mutual. There's nothing wrong with you. But you need to realize that you're wanting more than he does. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let go and find someone who has "in love" feelings for YOU.
fooled once Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 You are totally kidding yourself. He is NOT in love with you. He chose 2 other women besides you - first his wife and now his new girlfriend. You are a booty call. You are an ego stroke to him. END the friendship and quit settling for less than you deserve. If he wanted to truly be WITH you; he would be. He chose someone else.
jj33 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Actually he doesnt choose ANYONE. He is a little bee buzzing among the roses stopping briefly on each of them. You are one of a harem. Waiting it out is not the way to go. He knows how wonderful you are and that has not caused him to stop his buzzing. let him go on with his travels. You are not a far away rose bush.
Athena Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 The man lacks Integrity. Your loyalty is lost on him. If you are giving it to him, sure he will Take. But he's not worth your time. Guard your heart.
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