hurting003 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I found out recently that my wife had been having an affair with her boss. I was devestated when I found out and obviously went looking for the causes as to why it happened. I will admit that I wasn't the best husband in terms of satisfying all her needs all the time, but i certainly am not the worst husband in the world..i just don't think cheating is ever the answer. We have agreed to stay together to try to work things out, we have both seen councellors independently and together in an effort to pinpoint where our marriage went wrong, and to some degree i think these answers have been found. Here is where it gets tricky; I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that they still have to work together. My wife said she had ended all personal contact with him and told him that it was not appropriate to carry on any kind of relationship, and told me as hard as it is, i must trust her again. which i have tried to do... recently though i have found out that they have been corresponding again in an unproffesional manner and seeing each other. My wife has promised me transparency, but has not told me about seeing him. She doesn't know that I know they have been seeing each other again. Am I over reacting? Should I respect the fact that she may need time to have closure on this relationship? If she does want our marriage to work, then why start seeing him again and lie about it?
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Serving her with divorce papers at work should get the message across Think of it the same as warming up the butt of a child to get their attention. Once your disappointment has been received, then meaningful conversation can ensue. She's still in the fog of the affair, IMO. She probably will have to find another job if she wants the M to work...
bluechocolate Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well one thing you do know for sure right now: Her continuing to work there will mean the end of your marriage. ... and told me as hard as it is, i must trust her again. uh, no. That's the wrong way around - she has to earn your trust again.
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 No, you are NOT over-reacting. Serve her divorce papers immediately. She is still lying to you and still having contact, so she is still in the affair. Your marriage is over and you need to protect yourself.
Bryanp Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 You can't be serious. You forgive her for having an affair with her boss screwing him behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. You go to counseling and decide to forgive her and she promises the end of the affair and to be transparent. You now find out she has continue to see her boss behind your back and keeping it secret. What is wrong with this picture? It is clear she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and considers you a fool. How much disrespect and humliation are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would accept such total humiliation and disrespect from you? You need to contact an attorney. You also need to contact the OM's wife or girlfriend and inform the company's personal department. It is clear she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Enough is enough!
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Denial is an amazing thing. At some point, you will not believe you even had to ask this question, it is so absurd. But, during the aftermath of this trauma, our minds are really screwed up. Your wife is lying to you, yet again. In the past, when she has lied like this, it turned out to mean she was cheating. Is there really any question that the same is happening, again? One day, you'll look back on this and say "WTF was I thinking, buying this crap?". You have a very dishonest, broken wife on your hands and you might want to take a look at getting away from her toxicity.
Lucky_One Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 As an XOW, I can tell you that the physical desire to be together sexually after an ending is INTENSE; for some reason, it is magnified (wanting what you can't have, perhaps, that forbidden fruit?). If they are meeting without your knowledge, then the chemistry is eating them both alive. There is no such thing as closure. If she wants her marriage, then she needs to act like it is her first priority. And that DEFINITELY includes quitting her job. So you suffer financially, but the loss of one income is inevitable in this situation, because you are either going to divorce with financial loss or only have one income for a while. So "not quitting" for finances is BS. Just wait until you have to pay attorney's fees and furnish a second home....THAT is expensive.
lkjh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Giving her time for closure will just push her to the OM. You need to man up and she will respect that a lot more
Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Contact the OM NOW! Tell him you know and are trying to save your marriage with your wife, and if there is any additional contact between the two of them, other than strictly professional, you will a) divorce her so than he can have her full-time, b) alert whomever...his boss, his wife, etc. CC your wife on the email. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Let them know you know. Good luck to you.
mark982 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 man she's ho-ing on you again, and you know it.quit being a pushover,man-up toss her azz out,and get a divorce.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Personally, I'd walk. It was bad enough that she was cheating in the first place. Then you found out, she agreed to end it and limit contact to professional, and then struck it up again. She can't be trusted. But, if you do want to try to fix things with her, she needs to quit her job. Period, full stop. No more contact with her boss again, EVER. And you get absolute, unlimited access to her email, phone records, web records, everything for as long as you need in order to feel secure. If she resists any of that, then you have your answer: her f*ckbuddy and her "job" are more important to her than your marriage.
seibert253 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 This is the exact reason why when the WS works with the OP, one has to quit to ensure seperation. I would sit her down and tell her you know she's still having contact with her boss, and not telling you about it is tantamount to lying. I would tell her that you no longer trust her and she has two choices: 1. Quit her job immediately, no matter what the financial hardship is, tell the OM it's over and not to have any contact with her at all, (I would make her telephone him and listen as she tells OM never to contact her again), and complete transparency on her part, (cell phone, emails, etc) 2. Pack up and move out immediately If she chooses #2, file for divorce immediately You need to take control of this situation. I know you still love your wife, because if you didn't, this wouldn't be a problem and she would already be out the door. If your wife still loves you, she will do what she needs to make this work. Also, is the OM married and does his wife know about all of this? If he is, and his wife is not aware of this affair and continued contact, I feel she has a right to know, and you need to tell her. Nothing helps a WW come out of the fog, more that the OM throwing her under the bus to save his azz. Man-up, we are all here with you. Good Luck and keep up posted.
mark982 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 wht should he move out? he's not playing around. pack up her crap and dump it on "his" lawn.
Heroic Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 wht should he move out? he's not playing around. pack up her crap and dump it on "his" lawn. Love your style Mark!
seibert253 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 wht should he move out? he's not playing around. pack up her crap and dump it on "his" lawn. My bad, stand corrected. My typing sucks.
lostsunsets Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 File for divorce. This will be a shot across her bow. SHE IS A SERIAL CHEATER. She cheated before. She is cheating again.
falseprophet Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 First off, It's hard to take advice from somebody who is not even married; however, I like to think I have more common sense than the next guy. This woman obviously doesn't have any respect you or your marriage! Kudos for you for trying to make it work, at least you know you gave it your all.. Ok, now im done stroking your ego. Ok, as I said, this woman has no respect for you or her marraige with you. If she honestly wanted to make it work she would have quit her job and found another place of employment. Even a dumb-ass counselor would have reccommended that. Right there should have been a clue that she wasn't ready to break any ties with her boss. Now she is contacting him on an unprofessional basis? Bottom line, you need to let her go. Why spend all your effort on trying to make something work when she obviously doesn't care about it?
jnj express Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 If you want to R this mge. and stay with this woman, who disrespects you, then there must be immediate NC, put in place, not by a call or a visit, but by a letter, or E-mail with you present to see it sent. Next she leaves her job, if she balks, you simply say what do you want your mge., or your job, there are other jobs out there. She gives notice tomorrow and is out of there tomorrow, you might also go to whoever owns the business, as long as it is not the OM., and explain why your cheating wife is leaving, tell them that one of their employees is a homewrecker, and make sure they know you are not happy about it, and there might be consequences, you really can't do anything, but let them squirm anyway. After that the whole ballgame rests on your wife, she needs to go transparent in every way, she needs to be remorseful at the highest level, she needs TO EARN YOUR TRUST, she needs to account for all her time away from home if you are not with her. IE if you say jump, she says how high. YOU MAKE ALL THE RULES, she does not get a say in any matter at this point. If she can't abide by the above then take her clothes throw them out on the front lawn, and tell her to not let the door hit her on the back side as she leaves. Do not coddle her, she either wants to stay married, and earns the right to stay married, or she leaves.
Darth Vader Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 First, contact a good lawyer and protect your assets and divorce this cancerous wife. Second, Contact HR in their corporation and disclose all of the info in reguards to their affair. That'll most likely get them both fired! You want to inflict as much harm to their affair as possible, and inform OM's wife of the affair. You'll be inflicting harm to the affair and they'll be paying REAL consequences at the same time! Lastly, continue to divorce this piece of trash wife, and find someone better, you deserve it!
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