I'm TOO emotional... he's TOO rational...

[blob1939]

Hi everyone,

 

I’ve been reading here for a long time and finally decide to post something. I hope some people can help me to *see the light*, right now I’m feeling very down.

 

I recently (3 months) started dating a very nice man, he’s cute, he’s smart, he’s single/no kids, we get along well and I like him A LOT. We are not young anymore (34 years old). He is VERY controlled, VERY reserved and VERY rational. I, on the other hand, am completely the opposite, 100% Scorpio (hahaha), very emotional and very intense. As you can imagine, sparks are flying between us and not always in a good way!

 

We live in the same city but in 2 weeks he’ll start an 8-month project in another city, 7 hours by car from here. Obviously, that means he’ll move there and we won’t see each other often, more likely once a month. We live in Canada and it’s kind of expensive to fly between our cities, I checked that already.

 

Anyway… not only he was going to leave in 2 weeks, but I also found out that he was planning to travel to his parents place (in another country) to resolve some problems in our last week together, a decision he took alone and just informed me about it. I can’t even start to explain how much that made my blood boil, ahhhh!!!

 

Last week we spent most time just arguing about it. No, that’s wrong, *I* spent most time fighting, because he never says anything, he never gives his opinion, he never gets involved. His is 100% against fights, he never raises his voice or shows any kind of emotion, if I’m upset he just waits until I calm down and when I do, he considers the problem is fixed already, so what’s the reason to talk about it again? He always say “focus on the solution, not on the problem”, and that’s very nice, but usually the solution is that either I have to accept whatever happened and move on or I have the option to end everything and move on. Both made me sick and even worse, it seems he is fine with any of them!

 

I told him once that being so controlled he only shows what he wants people to see and he agreed with me. I, on the other hand, show everything, the good, the bad and the ugly and I’m becoming the *annoying girlfriend*, the one who’s always telling how I feel, what I want, what I need, complaining and not enjoying the moment. He says he used to be intense and he was in pain all the time, so now he’s controlled and distant and he’s much happier, he feels but he doesn’t show and I just have to accept that’s the way he is. And that even if he doesn’t show it, he likes me a lot too, if he didn’t he would have gone a long time ago. OK, great, so that’s it?

 

Sigh... how can I become less involved, less intense? Really, is this the way to be happy in life? I really like him a lot, but I am afraid there won’t be any future with him if I continue to be so emotional, it’s like we are 1000% in opposite sides…

[Treasa]

I think you should let him go. Honestly, he doesn't sound like the right kind of person for you.

 

Tell him you enjoy his company, and that you hope he has fun while he's gone, and to give you a call when he gets back if he'd like to try again.

 

You're going to make yourself crazy being something you aren't, and trying to change him into something he isn't.

[bluechocolate]

His is 100% against fights, he never raises his voice or shows any kind of emotion, if I’m upset he just waits until I calm down and when I do, he considers the problem is fixed already

 

What would happen if, instead of arguing or fighting, you put some time aside to sit down & calmly talk about your issues & feelings ? With no raised voices, no tears, & with no expectation of 'winning'.

 

Some people, & this guy sounds like one of them, confronted with strong emotions & raised voices just shut down. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, it's just that he may have a different way of dealing with issues than you do. Differences are ok, it's how you manage them that matter.

[Jersey Shortie]

If you ask me, it's one thing to be reserved but it's another to be not address your partners feelings. That's not being reserved, that's ignoring the normal issues that can come up in a relationship. I dated a man like that and it was very frustrating. Nothing ever got resolved. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him despite him being a good guy and having good sex. Ultimately, he is obviously not giving you what you need and you are frustarated with the person you become with him sometimes. I think you know the answer deep inside yuo.

[JustLooking123]

You two just sound incompatible. I'd move on if I were you; there are other fish in the sea. Good luck!

[Kamille]

You just described my relationship with my ex ex. It was so infuriating. Ex ex would mobilize rationality, "logic" and "staying calm" to ignore my point of view. He even refused to listen to me if he "perceived" that I was angry or raising my voice (sometimes I wasn't even raising my voice).

 

FRUSTRATING and it meant that I felt he was in control of the relationship.

 

He also made decision without consulting me - but would get really upset if i did the same thing (or, again, if he perceived that I made a decision without consulting him).

 

That being said, I think the first step for you, considering you like this guy, is to arrive at a compromise. Tell him you would like the both of you to improve how you communicate with each other. I like Blue chocolate's advice: try to change how you interact with him - but try to get him to understand that even though he may not agree with how you express things, he should still hear you out.

[carhill]

I wonder if he's banging someone else. Such calm in the face of relationship issues has to balance out somewhere. IME, this is but one unhealthy part of the infidelity triangle.

 

Nearly all the guys I know who handle women the way the OP describes either have other women, are alcoholics or are completely disassociated emotionally (can only have superficial relationships). It all comes out somewhere

 

IMO, when he moves, good on him

[blob1939]

Sigh... he does listen to me. He listens a lot, always blame himself and says he's going to work to fix the problem - alone. And while this is happening, there's no need to argue again. Not that he tells me "stop arguing" or something like that, he never says anything, he continues listening and observing - but from a very big distance (at least, that's what I think, he says he's not distant, just reserved).

 

Once I told him that I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean and he doesn't push me back to the boat nor push me down in the water. Doesn't help me, doesn't hurt me, just nothing. Like I need a floating device and he keeps just observing... I don't know how to deal with this.

 

He's being going to meetings about zen, stress control, etc for more than 15 years. He's in absolute control of his feelings, sometimes I have a hard time believing he feels anything. But he says he does, I just don't know.

 

He also believes HE has to fix all the problems by himself, without bringing other people into it, like it's his responsability alone. If we have a *fight* (I don't consider fighting when I'm talking about my feelings, but I do get emotional), he goes home and try to fix, change, whatever - everything by himself and without my participation.

 

I'm feeling so frustated... last night was supposed to be very romantic, dinner, spending time together before his trip and it was completely ruined, I could see how upset he was I was *complaining again* (but he never said a word!) and if I had said "let's end it", I know he would agree. There was no romance at all, I came home alone.

 

This is not what I wanted... he's travelling tomorrow and I have no idea if we are going to see tonight or not.

 

I will try harder to not be so emotional/crazy... it really SUCKS!

[Kamille]

awww ((blob1939))... It's going to be ok. I disagree with almost everyone here - I think you two can work things out.

 

You say yourself he is willing to work on things. Why don't you write him a letter where you ask him to work on how you two communicate?

 

And if you want to see him before he leaves, please call him!

 

And, last note, why note attend one of those zen seminars? Maybe it'll help you understand him better.

[loveslife]

You're not going to be able to work this out. You're making it about you, what you're not getting. You're not even really paying attention to the responses you get here.

 

Relationships are about two people. It seems to me that he accepts you as you are. Can you accept him? If not, move on.

 

I've been in exactly the same place you are. It's horrible. But it had to do with me, with my expectations and insecurities. Nowadays, I'm more like your friend. As far as I'm concerned, someone can stay or go, it's fine. I just want to be happy and content.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

He sees feelings as an algebra problem. That, combined with the assertion that he has to *work* on the solution himself, without other perspective and/or input, likely will relegate him to superficial relationships for the rest of his life.

 

Tell me about the happiest moment you ever shared with him. Perhaps a moment when you felt you really connected. I trust that you know that feeling when you really connect with someone on an elemental level. Describe that interaction, if you've experienced it with him.

[dreamergrl]

I feel the same as Kamille. I'm also the same as you OP. I don't hide my feelings. I don't contain myself. And really, there are times I should (sometimes I tend to jump the gun). I'm also recently in a very similar situation. It's tough! I can't say it will all work out. But I agree with Kamille that if you really want to try to work it out, then the first step is trying to figure out a good way to communicate. Please keep us updated on how things pan out!

[blob1939]

He sees feelings as an algebra problem.

 

You are so right here, he even told me he makes a list of the *problems* he has to fix and he works on them one by one, like a mth problem. He studied physics and he works with computers, very geek... oh my!

[blob1939]

You're not going to be able to work this out. You're making it about you, what you're not getting. You're not even really paying attention to the responses you get here.

 

Relationships are about two people. It seems to me that he accepts you as you are. Can you accept him? If not, move on.

 

I know I'm making it about me, that's the point, I want to change! I agree with you that it seems he accepts me the way I am and I should do the same with him, but the question is, HOW? How do I accept that he is *cold* and *distant* and rational and logical, when I have all this boling feelings inside me? Just shut up and say nothing? Deal with my feelings alone and only show him the happy me? I'm not being sarcastic here, THIS IS A REAL QUESTION, I don't know how to deal with this!

 

 

I've been in exactly the same place you are. It's horrible. But it had to do with me, with my expectations and insecurities. Nowadays, I'm more like your friend. As far as I'm concerned, someone can stay or go, it's fine. I just want to be happy and content.

 

Yeh, this sounds exactly like him, I can stay or I can go, as long as I'm *happy* he is fine too... sigh, I wonder if some day I'll be able to be remotely like this, right now I care A LOT if somebdoy I like wants to stay with me or not!

[blob1939]

That, combined with the assertion that he has to *work* on the solution himself, without other perspective and/or input, likely will relegate him to superficial relationships for the rest of his life.

 

He had 3 relationships before me, 5 years, 8 years and then 7 years... I wonder if those were superficial and that's why they lasted longer or if *I* am the problem and am making everything more difficult... it's being hard.

 

Tell me about the happiest moment you ever shared with him. Perhaps a moment when you felt you really connected. I trust that you know that feeling when you really connect with someone on an elemental level. Describe that interaction, if you've experienced it with him.

 

I don't know if I had this elemental level connection with him already, but when we are together and we are fine, with no problems or issues between us, it's really good, really really good and I feel we are a team, with a bright future, very happy. The problem is when we have some issue to resolve, even if it's not serious or about us, then I feel very *left out*, no connection at all.

[windows]

sounds alot like me and how I would 'idealise' myself to be in a relationship. I am a very rational person and I feel that if I lose my cool the whole thing will go under. obviously that can't be true. As much as it pains me to admit this, he truly does see himself as a large facilitator in the emotions of a relationship, ironically. believing his rationality will help stabilise you like algebra.

 

appeal to his rationality and tell him whats not working out and ask what you can do to help. rationalise whats going wrong just like you have been doing here. also, dont play a blame game with him - he woul rather start an argument on nuetral ground. tell him he doesn't have to do it all by himself. You need to see the truth of what he wants from you. If you are in no way compatible with tht, you really have no choice but to walk away.

[carhill]

He had 3 relationships before me, 5 years, 8 years and then 7 years... I wonder if those were superficial and that's why they lasted longer or if *I* am the problem and am making everything more difficult... it's being hard.

 

It would be interesting (of course, not possible) to get the perspective of those partners.

 

FWIW, my wife is the unemotional one in our M and, interestingly, her two prior M's lasted about the same length of time as you described for this guy. Of course, the men had problems, as I do

 

I see emotion as impetus, as meaning, as reason. IMO, it takes both emotional engagement and intellect/life experience to have a healthy relationship and to work through relationship issues.

 

Tell me, how long have the two of you been intimate sexually? Men often engage emotionally through sex. How does that go?

[blob1939]

It would be interesting (of course, not possible) to get the perspective of those partners.

 

I do know he liked them a lot. I think he was hurt by one of them (like she was the one who ended it), and then he decided to change and control his feelings.

 

Tell me, how long have the two of you been intimate sexually? Men often engage emotionally through sex. How does that go?

 

We've been having sex for 1 month. He's amazing, very attentive, very loving, really nice, 100% focused on me. Not cold or distant at all, a completely different person!

 

Isn't all this complexity enough to make an emotional woman like me go crazy?

AHHHHH!!!

[Trialbyfire]

blob, it's not rational to ignore issues. While I agree with his approach to displaying strong emotions, in that there's no yelling/screaming or swearing at each other, he has to learn to discuss the problem and then work together to find a solution. You're going to have to learn to tamp down your emotional blast to a moderate level, so he doesn't shut down on you.

 

If the two of you can't get to the above compromise, it won't last.

[loveslife]

I know I'm making it about me, that's the point, I want to change! I agree with you that it seems he accepts me the way I am and I should do the same with him, but the question is, HOW? How do I accept that he is *cold* and *distant* and rational and logical, when I have all this boling feelings inside me? Just shut up and say nothing? Deal with my feelings alone and only show him the happy me? I'm not being sarcastic here, THIS IS A REAL QUESTION, I don't know how to deal with this!

 

 

 

 

Yeh, this sounds exactly like him, I can stay or I can go, as long as I'm *happy* he is fine too... sigh, I wonder if some day I'll be able to be remotely like this, right now I care A LOT if somebdoy I like wants to stay with me or not!

 

 

 

Blob, I'm so sorry for not understanding what you were asking. I do have advice.

 

I'd suggest you try and think about what you like about the relationship and what you like about him. Focus on what you have to be grateful about.

 

It sounds to me like this guy is committed to you, just not in the way you visualize someone being committed.

 

I will tell you that I lost someone I loved very much (hmm, a scorpio guy) because I couldn't open up to him and express how I felt about him. Meanwhile, he was all about "this is how I feel" and "this is what I want."

 

We ended up breaking up because of this. He left me.

 

By the time I felt like I could tell him how I felt, he had moved on. We're friends now, but there's a big "what might have been."

 

Could he have forced me to open up? No. Could anything he said have made me want to open up? No. I was so stuck inside myself after years of wearing my heart on my sleeve and getting hurt.

 

That's where it came from for me.

 

Maybe your guy needs the reassurance from you and some patience? Maybe once he feels safe he will be more forthcoming?

 

I'd say some good qualities about him -

 

1. He's committed to you.

 

2. He's independent.

 

3. He is basically kind - not mean it seems.

 

Well, maybe you could try and focus on the good. Build him up instead of putting him down. Make it about him for a bit.

 

What do you think?

[blob1939]

I will tell you that I lost someone I loved very much (hmm, a scorpio guy) because I couldn't open up to him and express how I felt about him. Meanwhile, he was all about "this is how I feel" and "this is what I want."

 

Yep, that sounds exactly like me, always talking about what I want or how I feel (I cannot talk about what HE wants or how HE feels, can I?). The sad part is that I always thought that IT was a good thing, that it would make my relationship better because he would know what's going on with me, with us and all issues would be easier to work on since everything was in the open... but I can see how it could be seen as me being very selfish.

 

 

Could he have forced me to open up? No. Could anything he said have made me want to open up? No. I was so stuck inside myself after years of wearing my heart on my sleeve and getting hurt.

 

That really rings a bell for me, I think this is what I am trying to do, to force him to open up. And he makes very clear he is not going to, so it escalates to a fight. I guess I'd like him to be more *like me*, telling to my face whatever he's feeling so we could fix it and move on. I guess I have lots to change.

 

 

Maybe your guy needs the reassurance from you and some patience? Maybe once he feels safe he will be more forthcoming?

 

Maybe... I guess I will have to take a chance and see what happens.

 

 

Well, maybe you could try and focus on the good. Build him up instead of putting him down. Make it about him for a bit.

 

How can I do this? Really, how? I can say he's wonderful and smart and everything that I think about him, I do that already, is that enough? But what happens when he notices that I'm feeling blue, maybe missing him, maybe sad because of anything (and I have no idea how to hide this), won't he go back to his mode *let me fix this problem alone and then I'll come back later*?