brock9911 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 well just recently my ex broke up with me saying she felt neglected and she didnt like that i like to party or go to bars because she didnt trust me. We were together for 8 years and 4 of them we lived together. lots of ups and downs and bumps in the road but nothing we couldnt handle until my friends caught her cheating on me multiple times. she would get drunk and black out and say she didnt know what happened. i blindly trusted her and took her back. a year goes by and well apparently her guilt is making her think im doing the same thing. i feel lost and heart broken. i honestly have know clue where to go, what to do or even how to find another again. my mind keeps telling me that i wont find another peson. i dont even know how to go about finding another person. its been so long. i dont know life sux!
PinkRibbon Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Hi Brock911 If I have learned one thing on here it is not to find another person but to find yourself. This is a time to go back to being just you and find out who you is without the other person. I am sorry this happened but you came to the right place to just talk and listen to other people who are in the same boat as you. It is terribly hard when you come out of any length of relationship to feel complete and right but it takes time and it will take a long time in some case. So what ever you are feeling post away and get it off your chest. Good luck!
Confused9 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I agree. Take the time to work on you. Unfortunately, another person will only take away the sting, for a short time, if anything. 8 yrs is a long time to be with someone. I was with my x for 7 and I lost a lot of myself and changed a great deal. It's amazing the things you start to rememebr you enjoyed, etc. when you don't have someone else around all the time. I am not going to lie. This s*cks. A broken heart is the worst thing, ever, but you can use it to your advantage. Once the pain is gone, you can begin working on yourself and learn to appreciate the alone time. YOu need to be okat to be alone and not focus so much on finding someone else. There is a lot that needs to happen before you are ready for a new relationship. Don't rush in to a rebound just cause you are lonely. Take care of yourself!
Author brock9911 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 thanx. this is still relatively new to me so i dont even know where to begin. but as you guys know you forget what its like to be by yourself. the thought is scary and lonely. im curious because i havent been out withnot having to worry about how shes doing or not having to check in. but those kinds of things were also nice to know there was someone who cared. also before i met her i was pretty reckless and destructive. basically a stupid teenager who had to push the limit with everything. it scares me to fall back into those ways because she straigtened me out from all of that.
Confused9 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well use this as a life lesson. Proof of how strong you are. Don't get back in to destructive behaviour just becasue she isn't there to 'straighten' you out. Straighten yourself out. Be your own voice of reason. Sometimes a break-up can be a blessing in disguise. A reason for self inventory, self discovery, etc. You need to try and put a positive spin on this or else you will go nuts. Drinking will not make you feel better. Just a bunch of black-outs and hangovers...trust me. )
Author brock9911 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 yeah well iv always had a guard up from getting hurt in the past. not necessarily relationships, but family & friends ect. i let her in and i know i love her but it always felt like she loved me more. like she cared more because i was always cautious. but we still went on a weekend vacation every month. always did stuff together. and we said we'd meet in motauk (phrase from a movie). once she cheated i put a bigger guard up but still loved her to death. what sux now is she packed all my stuff and told me we can never work out. we're not going anywhere and im not gonna change. but she still loves me with all of her heart and doesnt want to let this go. i wanted to work it out but she wouldnt. and im still the same person, she just changed and wants me to change with her. i just want things back to the way they were.
Confused9 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Sounds like she's made her mind up and to be honest, I understand you love her but why would you settle for someone who cheats on you? You deserve better, and you knwo that. She most likely does too. Sounds ilke you have been hurt a lot. I know how hard that is...there's a lot of mending you need to do before you can totally give yourself to someoen and I think that would be wise to do bever considereing being with someone else.
Author brock9911 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 yeah she tells me that if i straighten my self out than things can change but she doesnt see that happening. my biggest fear is her sleeping with someone or getting a new boyfriend. once that happens i know its done for good, but its not what i want. relationships suck
PinkRibbon Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Cheating multiple times is a cronic cheater. I know this hurts more than death itself but you have to think is she the best person for you? Once a cheater always a cheater? I don't know but I heard that somewhere. And can you fully trust her again? Trust is very important in a relationship. Once broken it is really hard to get back. I hate to say give it up and move on when someone is hurting so you have to use your best judgement for you. If I was a man I wouldn't take her back. There are too many wonderful single women looking for a man that wouldn't cheat on you.
BCCA Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Brock, she's lying through her teeth and taking advantage of you. Straight up man, she's manipulating you left and right, let me break down a few things. my friends caught her cheating on me multiple times. she would get drunk and black out and say she didnt know what happened Give me a f***ing break. She blacks out and doesnt remember taking her clothes off or kissing other guys? Dude, thats such a bad lie it shows next to no respect for you at all. her guilt is making her think im doing the same thing "You dont look under the bed unless you hide there yourself". Chances are, shes still cheating, and thats making her paranoid. Most cheaters are quick to point the finger. my mind keeps telling me that i wont find another peson You mean one thats wonderful enough to cheat on you? No, you wont find her exact duplicate, but you will find someone much better. yeah she tells me that if i straighten my self out than things can change This is classic, text book stuff. Basically, 'straighten' can mean any number of things, and honestly, no matter what you do, its NEVER going to be enough. She'll just keep adding on, and saying 'well yeah you did X, but Y bothers me now'. You'll never be able to meet her approval, quite frankly, because she doesnt want you to. She wants you to feel inadequate and keep trying to better yourself, while she does nothing to change. No effort of her at all, its all your fault - PLEASE! my biggest fear is her sleeping with someone How can you be sure she didnt do that before? There is no way you can trust this girl. What you have here is a classic case of a super selfish girl, who thinks that men are toys to use for their enjoyment and dispose of. She doesnt even seem to care how you feel at all, or want to make you happy. She just wants to have everything her way, and for you to shut up about it. Thats no way to live, and honestly my man, I think she knew from the jump she was gonna bail as soon as something better came along. Start over with another girl, bro. I know how much it sucks, I cant find more than an occasional one night stand, and Ive been broken up from my ex for 9 months. Being along is still ALWAYS better than being with someone who mistreats you, and doesnt care about making you happy. TO THE CURB!!!
thegoodlife Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Brock I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. You've found a good place here on LS, many of us have been in your shoes and we're all here to support one another and to give each other a swift kick in the ass if needed as well. I know right now you're feeling in a complete haze and can't find any way out. Can't imagine moving on and life without her. I've been there and it sucks, there's no other way to put it. The best advice I can give you for now is to firstly accept that it's over, so you can start to move on. I've seen so many people spend months, nearly a year after a relationship has ended before they even accept that it's finally over. As much as it hurts, just accept it for what it is, because trust me, you're better off. Don't listen to the sh*t this girl is putting in your head, don't let her make you feel guilty or that you've got to change or that you did something wrong. Don't let her have the upper hand by controlling the way you think of yourself.
in_limbo Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I've passed out before... trust me, I remembered everything.
carhill Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 So, mid 20's and likes to drink a bit (avatar with beer bottle).....take the train into Manhattan one day a week and just walk around. Find a local pub that catches your fancy (I always stop at Connolly's on 47th near Lex) and see what's up. Most local joints have a regular crowd. Get to know people; get interested in them. Get your mind off of women and this woman in particular. Just enjoy people in general. Walk through Central Park. Sit on a bench. Watch the world go by. I can't tell you how many great people I've met through traveling. See, I don't live in Manhattan. I live in California. IMO, if you have solid evidence of her infidelity, and especially since you are not married nor have children together, it's paramount that you take proactive steps to show that you are man to be respected. Do you think she respects you? BTW, she didn't change you. You changed yourself. She might have inspired those changes, but they are yours. You own them. One day, one foot.
Author brock9911 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 thanx for all the advice. iv talked to her since. mainly because i need to still get my stuff out of the house. she talks about how im self destructing and im drinking way to much and its getting out of control. not untrue. and that i neglect her and dont spend enough time with her. also not untrue. her main objective, or so she says is that she wants me to clean up and get this out of my system so we can start to mend things. now if theres a problem which im fully aware of i just refused to fix it, now would be the time to actually work on it. i just dont understand why i get a back turned on me when i try to better myself, and i stayed by her side when she was going through the same stuff. now im only 25, im not ready to stop living my life, its to short and ive seen so many friends and family pass on early who never got to do half the stuff ive done. most of which with her. b4 i left the house with the rest of my stuff i threw a picture of the 2 of us on the bed (symbolism anyone). i than get a voice mail a little while later of her histerical saying she doesnt want me to go but she cant stand to see me like this, that she wants the old me back. or not necessarily the old me but the compassionate me. im confused as to whether i should fix my self up so we can continue our lives or what. its really hard
Woggle Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 So she's a cheater and she tried to control your life? Be glad she dumped you and set you free. Go and do all the things you couldn't do without getting the 3rd degree from her.
Author brock9911 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 and also we are basically the same person, accept shes a she and im a he. the same sports, music, movies, stubbornness, activities, ect. it just feels like its a special thing that if i let it go without trying, i wont be able to get it back.
Confused9 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Sounds like she's trying to blame you for her being a cheater. Telling you you need to 'straighten out'. I mean, drinking and passing out is not the best thing in the world but being a cheater is a bad bad trait. I say run for the hills. Get yourself together, and find someone who is not going to cheat on your consistently and then turn around and blame you for it.
Confused9 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 No, you're right...if you let go, you won't get her back, but I am almost certain you will get something way better when the time is right. Being with someone who constantly cheats on you is not good for your soul. You both have a lot fo work to do on yourselves I would focus on that instead of getting her back. I knwo you love her and want her back, but eventually you will see that you are not good for each other or with each other.
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