ImLost4you Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I been in a relationship with this girl for 2 years and we were gonna get married sometime in Aug. but two weeks ago I made an aweful action on my part when I let on of my friends performed oral sex on me and made out with her along with some fonding. Before you start bashing notice I did not say the word ''mistake'' as it was not, I should have not let it happened and did nothing. So don't starting with saying ''Oh but leaving your car keys is a mistake''. I know that already so it's pointless. I did told her right away that day crying at the same time and off course she is shattered to pieces but I was amaze that she still wants to work it out. I was almost 100% sure it was going to end in a break-up as that's what I would have deserve. But it didn't so now I wanna know what else I do to assure that nothing like this will happened again. I want her in my life. Thing is I don't really know why I did it. So anyway how can I work on this and how long does it takes exactly (give me an approximation).
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I been in a relationship with this girl for 2 years and we were gonna get married sometime in Aug. but two weeks ago I made an aweful action on my part when I let on of my friends performed oral sex on me and made out with her along with some fonding. Before you start bashing notice I did not say the word ''mistake'' as it was not, I should have not let it happened and did nothing. So don't starting with saying ''Oh but leaving your car keys is a mistake''. I know that already so it's pointless. I did told her right away that day crying at the same time and off course she is shattered to pieces but I was amaze that she still wants to work it out. I was almost 100% sure it was going to end in a break-up as that's what I would have deserve. But it didn't so now I wanna know what else I do to assure that nothing like this will happened again. I want her in my life. Thing is I don't really know why I did it. So anyway how can I work on this and how long does it takes exactly (give me an approximation). Well soon as you decide to stop letting different women bob on your knob and take your relationship with your partner more seriously how long is up to you in the end. Maybe you need some counseling if you feel you cant control these urges and if you really cant stop yourself I would let her go she doesn't deserve to be disrespected like that. Please don't take that as an attack its not meant to be I can see you have some genuine remorse and at least you were honest right away good for you. I hope you can figure out why you let it happen in the 1st place some other advice don't tell people not to bash you its a sure fire way to get a good bashing on here lol..
Author ImLost4you Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Well soon as you decide to stop letting different women bob on your knob and take your relationship with your partner more seriously how long is up to you in the end. No it won't happen again. This is what I been telling her but she tells me that she is not sure because I can't answer why I cheated. This is what I been struggling with and I really have no answer to it. What I will say is she's the one I lose my virginity while she had already been in 8 relationships before so I don't know if that played a role. Maybe you need some counseling if you feel you cant control these urges and if you really cant stop yourself I would let her go she doesn't deserve to be disrespected like that. This my campus does have counseling so I will start going tomorrow but I don't think it had to do with urges nor wants, I don't know. I'm just very sad at this moment, feel like crying once again. But it won't happen again. I just need to find a way she can trust me again. I hope you can figure out why you let it happen in the 1st place some other advice don't tell people not to bash you its a sure fire way to get a good bashing on here lol.. Yes that is what I want to find out. I still have no answer to this.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'm wondering if you don't have underlying doubts about your relationship - the marriage date being so close at hand. I'm sure this would be something to look at when you go to counseling.
JackJack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 IMO, I think you both should put the wedding on hold for a bit longer. If you can't figure out WHY it is you cheated, then you really have no business going into a marriage. A marriage is serious and you're not even taking your engagement seriously. You're still thinking with the other head. I think you both need to do some soul searching, and you even said she wasn't sure either, so call the wedding off for now, put it on the back burner and see how things go from here. You're both going to have to heal from this, and jumping into getting married is not healing.
Kaii Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 It is for reasons like this that I feel that men and women in committed relationships should not be friends with the opposite sex. I mean, he doesn't even know why he did it, yet he let his female friend give him oral sex. Astounding.
blair08 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Maybe you did it for selfish reason(s) that's the only thing I can think of. You getting physical pleasure from someone other than your fiance' is what was on your mind. Does your g/f not give you oral sex is that it? Or does she, and you just wanted to see what it was like with another person? I agree about post poning the wedding, you both need to think about things and what you really want.
Bejita463 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 It is for reasons like this that I feel that men and women in committed relationships should not be friends with the opposite sex. I mean, he doesn't even know why he did it, yet he let his female friend give him oral sex. Astounding. A cheater is going to cheat whether they have friends of the opposite sex or not.
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Dude, you don't need to be married, if you can't be honest. You had better find out why you did this before your GF finds another man, who will treat her with respect. Asking how long it will take just shows how immature you are.
AAlike Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 It is for reasons like this that I feel that men and women in committed relationships should not be friends with the opposite sex. I mean, he doesn't even know why he did it, yet he let his female friend give him oral sex. Astounding. oh come on that's a ridiculous statement. the problem is not the friendships, it's the cheaters! A better statement is if you can't maintain your self-control around members of the opposite sex, friends or not, you should not be in a relationship!
Author ImLost4you Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Maybe you did it for selfish reason(s) that's the only thing I can think of. You getting physical pleasure from someone other than your fiance' is what was on your mind. I think so, I mean it was a selfish act what I just did and I know there was and is no excuse for it not even if a relationship goes rocky. Does your g/f not give you oral sex is that it? Or does she, and you just wanted to see what it was like with another person? She did give it to me on three occassions only, as she doesn't like performing oral sex but rather either go straight to sex, me going down on her or anal. Those 3 occassions it was only when she was teaching it to me (to know what it was like and I insisted on it that she did it) since I had been a virgin when she met me. I agree about post poning the wedding, you both need to think about things and what you really want. Yes she did even make me return the wedding ring as she stated that not until she feels I can be trusted then will she considered marrying me. Now the ring wasn't that cheap, it was kinda expensive. Dude, you don't need to be married, if you can't be honest. You had better find out why you did this before your GF finds another man, who will treat her with respect. Asking how long it will take just shows how immature you are. I'm trying to figure out why I did it but can't. This is why I will talk to counselor at my campus about it. Reason I was asking how long it will take is because I keep hearing bad news about people still rubbing it in their face after 1 year or more pass by. I do read infidelity threads over here and all I ever hear is the ''once a cheater always a cheater'' phrase. I'm predicting that as I go to counseling and continue reassuring her that it won't happen again and how I want her in my life (I still wanna get married in the future when she can get pass this) then hopefully by somewhere between 6 months to 1 year then this will be rebuilt and there will be no more talk about it. Then from then on I can buy the ring again, hopefully she won't reject me then.
Author ImLost4you Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Anyone that has gotten cheated on and you decided to forgive and work on it, about how long it took you to get it on good level, good enough not to bring it on again? I need to have an idea of it, does it takes years like in some people's cases because if so by then I would already be 28 (I'm 23 right now). 1 year to about 2 years I can do but 5 years, that's too much. Or does it depends on the case? For example if someone was caught in the act of cheating with their partners walking in on them or if they were discovered in the lie versus my case where I told her right away without being pressure into telling the truth. I need to know this as she is obviously shattered and off course no longer wants her rather ex friend in her life, wants nothing to do with her. So do I start giving her my email accounts, I heard some do that when cheating has occured, though she never reads checks on my email. I know I have to be honest with her, I always have been except what I did but I still told her right away that day.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 It depends on the person. Does your GF hold grudges? Does she complain a lot about things people have done to her in the past? Everybody is different. The first time my XH cheated on me, I found out on my own, he tried to deny it, I had proof. I think I would have been able to heal within a year if he hadn't ****ed up and did it again 5 months later. With one of my best friends, nonetheless. I'm not sure I ever fully healed from that one. But the constant lying didn't help, either. So I'll say this - always, always, always tell her the truth about EVERYTHING. And if you want this to work, expect her to ask questions about what you're doing, where you're going, etc. Don't get pissy about it. You're the one that ****ed up. If it's innocent (what you're getting ready to do), then it shouldn't be a problem. Do not omission-lie, either. Lying by omission is still lying. Keep your word to a T. If she's not a big grudge holder (I'm really not...I ended up friends again with the BFF my XH cheated with...albeit more casual the second time around), she should be able to move past it. But if she brings it up in arguments like it's a weapon, I'm going to call foul on that one - that's not fair if you guys have worked on said issue through counseling.
boldjack Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Lost, you are still being selfish. If you really love her , then what difference does it make? If it takes 1 year or 5 , it will take as long as it takes for her to trust you again. Your concern about the time limit is extremely immature. You should be thinking instead, about her, and proving you are trustworthy. There is no time limit to cheating.
Author ImLost4you Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 It depends on the person. Does your GF hold grudges? Does she complain a lot about things people have done to her in the past? Everybody is different. Yes I guess that's part of the answer and yes you're right it does depends on the person. My girlfriend isn't the type of person that holds grudges or rubs in your face constantly (apart from my cheating that is). Complainer, not that I know of. Come to think of it I believe we can make it within a year or less. And well with counseling it'll be even better. The first time my XH cheated on me, I found out on my own, he tried to deny it, I had proof. I think I would have been able to heal within a year if he hadn't ****ed up and did it again 5 months later. With one of my best friends, nonetheless. I'm not sure I ever fully healed from that one. But the constant lying didn't help, either. You're right about the lying not helping. I didn't hide anything from her, I told her what exactly happened though it wasn't easy for me as I was crying at the same time. So I'll say this - always, always, always tell her the truth about EVERYTHING. And if you want this to work, expect her to ask questions about what you're doing, where you're going, etc. Don't get pissy about it. You're the one that ****ed up. I know what you mean, trickle truth is horrible. I never done that. Why would I do that if I want to rebuilt this. Plus if I were to lie I would be very aweful at it as I would end up telling it the next day. I can never seem to keep a lie, it makes me feel guilty in the end that I go on spilling the beans so fast. If she's not a big grudge holder (I'm really not...I ended up friends again with the BFF my XH cheated with...albeit more casual the second time around), she should be able to move past it. But if she brings it up in arguments like it's a weapon, I'm going to call foul on that one - that's not fair if you guys have worked on said issue through counseling. I agree on that one. Like I stated she's not a grugde holder, she's just hurt right now which I understand it since it was not so long ago. However if this was brought up on an argument after a long time and used as a weapon like you're stating then yes that would be unfair and I don't think I would put up with that. Yes I messed up I know but I ain't no scapegoat or punching bag you can vent on constantly either. Lost, you are still being selfish. If you really love her , then what difference does it make? If it takes 1 year or 5 , it will take as long as it takes for her to trust you again. Your concern about the time limit is extremely immature. You should be thinking instead, about her, and proving you are trustworthy. There is no time limit to cheating. I see what you mean but I still believe that in 1 year or 2 the most from now with all the counseling this should be either be rebuilt or at least close to ground 0 to the point she starts considering marriage again. I don't mean to be selfish but I did previously had a purpose in life and the main one was forming a family off course with the woman I want to spend my life with. I did wanted to get marry and have kids. What difference does it make you say, you don't know how I would feel when I become a father, that must be a great feeling, that's what difference that it makes. I am thinking about her and right now I will work hard on proving to her I can be trusted again. But yes I do have limits, sorry if this sounds selfish but I ain't no icon kept in the drawer with no purpose but just long term emotions, no family. Ok let's say I waited 5 + years to rebuilt this and still the same, no purpose in life, no marriage, no family, no kids (what I always wanted), then where is the happiness but just a long term relationship. So there's your question as what difference does it makes, yes it is a big deal to me.
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