busy_married_student Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I posted several months ago as a way to help me sort through why I was tempted and why I gave in. I mostly just got put down. I never thought reading a forum reply would make me cry. I've decided to try posting again to see if I can get some helpful advice. Please don't tell me what a horrible person I am etc. I'm well aware I made a mistake and I am truly sorry. Now I'm trying to move on but I'm running into a few problems. I don't miss my ex, I wish in fact I had broken things off years ago. So that is not a problem. Years of never being good enough really lowered my self-esteem, but it's gradually building up. I've forgiven him for most things, because I know now he has some psychological issues from his traumatic brain injury and the long difficult recovery process. I just can't seem to forgive him for the fourth time he raped me. He didn't even care. Just told me "I know you didn't enjoy that". yeah, no kidding. I also can't seem to forgive myself. I was away on a trip and found myself caught up in what it felt like to be treated as desirable by somebody who really is an amazing person. He apologized profusely as did I over losing control. There is no excuse for what I did and I should have left before it ever got to that point. Now, I'm alone. And honestly that's okay with me, I'm accomplishing quite a bit with my career now that I'm not constantly depressed about my failing marriage. 5 minutes of pleasure for years of guilt and regret. Nothing, not the abuse, not the lies, nothing justifies what I then went and did. I think I deserve to be alone forever. I want to forgive myself and believe that I am just a good person who made a horrible mistake, but I don't know if I can or even if I deserve to get to that point.
lostsunsets Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Are you in therapy? Are you in, or do you want to, or can you be in a relationship?
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Bms, The relationship is over. The reasons for your affair and the reasons for your ex's bad behavior mean nothing anymore. The future is before you and you can make it a much brighter one , with the knowledge you've gained, from the dark past. Be honest with yourself and with any new bf you have and you will be all right. Good Luck Jack
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I just can't seem to forgive him for the fourth time he raped me. Seems to imply that you forgave him for the first three times. Am I missing something? Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I've had to forgive myself for a fair amount of crap. What is important is facing it, owning it , making amends, if possible, and not repeating it. No one has a perfect track record at the end of life. I think it a an "on balance" analysis that determined if it was a life well lived.
Author busy_married_student Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I didn't feel that he really realized what he was doing first 3 times. 4th time he did and it was the worst, that's all. So I've managed to forgive the first 3. I did talk with a counselor and he seems to think i'm doing well. Most times I am, I mostly just get run down with the amount of things I have to do, and a lack of support. I tried casually dating but it just made me feel empty. I dated the one guy and told him I was divorced. he was cool with that. He wasn't cool with my tentativeness about sex. Asked me if i had been raped or something. I said yes and never heard from him again. nice guy in summary. I'm tired. some days I wish somebody would just hold me. It's been a long 2.5 years since that car accident.
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'm so nervous about sex with anyone else , now, too. You are lucky the guy who did not call back is not in your life. Just go along at your own pace and respect your feelings on this issue. If the person is right, he will understand.
Author busy_married_student Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 It's weird I think. I want sex, think about it often, but I don't want to ever be abused again. To really enjoy it, I think i would have to trust the guy, and that would take a long time and require getting fairly close. I don't want to get close to anyone right now. Reggie, do you have a post of your story? what happened?
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 My story is pretty standard. Married , 3 kids, wife doing the old boyfriend, as well as the frozen food delivery guy. Lots of lying, gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse associated with NPD , ASPD or BPD(your basic cluster B personality disorders.) This was my second marriage where I found out my spouse was cheating. So, I'm about as gunshy as it gets. I think the key , for me, is to look beyond the initial attraction and really look at how someone conducts her life. But, damn, there are just so many nuts out there. IMO.
Author busy_married_student Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 That is so sad. Not only did she cheat but was giving it away to multiple people at the same time. I'm surprised you are being calm with me. Though I wanted to throw up when I came home from my trip and had to go back to my now ex. I felt like such a whore. Course I also had traveler's diarrhea so that might have accounted for some of the nausea. he didn't care what I said or felt anyway, I was just something to screw. part of it is for me that he hardly ever wanted me. he decided he liked porn better and refused me in favor of it. blamed his lack of desire on my looks, bed skills etc. somtimes blamed it on accident. but now not only am i scared of being abused again, but I'm also afraid I can't satisfy anybody. go figure. pretty, confident, intelligent young woman with a promising career.....and afraid of sex
Reggie Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well, it takes a while to overcome the abuse tapes. Folks seem to be particularly vulnerable to criticism in the sexual adequacy area. You need to be with someone trustworthy where you can feel safe. But, one has to be selctive. Folks put the cart before the horse, venturing into the sexual intimacy area way before they have a chance to assess somone's personality and character. Once someone has hurt you like this, as with rape, abuse or infidelity, it takes a good long time to gather oneself and take risks again.
tami-chan Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I'm surprised you are being calm with me. .... go figure. pretty, confident, intelligent young woman with a promising career.....and afraid of sex How important is sex to you? I asked because some people value intimacy sans sex more than the act of sex itself. Is it sex you are afraid of? or is it intimacy?
Author busy_married_student Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 There are some people in my life that I am close to. I never really had any before, but i have found my worth as a human being validated quite a bit over the past year especially. i have plenty of faults, but there are those willing to put up with them. For me, sex really ought to be "making love". So I don't want to have sex with somebody unless I trust them and love (or at least care a lot) them. But, my husband, who i loved and trusted raped me. So now I am hesitant to trust a guy to care whether he is hurting me or not. Consentual sex can also be quite painful if the guy doesn't care for your pleasure.
tami-chan Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 There are some people in my life that I am close to. I never really had any before, but i have found my worth as a human being validated quite a bit over the past year especially. i have plenty of faults, but there are those willing to put up with them. The above is obviously good. We are social beings and we certainly need that validation of worth from other people, BUT, you must learn to believe it in your heart of hearts that you are a valuable human being even though sometimes people will try and cut you down. I am sorry about your experience the first time you came here and told your story. Many people are not interested in trying to help others heal from errors of judgment. They are however, interested in meting out "punishment"-as if you have not punished yourself hard enough. You need expert help-one that has dealt with rape and abuse. Hopefully, then you will learn to forgive yourself and forgive your husband. Stop punishing yourself anymore. That part of your life is over-time for you to be kind to yourself. I believe when you have accomplished forgiving yourself and the wrongs that your husband have done to you, you will look at life in a different perspective and perhaps learn to trust again--- Take care.
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