sabrina11 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I have been married for 10.5 years, and we have one son who is almost 6. When I met my husband I was desperate to get married and have a child. He is a good man, but there was really never any sexual chemistry to speak of. Now, 10 years have gone by, we haven't had sex in 4 years and I am starting to go crazy. I'm starting to look at other men in the hopes that someone will want to have sex with me. I have NO desire to have sex with my husband. Not only has it been so long, but like I said the chemistry was lacking from the beginning. We have been going to marriage counseling and I was on the track for telling him I wanted my own life and was moving out, but then at the last minute, I backed out and said I would "work" on it. I don't know if I did this out of fear of the life upset, or for my son's sake (or a combination) I really am not sure why I said I am willing to work it out, when my heart does not feel that way. Also, my home life is not horrible ( we get along, don't fight, see eye to eye) it's just that my partner is a friend, not a husband/lover. Do I stick it out and grin and bear it, or move on???? I really don't want to upset my son's life, but at the same time, how healthy is it to see his parents sleeping in separate rooms, and no physical contact between them except minimal. Has anyone been in a similar situation. I want to make the right decision.
delajoonal Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 oh sabrina... i really really can relate... i will tell you the that statistics show that 77% of married people in this country DO NOT have sex..meaning less than 1x a year...how awful is that:( but i get it too ... this is NOT fair to you or him...i am sure he just adores you and your son...so he is going to do whatever it takes to keep his family together...but in the end, you will start searching online or at the market, etc...and will eventually have an affair... and THAT would break your heart as much as H, cause it really sounds like you care alot for H too... BUT then again, it is hard to find a good man to love you and get along ( no fighting) and be a good provider too....so i think that is what is holding you back? BUT, i can say from experience...IT can come back, or even begin...as it did with me..i LOVED my dh so much..i just made it happen again..and it was better than in the beginning. it can be done, so if you really want to stay married to this good husband..then you have to search out ways to MAKE IT HAPPEN... i am not sure about what everyone else will say here? but i am speaking from my OWN experience.. long story short, because of illness' etc..my dh and i lost it for years... BUT i found IT again..and IT was amazing sex and was until the day we seperated...so all i think now, is all those years i wasted NOT having sex with my H, and now i can't..and now i want too..LOL i sure hope IT all works out for you..please keep posting;)
FragileSwan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 People are not dogs. People are able to make rational decisions, based on moral principles. Too often spouses adopt the minimum legal requirement as the ideal standard of conduct, as if government sets the standards for appropriate behavior. I hope you had a few extra hours to actually read this whole reply. The answer to your problem is common sense 101. Men are turned on by sexy women. Turn up the heat a little. Stop treating him like the husband you aren't attracted to. What guy would want to be close with the wife who doesn't want him. He would like it if you apologized, in a very profound way, for what you've done to hurt him. I recommend a wife pick a special time, and schedule it with her husband. Wear some cosmetics, some sexy clothing, jewelry, fragrance (but not too much), make her hair look thick shiny bouncy long silky curly (this is a genetic trigger in men to want sex, because hair like this belies fertility), paint her nails, and then, when you're alone, and you won't get interrupted, Kneel down in front of him, and make a confession. Confess whatever you can think of, especially being cold to him. He's aware you think there is no chemistry, and that hurts a man. Try shedding a few tears of contrition, and promise him you will change. Then wait for his response. He might resist, but that's natural, to see if you're sincere. Be persistent. Don't throw in the towel and give up. You're in this for the long haul. Tell him this, "The most sincere desire of my heart is to receive love and forgiveness from the father of my child”. Then stroke his body, tell him what a strong man he is, and that you tremble at his masculinity. Invite him into the bedroom where you sleep, but let him be the man. Use subtle feminine means to make him feel comfortable, and wanted. After you have him turned on, let him do his thing, but don't act like you're enjoying it too much. You want him to believe you're doing it just for him, because he is your husband. I guarantee he wants it, but he's afraid you'll snub him if he tries. After he sows his seed of forgiveness inside you, don't get up. Don't do or say anything. Let him be the man, but don't turn away from him either. Just smile, and look pretty for him. If he gives you a compliment, just smile, but don't speak. You can make little cooing sounds, but don't use words, unless he asks you a direct question. Men love wives who are felt and not heard. If you encourage what is naturally inside him, that beast of instinctual driven animal lust inside every man, his fear of having his manhood assaulted will yield to attraction to you. The other thing that might work is to get him to stop using pornography, if he's doing that. You didn't mention anything about a mistress. Some people have an investment in justifying their own decisions, right or wrong, by leading others into making the decisions they made, through the concept that: if situations have similar characteristics, one should lay down like a doormat, and allow the worst to happen. In a near divorce situation, the spouses have absolute power to avert catastrophe. If just one of them knows what to do, and it's usually a simple matter of human nature, the path to healing can begin. Now, I think your husband is a mild man. You'd like him to have more passion about everything. He's probably not even that fun to tease. That's because he lacks trust. Lack of trust for others is isolating. The feedback he gets from you will allow him to open up, and be a lover for you. He's afraid. What every woman truly wants is a man who knows what he wants, can get it, and who is willing to take a stand and claim what belongs to him, including you. But men get neutered by the divorce thing, because they think they have no power. Regardless of what they say, their wives can legally rebel against it. That would be a double neuter, and the only way he could get back his manhood would be to make a dirt poor bitter feminist divorcee out of you. So, men just cave in, and don't stake their claim to the wives who belong to them. It's just that simple. You can tell him, "I want a divorce, because you don't turn me on, because you don't put up any fuss when you're own wife says she's leaving you. "If you put your foot down once in a while, and told me what to do, and acted like a man, I wouldn't need to act up to see if you really love me. I can't decide what I want, because you won't show me I'm valuable to you, by putting up some resistance to me walking out. "Instead, you defer to me on everything. You don't need my permission to act like a man. If I wanted to make my own decisions about everything, I wouldn't need you for anything. I'm a woman, who needs a real man. "SO are you going to tell me I'm YOUR wife, and I'm not going anywhere, because no other man is ever going to have me besides you?" If he doesn't take that hint, within a short period of silence, he's a porno addict. Men who get what they need that way lack masculinity, because their seed doesn't produce any fruit of the womb. Another thing that really turns guys on is a FERTILE woman. His seeds of forgiveness sown in you could bring new life forth from your holy and chaste womb. Holy and chaste so far that is. Don't wait until it's too late, because chances are greatly in favor: if a woman loses her first husband, she will never have another one. A divorced woman in her thirties has a greater chance of being killed by terrorism than finding another husband. Men don't like women who have had some other guy inside of them. A deep desire of a man's heart is to have a woman that he himself taught both the pain of atonement, her first time, and the pleasure of creation subsequent to this. That man is drinking life giving water, from a spring of life, every time he makes love to the woman who truly belongs to him, and him alone. A deep desire of the woman's heart is for belonging to masculinity. Masculinity is The Image of God. God is The Source of All Truth. The woman seeks the man's masculinity because her heart desires to know the truth about herself. If she finds a man willing to plow and sow her virgin field, she is lovable. All insecurity comes from people unsure whether or not they are truly lovable. Belonging is a primary drive. Most people prefer to belong to a family, but they can also gain a sense of belonging by being part of another type of group. The problem is, masculine males don't want to talk to females, unless it's a female the guy can have sex with. Masculine men don't want to be friends with a woman, because women are not interesting to them, except for sex. So there are some trade offs. With the effeminate type, you get a man who will listen, who is sensitive, who will defer to you, but that leaves a woman wanting A MAN. It's like being married to another woman. It's weirdly attractive at first, because it looks like the guy really cares, but women don't really want that from a man. They want a guy whose going to try to get up their skirts, by lying, and manipulation, and promises in the dark, and throwing a fit, and threatening to leave the woman if she doesn't comply. The masculine man does everything a woman truly wants, because he behaves like a man. He's not sensitive, but he's not insecure. He doesn't listen, but he acts. He gets done what needs to get done, including keeping his wife safe from divorce lawyers. If a woman says she wants a divorce, A masculine man will tell her no way. Forget it. She's not leaving, and that's final. He doesn't want to hear another word about it. But a couple hours later, she's going to be pinned underneath him, unable to escape, while he grunts and sweats, and sows his accursed seed inside her. Since it wasn't her choice to have sex, she can enjoy the pleasure, because if she gets forced, it's not sin for her experience the pleasure. That's from thousands of years of evolution. Original sin IS The woman learning the man's pleasure. So, women everywhere feel guilty about having sexual pleasure, because the woman experiencing pleasure is the reason all mankind is mortal. Otherwise, humans would be immortal. The virgin who conceives, within the bonds of Sacramental Matrimony, knowing only the pain of atonement, and making her offering of her blood sacrifice of innocence, that her offspring might be blessed, fruit of her holy and chaste womb; but who never learns the pleasure inside the man's endowment From God, will give birth without pain, to an Immortal Man/God, of the Race of Jesus Christ, and The Eternal Blessed Virgin Mother of God, Mary. The Immortal Offspring of the virgin knowing only suffering, will have The Flawless DNA of God The Father, yielding for Themselves All Truth, Complete Understanding, and the derivative of these: Absolute Power over the physical reality; A Gift From Their Almighty Father, so They can enforce Absolute Judgment over the earth's surface dwellers. The virgin who knows only suffering conceives without stain. That's why God said to the woman, "You shall never assume the position of conquest, for yours is the position of surrender, supine, opened like a flower blossom, ready to be pierced, and filled with the man's invading army, and army by which you willingly consent to conceive. The man shall be in the position of conquest, and he shall mate the woman only when she is fertile, and then with a single marital act performed on her." SO now we know exactly what original sin is. But don't worry. With practicing Roman Catholic Sacraments, original sin gets undone, because receiving Holy Eucharist is the antithesis of the woman learning the man's pleasure. So, the woman confesses having pleasure on Saturday, in the Sacrament of Penance, and receives Holy Eucharist on Sunday, at Holy Catholic Mass, and she's a virgin again, ready to have her fertile plain plowed and sown.
FragileSwan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 People are not dogs. People are able to make rational decisions, based on moral principles. Too often spouses adopt the minimum legal requirement as the ideal standard of conduct, as if government sets the standards for appropriate behavior. I hope you had a few extra hours to actually read this whole reply. The answer to your problem is common sense 101. Men are turned on by sexy women. Turn up the heat a little. Stop treating him like the husband you aren't attracted to. What guy would want to be close with the wife who doesn't want him. He would like it if you apologized, in a very profound way, for what you've done to hurt him. I recommend a wife pick a special time, and schedule it with her husband. Wear some cosmetics, some sexy clothing, jewelry, fragrance (but not too much), make her hair look thick shiny bouncy long silky curly (this is a genetic trigger in men to want sex, because hair like this belies fertility), paint her nails, and then, when you're alone, and you won't get interrupted, Kneel down in front of him, and make a confession. Confess whatever you can think of, especially being cold to him. He's aware you think there is no chemistry, and that hurts a man. Try shedding a few tears of contrition, and promise him you will change. Then wait for his response. He might resist, but that's natural, to see if you're sincere. Be persistent. Don't throw in the towel and give up. You're in this for the long haul. Tell him this, "The most sincere desire of my heart is to receive love and forgiveness from the father of my child”. Then stroke his body, tell him what a strong man he is, and that you tremble at his masculinity. Invite him into the bedroom where you sleep, but let him be the man. Use subtle feminine means to make him feel comfortable, and wanted. After you have him turned on, let him do his thing, but don't act like you're enjoying it too much. You want him to believe you're doing it just for him, because he is your husband. I guarantee he wants it, but he's afraid you'll snub him if he tries. After he sows his seed of forgiveness inside you, don't get up. Don't do or say anything. Let him be the man, but don't turn away from him either. Just smile, and look pretty for him. If he gives you a compliment, just smile, but don't speak. You can make little cooing sounds, but don't use words, unless he asks you a direct question. Men love wives who are felt and not heard. If you encourage what is naturally inside him, that beast of instinctual driven animal lust inside every man, his fear of having his manhood assaulted will yield to attraction to you. The other thing that might work is to get him to stop using pornography, if he's doing that. You didn't mention anything about a mistress. Some people have an investment in justifying their own decisions, right or wrong, by leading others into making the decisions they made, through the concept that: if situations have similar characteristics, one should lay down like a doormat, and allow the worst to happen. In a near divorce situation, the spouses have absolute power to avert catastrophe. If just one of them knows what to do, and it's usually a simple matter of human nature, the path to healing can begin. Now, I think your husband is a mild man. You'd like him to have more passion about everything. He's probably not even that fun to tease. That's because he lacks trust. Lack of trust for others is isolating. The feedback he gets from you will allow him to open up, and be a lover for you. He's afraid. What every woman truly wants is a man who knows what he wants, can get it, and who is willing to take a stand and claim what belongs to him, including you. But men get neutered by the divorce thing, because they think they have no power. Regardless of what they say, their wives can legally rebel against it. That would be a double neuter, and the only way he could get back his manhood would be to make a dirt poor bitter feminist divorcee out of you. So, men just cave in, and don't stake their claim to the wives who belong to them. It's just that simple. You can tell him, "I want a divorce, because you don't turn me on, because you don't put up any fuss when you're own wife says she's leaving you. "If you put your foot down once in a while, and told me what to do, and acted like a man, I wouldn't need to act up to see if you really love me. I can't decide what I want, because you won't show me I'm valuable to you, by putting up some resistance to me walking out. "Instead, you defer to me on everything. You don't need my permission to act like a man. If I wanted to make my own decisions about everything, I wouldn't need you for anything. I'm a woman, who needs a real man. "SO are you going to tell me I'm YOUR wife, and I'm not going anywhere, because no other man is ever going to have me besides you?" If he doesn't take that hint, within a short period of silence, he's a porno addict. Men who get what they need that way lack masculinity, because their seed doesn't produce any fruit of the womb. Another thing that really turns guys on is a FERTILE woman. His seeds of forgiveness sown in you could bring new life forth from your holy and chaste womb. Holy and chaste so far that is. Don't wait until it's too late, because chances are greatly in favor: if a woman loses her first husband, she will never have another one. A divorced woman in her thirties has a greater chance of being killed by terrorism than finding another husband. Men don't like women who have had some other guy inside of them. A deep desire of a man's heart is to have a woman that he himself taught both the pain of atonement, her first time, and the pleasure of creation subsequent to this. That man is drinking life giving water, from a spring of life, every time he makes love to the woman who truly belongs to him, and him alone. A deep desire of the woman's heart is for belonging to masculinity. Masculinity is The Image of God. God is The Source of All Truth. The woman seeks the man's masculinity because her heart desires to know the truth about herself. If she finds a man willing to plow and sow her virgin field, she is lovable. All insecurity comes from people unsure whether or not they are truly lovable. Belonging is a primary drive. Most people prefer to belong to a family, but they can also gain a sense of belonging by being part of another type of group. The problem is, masculine males don't want to talk to females, unless it's a female the guy can have sex with. Masculine men don't want to be friends with a woman, because women are not interesting to them, except for sex. So there are some trade offs. With the effeminate type, you get a man who will listen, who is sensitive, who will defer to you, but that leaves a woman wanting A MAN. It's like being married to another woman. It's weirdly attractive at first, because it looks like the guy really cares, but women don't really want that from a man. They want a guy whose going to try to get up their skirts, by lying, and manipulation, and promises in the dark, and throwing a fit, and threatening to leave the woman if she doesn't comply. The masculine man does everything a woman truly wants, because he behaves like a man. He's not sensitive, but he's not insecure. He doesn't listen, but he acts. He gets done what needs to get done, including keeping his wife safe from divorce lawyers. If a woman says she wants a divorce, A masculine man will tell her no way. Forget it. She's not leaving, and that's final. He doesn't want to hear another word about it. But a couple hours later, she's going to be pinned underneath him, unable to escape, while he grunts and sweats, and sows his accursed seed inside her. Since it wasn't her choice to have sex, she can enjoy the pleasure, because if she gets forced, it's not sin for her experience the pleasure. That's from thousands of years of evolution. Original sin IS The woman learning the man's pleasure. So, women everywhere feel guilty about having sexual pleasure, because the woman experiencing pleasure is the reason all mankind is mortal. Otherwise, humans would be immortal. The virgin who conceives, within the bonds of Sacramental Matrimony, knowing only the pain of atonement, and making her offering of her blood sacrifice of innocence, that her offspring might be blessed, fruit of her holy and chaste womb; but who never learns the pleasure inside the man's endowment From God, will give birth without pain, to an Immortal Man/God, of the Race of Jesus Christ, and The Eternal Blessed Virgin Mother of God, Mary. The Immortal Offspring of the virgin knowing only suffering, will have The Flawless DNA of God The Father, yielding for Themselves All Truth, Complete Understanding, and the derivative of these: Absolute Power over the physical reality; A Gift From Their Almighty Father, so They can enforce Absolute Judgment over the earth's surface dwellers. The virgin who knows only suffering conceives without stain. That's why God said to the woman, "You shall never assume the position of conquest, for yours is the position of surrender, supine, opened like a flower blossom, ready to be pierced, and filled with the man's invading army, and army by which you willingly consent to conceive. The man shall be in the position of conquest, and he shall mate the woman only when she is fertile, and then with a single marital act performed on her." SO now we know exactly what original sin is. But don't worry. With practicing Roman Catholic Sacraments, original sin gets undone, because receiving Holy Eucharist is the antithesis of the woman learning the man's pleasure. So, the woman confesses having pleasure on Saturday, in the Sacrament of Penance, and receives Holy Eucharist on Sunday, at Holy Catholic Mass, and she's a virgin again, ready to have her fertile plain plowed and sown.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 You havent had sex at all with your husband in 4 years??? hasnt he initiated? have you? Your marriage is DOA, but it doesnt have to be, if y'all work at it. Y'all can make it better. but only if y'all both go into it head first. ' Dont cheat because you wont make things better. You only make them worse. And the grass is not always greener.
Cinnamon777 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 If you said you will work on it out of guilt, then you are not likely to actually work on it. If you have a doubt about moving on, give it all you've got to make it work. If you can't make yourself feel vulnerable and open to him, you should explore that in your counseling to see what it holding you back from wanting your husband. I totally understand the lack of chemistry... I've experienced this as well. I tried everything to stir things up and for me it's just not there. You need to do something that make you feel beautiful and that will make you more confident and therefore more attractive for your husband. If it's not there... he's not receptive, or you just can't do it... well... either hang in there for the friendship and maybe talk to your husband about an open marriage, or maybe it is time to consider moving on. How does your husband feel about all of this? Does he want to stir things up and bring some passion into your marriage?
Author sabrina11 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 I am going to see a counselor next week by myself, so hopefully I can figure some things out...Nothing like feeling like I am in limbo every day of my life. Thanks for your suggestions.
delajoonal Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 good luck sabrina11...really, i hope everything works out for you both. you sound like you truly care for your H, but are just having a rough time of it right now..confused, etc.? i wish you both the best..keep us posted, K...someone is always here to chat...LS is full of amazing people:)
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 There are two kinds of men women want in their lives? Men they have want to have sex with and are attractive and husbands. They're not necessarily one and the same, although if the dumb@ss is smart enough and willing to learn he can be both. Fragile Swan made some good points ~ some of which I both agree and disagree with. I don't believe either spouse need to become a supplicating wimp in order to be married or a couple. And while I agree that a man needs to be a man, I do not agree that I want some woman that's manipulative as she describes. I do not want a sperm depository for a wife! A lot of the problem is while us guys are out playing football, basketball, sprors, talking about and working on cars, teenage girls are getting together talking about boys, relationships, etc. Relationships are what girls/women do. Most men are emotionally about ten years behind women of the same age. The best relationship I ever had was with my last GF who was nine years younger than I, and we hit on five and three-quarters cylinders out of six. Our only problem was that she was from one state thirteen hours away, and I needed to get back to where my children were. Since sex is one of the topics to this thread ~ I'll comment on it. Most men from a women's point of view are really bad at it ~ basically in too much of a hurry and rush. Most men can "wham, bam, Thank you Ma'am" in no time at all. This is mostly evolutional. After all its the males role is to spread his seed and to pass on his DNA to as many as possible. From that perspective whether the female enjoys it or not is ill relevant. (Sorry ladies ~ strictly speaking about the evolution of mamamals) The thing a lot of men don't get is that ~ its also a woman's nature to gather those same said seeds that they're out to spread. Having read the book, "How To Satisfy A Woman Everytime, and have her beg for more,................" and David DeAngelo's "Double Your Dating" I came across the concept of building "anticipation" ~ almost like dancing ~ one step forward, two steps back. And in the course of doing so, you need to do that over and over. Much like doing the "Two-Step" That is to say, slow the **** down, advance, retreat, advance again. (Do not confuse building anticipation with teasing) Women are emotional beings, and they need to connect on an emotional level. They need to be excited on four of the five senses, while men only need one! VISUAL! To the OP, your choice is to either divorce your DH or educate him. Trouble is? If you divorce him, your going to have to go out and find yourself another @sshat and educate him? WTH. Men are like the Phillsbury Doughboy! You've got to kneed, mold, and fold them! First you've got to get them to dump the porn, Playboy fantasies, and then you've got to get them to dump all the crap their mother's taught them about being a good husband, and then get them to dump all the Crap that society and cultural has taught them as to what it means to be a good husband. When a woman's bitching to me? I listen ~ in part ~ because she's telling me what she needs from me and how she needs me to make her feel! But I call her on BS, because I know she's testing me to see if I'm a real man, and man enough for her! Which is the one sense woman are least turned on by.
sotired Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Gunny that is some good advice! I know I sometimes bitch at my man in hopes he'll 'put me in my place' Good luck at the counselor sabrina!
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Gunny that is some good advice! I know I sometimes bitch at my man in hopes he'll 'put me in my place' Good luck at the counselor sabrina! ...you shouldnt test a man like that too much... it becomes tiresome and nagging!
Author sabrina11 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 My situation has more to do with the actual "drive" to have sex. DH doesn't seem to have much of it. He has low testosterone which is tricky to regulate by giving injections. We have gone done that road and instead of increasing his sex drive, it seems to make him ANGRY. Anyways, there is also the added insult of anti-depressants. So, it is not as simple as creating mood lighting and mental readiness for sex. We have to actually get to that point first which hasn't happened. Now it has been so long, that the length of time has created a certain awkwardness. That could probably be overcome with the MC, but at this point it seems like alot of effort for sex that isn't going to be and hasn't ever been fulfilling.
Author sabrina11 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Did I also mention that I have no desire to have sex with him?
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 My situation has more to do with the actual "drive" to have sex. DH doesn't seem to have much of it. He has low testosterone which is tricky to regulate by giving injections. We have gone done that road and instead of increasing his sex drive, it seems to make him ANGRY. Anyways, there is also the added insult of anti-depressants. So, it is not as simple as creating mood lighting and mental readiness for sex. We have to actually get to that point first which hasn't happened. Now it has been so long, that the length of time has created a certain awkwardness. That could probably be overcome with the MC, but at this point it seems like alot of effort for sex that isn't going to be and hasn't ever been fulfilling. He's angry because he's probably feeling less adequate as a man that cant handle business. He probably knows he cannot be sexually aggressive because of his low drive and it irks him, that you are not happy. Deep down inside he wants to please you but is stubborn about it. Do whatever it takes, if he needs viagra shots, then do it. If you can be having sex what would be your frequency of it? Are you attractive, in shape?
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