LeighG Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Hello all. I met a wonderful lady who was approx 6 mths into her seperation for an emotionally abusing husband. We got on wonderfully but something was nagging her. Anyway, yesterday she broke it off again (2nd time in a mth). She has been struggling with the need to be alone, something she hasn't really done since her seperation. Now, before anyone jumps to the conclusion that "I need to be alone" is code for "I don't want you period", be aware that she has booked in for counselling, and last week suggested that we attend together. I have seen this situation with full context, so please bare with me. The question is...how much time after the breakdown of a marrige does one need? Oh, I'm quite aware that it's a sliding scale. She has been married twice. First time to a closet gay who wouldn't touch her from their wedding day forwar, and then to the abusive guy whom she openly admits was a mistake. There was only approx 6 mths between them. She is struggling, and I wholely believe she is sincere. She needs time....question is, how much? Timing seems to be everything.
Author LeighG Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 No-ones been through a divorce and needed time..?
mark982 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 it all depends on the person,some require yrs. some couple months.
Author LeighG Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks Mark. That is my thinking. I guess I'll hang around for awhile, a couple of mths, drop her a line to se how counselling is progressing then go from there. I'm pretty sure I'll get a sense of "us" from any reply.
Joker77 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Be very cautious with this. I dated a girl who was four months removed from her divorce being finalized. We lasted almost six months. There were small signs that I would notice but I didn't think they were a big deal. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I realized I was dead in the water.
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 It really depends on her. She's going to counseling so that must mean she is looking to improve herself. And maybe you are partly responisble for her wanting to improve herself. Maybe she sees something in you that makes her want it to work this time? Give her all the time that she needs. It can be really freaky when someone treats you nicely after being treated badly for so long. It can totally play on your head. She's probably questioning her judgment too. Just keep being nice to her and respect her wishes. She will appreciate that.
Admiral Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Remember, treat her like any other woman. You don't owe her anything, these are her problems.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Well, every woman is different. I was divorced about 2 years ago, seprated for almost 3. My ex husband was abusive on a level, he was drinking a lot and cheating on me for some background. It took me a year to be able to go out on a date or even be able to look at another guy. We have children together, Im not sure if your girl has kids or if that matters? The first guy I dated was absolutely wonderful, I got really scared and ended it with him because I was just afraid. I needed time alone, space to find myself after being through soo much hell, it had nothing to do with him. I could only help myself, I would never rely on a guy or a friend to fix the issues I have. I dont want to ramble, but my advice to you is give her SPACE. Let her do the contacting and be patient, if this is something you are willing to do. She may have strong feelings for you, but something is telling her she needs to be alone and that is quite normal, she is scared and has been through a lot. Being patient with her and letting her come to you will make her trust you and be at ease with being in a relationship with you, whether its a friendship or more. If you are willing to do this, some guys are not, thats your choice. Stop asking yourself how much time, she doesn't know this, things need to happen naturally. I think it is great she is going to counseling, she needs to continue making herself strong and independent for the time being. I think she needs to go alone, Im not sure why she would want you to come along. She needs to deal with these problems on her own and know she can be alone and be ok. It's kind of odd she is jumping into marriages with only 6 months in between. Everyone is different though...I hope this helps you in some kind of way!
Juristhea Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Hello all. I met a wonderful lady who was approx 6 mths into her seperation for an emotionally abusing husband. We got on wonderfully but something was nagging her. Anyway, yesterday she broke it off again (2nd time in a mth). She has been struggling with the need to be alone, something she hasn't really done since her seperation. Now, before anyone jumps to the conclusion that "I need to be alone" is code for "I don't want you period", be aware that she has booked in for counselling, and last week suggested that we attend together. I have seen this situation with full context, so please bare with me. The question is...how much time after the breakdown of a marrige does one need? Oh, I'm quite aware that it's a sliding scale. She has been married twice. First time to a closet gay who wouldn't touch her from their wedding day forwar, and then to the abusive guy whom she openly admits was a mistake. There was only approx 6 mths between them. She is struggling, and I wholely believe she is sincere. She needs time....question is, how much? Timing seems to be everything. She's just traumatized by her previous relationship that if she ever allows herself to be open again to another man, she will end up hurt again... Don't be the shoulder to cry on and as my fiance would always say, "if you keep on running to a girl when she has problems, sooner or later the girl WILL ASSOCIATE YOU WITH the problem" Just give her ample time to recover. Recovery to a broken heart and marriage takes a whole lot of time but if she sees that you're really patient with her, then it would make her see you in a whole new light.
Author LeighG Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Thanks guys. I spoke to her yesterday, I called. We spoke for 3 hrs. She was feeling pretty crappy when I frist called, but by the end of it she was laughing, joking and making small sexual inuendo. Again, it's hard to be called fantastic on one hand, and have to be here seeking opinions on the other. Space, space, space.
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