SGB8098 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Karma: 0 My x and I have been together for a little over 2 years. I'm 28 he's 31. he does pot , I don't.Long story short. I broke up with him becuase i felt like i was hanging on like ajacket to a coat hanger waiting for something different to the relationship to happen. Then he finally admitted he messed up and he wanted to work on things. At the time of when he told me that I was in business law doing great and i sid let me finish what I'm doing and I do want to work on th erelationship . So happy he did too. So to be honest we have not gotten back together but we had talked everyday and I still do love him I genuinely do. Within the past month my moms cancer has returned, my 2 aunts had to be rushed to the hospital, and my grandmother too. With everything that had happend I just automatically missed him and on a sat I drove to his house to surprise him to tak ehim to breakfast, Well, it did not turn out well. Sinc ehe has been without a job he has been drinking more and when i drove up surprisingly that startled him and he told me I just was so hurt cause he was the first person i wanted to get compassion from. Then, I sent an appology text to him and calls and he was busy working for his frends that he said he was too buusy to o hang so I sent him an I miss you and want to reconcile card. All he said was is that he ppreciates it. I went to his house this past weekend and he grilled dinner and we hung out and got reaquainted. Should i confront him and say are we on the same page? I am nervous about seemin gtoo pushy I don't want to come that way but at the same time I don't want to just hang around. I know he is frustrated no job, low finances. What may I do to let him know i hope we both want to reconcile and rebuild our relationship?
scootncash Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Getting back together with an ex can be a tricky situation. People are so quick to jump back in because of a lot a factors such as afraid to be alone, not wanting to face their fears, and for some even the comfort of a bad situation is better than being alone. Those are just a few. If you dont take the time to evaluate what really went wrong, which includes taking a good look at yourself as well, then you end up rushing back too soon and it wont work because the same problems are there and they havent been resolved. In the book "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs PHD and Masa Goetz PHD you can find a lot of answers and it was recommended by my therapist. The thing is even if you do figure out what when wrong, because seperation is just the sympton, its not the problem, and your partner doesnt work on the changes necessary for them then you've lost the battle with reuniting. The book talks about key strategies of a successful breakup and reunion. I wont go into to detail but I'll list them for you. 1. Take care of yourself 2. Get to know yourself-find out who you are and what you REALLY want 3. Work on strenthening your own identity 4. If you and your partner still speak, agree on ground rules that will govern your actions during your time apart. 5. Think through and create a strategy for recreating a healthy and loving relationship 6. Prepare for those times when you seem to be unable to go forward. 7. Build a support network of people who root for you and your well-being 8. Communication and trust are the keys to intimacy. 9. Commit to resolving old habits and destructive behaviors that damage your relationship, and learn what is needed to make love flourish. 10. Think of reconciliation as the start of a new relationship. Be realistic. 11. Commit to sustaining you new relationship. The thing is that mostly everyone who has had a breakup wishes at one point that their partner would come back and everything be wonderful again, but that isnt reality. The relationship can never go back to what it was, obviously there was something wrong or you wouldnt have broken up. Look at it as a time to heal and work on you and really think about what you want from a good relationship not just the one you had. Look at what went wrong in the relationship which means really looking at what you did wrong just as much as you look at your partner. The problem with most people is they said the other partner hurt, cheated, lied, hurled insults, dumped..etc. But what they dont see is that something brought them to that point and you have to look at what you brought to the relationship before you place the blame on someone else. Im not saying every breakup is both parties faults because thats not always the case. What I am saying is 90 % of the time both parties contributed to the problem and when the partner broke up with them it created a symptom of the problem. Its hard to be in that position, I've been there, I got a good therapist and really worked on me. My whole entire character changed and my actions changed and I improved things within myself and now I have a much better outlook on what I want from a relationship and the proper boundries and nurturing to get there! Good luck, take care, hope this helps! Also check out Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud. It refers to marriage relationships but my therapist suggested it due to the fact that it also applies to couples who arent married. They also have a book called Boundries In Dating, another eye opener that I highly recommend.
Juristhea Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Karma: 0 My x and I have been together for a little over 2 years. I'm 28 he's 31. he does pot , I don't.Long story short. I broke up with him becuase i felt like i was hanging on like ajacket to a coat hanger waiting for something different to the relationship to happen. Then he finally admitted he messed up and he wanted to work on things. At the time of when he told me that I was in business law doing great and i sid let me finish what I'm doing and I do want to work on th erelationship . So happy he did too. So to be honest we have not gotten back together but we had talked everyday and I still do love him I genuinely do. Within the past month my moms cancer has returned, my 2 aunts had to be rushed to the hospital, and my grandmother too. With everything that had happend I just automatically missed him and on a sat I drove to his house to surprise him to tak ehim to breakfast, Well, it did not turn out well. Sinc ehe has been without a job he has been drinking more and when i drove up surprisingly that startled him and he told me I just was so hurt cause he was the first person i wanted to get compassion from. Then, I sent an appology text to him and calls and he was busy working for his frends that he said he was too buusy to o hang so I sent him an I miss you and want to reconcile card. All he said was is that he ppreciates it. I went to his house this past weekend and he grilled dinner and we hung out and got reaquainted. Should i confront him and say are we on the same page? I am nervous about seemin gtoo pushy I don't want to come that way but at the same time I don't want to just hang around. I know he is frustrated no job, low finances. What may I do to let him know i hope we both want to reconcile and rebuild our relationship? I really can't say what you should do but I found a couple of articles that may be able to help you with your problem: http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-I-Get-My-Ex-Back-After-a-Bad-Break-Up?&id=2179386 http://ezinearticles.com/?I-Want-to-Get-Back-With-My-Ex---Things-to-Do-Before-Wanting-to-Get-Them-Back&id=2174939
Elpida Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Hello, I like the strategy but what if your ex (12 years relationship) is in complete NC and lives in another country? With a new girlfriend/ possibly rebound? How to communicate? How to rebuild trust? Thank you
scootncash Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Hi Elpida, Here's the thing about NC. Its meant to be NC. All the calling, texting, mailing, seeing isnt going to change how they feel if they havent really evaluated themselves or the relationship. Its designed not for "getting your ex back", its designed to help you become a better person. The thing is, even if you do all these things and you work on yourself, the ex partner may not change or may not be willing to change. If that happens you probably wont get back together anyway. But the magic in that is that you've already won regardless to whether you get back or not. You've done something most people cant do or even have an idea about doing and you create a much happier place to be in. If you ex doesnt see it then yes, the cliche applies "its their loss." But one thing to know if they dont see it or they dont make the necessary changes to become a better person then they subject themselves to a life of dysfunctional relationships. You have to question is that what you really want? A lot of people say yes because they love the ex, but do they really? Or do they love the idea of the ex? I would venture out there on a limb and say 90% of the time its the latter. Rebound relationships, man o man! My ex of 8 years left me for a younger girl, before we were even split apart and of course he told her we had. Needless to say after bouncing back and forth between the two of us for about a year, I was a wreck. I got therapy and I got better. He is still with her today, 3 years later and the really sad part is he still contacts me, he still ask me to come meet him, and he really loves my daughter and sponsors her, the list goes on, but sad that she has believed him all along and only recently found out he still contacts me. She is just as dysfunctional as him because she doesnt realize its rebound. There isnt a time limit on rebounding and some people even marry their rebound. My point is a lot of people believe the best thing to do is to just jump right back into someone else or someone else's bed, either way its not healthy and in the majority of the cases, it doesnt work. Why? Because they havent addressed any of their behaviors, beliefs, actions, and they havent healed and processed the previous relationship. So after the newness wears off reality sets in and guess what? Now its even worse because its the same old person with the same old issues with the same previous unhealed pain and hurts with the previous relationship but now its just been doubled the amount because of the rebound relationship. Thats why its not healthy and thats why rebounds dont work. For those few who do, eventually even after marriage those problems that havent been delt with will resurface. I gurantee it. In case your wondering how or why I would speak to my ex, its simple. I became a much better person. I learned to enforce the boundries of my values, in other words I back up what I will and will not allow. I keep it on a friendly level because it is truly wonderful to be able to look at this man now after all the hurt, pain, betrayl, and good/bad memories that I can be a friend and it doesnt hurt any longer. In fact sometimes I think he calls just so he can talk and work things out of his system that bother him. I dont allow him to discuss the girlfriend because that is his problem and his bed to lie in but in general we are much better friends than we ever were. He still hasnt addressed all of his issues and thats obvious by the simple fact he still sees her but he contacts me. That tells me right there he still cant be honest with her or honest all the time about his feelings. Of course we still have mutual friends who think they need to let me know whats been going on with him and her but I just shrug it off and tell them i really dont want to discuss them. Its still sad though that she wont face that her relationship with him is only going to be what it always has been. I really feel sorry for her. Keep in mind that we are are different individuals and not everyone will jump at the chance to learn how to handle relationships in a mature responsible loving nature. Society teaches us otherwise. Look everywhere you go and its all about me me me me. When people realize that when you give you get back all the good love you can dream of. When people stop putting up walls, lying, cheating, living their life in a selfish manner, then that love they so secretly desire will enter their lives. Im just glad I realized it and Im a much happier person for it. If your in NC then stay in NC and work on you. You cant build trust till the other partner wants to as well. NC should be respected as much as possible. If they do C you and they do begin to enter some type of communication then you can work on just being friends first, trust building for a relationship of love doesnt come till much later and only if you two reunite. Trust can be rebuilt as friends and only then if you know the relationship is healthy in a friend state otherwise I wouldnt try to rebuild a relationship of love until it was rock solid as friends. I hope that this helps with your questions. Scootncash
Elpida Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Thank you very much for your advice. I will try. But I hurt him the most because I was very selfish, overconfident in his love and wanted to have everything. He got angry, jumped into rebound straight away and as our mutual friends told me he is "trying to eradicate feelings and thoughts of the past". He is very stubborn and he believes what is doing is for the best. How to change his mind? He knows I am in great pain but still NC. What I am afraid is that if I follow NC from my side too, he will move his past – me, us – to the very back of his heart and then I will not be able to reach it… We had 12 years of love and friendship. I wonder how long time it will take him to forget me and his past…. Time heals, right? Time is working against me here as this is me who made a mistake and wants him back. 3 months passed, I was thinking a lot and I changed, I understood my mistakes, I know what I want in our relationship. How to show, prove him I changed? How to persuade him to give me last chance? How to persuade him to start a "new relationship" based on our past but in a new dimention? Should I wait till he is single again (if)and try to approach him? But how if he is in full NC? If I try and contact him from time to time and “remind of me”, will it have any use or just anger him more? I am afraid that he will contact me only when he feels "he is not in danger of coming back to me", when he is completely over me and I do not want that, I really want him back, I love him... Thank you…
scootncash Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 The most important thing you have to remember and apply is that you cannot tell someone you've changed, you cannot convince, plead, beg, persuade anything to him about how you changed, what you learned, etc. That only pushes a person away when they are in the frame of mind with nc and new relationship with someone else. Time will tell unfortunately. But I can promise you this...after 12 years his love hasnt just turned off like a water faucet. The feelings he had with you are still there and scattered right now. But regardless, that doesnt change his mind right now. He has got a lot of sorting to do. He has a lot of thinking to do. And he needs to do it without you. If you start contacting him and trying to persuade him of anything it will just reaffirm in his mind that he is doing the right thing. The problem with loving persuation is that it makes you look weak and clingy. That is the last thing he needs especially if he is with someone new. You need to be strong and assert yourself in this world. You need to prove to yourself, not him that you are worthy and deserving of a good relationship. That means even if its without him. First and foremost you need to quit putting him ahead of you. You need to stop making him the priority and make YOU the priority. You will drive yourself crazy with thoughts of time is against you, he will forget you with NC., or he'll contact you when he thinks it's safe. Do you really want to know what will make him contact you? When he sees your happy, when he sees you can stand on your own, when he sees your not clingy and needy, when he sees you living life happily. Those are the very attributes that attract him. Those that show weakness, instability, begging, missing, contacting during NC, all of those are the ones that keep him away. Understand though, if he is not at a healed place himself and he doesnt evaluate the relationship, if he doesnt work thru it, especially with a new relationship as well, he may not contact you. But the thing is he may. Its just one of the chances we take in hoping someone has applied their life lessons. There are no guarantees that any relationship will last including marriage. The thing that helps a realtionship endure, is being forgiving, trusting, honest, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, teamwork, effective healthy communication. Honestly, right now I dont think he is in a good position to reunite. Im not trying to be mean but I am trying to help you see from an objective point not an emotional one. He has a lot of serious problems right now and he is having a hard time handling whats happening in his life in a rather immature way. I personally would take a hard look at what he is doing not what he is saying and ask yourself if its healthy? You cant be his savior so dont think this is your fault because you hurt him. But currently his actions show he isnt healthy for a relationship. He needs to work on him. And you need to think about his actions. Dont put the I love him factor into play. Push that one aside and look at it objectively. Here is a thought, say you two were back together and a small issue comes up about him loosing a job and you guys are short on money for bills so what does he do, start drinking. That my friend will bring on a lifetime of misery for you and the relationship. You yourself said he was drinking and doing pot, then he turns it around on you and says: Well, it did not turn out well. Sinc ehe has been without a job he has been drinking more and when i drove up surprisingly that startled him and he told me I just was so hurt cause he was the first person i wanted to get compassion from. So he trys to turn it around on you by saying that. Thats sad that he cant even face his own demons so he will throw them on you. This man needs time to work on himself and you need time to. Dont worry so much about him. I know its hard I've been there, I know exactly what your going through. But you have to try and you have to give it a chance. I know these are things you dont really want to hear but its what you need to hear. I think you have a lot on your shoulders right now. If he does call keep it friendly and whatever you do, do not talk about the relationship, let him wonder, let him come to you. If you start getting closer still keep it friends until you SEE not HEAR changes coming from him and then you can begin to discuss starting a new relationship. I wish the best for you and I will say a prayer for you. You can get through this! Scootncash
eclipseIDE Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 The most important thing you have to remember and apply is that you cannot tell someone you've changed, you cannot convince, plead, beg, persuade anything to him about how you changed, what you learned, etc. That only pushes a person away when they are in the frame of mind with nc and new relationship with someone else. Time will tell unfortunately. But I can promise you this...after 12 years his love hasnt just turned off like a water faucet. The feelings he had with you are still there and scattered right now. But regardless, that doesnt change his mind right now. He has got a lot of sorting to do. He has a lot of thinking to do. And he needs to do it without you. If you start contacting him and trying to persuade him of anything it will just reaffirm in his mind that he is doing the right thing. The problem with loving persuation is that it makes you look weak and clingy. That is the last thing he needs especially if he is with someone new. You need to be strong and assert yourself in this world. You need to prove to yourself, not him that you are worthy and deserving of a good relationship. That means even if its without him. First and foremost you need to quit putting him ahead of you. You need to stop making him the priority and make YOU the priority. You will drive yourself crazy with thoughts of time is against you, he will forget you with NC., or he'll contact you when he thinks it's safe. Do you really want to know what will make him contact you? When he sees your happy, when he sees you can stand on your own, when he sees your not clingy and needy, when he sees you living life happily. Those are the very attributes that attract him. Those that show weakness, instability, begging, missing, contacting during NC, all of those are the ones that keep him away. Understand though, if he is not at a healed place himself and he doesnt evaluate the relationship, if he doesnt work thru it, especially with a new relationship as well, he may not contact you. But the thing is he may. Its just one of the chances we take in hoping someone has applied their life lessons. There are no guarantees that any relationship will last including marriage. The thing that helps a realtionship endure, is being forgiving, trusting, honest, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, teamwork, effective healthy communication. Honestly, right now I dont think he is in a good position to reunite. Im not trying to be mean but I am trying to help you see from an objective point not an emotional one. He has a lot of serious problems right now and he is having a hard time handling whats happening in his life in a rather immature way. I personally would take a hard look at what he is doing not what he is saying and ask yourself if its healthy? You cant be his savior so dont think this is your fault because you hurt him. But currently his actions show he isnt healthy for a relationship. He needs to work on him. And you need to think about his actions. Dont put the I love him factor into play. Push that one aside and look at it objectively. Here is a thought, say you two were back together and a small issue comes up about him loosing a job and you guys are short on money for bills so what does he do, start drinking. That my friend will bring on a lifetime of misery for you and the relationship. You yourself said he was drinking and doing pot, then he turns it around on you and says: Well, it did not turn out well. Sinc ehe has been without a job he has been drinking more and when i drove up surprisingly that startled him and he told me I just was so hurt cause he was the first person i wanted to get compassion from. So he trys to turn it around on you by saying that. Thats sad that he cant even face his own demons so he will throw them on you. This man needs time to work on himself and you need time to. Dont worry so much about him. I know its hard I've been there, I know exactly what your going through. But you have to try and you have to give it a chance. I know these are things you dont really want to hear but its what you need to hear. I think you have a lot on your shoulders right now. If he does call keep it friendly and whatever you do, do not talk about the relationship, let him wonder, let him come to you. If you start getting closer still keep it friends until you SEE not HEAR changes coming from him and then you can begin to discuss starting a new relationship. I wish the best for you and I will say a prayer for you. You can get through this! Scootncash Wow Scootncash, not to highjack the thread but you have a really good head on your shoulders and this is really good advice. I did this after my ex dumped me and it worked. She went from one relationship to another and is now feeling the effects of doing this(she just got dumped)
Elpida Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Thank you very much...Your advice has so much sense though so hard, so against my emotions, to follow. As this relationship and oh so painful and unexpected break-up are my first, I have to say I never really imagined how difficult and complicated this can be... I wish I read some of the posts before I started to "play" with our trust and emotions. Ok, no pleading/begging - I hope it is not too late for me yet as it is exactly what I've done since we broke up. I am stopping this right now. I must really start thinking about myself and my health first as you are right, I am driving myself crazy with thoughts what, if, how can I get to him, and being so very very jealous... I know this is not the first priority of doing so - first I must do it for myself - but a question please - how my ex will know I am happy and confident? He lives 3000 miles away, and none of his friends, but one (real friend to me one), are "allowed" to mention me? Will he know this when I stop to try to contact him all the time? Ok, if any contact from him, I should not mention relationship or love until he is ready. Hopefully this will happen when he still loves me. So no talk of giving me closure either, right? Or about short meeting to "let me go"? I just have to be strong and try to "take time out" to take care of myself and allow him to calm down and heal. If this is my ony chance for getting back together I will do all I can to follow it however hard it is for me. I do not have anything to loose now... Thank you so much Scootncash!
scootncash Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Elpida, you are very welcome. You will make it through this I promise! I know its hard and there will be dark days ahead, but know that there will be bright ones as well. Time does heal. No matter what the outcome between you and him, you will come out of this a much better person. You will find happiness again whether its with him or someone else. More importantly you will find that you and only you can make your own happiness. I think my friend you will really be surprised at what a blessing this really is. So many pass chances like this because they cant step out of that comfort zone. Its keeps you locked in a relationship whether its good or dysfunctional. Its a chance to grow and to learn and love life. Step out into the darkness away from that comfort zone. Life has so much joy and wonder and love to give you. Its only when we open our hearts can we love the way we designed to. Let go of your fear. FEAR is nothing but FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. Dont be afraid to cry or to get angry or to be sad. But dont stay there too long. Take it an eyelash at a time. Handle it in small amounts. Girl, get out there and see what the universe has to offer you. You will laugh again, you will smile again, and you will love again with a better love than you could imagine. If you find yourself in a bad moment or you have a question, I'll be glad to help in anyway I can. eclipseIDE, thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness. Trust me it took a long time and a lot of hard work on myself to get where I am today. When my b/f of 8 years cheated and left me for a younger model I was devistated and I stayed in that for a year longer with him bouncing back and forth between the both of us. Lying to her, lying to me, but worse lying to hiself. He is still with her after 3 years but it will never be what she wants from him. He still keeps in touch with me and we occassionally see each other but i keep it strictly plutonic. Im healthier and able to handle it with grace. I feel for her though, she has a tough road ahead with the pressure she puts on him to get married. Of course he doesnt want to and suddenly that greener pasture really wasnt what he thought it was. I summed it up for him by telling him you know the funny thing about those greener pastures is they look more inviting, they look lusher, deeper, greener, and more exciting but in the end its just the sun playing camera tricks. He didnt say anything for a moment but the look said it all and then after a few moments of silence he said, yea your right it was camera tricks, I was stupid wasnt I. I told him I felt sorry for him because it was obvious he didnt care for this girl the way he lended himself to her to believe. I also saw at that moment he was still just as dysfunctional as ever he couldnt let go of me but he was still hanging around with her. Im sure your ex is getting a taste of that right now. I bet you look at her in a different view than what you did while in the relationship. Its sad for her but even more so if she doesnt learn from what she's done. Especially for you. I guess for them its just as easy and nonchalant to hurt us or themselves by jumping into a relationship as it is to drive thru MickeyD's and order a value meal. Glad to hear you've done so well. Life altering situations for the few who look at the good side of it, have a way of bringing a strength to us and a power we never knew existed. Scootncash
Elpida Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Dear Scootncash, thank you again! Could you please help me to understand why my ex is so angry (I presume with me)? What anger means? He would not listen to any of his friends who are trying to talk to him about me, about our situation. He will not attend very important for his friends event becuase he knows I will be there... He cannot even consider giving me 5 min of his time to talk to me, even to give me closure... My friend is saying his anger is "above the roof" even after 3.5 months since break-up and he "just wants to be left alone". Is anger better than indifference (when I want a second chance)? Is my only choice to leave him in peace, to give him more time and then contact him (I do not think he will contact me, he is very stubborn, and I did hurt him a lot)? Or go "against his will" and force the confrontation, uninvited - or this will ruin my last hope? Shall I risk his anger now for the tiny hope of him changing his mind if he sees me or I have a much bigger chance for this if he cools down a bit? But I am afraid when his anger is gone he will become indifferent to me...I am so lost, I love his so much, and I am ready to work hard to have him back.... Thank you!!!!
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