nolanola Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I have been hovering on this site for a while and getting a lot of great advice. Today I am feeling very upset and felt the need to post about my situation. I'm at the end of my rope and don't know how to move on. I was dating someone for about 3 and a half years. We had a volatile relationship for a lot of that, mostly due to the fact that he is an alcoholic and (later in the relationship) a drug abuser. It all came to a head about 2 years ago when he went into rehab for 3 months. We started talking again while he was there (we had broken up about 2 months prior to that) and the change in our relationship was amazing. We talked daily and were able to communicate in ways that we never had been able to before. I went to visit him and met with him and his counselor. I had hopes that we would be able to move forward together. When he came home, we initially saw each other a few times (date type things) and slept together twice. This was a mistake for me because, as a woman, I don't take sex lightly and felt very anxious afterwards. I basically wanted to move towards a relationship with him. He began pulling away, although we still talked pretty much every night and he would always end the conversation by saying that he loved me. His pulling away caused a lot of stress for me and I kept bringing it up. He kept saying that he wasn't ready to get into a relationship and that his counselors had advised him to be friends with me and to work on himself for the time being. I tried to be accepting, but it was hard. I finally got myself into counseling and told him that I couldn't talk to him every night anymore because it was too hard for me. We had a bit of a rocky transition from there, but continued to see each other occasionally as we work at the same place. About 2 months later, I find out that he is seeing someone. He tells me that it isn't serious and that she asked him out and he figured that she was moving soon so why not. I was devastated as I felt that he had been stringing me along all that time and just moved right into something else right away. We talked a bit here and there during this time and I got the feeling that he was up to no good with his new girlfriend. He called me when he was with her one night at a bar (supposedly "chaperoning" her and her friends) and I finally told him that I didn't appreciate him calling me when he was out with someone else. We didn't talk for almost 2 months, which is an eternity for us. Out of the blue one day he calls me, telling me that he had been talking to his therapist that day about me and wanted to talk. We started talking again about once a week or so, mostly about his recovery, work, my therapy, and things like that. Then about 2 months later he tells me he's going to New York to visit the girl he had been seeing (she had moved there). I guess I had stupidly believed that his getting back in touch with me meant something about us getting back together and I was upset. We had a horrible phone conversation in which he said he loved me and I yelled at him that he didn't (mature, I know) and other similar things. That was about 9 months ago and we've never talked about that conversation. He went to NY for about 2 weeks and when he returned, we had to work together on a regular basis. This is where my problem begins. He is very inconsistent in his behavior. We are mostly cordial at work and basically friendly. I told him that I wasn't going to call him anymore when we had the awful conversation last year and I haven't. If I don't see him for a bit, I'll get these stupid messages from him every couple of weeks or so saying "just thinking about you" or "you should call me, I miss sharing". He even sent me a text on Valentine's day. If I say that I went out to dinner, he asks who I went out with. But...then I see him flirting with other people (which is like a punch in my stomach) or texting madly on his phone (to whom I have no idea). God forbid I text someone in his presence though, because he'll be looking over my shoulder trying to figure out who I'm texting. He's also pretty flirtatious with me sometimes and this is what I hate the most. It's unfair because it confuses me. His behavior is so inconsistent that I never know how he will be when I see him. One day we might have a great conversation and I'll start thinking about how much I miss him and the next day he's acting like an ass. I don't know how to handle this and I feel like I'm jerking at the end of a string. Does anyone have any insight or advice for me?
Sonic_chaos Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 wow, sometimes it makes me wonder what folk think about. it sounds like he is pretty much using his situation to try and manipulate you into what he wants all the time. He knows that if he says jump, you will ask how high.. In retro.. Its a power struggle.. And he feels he has control over you.. And if he doesnt.. He goes back to this person that has all these problems and you will feel sorry for him.. He does sound messed up at the moment and personally if it was me, *and i know its easier said then done, specially when you work around him too!* id break ties with him completely and speak to him as rarely as possible. Sounds like he is just putting you on an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and pretty soon your going to end up ill as well.. Ultimatlely its how you feel that makes the decision whether you wish to see him as someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or not. I do know some people can change, but they must be willing to change and not slip back, Period. You gave him that chance and he didnt sound like he wanted it with dating other women infront of you. Which is very bold and hurtful at the best of times. Also very inconsiderate.. I think he saw the trip to NYC as a time to relax, see someone he got on with and see the sights of the city too. Again, how long will it be before your ill because of the way he is being with you, infront of your face. Parading around making it known he is enjoying himself without you.. If you do that to him.. The problems come back and he lays it on thick.. Id say you could do so much better then someone like this at the moment. Change your number or block it, as these txt's are having the same effect as everyones elses.. You instantly get a knot in your stomach.. Me too and thats only her saying Hi and how she has been etc.. He wants fun not a relationship and i really do wish people would tell the other person involved its fun or more.. but i believe in being as honest and truthful as possible. And i never just wanted just fun. Good luck
Author nolanola Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks for answering. It's a strange thing that just putting this stuff out there helps me because I know that so many other people are going through the same things. I know that he has good qualities, but he isn't the right person for me at this time in life. In a few months, he will be starting a new job and we won't see each other. As much as it pains me to think of him leaving my life, it seems like it will be the best thing for me. It's hard for me to move on when he keeps messing with my head. Anyway, thanks again for your reply. It means a lot to me that people take the time to read what I have to say and to share their own stories. Hopefully we can all support each other so that we can move forward.
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