Living together- I hate it.

[Agoraphobianebula]

Ok, somebody please tell me I'm not alone. I'm 30 years old.

I just recently moved in with my boyfriend but more and more I'm starting to discover that I don't like cohabitation. Not for anything he's done, we get along great and manage our home well. I think it's something within me that wants my own space. I lived alone for 3 years before I moved in with him. Prior to that I lived with my family and I was miserable. I use to spend as much time away from home as possible and when I am home, I just barricade myself in my room, only coming out to eat/shower, etc.

 

I crave my space, my home is my sanctuary. I like to entertain people but I also like the choice of ushering them out when I choose to. I enjoy when I'm able to leave "life" outside the door and step into my apartment which I consider my cocoon, my bubble. I like keeping the space as clean as I like or as dirty as I choose. I like watching whatever I want on TV or just shutting the TV off and listening to music. I like dancing naked and goofing off all by myself.

I didn't really know I would feel this way living with my boyfriend, if I did, I would never have agreed to move in together.

 

My boyfriend doesn't crowd me and I can always retreat into the other room to be by myself but it's really not the same. I just want a place of my own. I can't really explain it.

The urge to be alone is so profound that I don't even think I will fare well in a marriage. I think I want to be married but I don't think I want to live with my spouse.

 

I don't know how to explain this to him, we've been having some talks and I think he's starting to be clued into the fact that I don't enjoy living together. He thinks it's because I don't love him but that is not the case.

 

Anyone have any insights here, I'm at a loss

[2sure]

Well, certainly some people are made to live solo. Some committed couples even live apart long term.

 

But you might consider this.

 

My H and I married at 40. He had never lived with anyone. I had lived alone with my daughter for 8 years. So , we were both used to our own personal space - he more so than I.

 

We get along great. We have wonderful times together and family time every day he is in town.

 

BUT: We laughingly say he lives at 123 Main St. LOWER.

Because the Den is basically in the basement of our single family home - and thats where he spends a good part of every evening. Working, watching TV, whatever. Meanwhile , daughter and I are in the rest of the house. Sometimes, when I feel crowded I affectionately say: Why aren't you in the basement?

 

I just use this example to point out that the size of a couples living quarters can be a real factor. In an apartment or small home where you cant really get away from each other - drive me nuts.

[MissConduct]

How long ago did you move in? It does stake some getting used to, especially if you had been on your own for a while previous to that. I can relate to a certain extent. But you do realize that if you ever plan to be with someone for the long haul this is something that you will have to work on to change. Unless you find the type of guy who is ok in having a long term relationship and never living together.

 

I think something deeper is going on here, try to get to the root. I don't believe you will be like this for life, I think maybe you weren't quite ready to make the leap with the current man?

[Agoraphobianebula]

We have been living together for 5 months. I thought this was supposed to be the honeymoon period. Yet the place just doesn't feel like home and in my heart, my old apartment is still my home.

 

The old place is somewhat close to my office and each day as I walk the opposite direction, I can't help but glance at the road to my old apartment, and sadness washes over me, I wish I could go back there. It was a small studio so much so that many people refer to it as a shack but I think of it as MY shack and I miss my shack.

 

Granted, my current boyfriend brought up living together first. I was hesitant but soon got caught up in the excitement and said yes. I was even the person who found the place we currently live in. And I should reiterate that it's not a bad living situation at all. We rarely fight, he cleans up after himself, we enjoy each other's company but yet I still long for my time alone, my own space. A place I can retreat to after dealing with the world.

 

When we lived apart, we saw each other a few times a week and usually all weekend long, it was wonderful, the days we spent apart were used for recharging. I liked going home to myself and I miss that.

[MissConduct]

Oh no that sounds like you are really struggling to readjust, thanks for the detailed explanation. Was going to ask you who chose the place but you answered that already.

 

Sounds like maybe you weren't convinced you should have moved in, and since he was the one who was gung-ho you went for it anyway. Now you are not finding your way. Could it be that you just weren't ready for the next step, the idea of taking the relationship to the next step seemed exciting but now that you are living together it this is it? Had you lived with someone before?

 

My bff and her bo went out for 7 yrs they finally decided to live together two months later he left her and realized he was not in the right relationship, yikes!

[sumdude]

My bff and her bo went out for 7 yrs they finally decided to live together two months later he left her and realized he was not in the right relationship, yikes!

 

 

Ooh.. Ye olde seven year itch. Moving in together was probably a small part of it.

 

 

I lived alone for 3 years before I moved in with him. Prior to that I lived with my family and I was miserable

 

So living with your family was miserable. You lived on your own for a few years, now your living with your BF and miserable again. Sounds like somewhere in your mind your equating living with your bf to living with your family and falling into the same thought patterns about it.

 

Perhaps you are one who is more of a loner type. I won't try to judge whether that's good or bad. But it also seems there may be some deeper things from your past but I'm no councilor. Consider seeing someone professional to talk this issue out with or expect all your relationships to hit this wall. Couldn't hurt right?

 

I would also have an open conversation with your bf about it. You'll have to reassure him that it's not him at all but something you're struggling with. Find ways to live your life differently and enjoy things the way they are. Change can be stressful but you should learn to adapt or never grow as an individual.