Did I marry the right person?

[Mimolicious]

I posted this article on the OW/OM board. Meant to post it here as well.

 

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.

She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bothe r (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage! , you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You20have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling .

 

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice"

[quankanne]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

amen!

[Mimolicious]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

amen!

 

 

Hi QK... I feel the same, even though in my case it came a bit too late. LOL!

[quankanne]

the knowledge is priceless though ... just like learning to love yourself so that you can honestly give of self in a relationship.

[seibert253]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

amen!

 

Best I've heard in a long time.

[Juristhea]

Best quote I have read in months. Thanks for sharing this.

 

When it comes to love, I guess there really is no such thing as loving the right person or finding the right person. It all comes down to how you love that person...

[Liquid]

Best quote I have read in months. Thanks for sharing this.

 

When it comes to love, I guess there really is no such thing as loving the right person or finding the right person. It all comes down to how you love that person...

 

Your guess is clearly wrong.

[quankanne]

how do you figure? Even the "right" person can fail if you don't love that person for what gifts he/she brings to the relationship ...

[Juristhea]

Your guess is clearly wrong.

I am just saying that we always want to be on the lookout for the right person to love and marry but somehow we can never really know for sure if the one we are with right now is the right person for us.

 

[Athena]

A great post, but unfortunately does not fit my situation... I dearly loved my H but he time and time again turned to Infidelity.

He too, claims to LOVE me... how can he when he selfishly indulges his whims from time to time?

 

Right person, or wrong person? I know I loved him... am I supposed to turn a blind eye to his clandestine activities?

[Mozzie]

It's an interesting article.

 

However, I find that like many axioms in life, it is but an axiom. To force it onto people as "Gospel" truth can be very painful because it doesn't apply to every situation.

 

1. What about the couple who, despite being absolutely sweet to one another, are probably better off as friends for reasons entirely valid to them (may not to others but well. We are all different).

 

2. What about the woman who married a man only to discover something about him that is unacceptable to her?

 

3. Or the fact that we date around? Do we just stick with the first long-term partner we have despite incompatibilities or lack of shared vision? Who then compromise? If the compromise is unacceptable to one party, using this "Love the one you're with" can create unnecessary stress and guilt for very valid feelings the party feels.

 

4. Or a brain-injury renders one partner absolutely unrecognisable, abusive or just a stranger? Don't tell me you'll still love them no matter what.

 

and many many more situations.

 

While the tenet may apply to some, it doesn't apply to all. Find the right person to marry.. as right as you can. But don't think you can never leave... it may be selfish of me to say it but each relationship is different. The spurned may love this line because it vilifies their partners. The happily married may love this line because they did FIND the right person so any "keys" to happy marriage will apply.

 

You can debate it all you want. But I dare you to pick the next person that comes along, CHOOSE to LOVE them and stick with it.

 

It can take a long time for people to know one another and almost impossible to change them. Unfortunately, those who leave without an obvious reason such as abuse or infidelity are often slapped with lines like this to make them feel even worse.

 

The TRUTH is... Choice is never a constant. You constantly make a choice to love someone everyday. That means you will always have the option to not choose that person someday. Take away that option and Love is no longer a choice... it becomes a prison. And so, yes. To love a person is risky. There is no stability or guarantee that you'll continue to be chosen or you'll continue to choose that person. Every relationship will end one day. If you know that you're with the wrong person... it's OKAY to leave. Just your best to leave responsibly instead of leaving a carnage behind.