Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=187266 Here is the post, please can someone help me out here. Im sick of these games, being civil etc...... Im starting to waiver again and I need some constructive advice, I dont want to lose her, and i feel like there is alot of conflicting advice here that is possibly making things worse... I need to here from women and preferably from the dumper, dumpee too. How would you handle this please?
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 The problem is that you have already lost her. There is nothing in her chat log that makes me think she is having second thoughts about leaving you. You can tell her you are going to change until the cows come home, but it's too little too late. It takes a lot for a woman to leave a long term relationship...most don't do it unless they are entirely sure. You hear of men breaking it off and getting back together all the time...It doesn't happen nearly as often when the girl breaks things off. I would imagine she has severed most of her emotional ties to you before she dumped you. You don't really have a choice but to go NC....Continuing to talk to her is giving her time to "wean" off of you. If she sees you making positive changes in your life and moving on without clinging to her, she's more likely to rethink her decision. If you contact her, she has the option of using you as someone to talk to....someone to make her feel good, while she's on the prowl for another man to have a real relationship with.
Knowingmeknowingyou Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Soul Bear, Im a woman, also been dumped and the dumper. Im going here on what I went through emotionally as the dumper. I ended my marraige 4 years ago. It took me a long time i.e. a few years, to finally run out of love and motivation to make things work. The feelings faded gradually, so like others have said here, the detachment is already well underway by the time someone walks away. Your ex has changed...she seems to be wanting to branch out outside of the relationship. What struck me was that she said the relationship was 'unbalanced', this coming not long after the period when you had gone 'cold' on her, now in her own way she is trying to 'rebalance' the status quo, she is now the one who is 'cold'...and her older friend could likely have been a factor in this, advising her to take back some of the power, to not let herself be treated badly etc..just my speculation. You are understandably in panic mode and just want her back, but speaking from the perspective of when I was the dumper, I would say do not jump through hoops right now trying to convince her...you've done your begging...and it will make no difference to her right now. She has to want to come back, her feelings will tell her...not you. Let her be...if she makes any moves towards you then of course be open to that...let her decide though. My feelings had completly gone when I finally ended the marraige, but during the relationship ( before getting married) we had a number of these 'cold' phases, splitting up for a few weeks and then getting back together, ironically he was the one who usually instigated these 'breaks', but he always came back and I...while the feelings were still there...always took him back. Its really a waiting game for you at the moment,I know thats the worst thing, feeling at the mercy of the one you love, the sense of panic and despair,just wanting the other person to come back, to feel that closeness again, so many of us on here going through the same thing. Hope it works out for you.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Thankyou for your responses and taking the time to read the other thread. before we moved up here, things were on fire. We were still loving each other and there is no doubt in my mind that we were both still 100% in this. Its only from my actions after the move, for 2 weeks i treated her so badly, cold and distant. I WISH things could be better between us now.... I have no doubt that her older friend had a huge part to play in this, as when we met in town after the break up and i told her i had accepted her decision, she was quite obviously upset and we had a really nice chat. Towards the end of that meeting, she turned cold and withdrawn again after recieveng a txt, that i am sure was from this older women...lets just call it intuition. My hunch thinks that she was reminding her to stay strong and remember why she made this decision. After the txt she looked sad, and told me to let go of all hope for the future. I said it would be alot easier if she had just met someone else, she said there was no one else. When we were talking earlier that day she was open to me helping her out with a few things, and i honestly felt like she was reconsidering...very slowly. She agreed that we were soul mates and get on really well. Later that night, i received a nasty email basicly telling me that its over, to let go of all hope for the future, and that she didnt want my help to find a place to stay, she was moving in with this older lady and not to contact her - she also said that she was having stirrings of feelings for someone else, didnt know what to make of it yet and that it was all quite new to her. I said i respect her wishes, was suprised she could take such a healthy interest in someone else so soon and i should start to do the same. I thanked her for all the great times we have shared together, i wished her the best of luck in her new love and her new love... She said that was a very mature reaction and re-itterated that she had not acted on any of these 'new feelings' for someone else, told me how wonderfull i was and asked me not to contact her as she needed some space and time away from me, then signed off. I never heard from her again until i heard her mum had been mugged, in her own car a week later. I emailed her mum hoping that she was ok ( her mu lives in another country), and told her that she could keep and sell my stuff that was at her house i was meant to get shipped over, and hopefully it would make up for some of the money she got knicked from her and damages to her car etc., it was the least i could do, after all, she had been like a 2nd mum to me and loved me dearly. That night, she popped up on the chat screen, and that was what was said in the other thread. I know this other woman has coached her. I know i want her back, and i know we can make it work as we allways have if she will give us the chance. I am finding this so hard, but i do feel happy, and i do feel like i have grown a great deal from all this. Your right tho, it is now a waiting game. NC / LC? i really dont know any more, maybe next time she gets in touch i should do as Carhill suggested and tell her i only want to speak face to face... This is really tough, but i know that her and this older woman will be seperated from each other soon.......i cant say to much on this, but i is a priority of someone who knows them both and agrees that i am probably right about the sitt....i guess after that happens it is just a waiting game. i can only hope that after almost a month with this woman that she has not destroyed and wrung out every last feeling she had for me in order to reconcile,,,,, ouch...my heart....
BCCA Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Your right tho, it is now a waiting game. Dude, it doesnt have to be, and thats no way to live. I've been there, and you know what waiting usually gets you? A long, drawn out heartbreak. The chances of you two getting back together, seriously, are less than 5%. Most women, once they make the decision to end things, are done for good. There may be times when she feels lonely, or remembers something you two did, but I'm telling you this honestly - its borderline impossible for her to change her feelings and give you another shot. It does happen, and thats what keeps that hope alive, but youre talking about winning the relationship lotto, its just so rare. know that her and this older woman will be seperated from each other soon Brother, listen to me: she is WILLINGLY listening to this woman. This lady does not have a gun to her head, and is not forcing her to do anything. Your ex is taking her advice because it backs up what she WANTS to believe, not because this woman has turned her against you. Trust me, the conversations she has with this woman are probably intitiated by your ex, and this woman is just giving her honest opinion. This lady has ZERO vested interest in keeping you two broken up, she is NOT the problem. I know, I've been in your shoes, and youre thinking 'if that b**** would just stay away, we could talk about this clearly', but the problem is really that your ex isnt interested in talking things out with you. The problem is that you have already lost her. This is so true. Most of us believe that going NC and moving on with life is giving up, but giving up on what? You dont have a relationship, this isnt making you happy, and there is nothing more you can do. As much as it sucks, its best to assume that its over and move on. Dont talk to her at all. Sorry, Ive been there and know it sucks, but its going to suck for as long as you let it. Take your life back, dont just sit and wait on her.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 When will i learn I only feel like i am making a total fool out my self here now. Your right, no gun to her head, its her decision I fuc*ed up and now i will have to live with the consequences I will never be making that mistake again, i will never again take for granted such a beautiful thing. I lost it through to my own stupidity...
Knowingmeknowingyou Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 SoulBear, The thing I was getting at is...she will be open to getting back together..IF...she still has feelings for you. We all get confused at times in relationships, especially long term ones. I resolved to stay away from my ex H a number of times, thought each time..'no, thats definately it' , especially when members of my family or friends would try and get me to keep away from him ( he was immature and emotionally unavailable...frequently just disappearing) so you can imagine people close to me thought I should just cut my losses, but each time I 'allowed' him to win me back, and we would talk things through, and make a fresh start, eventually he did commit to me and we got married. Why did I keep going back...because I loved him...feelings again. So what Im saying to you is...no, I dont think its a foregone conclusion that shes not coming back, until or unless she states that she no longer loves you or has no feelings for you, then I believe all may not be lost. Contact wise....do whatever feels comfortable for you...ask to meet for a chat perhaps and gauge any further contact from there. If shes not willing or fobs you off then you will be a bit more aware of where she truely stands. But like others here have said, you do not want to be pining and waiting, in a sense of course you will be doing just that, but live your life as normally as you can, easier said than done I know..but its the only way forward.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 SoulBear, Why did I keep going back...because I loved him...feelings again. So what Im saying to you is...no, I dont think its a foregone conclusion that shes not coming back, until or unless she states that she no longer loves you or has no feelings for you, then I believe all may not be lost. Contact wise....do whatever feels comfortable for you...ask to meet for a chat perhaps and gauge any further contact from there. If shes not willing or fobs you off then you will be a bit more aware of where she truely stands. Thankyou, after the last reply i got not only from her, and on the other thread mentioned above from other members, i feel like i have lost my power again. It is nice to here some optimism from someone, so thankyou. As i stated in another thread, love is not like a piece of china. It doesnt look **** when its glued back together again. Its like neutrons and protons, they separate and collide to make new atmospheres and particles. quite often better than the last. Sometimes love needs to be completely broken before it will fix properly. It just depends how many chances your heart allows each other to give. There is just so much conflicting advice on here...positive and hopeful people, realsitc people, bitter people, sarcastic people, negative people. Each with your own story. And each ends or begins again in its own unique way. For us, i would say it is early days, although she has made it quite clear. knowingmeknowingyou-ahaaaa.... how did you let your husband win you back? what did he do? what was your reactions after you said it was truly over? did you go stone cold? I am just so so confused right now.... Seriously though, thankyou all so much for your time, whether its what i want to here or not, i really appreciate the fact that you all give me so much of yourselves and your time. Its really touching SoulBear
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I dont know what to do. You all say NC I have just being reading some other posts with people saying that they left their long term partners, and as their other half gave up so easily they just moved on. I dont want to be in this situation. now i am utterly lost. dont know what on earth to do now. Do i start asking her if she wants to reconcile, or just continue to 'act' like i dont care and accept her decision. I know she is hurting right now, i can feel it. all of a sudden i feel like i should remain NC....and now I feel i should get in touch..and now NC. Sorry folks. im pathetic, i know, you dont have to tell me Im not expecting a reply from anyone. but at least its getting it out of my mind
BCCA Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Fortunately, the same answer applies whether you want her back or want to move on: NC. Anyone who tells you that they dumped someone and since the person didnt contact them anymore, they moved on, is full of it. If you dump someone, and later regret the decision, its YOUR job to make the effort. Anyone sitting on their hands and expecting the same person they just turned away to keep trying is only looking for an ego boost, and would have said no anyway. No contact is the only way to show her, and yourself, that you can move on without her. You dont need her, you're a big boy and will be just fine. And youre not pathetic, youre heartbroken, which is why most of us are here. Trust me, I did some really pathetic stuff in my life as well, but love blinds us all. Dont be too hard on yourself, relationships are life altering experiences.
Juristhea Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I dont know what to do. You all say NC I have just being reading some other posts with people saying that they left their long term partners, and as their other half gave up so easily they just moved on. I dont want to be in this situation. now i am utterly lost. dont know what on earth to do now. Do i start asking her if she wants to reconcile, or just continue to 'act' like i dont care and accept her decision. I know she is hurting right now, i can feel it. all of a sudden i feel like i should remain NC....and now I feel i should get in touch..and now NC. Sorry folks. im pathetic, i know, you dont have to tell me Im not expecting a reply from anyone. but at least its getting it out of my mind just give her time to heal and time for yourself to heal and reassess everything that you have done. Time will only tell if you really are meant for each other.
Knowingmeknowingyou Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Soul Bear, Just to give a little background on my r/ship with ex H, those times he would just do a moonlight flit...just taking off without a word, this happened before and during when we were living together, but not yet married, , I would hear nothing for a period of about 3 weeks. I would try chasing him down as in calling him but he would be evasive, and downright negative about whether we had any future together. I would then 'ease off' and let him be. He would then just turn up saying he missed me and he was willing to change and we would be back on again. Im afraid this became a very negative pattern, which I being young and naive played along with, now with the benefit of experience and hindsight can see how destructive it was. Your own situation is not the same of course as I understand you dont have the pattern of splitting up and getting back together again, so you dont have a 'template' as such of what to expect now from your other half. What Im saying is though, that people can sometimes think they are through with a r/ship, and then have second thoughts. I acted all clingy when my ex would dump me, I made every possible mistake, calling, crying, reasoning, turning up, but all that did was make me into an emotional wreck. It didnt work to win him back, what did work was when I left him alone, and let him come around in his own time. I was then in a better and stronger position, and would make him 'work' to get me back, granted back then all it took was a discussion and a blind sense of optimism, but it was him seeing me as getting on with my life without him that seemed to draw him back to me. The 'real' ending didnt come till a few years later, thats the time when I was no longer just blindly in love and came to realise we were not actually compatible, certain behaviours wore away at my belief in him and the relationship. The feeling went and couldnt be recaptured, sadly to this day he is still trying to get me back, but there is no chance now...funny how the worm turns. Ride the emotions you're having right now, they will pass, I have learned that much lately, to not act on every impulse to contact my ex boyfriend (who dumped me just before xmas.) I asked him to meet, he gave excuse after excuse, I ended up only setting myself back and getting nowhere. I have now gone complete NC. But that is only after I have satisfied myself that I have done what I could, we all come to have our own internal 'no more' moment, you will have yours too.
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