OWoman Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Still, sometimes I think I need my own personal censor. We all do. Preferably one without an inbuilt time-delay module.
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Double edge sword... You'll be blowing up her spot if you speak to her H. I am sure he doesn't know she was trying to flirt or hit on your H. That was a bit harsh to make something of that magnitude up!
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Oh yes, no doubt it was harsh. And wrong. And to be honest of all of things I did or could have done - probably the least harmful. Another point to be made to those who may find themselves tempted by an A w/ a married person.... You never really know if his wife is going to be a crazy bi*tch , like me.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Oh yes, no doubt it was harsh. And wrong. And to be honest of all of things I did or could have done - probably the least harmful. Another point to be made to those who may find themselves tempted by an A w/ a married person.... You never really know if his wife is going to be a crazy bi*tch , like me. We all have an inner b!tch, some of us are just a little more in tune :rolleyes:than others;)
jj33 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I dont think it was harsh at all. And did she REALLY want you to say look I said something untrue to your W because she was hitting on my H? Yeah, that would help... a lot... You did the right thing. As you said you walked through the fire and made it through. Put it behind you and shred those documents.
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I cant tell you how upset I got myself. But I feel so much better now. If I hadn't posted here and received your responses - I would have taken this to heart all day and then brought it home in some manifestation to my family. Whew! So, THANKS! Sincerely. I told my H. The whole thing. He couldn't remember any of it, or her. He told me this made him ashamed of his past behavior and what it drove me to. He said he didn't need to know anything more and that if I was feeling guilt he couldn't live with himself. I told him my behavior and thoughts back then made me feel vulgar. He said NOTHING about me could ever be that. I love him. We walked through the fire and made it. I'm done looking back. So, I'm tossing my "file/documentation/etc. Its time. Free at last. Still, sometimes I think I need my own personal censor. Is this a good time to say "I told you", concerning what his response to you would have been?! I've been in your shoes and done somethings that I felt I needed to tell my H. Some of them I didn't tell him because if he hadn't been showing himself trustworthy, I would have been showing him my cards. I figured he would feel bad for your feeling that you had to lie to her to get rid of her. Your relationship sounds like its healing well. Do something nice for yourself after work, 2sure. Glad you spoke to your husband. Not to mention, I agree with JJ33. What exactly would you have told her H that would have made things better for her marriage? To be a fly on the wall during THAT conversation....
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Our relationship is wonderful to be honest. And its important for me to not take that fact for granted. I think some of my guilt over my past shrewish behavior and getting rid of those feelings - is one of the final obstacles to complete recovery. I cant help but feel sorry for this woman with her marriage ending or have sympathy for her family. But honestly, asking me of all people for help - was like a lamb feeding itself to the lion. My reactions sometimes surprise me. I AM gracious . I AM empathetic. But it does - it goes back to protecting my own. Its a base thing, an instinct that comes out and knows no bounds.
SidLyon Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'm only 6 months our from d day and still having issues with the OW. Like some others I've done a couple of things that I never thought I would do and haven't told my H about. I have sort of admitted to him that I have done some things but that I've done nothing that I thought would damage our marriage or him in relation to our marriage or his work. I'll probably tell him at some time in the future though. It's all somewhat demeaning realising the lengths I will go to - but I keep telling myself it's not a patch on what was done to me over so many years. One thing I know is that I won't be unfaithful myself - not even a revenge affair. S
tami-chan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I don't really understand. She hit on your husband...You told her to back off or you'd tell her husband. They are now separated because she thinks he has another woman.. And you feel bad?? She told the woman it was known in the community that her (other other woman's) husband was cheating on her. Because she LIED,(she told the woman it was known in the community that her (other other woman's) husband was cheating on her0,and it destroyed another's marriage-granted there must have been problems already in existence....still... Black and white, folks, remember? And I think somebody somewhere said,"a lie is a lie is a lie. Let's be consistent. Otherwise we lose credibility.
tami-chan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I don't understand why you feel bad for her either. But if you have violated a personal standard, then that I get. She came after your H, you put a stop to it. She and her H have issues, how is that your responsibility? Had she just been honest with her H about the email,(she begged you not to tell him)she may not be in this situation. You can't build marriage on lies ( omission or overrate) she chose to lie to him, not you. 2sure didn't know there were problems in that marriage. She lied for whatever reason-anger, spite, and it was wrong.
tami-chan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 You know, I feel bad because first, my H responded appropriately to her advance. He gets hit on, and since we are now happily married - I blow it off and so does he. I told her her H was cheating , while I had no such knowledge, out of spite. Yes, she was wrong wrong wrong to hit on another man - married or otherwise. But maybe she was going thru a rough spot. She seemed mortified when I called her on it. Anyway - I hate to think my spiteful remark had an affect on someone's marriage. Well she told you, that your remark made her paranoid and now the marriage is kaput. I don't understand why you feel bad. I think you should change your way of thinking and feel justified for doing it. Why should you care about her marriage? Chuck it to- "don't mess with me and my marriage,I will destroy you and yours". Celebrate your success!
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 2sure didn't know there were problems in that marriage. She lied for whatever reason-anger, spite, and it was wrong. I think she established that and I understand that she violated her personal standards, what's your point. We agree. She lied, she was wrong. My statement was I didn't originally understand her concern for what happened to ow, I do understand that her thought process now. She explained quite well to me.
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 You've shown a great deal of maturity and integrity about this problem and deserve a great big pat on the back:) Your husband is a very lucky man to have such a wise woman.
tami-chan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I think she established that and I understand that she violated her personal standards, what's your point. We agree. She lied, she was wrong. My statement was I didn't originally understand her concern for what happened to ow, I do understand that her thought process now. She explained quite well to me. Still you guys are not really appalled of the LIE. Yet, you go about preaching to tell the truth---life is black and white. As if 'good 'people do not ever lie. Where's the disgust? None. It is selective moralizing.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Still you guys are not really appalled of the LIE. Yet, you go about preaching to tell the truth---life is black and white. As if 'good 'people do not ever lie. Where's the disgust? None. It is selective moralizing. Oh bullsh*t. She knows and readily admitted it was wrong, so it's not like we have to hammer that point to death. Further, she owned up to the person she lied to. We all stray from time-to-time from the path we know is correct (I suspect even you). So what are we supposed to do with the person who admits what they did was wrong and "in the heat of the moment" and further strives to make things right? Chunk them into a red-hot cauldron of boiling monkey urine?
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Still you guys are not really appalled of the LIE. Yet, you go about preaching to tell the truth---life is black and white. As if 'good 'people do not ever lie. Where's the disgust? None. It is selective moralizing. It isn't selective at all. I am not outraged because I am human and I feel if the worse she did was lie to the ow who was f-ng her husband, the ow was reaping what she sowed and was getting off pretty damn easy. I am a human, a former bs, who wanted to plant my foot up ow's a$$ and break it off, so please forgive me if I don't think her lie destroyed a family or caused effective the future trust of a lying, cheating ow. Had the ow come clean with her own H, she wouldn't have been begging OP to not tell. Morally we are all corrupt, the sooner you realize that the sooner you will stop splitting hairs and looking for justification for cheating. You aren't going to change my mind about my views and I don't care whether you find my post credible or not. I don't live my life looking for approval from anyone other than God.
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Oh bullsh*t. She knows and readily admitted it was wrong, so it's not like we have to hammer that point to death. Further, she owned up to the person she lied to. We all stray from time-to-time from the path we know is correct (I suspect even you). So what are we supposed to do with the person who admits what they did was wrong and "in the heat of the moment" and further strives to make things right? Chunk them into a red-hot cauldron of boiling monkey urine? :eek::confused::sick::lmao:I have never heard this before, do you mind if I use it on a couple of people I am not fond of.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 :eek::confused::sick::lmao:I have never heard this before, do you mind if I use it on a couple of people I am not fond of. Please do; my copyright license fees are very reasonable.
tami-chan Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I expect her to be treated like all the others who have lied. Many OWs/OMs/WSs come to this forum and express remorse, we do not even believe that--we call them LIARS. In this case, some people think, "whats the big deal?"-as if some people deserve to be lied to. Personally, I think 2sure needs to free her thoughts of guilt and not feel bad about lying...she made that decision to lie...it didnt just happen. In the end she has to live with herself. I suspect she will be fine with it. She will be able to justify in her mind and really who cares? I also suspect, this was shared here in a gleeful attempt to warn all would be OWs---"this could happen to you"...and that's fine too! So please, save me the sanctimonious attitude. Everybody lies.
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I expect her to be treated like all the others who have lied. Many OWs/OMs/WSs come to this forum and express remorse, we do not even believe that--we call them LIARS. In this case, some people think, "whats the big deal?"-as if some people deserve to be lied to. Personally, I think 2sure needs to free her thoughts of guilt and not feel bad about lying...she made that decision to lie...it didnt just happen. In the end she has to live with herself. I suspect she will be fine with it. She will be able to justify in her mind and really who cares? I also suspect, this was shared here in a gleeful attempt to warn all would be OWs---"this could happen to you"...and that's fine too! So please, save me the sanctimonious attitude. Everybody lies. No one said everyone doesn't lie. What has been said to the lying AP is that not telling their spouses so that they can decide if they want to stay married is wrong. 2sure not only went to her spouse and told him what she did(he didn't recall the incident)she felt guilty, and contacted the woman to tell her the truth. What else is she supposed to do? What you don't seem to get on any level of cognition is that humans do the wrong thing all the time. Good humans move heaven and earth to try to rectify the situation(which 2sure did). There is no outrage because she did what God, the Bible, the Golden Rule or just decent human behavior requires. So please the save the royal indignation for someone who gives a rat's.....you know.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 So please, save me the sanctimonious attitude. Everybody lies. We're sanctimonious. That's rich. Personally, I draw distinctions depending on the subject of the lie, the context of the moment, and what the person who lies does to make it right. You want to paint with a broad brush? Knock yourself out.
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Please do; my copyright license fees are very reasonable. Good. I got a couple of quarters.
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I had hoped the letter might have gone on to say that she (the colleague) felt it was inappropriate to continue contact and that she regretted those feelings, but I guess it was a hook-up tease. Oh, well... OK, matter resolved. Now, the next time H shows you such a letter/e-mail/text, and he will, considering his position, friendliness, attractiveness and language he prefers to use with women (doll, sweetheart, etc), what are you going to do? That's the instructive part. I'm happy you found resolution with the past. As someone upthread noted, there's a b!tch in all of us, even men. I could tell a few stories
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I had hoped the letter might have gone on to say that she (the colleague) felt it was inappropriate to continue contact and that she regretted those feelings, but I guess it was a hook-up tease. Oh, well... OK, matter resolved. Now, the next time H shows you such a letter/e-mail/text, and he will, considering his position, friendliness, attractiveness and language he prefers to use with women (doll, sweetheart, etc), what are you going to do? That's the instructive part. I'm happy you found resolution with the past. As someone upthread noted, there's a b!tch in all of us, even men. I could tell a few stories AAAAHHHH so you liked that did you? I do know a few mean who embrace their inner b!tch.
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