2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Been 2 years since H Cheated - But during the first year after D-Day, I was paranoid and bitter in spite of the fact that H gave me complete transparency. H meets a lot of people in his line of work both professionally and socially. He is a friendly guy and I have no issue with that. About a year after D-day he shows me an email he received from a woman who he was working with via a volunteer org. In it she tells him how after getting to know him she is very attracted to him and feels chemistry. He is genuinely stumped. She is married. He shows me the previous correspondence between them - nothing but friendly. No sexual flirting. He used words like: "Thanks - you're a doll/sweetheart." or "Looking forward to seeing you at the ..." So, like I said - I was not always myself during this time. It made me really mad. I called her. I told her I understood her marriage was in trouble but that she was to stay away from mine. I told her my H showed me the email because he knew it was way out of line. I told her if there was any further contact I would forward the email to her H. She was sorry and said she really hoped I would never send that email. She asked me how I could know about any problems in her marriage and I said it was common knowledge in the community that he was cheating on her. I didn't go any further than that. So, a year after that....this past Monday - she calls me, on my cell which had to take some doing to get the #. She tells me her and H are recently separated. She apologizes for sending my H that email. It takes me awhile to even remember the event, or her. She told me she was hoping she could finally get some clarity and know she wasn't crazy. I could relate to that. Her H left and she didn't know if it was really because of another W. .......I told her: "You know I made that up right? I don't even know your last name. I was just irritated. " After so much time, and since I am in so much better shape now....I feel awful. I feel like a bad person, a spiteful woman. I want to be gracious, but... She asked me if I would speak to her H and tell him . She feels her paranoia may have contributed to their marriage issues. She wants him back. WTF
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't really understand. She hit on your husband...You told her to back off or you'd tell her husband. They are now separated because she thinks he has another woman.. And you feel bad??
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't understand why you feel bad for her either. But if you have violated a personal standard, then that I get. She came after your H, you put a stop to it. She and her H have issues, how is that your responsibility? Had she just been honest with her H about the email,(she begged you not to tell him)she may not be in this situation. You can't build marriage on lies ( omission or overrate) she chose to lie to him, not you.
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 You know, I feel bad because first, my H responded appropriately to her advance. He gets hit on, and since we are now happily married - I blow it off and so does he. I told her her H was cheating , while I had no such knowledge, out of spite. Yes, she was wrong wrong wrong to hit on another man - married or otherwise. But maybe she was going thru a rough spot. She seemed mortified when I called her on it. Anyway - I hate to think my spiteful remark had an affect on someone's marriage.
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I told her her H was cheating , while I had no such knowledge, out of spite. Oh ok, I just saw that part. I wouldn't let it get to you. I guarantee that your comment didn't cause the demise of their relationship...her paranoia because of HER actions is the more likely cause. Don't sweat it. We all say and do things we regret.
boldjack Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 2sure, You lied to her about his having an affair. This lie concerns both of them, so you should own up to both of them, but only if her H is aware of the reason for your calling her in the first place.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You know, I feel bad because first, my H responded appropriately to her advance. He gets hit on, and since we are now happily married - I blow it off and so does he. I told her her H was cheating , while I had no such knowledge, out of spite. Yes, she was wrong wrong wrong to hit on another man - married or otherwise. But maybe she was going thru a rough spot. She seemed mortified when I called her on it. Anyway - I hate to think my spiteful remark had an affect on someone's marriage. This I do understand. It is your personal standard of conduct that you feel like you violated. You feel because you lowered you standard to zing her and make her hurt just a little. You did it out of frustration and anger, I do get it. I have no idea if what you said contributed to her issues, but it certainly wasn't the cause of those issues. I don't know what will make you feel better. Maybe the acknowledgement of doing something out of anger is a step forward. I wish I had some advice that would help.
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I know. The BS in me says : how dare you ask me for help? The MW in me says: this marriage has more problems than my remark. But , you know. I just feel like this might be something I have to make right on my end. I strongly believe in Karma, and I'm really shook up about this. I dont want anything coming back to bite me in the As*. S0 the question is this: She seems to feel that if I tell him I told her I heard he was cheating...it will explain to him her paranoid and controlling behavior. But that conversation cannot happen unless he sees the email . I mean, I'm not gonna say "Oh yeah, I dont know you or your wife - but just told your wife this for no reason." WTF is the right thing for me to do?? I want my slate CLEAN.
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Geez. And now I'm pissed off at my H again for no real reason.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Wow, you have my kind of Karma! Whenever I am ugly or spitefull it bites me in the behind, even when it's understandable. I'm with Boldjack, if you are willing to talk to him, then he should know the reasoning behind what was said and why. I know you feel bad but you can't help but wonder at the irony of it all. If she hadn't been trying to interfere in someones marriage then she wouldn't be in this postion and asking for help from someone who she tried to oust. That's gotta take some nerve. "Um, yes its Tammy, I'm the one who was expressing my interest in your husband... well, um... I wondered if you could do me a little favor.":rolleyes:
Snowflower Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 But that conversation cannot happen unless he sees the email . I mean, I'm not gonna say "Oh yeah, I dont know you or your wife - but just told your wife this for no reason." WTF is the right thing for me to do?? I want my slate CLEAN. But didn't the wife ask you to talk to her husband-to try to explain things and straighten them out? Did you ask this woman how you were supposed to handle the issue of her email to your husband? Because that is really what started the whole thing...
boldjack Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Did you ask her if he is aware of the original e-mail?
Lishy Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Hey woman, dont feel bad ... If anyone feels bad it should be her for going after your hubby so blatantly! YOU didnt ruin their marriage, it was already ruined when she tried it on with your husband! You have admitted to her you were lying and that is good. Dont help her just ge on with your life, she would have ruined your marriage if she had been given the go ahead and I wonder if she would have felt bad! You may be able to forgive an affair and try to move on, but you never forget! ever! you are mad at your hubby because her call has brought up all the old feelings. Let it go and stay happy 2sure! Dont let this woman cause problems for you
GorillaTheater Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 WTF is the right thing for me to do?? I want my slate CLEAN. Then I would come clean and let them do with the information as they wish. And I admire the fact that you're concerned about this.
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 My knee jerk reaction, my spite, my freaking mouth. I think I am gracious, the kind to rise above it all. But I'm not. I'm still the same. It isnt always graciousness, sometimes my motives are .... Anyway, I'm going to call her back. I am going to apologize for my lie. I have long ago forgiven her and forgotten her slight. I dont want this coming back at my own husband or marriage - so will simply wish her the best of luck in dealing with life. I dont want further conversation. Hopefully she will accept my apology. I know this seems like a no brainer to some...but I'm telling you: Karma finds me.
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 2sure, keep the OW away from your life. You owe her nothing. If it helps, I also told the OW an untruth. I told her that I would tell her H, about the affair, so she ran off and confessed to him, which was exactly what I wanted to happen. Her H subsequently approached me for information, and I gave him copies of everything the PI dug up for me. They went through a messy, messy divorce and custody battle after that. I don't feel bad at all. If she were to come to me for help or information, I would laugh at her and tell her she's on her own. I still feel zero guilt or remorse about this. Don't eff with me and mine.
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Although this woman's offer was refused by H - I was still in that crazy stage. I think what is upsetting me is that I never told my H what I said to her. He never asked. It was a year after the real D-Day of his actual infidelity and it wasnt a place either one of us wanted to revisit. He doesnt know about other things I did during that crazy making time leading up to D-Day and after. To be honest, I'm ashamed of what I am capable of . Some of things I had to do to save the marriage and turn him around were necessary and showed him I was serious. But the extent of information I gathered , the things I looked into, etc. on him & OW AND anyone I suspected , and what I was willing to do with it- he still doesnt know. I better just focus on this one phone call, the rest is making me sick.
Lishy Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 It is amazing the lengths we will go to when cheated on Dont feel bad, you did no wrong and you did what you did out of hurt so let it go hon
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 So, I called her back. I told her that although I was sorry I lied ....the rest of it had nothing to do with me. She started to talk to me about her husband and marriage and I stopped her. I told her I was still the woman who's H she attempted to seduce. So, thats done. I get a little obsessive about Karma. I have to keep in mind that its not always about mine. All of this has brought to the forefront that I have some disclosure to open to my H. I feel that although he has become completely transparent and is sincerely a changed man.... I have to come clean. I have to show him and maybe give to him the complete file I maintained during that crazy making time leading up to D-Day. Its ugly. It will put me in a bad light. It will show him I capable of more things than a healthy person should be. But you know, Ive been carrying this around and I have got to let it go.
OWoman Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 2sure - it's water under the bridge. You said what you said to her in a moment of stress - you've apologised and now it's done. Your slate is clean. What did or didn't go down in their M is not for you to worry over - her hitting on your H suggests many many things to unravel that your speaking to her H wouldn't even start to touch sides on. If she wants him back, she needs to sort that out with him. The rest of your "crazy days" behaviour is also behind you. You thought thoughts, you planned plans, you may even have acted on some of those thoughts or plans - but it's over. The work you've put into recovering your M has neutralised all of that and put you in a better space. Digging it up again will just take you right back... Look forward, not back.
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I'm with OWoman. You've apologized to her. The only person you need to tell about this is your H. And given what he had showed you, he will likely be understanding that you overreacted with her. I might feel bad about saying "its common knowledge" but not for saying that her husband was cheating on her. Like you said, this is the woman that was trying to seduce your H. She has no right to blame you for her recent separation. Her marriage, her problem.
stuckinoz Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I have to come clean. I have to show him and maybe give to him the complete file I maintained during that crazy making time leading up to D-Day. Its ugly. It will put me in a bad light. It will show him I capable of more things than a healthy person should be. But you know, Ive been carrying this around and I have got to let it go. WHY? Like OWoman said, it's water under the bridge. Just burn the file. Shred it. Get it out of your life. BTW You're not crazy for doing that - Been there/done that myself. I shredded the 4" file I kept in my office desk. Why dredge up the past?
Author 2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I cant tell you how upset I got myself. But I feel so much better now. If I hadn't posted here and received your responses - I would have taken this to heart all day and then brought it home in some manifestation to my family. Whew! So, THANKS! Sincerely. I told my H. The whole thing. He couldn't remember any of it, or her. He told me this made him ashamed of his past behavior and what it drove me to. He said he didn't need to know anything more and that if I was feeling guilt he couldn't live with himself. I told him my behavior and thoughts back then made me feel vulgar. He said NOTHING about me could ever be that. I love him. We walked through the fire and made it. I'm done looking back. So, I'm tossing my "file/documentation/etc. Its time. Free at last. Still, sometimes I think I need my own personal censor.
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