JTown Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 First of all I wanted to say hey to everyone on these forums. I came across them during a tough period in my relationship when my wife and I were dating and it sincerely helped to read up on other people having similar issues and how they dealt with them. That being said I thought I'd come here and ask an actual question myself since I'm in need of some opinions/guidance. So roughly two weeks ago, my wife and I tied the knot. We had been together for almost 5 years in a long distance relationship but we found ways to make it work. It had it's ups and downs like all relationships do, but we survived and we made it to the alter just fine. In the weeks leading up to the big day, I was really busy at work but also really excited about starting a new life with my wife. I never had a moment's hesitation or a single doubt. The wedding came and went and it was wonderful. Then enter the honeymoon... We decided to head to Florida for our Honeymoon in order to keep it relatively cheap since we had recently purchased a house together as well. So we flew down to Florida (which sort of messed with me because I'm not the greatest at handling flying) and arrived at our Condo on the beach. I'm not certain why or how it happened but I started feeling different, very anxious and even somewhat sad/depressed. Initially I figured it had something to do with the flight or the fact that it was just me and my wife in a new place we didn't know far away from friends. My wife sort of picked up that "something wasn't right" and asked me something along the lines of "Are you having doubts? Do you still feel the same about me?". At this point I sort of froze. An honest, immediate answer didn't come to my mind...and that single act of not being able to answer quickly as if it were an instinct gave way to panic. Did I still love my wife? Did I feel the same? Did I make a mistake? This then gave way to more negative thoughts and panic of things like separation and divorce (I might mention here that divorce is something I've dealt with several times with my parents growing up as a kid). Suddenly, I was swarmed by negative thoughts, doubts and questions. This then gave way to additional feelings of anxiety as well as guilt for not enjoying my honeymoon and thinking such ways about my wife who I knew loved me so much. I began to talk with my wife and explain to her how I felt, and she was 100% supportive of my feelings and appreciate my honesty, even though the things I were saying were admittedly causing her some worry herself. We continued through the Honeymoon, and I was determined to have a good time. Over the next week it was a roller coaster ride of emotions where I'd be happy and completely confident in my feelings for my wife, but the next moment I'd be back to doubting and enter the negative thought loop all over again. It came time to fly home again (more anxiety there) and move into our new home together (even MORE anxiety). It was the first time I've lived with anyone I was romantically involved with and I wasn't sure how it was going to work out. So fast forward to today. We've been living together for roughly a week now and I've been getting back into my regular schedule of going to work and coming home. Everyday has gotten a little better than the last. I'm generally able to deal with the negative thoughts and they don't really bother me much anymore, but one thing I'm still having trouble with is the REASON why I even question my love for my wife. It really bothers me that I allow myself to ask the question, and hard for me to say 100% yes because I feel that if I truly did, I wouldn't be asking myself the question at all (quite a vicious cycle). I do fine when I just don't think about it and block it from my mind, but is that the right thing to do? I feel like I should deal with it instead of just ignoring it. I can generally work through it during the day, but when I wake up in the morning I always have a little anxiety in the pit of my stomach worrying about the same stuff I thought I had gotten over the night before. I apologize for the lengthy back story but I figured it would help those of you interested in giving me some advice, understand my current situation. So are these feelings normal? Did you guys have doubts before/after the wedding? How do you deal with them? I know that I'm super lucky to end up with a woman as nice, kind, loving, understanding, smart and devoted as my wife is, but I feel horrible about having such doubts and negative thoughts in my mind. I want to get over these feelings so I can start focusing on being happy with my new bride. Thanks for all your help in advance.
quankanne Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 JJ, first off, congrats on your marriage! Proof that sometimes, LDR's can have happy endings if you work at it. that said, I think see a bit why you've entered a freaky stage in the marriage: Think about it ... you've spent five years learning how to make y'alls relationship work when you lived in two different places, and that became the norm. Suddenly, this person you love dearly is with you 100 percent of the time when it's NOT the norm, and you're having to learn to adjust to that change. And marriage is a huge change in and of itself. my husband and I were pretty much a long-distance couple throughout the dating phase of our relationship (about two years) plus he was working in Saudi Arabia the first year of our marriage (I saw him ONCE, that first Christmas we were a married couple, then he went back overseas). As hard as it was, I was used to being apart, it seemed normal. by the time our first anniversary arrived, he quit his job because he couldn't handle being apart, and while I was thrilled at the idea of having him with me, it just got weird because I had to learn to live with this person constantly in my life! I don't mean that in a bad way, but that it was different than before, and therefore *harder* in some ways. and throughout the marriage, he'd take jobs that involved traveling, so we were doing the long-distance thing off and on, and it was always harder getting used to him being home than it was having him gone. Not because I didn't love him, but because I still wasn't used to having him with me 24/7! about nine years ago, he injured his back and has been home since. It took some getting used to at first, but it worked out. and I'm guess this might be some of what your facing, trying to make it through that transitional phase of actually physically being together. It's not that you don't love your wife, but you're trying to get the equation to make sense, you know? The stress of these changes, coupled with what you experienced as a child of divorce just might be the culprit behind those negative thoughts. Instead of letting them gang up on you, tackle them one by one until you can find a solution or answer YOU can live happily with, as can your wife. I think you're going to be just fine, JJ ... just remember to allow yourself to come up for air!
littlekitty Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I think it's not that uncommon to have some thoughts like this strangely enough. The run up to a wedding is not only stressful, but also lovely looking forward to this big occassion and celebration. You often get caught up in it all. I think sometimes after that's all over - even on honeymoon - realisation can hit. You come back down to earth with a bump and realise you've made this HUGE commitment to someone. Which is strange - as you knew all along you were going to do, and wanted to! So why it suddenly hits in that way I'm not sure! I think that realisation that can have an effect on you. You're MARRIED! And suddenly this can prompt little doubts in your mind. You wonder if you did the right thing by making that huge decision? I imagine for you that is increased due to the fact that you were an LDR beforehand. Unless you really have made a mistake (which I can't judge for you), I think it's fine to have some nerves and strange doubts. It's just part of settling into married life. It takes a while to settle into it all. For myself and my husband, the first year of our marriage was hard work. We hit a bump too. But we knew we'd made the right decision. And we worked our way through it.
GorillaTheater Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I suspect it's a fairly common feeling; I certainly went through it. In my case, I think it was because I was so young (21) and trying juggle school, work and now, a 24/7 marriage. The first week I found myself feeling overwhelmed: "holy sh*t! I'm married! Do I have any clue what I'm doing? Did I get in over my head?" It passed in a few months, although I don't doubt that my wife thought I was nuts for a while. Congratulations, and hang in there. You'll be fine.
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Have you suffered from anxiety and depression before? It could be all the new changes that's making you feel anxious, and especially more so because you have anxiety about flying), anyway, before you decide anything, please seek counselling to help you cope with the anxiety. Maybe there are underlying issues, fears and stuff from your past that's making you worry, subconsciously, or you are just scared of losing what you have with your wife and those negative thoughts/fears are taking over..Eitherway, talking to someone who specializes in anxiety (CBT aka cognitive behaviour therapy) will help you alot.
Author JTown Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks for all the responses guys, it's a great help. I think you guys have sort of hit the nail on the head, I never took alot of time to sit down and REALLY think about what a huge commitment marriage is, and when I do now it seems somewhat intimidating and a little nerve racking. I honestly don't believe my feelings for my wife have changed at all, we're still a great couple together and I think our open line of communication is proof of just that. Add to that the fact that we were in a Long Distance Relationship up to this point and the stress of learning to live with someone new coupled with just how daunting the commitment of marriage can seem and it seems to be a pretty easy recipe for something that can rile up anxiety. I honestly can't say I've ever had too many Anxiety issues but I would definitely diagnose myself as a serial worrier. I have a pretty over active imagination and I can dream up the worst case scenario for any situation; flying, being in an elevator, driving in rainy/snowy conditions, bad weather and now I guess my marriage as well. I have talked to my wife about going to a doctor to talk about my anxiety and potentially getting some medication or speaking with a counselor about it. I am fairly confident that things are going to be fine, I just hate having a single inch of doubt in my mind about my relationship with my wife, and when I have those doubts I being to over analyze WHY I have them and it begets a whole other loop of negative thinking. I suppose I should just take a deep breath and relax and reaffirm with myself that I love my wife and that things are going to be alright, it will just take time. It does help to get some feedback from you guys hearing that it's pretty normal to have feelings like these given all the obvious new life changes we're going through right now. Thanks again guys and gals!
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Who knows what the future holds...To worry about the what if's and worst case senario's in life, in your marriage, etc, isn't a good thing. Focus on the good stuff, otherwise you'll be too busy worrying and having fears of the unknown to enjoy what's infront of you. Your wife, your baby, building a life together, experiencing amazing things with your kid(s), watching them grow up etc..
Juristhea Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 First of all I wanted to say hey to everyone on these forums. I came across them during a tough period in my relationship when my wife and I were dating and it sincerely helped to read up on other people having similar issues and how they dealt with them. That being said I thought I'd come here and ask an actual question myself since I'm in need of some opinions/guidance. So roughly two weeks ago, my wife and I tied the knot. We had been together for almost 5 years in a long distance relationship but we found ways to make it work. It had it's ups and downs like all relationships do, but we survived and we made it to the alter just fine. In the weeks leading up to the big day, I was really busy at work but also really excited about starting a new life with my wife. I never had a moment's hesitation or a single doubt. The wedding came and went and it was wonderful. Then enter the honeymoon... We decided to head to Florida for our Honeymoon in order to keep it relatively cheap since we had recently purchased a house together as well. So we flew down to Florida (which sort of messed with me because I'm not the greatest at handling flying) and arrived at our Condo on the beach. I'm not certain why or how it happened but I started feeling different, very anxious and even somewhat sad/depressed. Initially I figured it had something to do with the flight or the fact that it was just me and my wife in a new place we didn't know far away from friends. My wife sort of picked up that "something wasn't right" and asked me something along the lines of "Are you having doubts? Do you still feel the same about me?". At this point I sort of froze. An honest, immediate answer didn't come to my mind...and that single act of not being able to answer quickly as if it were an instinct gave way to panic. Did I still love my wife? Did I feel the same? Did I make a mistake? This then gave way to more negative thoughts and panic of things like separation and divorce (I might mention here that divorce is something I've dealt with several times with my parents growing up as a kid). Suddenly, I was swarmed by negative thoughts, doubts and questions. This then gave way to additional feelings of anxiety as well as guilt for not enjoying my honeymoon and thinking such ways about my wife who I knew loved me so much. I began to talk with my wife and explain to her how I felt, and she was 100% supportive of my feelings and appreciate my honesty, even though the things I were saying were admittedly causing her some worry herself. We continued through the Honeymoon, and I was determined to have a good time. Over the next week it was a roller coaster ride of emotions where I'd be happy and completely confident in my feelings for my wife, but the next moment I'd be back to doubting and enter the negative thought loop all over again. It came time to fly home again (more anxiety there) and move into our new home together (even MORE anxiety). It was the first time I've lived with anyone I was romantically involved with and I wasn't sure how it was going to work out. So fast forward to today. We've been living together for roughly a week now and I've been getting back into my regular schedule of going to work and coming home. Everyday has gotten a little better than the last. I'm generally able to deal with the negative thoughts and they don't really bother me much anymore, but one thing I'm still having trouble with is the REASON why I even question my love for my wife. It really bothers me that I allow myself to ask the question, and hard for me to say 100% yes because I feel that if I truly did, I wouldn't be asking myself the question at all (quite a vicious cycle). I do fine when I just don't think about it and block it from my mind, but is that the right thing to do? I feel like I should deal with it instead of just ignoring it. I can generally work through it during the day, but when I wake up in the morning I always have a little anxiety in the pit of my stomach worrying about the same stuff I thought I had gotten over the night before. I apologize for the lengthy back story but I figured it would help those of you interested in giving me some advice, understand my current situation. So are these feelings normal? Did you guys have doubts before/after the wedding? How do you deal with them? I know that I'm super lucky to end up with a woman as nice, kind, loving, understanding, smart and devoted as my wife is, but I feel horrible about having such doubts and negative thoughts in my mind. I want to get over these feelings so I can start focusing on being happy with my new bride. Thanks for all your help in advance. I've always been a skeptic when it comes to LDR's and your story is incredible. Congratulations on your wedding. I wouldnt worry much on doubts but rather I would focus on building that future with my husband-to-be and help him meet his goals and dreams for us and our family. You just have the post wedding jitters. Just keep an open and honest communication with your wife, solve all conflicts on the same day they are made and be loyal and faithful to her. If you survived your LDR, then marriage shouldnt be a problem to you... Cheers!
norajane Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 just how daunting the commitment of marriage can seem You can freak out about forever, but, really, it's just today. And tomorrow, it will also be just tomorrow. Take it one day at a time, dude. Really. You only exist today, right now. Forever is just a bunch of todays. Do you love her today? Great. Tomorrow, and forever, will take care of itself. Go to a doctor and get something for that anxiety. That's no way to live, freaking out in your head about every little thing. Being in an elevator? Hope you don't live in a big city.
Author JTown Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Go to a doctor and get something for that anxiety. That's no way to live, freaking out in your head about every little thing. Being in an elevator? Hope you don't live in a big city. LOL I work in a "high rise" in downtown Chicago. It's only a problem when I actually give thought to it, 90% of the time I don't.
juniper71 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 This sounds a LOT like "relationship OCD" or ROCD. Google it. There are some good threads on http://www.stuckinadoorway.org on this topic. I have a lot of the same issues, so can relate. All the best!
1Angel Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I began to talk with my wife and explain to her how I felt, and she was 100% supportive of my feelings and appreciate my honesty, even though the things I were saying were admittedly causing her some worry herself. We continued through the Honeymoon, and I was determined to have a good time. If only more men would communicate to their partners like this! The other posters made some excellent points so won't repeat them. Good luck to you.
PhoenixRise Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 At this point I sort of froze. An honest, immediate answer didn't come to my mind...and that single act of not being able to answer quickly as if it were an instinct gave way to panic. Did I still love my wife? Did I feel the same? Did I make a mistake? This then gave way to more negative thoughts and panic of things like separation and divorce (I might mention here that divorce is something I've dealt with several times with my parents growing up as a kid). Suddenly, I was swarmed by negative thoughts, doubts and questions. This then gave way to additional feelings of anxiety as well as guilt for not enjoying my honeymoon and thinking such ways about my wife who I knew loved me so much. I began to talk with my wife and explain to her how I felt, and she was 100% supportive of my feelings and appreciate my honesty, even though the things I were saying were admittedly causing her some worry herself. We continued through the Honeymoon, and I was determined to have a good time. Over the next week it was a roller coaster ride of emotions where I'd be happy and completely confident in my feelings for my wife, but the next moment I'd be back to doubting and enter the negative thought loop all over again. It came time to fly home again (more anxiety there) and move into our new home together (even MORE anxiety). It was the first time I've lived with anyone I was romantically involved with and I wasn't sure how it was going to work out. The part I bolded says a lot about your relationship with your wife. Congratulations on marrying someone who you can always be completely honest with. It is a rare woman who can have her new husband tell her he is feeling anxious and doubtful on the honeymoon and still support him 100% Getting married and going from a LDR to sharing a home are both huge changes. It is normal to feel anxious and a little overwhelmed. If these feelings start to debilitate you or to negatively impact your marriage go for counseling and find out what is at the root of the problems. My first year of marriage was a mixture of great happiness and romance and great anxiety and adjustment. Melding the lives, attitudes, furniture, finances, goals, etc. of two people who are accustomed to livng alone and independantly is challenging. Anxiety regarding this is normal.
HsMomma Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 JTown, I'm not going to cover what everybody else has said, as I think you've gotten some incredibly great advice here. The biggest part of this advice is BREATHE! I have never been one to have massive anxiety issues either, until about 6 months ago. At that time, I was doing the whole "what if" and "worst case scenario" thing too - enough to drive ya crazy, isn't it?! I went to see my family doc about what I thought was an unrelated issue; however, when we sat down & starting really talking about everything, turns out I have been carrying an enormous amount of anxiety within me these last several months. She put me on a relatively minor dosage of anti-anxiety meds & let me tell you, the next time I saw her, I hugged her & just cried. It was like a HUGE weight had been lifted off me, the clouds had parted & the sun was actually THERE again. I can't say with any certainty if this is the answer for you, as I'm not a doctor, but it's certainly worth a shot. Congratulations on the marriage - sounds like you have a wonderful wife...now, take care of you & the rest will come!
ribeena Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Marriage AND moving house are 2 very stressful things - people tend to not realise how much they have such an impact subconciously. Also like you said leading up to the wedding you were very excited, looking forward to it etc, some feelings don't tend to surface until, for instance, after the event itself. As a highly anxious person myself, I think you could benefit from seeking a professional to talk to. I only suggest it because I do and it has really helped me combat alot of issues and negative thoughts. I too have a phobia of flying and am a serial worrier. I also have a pretty over active imagination and I can dream up the worst case scenario for any situation. I also tend to be an extremely negative thinker, insecure and have low self esteem! I think from what you are saying, some of your anxiety could lay in the past - ie, the divorce issues with your parents, flying etc. I think when we are in very highly anxious situations it's very easy to become highly anxious about everything and start self doubting alot. Also you say you're getting into a routine and the days are getting better, this is a good thing, however there may be a chance that you'll reach another dilemma point that may be worse than the first, in which case you'd be better off addressing these issues now. Alot of what we are scared of can cloud our thoughts, doubting the love for your wife for instance, can be a number of reasons that aren't neccessarily to do with how you really feel about your wife. Good luck, your making a positive step in recognising that you need to take some action now.
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