Lyne Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, and married for almost 4 years. Our relationship has never been as easy one, not that relationships ever are. We have had lots of outside things affect us, like family and jobs/finances, and we have also had issues with trust, communication, and sometimes compatibility, as well as problems in the bedroom. A lot of what has been issues over the years for me has been the lack of communication - he shuts me down, he never wants to discuss or deal with anything - and the feeling that I/our life together are at the bottom of his priority list [not telling me he quit a job, not discussing important things with me, lying to me all the time (mostly little things, but a few big ones), making sure his needs/wants are met before anyone else's, before responsibilities, etc] and the issues with sex, or the lack of. Before we got married, we struggled with being a couple; DH had been alone for a number of years, and it took some time to go from that to being in a partnership. While I wasn't always very understanding of this, I tried my best to deal with it; my frustration was the fact that he wouldn't try as well, we just fought about it all the time. I literally had to beg him to do things with me. He always chose stuff before me (like being on his own, doing things only he could/enjoyed) and could never understand what my issue was. I usually didn't handle things well because I met so much resistance from him, and will fully admit that I made things worse; I tried to push my way in, and pry info from him, force him to spend time with me, etc. Somehow, through all of this, we made it to being engaged and planning a wedding. Things never really got resolved; the issues were still there, I just tried to react differently, which wasn't always easy because he kept with the hiding things, and making everything about him. We got married during a bad time, and really, looking back, should have postponed or cancelled it, for he was unemployed and we had many issues to deal with. (He also lied about going to a stripper a week befor ethe weding, where he received 2 lap dances, which he also lied about. I was actually cool with him doing that, so I have no idea why he lied about it). While he quit his job for a valid reason, I wasn't involved in the thought process (and for a few jobs after) and he did so without consideration for us in any way. After the wedding, he was in no rush to get a job, and did nothing around the house. While I understand that being unemployed can be hard, making everything fall on my shoulders just about killed me. We fought whenever we were speaking, and did a lot of the silent treatment. I finally sat down and told him that I had enough, and if things didn't change, I would have to leave. He agreed that it was bad, and agreed to MC. Both the counsellor and us thought it was a 'success' and we actually started communicating better, talking to each other, and things seemed to change for the better. As for the bedroom stuff, things were great in the beginning; yeah we had the usual 'slow' times due to life stuff, but it was never an issue. Before the wedding and after were the worst for us as far as fighting and issues went, so sex was not always as frequently. Then, after we had the counselling, and things started to get back on track, the sex actually suffered. It was down to a few times a month, and sometimes no sex, just fooling around. Which I thought was odd seeing as it was still happening when we were close to spiting up. We have not had sex now for well over a year. Even the fooling around has stopped. We still cuddle, and kiss and stuff, but that's as far as it goes. He has found his own way of coping, with Porn, and we do have talks/arguments about it, and he says he knows it is an issue, but nothing is ever done to fix it. I use to try; I took the advice of making it a priority, and actually working at it. And got refused so many time by him. I can't stand the rejection anymore, so I stopped trying. He use to make excuses for it, and now I don't even get a response. I actually had myself convinced for a while that it wasn't a big deal, and I could live without it. He says I am a control freak, and that I rule the relationship. I feel like I have no say in this relationship, let alone any 'control'. I have changed so much for him, compromised things, gave up things, tried accommodating his feelings and his needs. Mostly everything is done for him; we do what he wants, goes (or doesn't) where he wants, lives the life he wants to. If I get him to 'give in' to something I want (cause it is always a battle) he then expects to be congratulated for it, seeing as he is being such a good guy. And will then use that as an example of how I am the one that controls everything. I cannot even get him to come to bed with me at night, or watch TV with me, the littlest things that would mean so much to me, he wont do. He doesn't know how much I give up to make him happy. I always think of how he will react or feel before bringing stuff up to him, like going places, or things that need to be done, or stuff I want to do. Every time I try to talk to him about something 'important' he flies off the handle. The littlest things send him into a rage, his temper scares me sometimes. There are even times when we are not even fighting, and it isn't even an issue I am talking about (more like a question about something) and he gets so frustrated with me that he flips out; yelling at me, talking down to me, making me feel like an idiot meanwhile it was an innocent question/comment. If we have a fight and he actually apologises, I have to forgive him instantly and be happy-happy, or he gets angry with me. But if the fight is my fault and I apologise, he is allowed to stay mad about it for as long as he wants. I asked him a bit ago to try MC again; and he flat out refused to. Wouldn't give me a 'reason', just said no and that it was a waste of time, and he didn't want to talk to anyone about anything, least of all the bedroom stuff (cause that's how the argument started to lead me to ask). I basically shut down after that, I feel empty and numb. I started spending less time with him and talking with him (leaving him alone, which is what he always wants) and the last few days he has been 'hovering' around me; being annoyingly affectionate, wanting to know everything I am doing. But he wont address anything; he wont ask if anything is wrong, he wont say a word. And I am finding this hard cause his hovering is making me angry, it's bothering me, and all I feel is mad at him. And I tried bringing stuff up the other day, and he got mad right away, so I didn't bother continuing, I just don't have it in me. I am not sure what to do now. I am trying to figure out if it is really over, I feel like if I leave, I am giving up, even though I know I have done all I can. I'm just so lost.
giotto Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Have you got any children? If not, I would suggest to dump him. He has serious issues and he is not prepared to solve them. What are you getting out of this "marriage"? Do you love him? You don't say it anywhere in your post. But how can you love a man like that? To be honest, I'm quite shocked you are still with him when he is treating you like dirt... are you some kind of masochist?
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 What would you do if you weren't married? Take away that legal part and the husband and wife social part. Why would you stay or go? giotto, he likely controls her through her insecurities. Erode a person's self esteem enough and they'll not have the willpower to take action, even though they can identify and qualify that action, as the OP apparently has...
Ronni_W Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Lyne, I'm sorry you're going through this -- "lost and alone" is NOT a good place to live. Have you considered consulting with an individual therapist? That can help to: increase self-esteem & confidence, find out who you are and what you stand for today, determine what YOU really want from life and love, get input on whether or not you have done all you can and, ultimately, make informed decisions about whether or not to stay in this relationship. With or without your husband's participation, it is up to you to take best care possible of your own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs and wants. Best of luck.
Athena Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)... he sounds like a narcissist, and you will not get him to change. You should make plans to leave him. It gets worse with age. Look it up on the Internet.
delajoonal Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 OMG! this is like reading something I WROTE..wow! we are very similar..marriages anyway.. listen, the last few paragraphs you stated H is very short tempered, talking down to you, not even when you are fighting either, but will start a fight and be rude when you are just telling him a simple story or something that happened during your day, even if IT is good..right? well, this is exacly how my DH was acting a few months back...it contiuned to get worse..one day was so bad, he called me a B****, he NEVER called me names every in 13 years of marriage, he also yelled so loud his face turned beet red... he brought home flowers and candy that day to apologize...so i was still hurt, but..moved on... this was another very UNUSUAL thing for him to do( yell and name calling) ...he is very mild mannered, NEVER yelled...so now this was going on for a few weeks, and gradually got worse..i finally said to him, "are you having and affair?" i thought EVEN I WAS crazy to even think that..LOL he denied, BUT never said NO... finally after a about 4 weeks of this dang yelling and walking away from me while i was talking and like i said, even when it was funny stuff, he would say, "omg, T*, i am so sick of this crap?" OK, um, what crap? so i JUST KNEW...i asked him one more time and said he better tell me the TRUTH or i will rip my hair and and HIS! he finally admitted to an online EA...long story short, they never had to time or close enough to have a PA... OW broke IT off after i texted her to stay away, etc.. so...start spying...THERE IS A REASON HE is acting like this...and my gut tells me it is an A or he is trying to find one... my dh and i are seperated now, it has been 2 months since he admitted it, they broke it off immediately after i found out...and he still wants a D...i have succommed to the idea and feel that IT is also for the best. anyway, just start spying, check your cell phone bills, CALL those numbers that don't look familiar, that is how i found OW's number...i heard her ugly voice stating her name etc, and too leave a message...etc...ack! check the emails etc...i also found ONE email, i had caught it just literally one minute after they had made contact...he had been smart enough to delete them prior to this one...but i was right on the heels of this one..they both ended the notes with "LOVE D* and LOVE N*"....aaaaaaa! it was like a knife in my heart...BUT, from there i was determined to find out more..and i did, i got SO much information my dh was actually impressed and scared at the same time..LOL you have TO KNOW before you can make any decisions... start spying!
Juristhea Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Does your husband have the following symptoms of NPD? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder#Classification
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I asked him a bit ago to try MC again; and he flat out refused to. I wouldn't "ask" next time, I'd make it an ultimatum. And if he refuses, I wouldn't waste another day in a soul killing relationship like yours. There's a whole 'nother world out there where people are happy and actually enjoy each other's company, both in and out of the bedroom. Time to join them... Mr. Lucky
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I wouldn't "ask" next time, I'd make it an ultimatum. And if he refuses, I wouldn't waste another day in a soul killing relationship like yours. There's a whole 'nother world out there where people are happy and actually enjoy each other's company, both in and out of the bedroom. Time to join them... Mr. Lucky *wild thunderous applause* I go for this option. I can understand the helplessness and wishing there was something else that could be done to "fix" or "save" the marriage. Nothing ever did. Being on the other side of the divorce, I feel like a completely different person - happy, healthy, and SANE. If he doesn't want to work on the marriage with you alone (yelling when you bring up any issue) or with a counselor, what is the point, really?
delajoonal Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Mr. Lucky...may i take a page from your book? I LOVE this phrase: " There's a whole 'nother world out there where people are happy and actually enjoy each other's company, both in and out of the bedroom. Time to join them..." i love it love it love it....time to join `em...thank you:) have a Fabulous evening!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Mr. Lucky...may i take a page from your book? Take a whole chapter . Although I will admit that my POV is based on 5 additional years I wasted in a dead and dysfunctional first marriage trying to turn water into wine. What I wouldn't give to have that time back! Time is funny. It seems to go by at light speed when you're in a good relationship but each day seems like an eternity when you're stuck in a bad one. Go figure... Mr. Lucky
thegoodlife Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I suggest you leave, no point in continuing to try and make this marriage work if he's not at all willing. And he's been this way since before you even got married, so it doesn't look like he is going to change. It's just how he is and probably always be. You've done all you could, time to walk away now with your head held high and move on to many more years of happiness.
sabrina11 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Like delajoonal, I like Mr Lucky's comment also. I too am in a marriage that is a wasteland. I am ready to leave but I am a deer in the headlights right now because of my 6 year old son. Also, my life is quite convenient (I know that's selfish). But it is a good reminder that relationships are supposed to be enjoyable, not torture! Good luck lyne.
clintsgirl Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Lyne, I am so sadden and hurt to see there is other women out that in the same situtation as myself. It sounds like we have the same man! I mean exact to the "T". Its so easy for other people to say "leave, get out, you deserve better". And I'm gonna guess you feel the same way at times, that you want to leave and you cant handle it anymore. Cause i know the feeling. I know the feeling of being talked down too, arguments over a simple question, no sex life, now its i'm a emotional bag. I'm here for you lyne, i wish i had advice for you, but i cant give advice to you when i'm not taking the same advice given to me. Maybe like me, you are hoping something snaps in his head, that he will wake up one day and change. I was told once, they will never change as long as you let them treat you like this. I have done the same threaten to leave etc, it gets me no where. I have also done the same as you, totally ingnored, acted like his actions didnt bother me, and then the day following, he was up my a**, wanting to know what is wrong. which obviously they know what is wrong but they still choose not to do a thing about it. as long as i'm not bothering him with our relationship issues, he is fine. I'm not allowed to have feelings anymore, i'm just suppose to deal, like you. And also like you i cant deal anymore, or im going to lose my mind. does your H drink? I feel for you lyne, if you ever need anyone to talk to, i know you dont me, but i am here for you, even if you just want to vent to a stranger. i know the feeling
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Its so easy for other people to say "leave, get out, you deserve better". While the arc is different for everyone, eventually you learn to understand the difference between two things: - That which we wish were true - That which we know is true When you get your mind around the second concept - and I agree, it's different for everyone - then staying in that kind of relationship isn't an option. I hope things work out for you... Mr. Lucky
Juristhea Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 While the arc is different for everyone, eventually you learn to understand the difference between two things: - That which we wish were true - That which we know is true When you get your mind around the second concept - and I agree, it's different for everyone - then staying in that kind of relationship isn't an option. I hope things work out for you... Mr. Lucky Yeah I definitely agree with you. People really think that leaving is sometimes not an option when it really is and people believe that things can still be fixed when they can't be fixed anymore. Martyr as it may sound but often times we just have to do those things when we really don't have a choice to do them anymore.
Touche Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Our relationship has never been as easy one, not that relationships ever are./QUOTE] That should have been your first clue that you are both not a match. Good relationships ARE easy. Even when two people in a good relationship don't see eye to eye it's not THAT hard to compromise and come to an agreement. I'm very sorry you're going through what you are but it doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage here to lose. I was once in your shoes. Don't waste more time with someone who really isn't a partner for life. Trust me, there's way better out there for you.
Lucky_One Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I wouldn't "ask" next time, I'd make it an ultimatum. And if he refuses, I wouldn't waste another day in a soul killing relationship like yours. There's a whole 'nother world out there where people are happy and actually enjoy each other's company, both in and out of the bedroom. Time to join them... Mr. Lucky Yep. Sounds like he could be having an affair. I don't know a man under the age of 50 who would go an entire year without sex.
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