syd Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I have been dating this guy for almost 9 months and I know that he loves me and we have even talked about marriage in the future but he seems to get scared and pulls away from the relationship sometimes. I know that he suffers from attachment disorder because of his childhood, he was put up for adoption and then his adopted mother died when he was in his teens, and he hasnt really had anyone to count on since. We are not trying to rush into marriage so I dont think its the fear of that, but I dont know how to help him get through it. I love him with all my heart and I do want to marry him one day so I guess I need help figuring out a way to let him know that I will always be here for him and that I dont ever want to leave him, like he says everyone else did.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 ...to let him know that I will always be here for him and that I dont ever want to leave him... All you can do is communicate that to him and back it up with your actions. If his problem is affecting the relationship negatively, he might need counseling to learn how to relate to people in a healthy, nondisordered way. Don't let your needs go unmet because of his problems -- that's a mistake a lot of women, in particular, make. It doesn't do you or him any service. I speak from experience.
popey Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Syd, if he has issues from his childhood that he hasn't come to terms with, he will IMO, continue to try to work them out through his relationships. This can be a never-ending struggle for both of you however, if there are lingering emotional issues about his childhood that he does not address for what they are. On your end, I can tell you that what I've come to understand as a need every person has, is honest listening and validation of there true feelings. And you can choose to offer him that. On his end, if he has issues from his childhood, he needs to face it, and allow himself to feel the hurt he had to protect himself from when he was a helpless child. Then he can move on with the clear realization that he is now an adult who can be vulnerable w/o feeling being frighteningly powerless in relationships. make sense?
bean1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 If he is actually diagnosed with attachment disorder he would require a lifetime of intensive ongoing therapy. Is this an actual diagnosis or a self-diagnosis? It is a very crippling disorder and rarely (if ever) leads to a healthy adult relationship.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I have been dating this guy for almost 9 months and I know that he loves me and we have even talked about marriage in the future but he seems to get scared and pulls away from the relationship sometimes. I know that he suffers from attachment disorder because of his childhood, he was put up for adoption and then his adopted mother died when he was in his teens, and he hasnt really had anyone to count on since. We are not trying to rush into marriage so I dont think its the fear of that, but I dont know how to help him get through it. I love him with all my heart and I do want to marry him one day so I guess I need help figuring out a way to let him know that I will always be here for him and that I dont ever want to leave him, like he says everyone else did. I've taken the liberty of giving you this link so it may help you. http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/You%27re_Not_Alone.htm
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I really think that nothing YOU do is going to help this guy. It would be good for him to get individual counseling to deal with his past, but then also for you two to get couple's counseling so that he can learn to deal with the present. It's not fair that you should have to pay for his past. The reason I say it like that is him using manipulative words that would make you say: I dont ever want to leave him, like he says everyone else did. HELLO, guilt trip. My XH used the abandonment card on me a lot. And when I finally gave up on trying to prove my love to him (which could never be done because he didn't love HIMSELF), he accused me of "giving up" after trying EVERYTHING already. But anyway...you really should look at counseling if this is going to be moved past. I really, honestly believe you will not get past this without professional help. You cannot convince somebody they are worthy of love - they have to discover it themselves. http://www.attachmentexperts.com/adultcouple.html
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Apparently, soulsearch is right. He needs to deal with this on his own. And then the couples counselling can come next.
Author syd Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 If he is actually diagnosed with attachment disorder he would require a lifetime of intensive ongoing therapy. Is this an actual diagnosis or a self-diagnosis? It is a very crippling disorder and rarely (if ever) leads to a healthy adult relationship. He actually does talk to a therapist every once in a while, its not an on going thing though. He has actually been diagnosed with attachment disorder.
Author syd Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Thank you everyone for your advice. He and I have already talked about couples counseling and we are both up for it, so maybe talking to the therapist on his own will also help.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Thank you everyone for your advice. He and I have already talked about couples counseling and we are both up for it, so maybe talking to the therapist on his own will also help. Yeah, that def. might help. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who has childhood issues that they are still struggling with, esp. attachment disorders? Do you know what kind he has? There are like 3 of them.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Yeah, that def. might help. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who has childhood issues that they are still struggling with, esp. attachment disorders? Do you know what kind he has? There are like 3 of them. i think its the one where it deals with female abandonment.
Author syd Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I dont really know a whole lot about the different types but I think its either the resistant or avoidant type.
Juristhea Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I dont really know a whole lot about the different types but I think its either the resistant or avoidant type. Wikipedia is our friend: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_disorder#Classification Hope that helps.
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