skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Hey, my fiancee/girlfriend of near six years have just gone on a break. Her relationship with her father has really soured since before christmas (they were previously close) and she really hates her job. For the past month or so her mood has noticeably changed, i asked her to talk about it, if it was her parents problems, work, us? In the previous years we were together she would get depressed occasionally and shut off. Finally 11 days ago i snapped and asked what was wrong, she blurted out she needed space and felt claustraphobic (she may have said more but i became angry). When she said this i became angry and said if that is what she wanted she could have it and suggested i move back to my parents there and then (10pm). Next morning i drove over to confront her (you don't think rationally when you're angry). We talked a little bit, not much because she was going to work soon. We arranged to meet that saturday to talk, i put on my happy face and kept things as light and friendly as possible. Told her i loved her and saw myself spending the rest of my life with her but realised that this might not be her plan. She cried a bit and told me more stuff about her dad and family situation (not good). Anyway we bought a car together so she could learn to drive so i dropped that over to her place on monday and collected the bulk of my stuff on tuesday. Things are tough but i hope she comes back into my life. Pointers or happy endings anyone???
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe she just wanted some time alone to deal with her family problems and she clearly doesnt want to involve you in anyway possible, hence the distance. The best thing that you can do is just to give her the space that she asks, but it wouldnt hurt to try and call her every once in a while. This is an assurance on her part that you're still there for her and you're ready to take her back anytime.
hopesndreams Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 How long living together? I think that running off to move back in with your parents after getting angry and having an argument was not such a good idea, and then you will be getting the rest of your stuff on Tuesday pretty much says you don't care and that it's over. These actions communicate to her that when she needs your support the most, you are just not there for her. here's a pointer ---- don't turn tail and run if you want the relationship to work
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 How long living together? I think that running off to move back in with your parents after getting angry and having an argument was not such a good idea, and then you will be getting the rest of your stuff on Tuesday pretty much says you don't care and that it's over. These actions communicate to her that when she needs your support the most, you are just not there for her. here's a pointer ---- don't turn tail and run if you want the relationship to work Yeah, I also failed to notice that part about running away in the middle of the fight... I think it's still not too late to fix things...
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Actually never thought of that. Thing is though, she asked for a break last january and we went on a break for a few weeks two years ago. Guess i just got frustrated, in the previous weeks i asked what was wrong and got no reply. I thought it made no sense sharing the same bed that night after she said that. We have been living together for maybe 5 1/2 years, first with a gang of friends and as a couple for the past 4. During our first break i was all needy and desperate but it was only when i grew cold towards her that she came back. Part of me thinks the current break is external pressures, another part thinks that maybe we have run our course (hope not). I rang her mother last week to see if she was ok. Told mother that i was worried about girlfriend but couldn't ring as i didn't want to crowd her. The mother said that she seemed ok but that my girlfriend and her father had a huge row on saturday night. Mother said the family missed me but thinks the best i can do is give her space. Anyway, haven't heard from her properly in 10 days (when i left car back), she's over in holland now with her sister and cousins. Really miss her.
Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I think you should move out of your folks place ASAP. Get your own place and show her that you are strong and independant, thats what im gonna do too. Moving back here was a big step back for me, even though its not IN my parents house, its next door. Family can be great, but sometimes they dont understand fully... It seems to me like her father may be influencing some of her feelings towards you. Maybe he thinks that she should be focusing on her job, and that you are a distraction....maybe he thinks that you are not helping her focus? I know you are, and you try too, but sometimes they dont see it that way for whatever reason. You must also remember that times are changing, we all think differently from our parents as far a social and family matters are. its the natural process of evolution- you parents think different from their parents and so on. how do you and her dad get along? I know from my own experiences that living with others is not good when your in such a close relationship, although in some respects i does make you stronger, it can also wreak havock in other aspects of the relationship. Gossip is biatch too.... My ex fiance says that she felt we had run our course, the relationship was stagnant etc etc. I have to agree on some levels, but i allways found myself coming back to loving her more and more each time. Hell, i still do love her, all i want to do is make it work. You just have to hope that she will realise the same too.... Its so hard knowing what to do, i understand this. Its all very well getting peoples advice on here, and in a way this has been my life line right now. You just need to remember to follow your heart first, your head second, and other peoples advice third. Mix them all together (shaken-not stirred) and see what you can make of the situation. After all, no one knows our current partners better than we ourselves do right? Or at least that what it seems, until our fiances (possibly ex...) do something that is out of character... It hurts so much when they are cold to you, and you just wonder to yourself ''where did that love go?''.... What will be will be. As far as NC goes, I do think that it can be taken to far. I dont believe in 2 chances, hell no, i think that you should give each other as many chances as your heart and love allows. Sometimes relationships have to be broken before they can get repaired, contradictory to many people beliefs on this site that once its bust, its bust. Just keep positive and hope for the best, EAT breakfast, trust me this helps in the morning, even if you dont feel like it, it helps you to start the day with some fuel for all those mental thoughts you are having 24/7... I really hope you guys work things out, if you have been together for that long, its obvious that you are doing something right. Trust me, we are in the same boat.
andy2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 After all, no one knows our current partners better than we ourselves do right? I dont believe in 2 chances, hell no, i think that you should give each other as many chances as your heart and love allows. Sometimes relationships have to be broken before they can get repaired, contradictory to many people beliefs on this site that once its bust, its bust. I am with you guys pool too. Very well said, Soul Bear, I am totally agree with you.
Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Well it makes sense, there are people on this site, and i have read in some posts that they are still not over their love from 10 years ago!! Why is that? Because they listened to other peoples advice not to chase, to let go completely and delete her/him from your life. When all the time it could have been the case that, that one last chance could have been the one that actually made you both find a new found respect and love for each other... So yes, do adhere to what people are saying here, but follow your heart first, head second, and other peoples advice third.
Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 For the people who say ''once its broken it's broken''..... Not true. Love is not a piece of fine china that looks crap when its glued back up. Neutrons and protons break apart and go together again, to form stronger particles and atmospheres. I know that you are trying to help people heal, but my above post still holds true. After all, we have nothing to lose by trying again. Nothing at all.
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I really like her dad and i assume he likes me. The whole dynamic in their house is weird and the father has huge issues from his childhood that he never faced. She had a huge row with her father before christmas and ever since then more and more weird stuff came out about him. For almost two weeks he talked to noone in the house, including me, weird. Also during my girlfriends birthday (march) he acted very distant towards her. Tension that night was unbelieveable. My father died two years ago (cancer) and my mother lives alone in a huge house so i think this is an ok move for the moment. Before christmas girlfriend told me she missed my dad and wished he was still alive beacause when we have kids she wants one of the grandfathers to be "right in the head". I think the anger towards her dad is understandable (heard some very strange crap) but its poisoning her and might cause nervous breakdown. I feel bad for her dad, his past was not ideal, but i'm angry that his behaviour is damaging the woman i love.
Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 My fiance is an Aries too.... Are you a Leo by any chance Skreen? Somethings in the air with Aries women recently....tis troubled times my friend. hold strong
Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Before christmas girlfriend told me she missed my dad and wished he was still alive beacause when we have kids she wants one of the grandfathers to be "right in the head". I think the anger towards her dad is understandable (heard some very strange crap) but its poisoning her and might cause nervous breakdown. I feel bad for her dad, his past was not ideal, but i'm angry that his behaviour is damaging the woman i love. As people age, they do mellow out. Trust me on this. Sometimes when things have gone wrong in the past with their lives, they want to make up for it with their grandchildern My family is a prime example of this. My dad and his dad never got on, but when we were born, my brothers and I, my grandpa changed for the better. He treated us as if he almost was making up for the way he treated his son. He showed nothing but love and care for us, and I miss him terribly when he died. He only reconciled his relationship with my dad a few years before he died. My heart goes out to you brother man
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 She's a pisces, i'm an aries, not really a huge believer in star signs though. Her dad was an orphan, other things happened to him there that were not good and i reckon damaged him. Me and my father never really got on until a few months before he died. Only really realised how much we were alike in the last 3/4 years. My sister and i would have massive rows with dad but then they were finished and the most part forgotten. My girlfriend has a row before christmas and he still seems to hold it against her, weird. I suggested to her, her sister and mother to get him to go to councelling but they don't believe he'll agree to it. My father was relatively young when he died and i realised life is just too short to hold on to crap. I regret things i said and didn't say to my dad before he died, i don't want her to make the same mistake.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 She's a pisces, i'm an aries, not really a huge believer in star signs though. Her dad was an orphan, other things happened to him there that were not good and i reckon damaged him. Me and my father never really got on until a few months before he died. Only really realised how much we were alike in the last 3/4 years. My sister and i would have massive rows with dad but then they were finished and the most part forgotten. My girlfriend has a row before christmas and he still seems to hold it against her, weird. I suggested to her, her sister and mother to get him to go to councelling but they don't believe he'll agree to it. My father was relatively young when he died and i realised life is just too short to hold on to crap. I regret things i said and didn't say to my dad before he died, i don't want her to make the same mistake. I guess she will only realize that once her father's gone. Death changes your perspective for that someone who passed away. All the negative emotions will be wiped away, only to be replaced by grief and regret. It's a tough job but if time comes, you have to tell her to confront her dad. Also out of curiosity, was her dad pissed at her because of your relationship with her? i mean most fathers would hold a grudge against their daughters if they didnt approve of who their daughter has for a boyfriend / fiance...
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 No, as far as i know he approves of me and we normally get on quite well. When me and my girlfriend met first she was close to her father and distant to her mother. She told me that her dad would tell her stuff about his problems with his wife (girlfriends mother). After christmas turns out all of this stuff was all crap. I can't understand why a father would unload his marriage problems on his daughters (since my girlfriend and sister were teenagers). I think my girlfriend is angry at him for doing this to her. She and her sister told the mother this recently and think this has destroyed the marriage. Why would a dad do this, kids need a stable(ish) homelife, what was he thinking.
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Well i just had a chat with her mother (we get on well). I asked her if she thought if it would be a good idea if i sent her a letter. She said no as it may "undo all the good work so far" ie.the space. I asked if she thought that this was her way of breaking up with me. She said she wasn't sure but didn't think so. She thinks that she needs time to assert her independence and have some fun "with the girls" ie. her sister and two cousins. This makes sense as we had conversations along this line in the past. I think she needs to "find herself" and test her abilities on her own. I just hope that there's room for me at the end of the process.
hopesndreams Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Well i just had a chat with her mother (we get on well). Why are you going to her mother with questions about the relationship you are having with her daughter? Why aren't you communicating with your girlfriend? If you really believe she will just have fun "with the girls" you are in for a rude awakening.
Author skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I needed a different perspective on things, her mother trusts me as i her. She has confided with me about her marriage problems a few times. I trust my girlfriend not to cheat on me and if she does what can i do about it??? I can't see any other option but to give her the space she needs, anything else i do may drive her away. For some reason i have faith she will come back, maybe i'm right, maybe wrong.
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