purplepoodle Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I am not sure if this is the right section for this or not. If it is not, I apologize. I met this guy through mutual friends a few months ago. He is notorious for having long term FWB situations. That was what I was looking for too, so we hooked up. We had a great time and he was talking like it was going to be a long term FWB thing as neither of us were looking for anything more. He remembered everything I said, no matter how small, paid for everything and was very cuddly and affectionate. We have a lot in common and a lot of the same beliefs, he was the one that pointed all of this out. After having sex a few times and hanging out quite a bit, he just stopped wanting to have sex with me. We still talk every few weeks and he's still very affectionate when he sees me, but does not want to have sex with me. What I am trying to figure out I guess is did I do something wrong that would make someone want to change so drastically from what was originally planned? I know for a fact that it's not that he found a girlfriend or someone he's interested in in that sense, because then I would understand. Thank you for reading this and any thoughts would be appreciated.
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't think you did anything wrong if he still wants to be your friend. Maybe you just weren't compatible in bed? You could always just ask him what's up.
Author purplepoodle Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 We were actually very compatable in bed. The sex was pretty good for both of us. After the first time, he was going on and on about how amazing it was and how amazing I was.
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Not to be harsh...but why would a guy give up no strings attached awesome sex? It obviously isn't your personality or whatever, because he still talks with you....That's why I said to ask him. I had a guy break up with me the first time we had sex....But right afterwards he talked about how great it was, etc. As I was driving home, he called and said "let's just be friends!." He had a tiny penis though, so it was no big loss....but still embarrassing to get dumped like that!
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 How do you know "for a fact" that he's not interested in someone else?
Author purplepoodle Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 How do you know "for a fact" that he's not interested in someone else? I guess I don't know for a fact, but he is still extremely affectionate (i.e. kissing, arms around me ect...) when we see each other. I'm just assuming that he wouldn't continue those things if there was such an interest in a relationship with someone else that it would cause him to stop wanting to go any further then that
bean1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I guess I don't know for a fact, but he is still extremely affectionate (i.e. kissing, arms around me ect...) when we see each other. I'm just assuming that he wouldn't continue those things if there was such an interest in a relationship with someone else that it would cause him to stop wanting to go any further then that You said he has had many long-term FWB relationships so I think this is a man who can easily separate sex and any emotion (moreso than the average man as opposed to a woman). I would wager that you are putting meaning into the kissing/arms around you when to HIM.. it doesn't mean a thing... sorry.
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Yep, actions can be tools rather than manifestations of emotions. IOW, and I'm sure women do this too, I can hug someone or kiss them because I know such things make them feel good rather than giving me any personal physical pleasure. Carried to a narcissistic extreme, they become tools of feeding my selfishness and the person becomes irrelevant. IMO, the progression indicates to me that he has you on simmer. He inputs just enough heat to keep you interested. Maybe he'll have use for you later. Women have done this to me plenty over the years. I still see it go on, but recognize it for what it is and don't attach significant meaning anymore.
dreamergrl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe he is having sex with someone else, but is keeping you around just in case that fwb situation doesn't work out.
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 So, the "friendship" is probably not even real it's just an attempt to keep me around in case he needs to get laid one day?
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Well, friends are proactive about being interested in your life, times, family and interests. Tell me those are the topics of inquiry when you and he interact and how consistent that contact is....
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Well, friends are proactive about being interested in your life, times, family and interests. Tell me those are the topics of inquiry when you and he interact and how consistent that contact is.... He is interested in my life and asks a lot of questions, but the contact is not very frequent. Maybe once every few weeks other then when we run into each other places. OMG! You're right!! I was a glorified week stand! LOL To bad he felt the need to play it up and buy everything for me when I already planned on sleeping with him anyway Do I tell him to leave me alone or jusy let it die?
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I'd suggest a neutral stance... Oh, I did forget one other test. Friends remember things about each other, things of importance; often obscure things. Men and women who are smooth talkers can gloss over their lack of concern or memory, but, if you listen carefully, you can see patterns, just like with liars. It's an interesting world
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I'd suggest a neutral stance... Oh, I did forget one other test. Friends remember things about each other, things of importance; often obscure things. Men and women who are smooth talkers can gloss over their lack of concern or memory, but, if you listen carefully, you can see patterns, just like with liars. It's an interesting world He remembers EVERY small detail, from my favorite movie to things that I never even told him about me but he heard in conversations with other people
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Either he is extremely intelligent (and in a devious way) or I'm going to have to change my opinion here. I'll leave my neutral stance advice standing for now...... no encouragement and no discouragement and no sex
tkgirl Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 no offense but this thread really confirms my belief that FWB situations are a bunch of crap... someone always ends up hurt... and it's usually the women!
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Either he is extremely intelligent (and in a devious way) or I'm going to have to change my opinion here. I'll leave my neutral stance advice standing for now...... no encouragement and no discouragement and no sex Definitely no sex. If it's all legit, great, but if it is not and I am being kept on the back burner for sex, I do not ever want to speak to him again. Your advice is talk to him if he talks to me, but do not initiate any contact or anything on my own?
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Let's hang on to the possibility that perhaps there's something else going on here now and the OP is contemplating that. Just an instinct. OP, if you had started a FWB-type deal and then, after getting in, had changed your mind and found the potential for something more intimate, would you pull back to reconsider? I can say, from a guy's POV, when I'm hit with a potential for real intimacy, I do get this sense of wanting to disengage for a bit while I analyze that. I know nothing of FWB and how that would affect those potentials. At this juncture, assume you did nothing wrong and the guy is chewing on something, if anything... hmmm
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Let's hang on to the possibility that perhaps there's something else going on here now and the OP is contemplating that. Just an instinct. OP, if you had started a FWB-type deal and then, after getting in, had changed your mind and found the potential for something more intimate, would you pull back to reconsider? I can say, from a guy's POV, when I'm hit with a potential for real intimacy, I do get this sense of wanting to disengage for a bit while I analyze that. I know nothing of FWB and how that would affect those potentials. At this juncture, assume you did nothing wrong and the guy is chewing on something, if anything... hmmm I think if that was the case, something about it would have surfaced by now. I think I should assume I did nothing wrong and just stop talking to him as I am not going to be kept on hold for a horny night
carhill Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Be open to the possibility that he might approach you differently. Stranger things have happened Entertain other young men's attention and let things ride for now...
normal Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 By the way you described it, it sounded more like dating than a FWB relationship. Maybe he didn't want a long term FWB relationship. Maybe he just wanted to get off a couple times. Maybe the sex wasn't as good as he had hoped for (which would be my guess, as most men don't just give up great sex). ...Maybe it was your assumptive personality clashing with his?
normal Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 So, the "friendship" is probably not even real it's just an attempt to keep me around in case he needs to get laid one day? And yes, I agree with dreamer.
Author purplepoodle Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 By the way you described it, it sounded more like dating than a FWB relationship. Maybe he didn't want a long term FWB relationship. Maybe he just wanted to get off a couple times. Maybe the sex wasn't as good as he had hoped for (which would be my guess, as most men don't just give up great sex). ...Maybe it was your assumptive personality clashing with his? It was not dating He claimed to want a long term FWB thing I agree now that he just wanted to get off a few times, but made it seem like the friendship was more important Maybe it wasn't and that is the answer, I will never know What exactly did I assume in this situation? I don't feel I assumed anything, I based everything on what I was told by him
normal Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 It was not dating He claimed to want a long term FWB thing I agree now that he just wanted to get off a few times, but made it seem like the friendship was more important Maybe it wasn't and that is the answer, I will never know What exactly did I assume in this situation? I don't feel I assumed anything, I based everything on what I was told by him That the sex was great, that he's not interested in anyone else and that he's not just using you. Don't be fooled by the way he acts. He can act however he chooses, he can say whatever he wants. You are in a FWB relationship, not a relationship based around trust. Which means that there are absolutely no strings attached. He can break it off whenever he wants, he can treat you as badly as he wants. The "friend" part is underrated in FWB, and I don't think a lot of people mean they want a REAL friendship, more than just sex with NSA. In any case, if the emotions get in the way I would suggest going for casual dating instead of FWB relationships.
Recommended Posts