CantGetItRite Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Gonna try to make it short. I dated a guy for 5 years. We had a house together and it's like we were married. I told him I really didn't want to get married or have kids, but he did. So eventually we split up. A year later he's married and the girl is pregnant. We're still the best of friends, she doesn't know, and now he says he wished he would've at least taken the chance and asked me. Skip to 2 years later...... Dated a guy for about 2 years. We lived together and it was an OK relationship. He was really into me, but then I find out he was meeting people online for hook ups. We break up. About 1.5 years later I hear he's married. Skip to a year later...... Dated this guy for 4 years. We never lived together, but he said he wanted to eventually, it just never happened. He was a pretty selfish guy now that I look back. We split up the day after V-Day this year and I hear he's already dating someone else and has bought her flowers on 3 occasions. He NEVER bought me anything the first 2 years we were dating. So, he'll probably end up marrying her just like the others have. My first ex is the best guy I've ever dated, the second one was just a prick, and this last one I really do love but he's so damn selfish and inconsiderate to me I thought leaving would make him realize, but nope! He just moved on like I was nothing and being so nice to this new one after I suffered through 4 years waiting on him to just be nice to me. I look back and am glad I didn't get married since I didn't really want to, but why wouldn't they have at least asked? Makes me ask just what the hell is wrong with me. Or is this a pretty common occurrence?
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 You remind me of my ex GF. She broke up with me for being "selfish" (though in an email the day before she broke up with me, she said "I don't think you're a selfish pig." Ahem.) , but now I don't feel so bad because I realize she broke off 2 engagements and broke up with a number of BF's. I can't speak for you, but I will say that my ex is a little too demanding for her own good. Looking for hook-ups is pretty gross, so you're right there, you should have broke up with him, and someone not buying you something for 2 years? OK, really, shouldn't you have evaluated that relationship about 6 months into it? IDK, I'm really not trying to say anything is your fault, but you did say you didn't want to get married, no?
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 No, I'm not demanding at all. And this last guy I thought about ending it for about a year but just couldn't do it. When I say buy me things, I'm talking like ANYTHING. A x-mas card even. It was very strange to me to be dating someone for a few years and not even get a cheap bunch of flowers for my b-day or something. I would get him things, nothing expensive, but just things to show I loved him. I knew he was selfish but thought maybe he would "get it together" and start to realize how crappy he treated me, hence the 4 years. It was really time for it to end, but thought he would at least miss me a bit. And yes, looking back I'm glad I didn't get married but still, they never even gave me the option. Maybe I'm just the girl that guys like to date and kill time until they find someone they feel is better?
Trialbyfire Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It's not often you're going to get anyone who will put out more effort, if they can get away with minimal effort. For that matter, even if you expect more, you're not always going to get the effort. So...I guess I'm saying that if you expect more from someone, they're more likely but not guaranteed to rise to the bar. Having said that, if you didn't want to marry them, what difference does it make that they didn't propose? It's just an issue of pride and ego, something you're going to have to address within you v. expecting that someone else can fuel it.
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Well...It sounds like the first guy would have married you, but you told him that isn't what you wanted...So he didn't push the issue. I wonder if you didn't make off handed comments to the others, or just give the impression that you weren't looking for marriage. Also depending on your age...some of those guys are probably just getting to the age where they want to settle down.
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I tell men at the beginning I really don't have a desire to ever get married, and it's true, but then I'll "entertain" the thought during the relationship as most people do I suspect, and even brought it up to the last one. He didn't even want us to live together though. Of course I'm glad now that I look back, but maybe at the time, in the moment, it could've been different? I just don't understand why I'm not taken seriously and the other women are? I'm not some big goof and am attractive, I have many men I could date but justgot out of a relationship and am just not in the mood for all the dating rhetoric.
Kamille Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 For one thing, if you are one who does entertain the thought of getting married, stop telling men you don't have a desire to get married. Why would you say one thing and mean another?
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 If you were a guy and weren't looking to get married, who would you continue dating, the girl who says she doesn't want to get married or the girl who appears ready to settle down? If a guy sticks around after a statement like that, you can bet he's not looking at you as marriage material. So, regardless of what you think, since you tend to "entertain" differing thoughts partway into the relationship, what do you make certain you don't say? Yes, that's right, you don't say "I don't have a desire to get married"!!!
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I don't know why I do that. I'm 35 and the men are 4-5 years younger than me. Not on purpose, I don't card people I meet and it has just turned out they are younger. I really don't think I will ever get married and feel the need to share that with them, but when you feel all "in love" my mind starts to change. What man wants to hear that this woman has marriage and kids on her mind from the get go anyways? Maybe I need to just shut my pie hole and not discuss my feelings on marriage for the first year if it goes that far? But still, I think if someone really took me seriously they would've at least brought it up with me right?
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe I need to just shut my pie hole I recommend you engrave your above comment into your psychy!
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 What man wants to hear that this woman has marriage and kids on her mind from the get go anyways? The type that wants to get married and have kids...There is nothing weird about saying you want to get married and have children in the future. I don't think any guy is going to run from that unless you are insistent on it being right at that second. Most people like knowing where you stand...and being upfront about what you want, weeds out people that don't have similar goals.
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 WOW Trial, I didn't see your reply before my last post. You're probably right. I'll just STFU about it and we'll see how it goes. Although I really don't think I'll ever want to get married, but I've been jaded for years now. I come from a family of multiple divorces and that really has altered my view of marriage and children. Hate to play the "blame my family" game, but it's the truth.
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You know from personal experience that you'll change your mind about marriage, while in a relationship. All you're doing is self-sabotaging any possibilities. So...stop the self-sabotage. Put a sock in it!
Kamille Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't know why I do that. I'm 35 and the men are 4-5 years younger than me. Not on purpose, I don't card people I meet and it has just turned out they are younger. I really don't think I will ever get married and feel the need to share that with them, but when you feel all "in love" my mind starts to change. What man wants to hear that this woman has marriage and kids on her mind from the get go anyways? Maybe I need to just shut my pie hole and not discuss my feelings on marriage for the first year if it goes that far? But still, I think if someone really took me seriously they would've at least brought it up with me right? I once read an e-book that had the excellent caption: do you really believe men are afraid of commitment? Then you're no doubt fueling your own bad luck in dating. Look around: men get married, hold steady commited relationships, fall in love. Clearly, some men, the majority, want to find the love of their life and settle down. So stop treating men like fragile being you have to tiptoe around and start treating them like MEN. Free-willed beings who want love, serious relationships and commitment as much as you do and who know when they want it.
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 And would like to add a little "dating advice" for women. If men hear you say, "I don't want to get married and have kids, just not really my thing." you'll have a damn stable of men wanting to date you, but you'll end up frustrated like me so beware! Good just to meet men to date, but don't get attached.
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Pssshhhttt, why go to the effort of making shyte up. Just stand on a street corner, with a low cut top and a short, short skirt, with a big sign that says, I'll do you for free!
Author CantGetItRite Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Damn, why you gotta be so rational Trial? I'm really glad I signed up here tho. I didn't want to unload this on my friends and it's funny how complete strangers can shed light on situations in ways you never realized. Still, it has messed with my emotions and self esteem over the years, but everyone here is right it was my own stupid fault! Thanks to everyone.
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