herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Some of those consequences should not include being abused or being put on probation for life. Some BS hold the WS on the cross and guilt them forever after having an affair. That is abusive. Don't stay with a WS if you are not truly willing to forgive and move forward. I have known BS personally who punish and abuse their spouse for cheating as opposed to really trying to start the healing process. I do not believe in abuse for any reason and that was the point I was making. I have never stayed with a cheater and I believe those who do are willing to risk it happening it again. If the WS is being abused, then they can always leave. Why would a WS stay if their BS isn't willing to work on the marriage?
MizzBlue72 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You are going to get SO many mixed answers, but I will tell you what my therapist told me: NO. DO NOT TELL HIM. Now - in my situation, I was divorcing anyway, so this would only have hurt him. YOU have to do what you feel is right. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You are going to get SO many mixed answers, but I will tell you what my therapist told me: NO. DO NOT TELL HIM. Now - in my situation, I was divorcing anyway, so this would only have hurt him. YOU have to do what you feel is right. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. She felt it was right to cheat, it is already clear she will do what "she feels is right"
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 This really could blow up in my face...and soon. The answer to your dilemma may be as simple as whether you'd rather he hear it from you or from someone else. And don't think that just because your AP's wife hasn't outed you to your (or your H's) face means that she hasn't told other people. And maybe numerous other people. In a small circle of friends and associates, the following old Chinese saying is true: Three people can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead ... Mr. Lucky
seibert253 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Look at it this way; if your husband was the one cheating, would you rather he admit it to you and beg for forgiveness, or would you rather he lie and deceive you, (possibly for years), until someone else tells you. I can tell you this; if my wife committed an affair, then came to me right after ending it, admitted everything, and was totally honest about it, I would be more inclined to forgive, work on repairing the damage, and moving forward. If I found out from a third party after the fact, and found she was lying and covering this up, even if the affair was long over and she was now committed to me, I would divorce her because I would never ever be able to trust her again.
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Or look at it this way.. let's say your H had a short-term A (like the one you had)..or a ONS and would not cheat again (like you).. would you rather have him confess and make your life miserable from now on.. and destroy all you have... or would you rather not know and continue to be happy like before.. since it was something that he wouldn't do again. I bet you wouldn't want to know.. Why hurt someone and make everyone's life miserable for a stupid mistake..
lkjh Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Lizzie most people would want to know and second this was not a mistake. SB, just do the right thing already. Otherwise you don't love your H, you are just using him. Love is about putting the other person first.
boldjack Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Lizz, you know better than that. An affair is NOT a mistake, it is a deliberate act of dishonesty and abuse. Of course, the OP should tell the truth. You can't cure a dishonest person by adding more dishonesty any more than you cure cancer by adding more cancer cells. This type of thinking is the reason that there is cheating in the first place. Cheaters believe that selfish gratification is more important than integrity or justice. They are flawed persons who can never truly love, because they know no truth, only vanity. The Op needs to make up her mind, is she a good, honest person, or is she a lying , cheater.
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Lizz, you know better than that. An affair is NOT a mistake, it is a deliberate act of dishonesty and abuse. Of course, the OP should tell the truth. You can't cure a dishonest person by adding more dishonesty any more than you cure cancer by adding more cancer cells. This type of thinking is the reason that there is cheating in the first place. Cheaters believe that selfish gratification is more important than integrity or justice. They are flawed persons who can never truly love, because they know no truth, only vanity. The Op needs to make up her mind, is she a good, honest person, or is she a lying , cheater. Well said. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire and expect it to go out.
stuckinoz Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I say NO. Don't tell him. But you do have to ask yourself, if the tables were turned, Would YOU want to know? (I don't say this in a malicious manner) But you are ultimately the one that has to live with him & yourself & whatever guilt you may feel. Personally, I wouldn't say anything. Work on your marriage.....Stay true to your husband from here on out.....
boldjack Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Sb, You should be thinking about your H above everything else. You are his wife, don't you know whether he would want to know about this or not? Also, do NOT think that this will go away , SOMEONE IS going to "out", you. His W may not, but how many woman would'nt tell someone else? She will tell a friend, SHE will tell a friend etc. It will almost certainly get back to your H, especially if you live in a close community. Morally, you know that you should, for your marriage's sake you know that you should, what else is there?
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 if she dont tell him the truth of what she's doing that is still an lie of omission! it's still based on a lie! What a idiot! I mean theorhetically. If you dont tell your husband and he finds out by other means it only get worse. dont be stupid!
HEY LOVE Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Wifey could very well tell your hubby,this is right up my ally.It took me 2 years to come across hubby long story short they are now divorced,and hubby and I are great friends.
John Who Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If you can live with it and keep it a secret...but then again you will always have to be wondering if om wife is going to bust your bubble and tell your husband. I told my W and we are now divorced.
stuckinoz Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 if she dont tell him the truth of what she's doing that is still an lie of omission! it's still based on a lie! What a idiot! I mean theorhetically. If you dont tell your husband and he finds out by other means it only get worse. dont be stupid! BUT ~ What if he never finds out. Is it not possible to not tell & just bury it. We've all lied to our spouses at one point or another - It happens. Little ones, and some big ones. IT HAPPENS. If the marriage can be salvaged & you don't have to tell to get it to there.........DON'T TELL.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Long story short, his wife discovered the affair (after it was over), and they are reconciling. She has not told my husband, but I know she could at any time. Its only a matter of time before your husband finds out. Best to tell him yourself. only reason you wouldn't tell him is out of selfishness and cowardice. Because he deserves to know to what he is married. Also (and this makes me disgusted with myself), my husband is in the same program. We all hang out together (except my AP -- he is in full NC). He does wonderful things for me. another good man completely dumped on. He has no idea. thats because he is a trusting, wonderful man who probably holds you in the highest regard. It's over. But I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for the AP, even though I know there's no chance. He had never cheated before and is in love with his wife. so he says he has never cheated before. And if he was in love with his wife, he wouldn't have cheated on her. I will never see or hear from him again. But should I tell my husband about this? (Please be kind!) Yes you should, because he will more than likely find out. I wouldn't blame the OM's wife one iota for ratting you out to your husband. So you better prepare to do it yourself, because it is just a matter of time. But more to the point, because your husband deserves to know the truth and deserves the right to make an informed decision about his life.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 NO. Keep your legs and mind closed to strangers from this point on. Think about what it your marriage is lacking. Work on your marriage to make it better. I don't see any real reason to drag another person through the mud and pain if it is not necessary. And what about WHEN the OM's wife spills the beans? There is HIGH probability he will find out.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I am confused...I know what I should do. But I am so afraid. I think I love my husband if you loved him, you wouldn't have slept with another man. but I am still torn. He should probably run for the hills from me. Yes, he probably should. He sounds like a good man and a man that doesn't deserve to be with a cheater. I mean, I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage where my spouse cheated only 3 YEARS IN. He won't leave, though. Again, that's how it is in my culture. If he won't leave, then its his problem and his decision. But i gather that you would leave if he did this to you....geez. But if you wouldn't want to stay in a marriage if your spouse cheated, 3 years in or not, then that is all the more reason to tell him because he deserves the truth and the freedom to make decisions about his life.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 If the WS is being abused, then they can always leave. Why would a WS stay if their BS isn't willing to work on the marriage? First the WS has to show they want the marriage and the greater burden of effort lies with the WS. Not saying the BS doesn't have their part in it, but the WS needs to be the one to bust their ass to show they deserve to stay married...not the other way around.
lkjh Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 BUT ~ What if he never finds out. Is it not possible to not tell & just bury it. We've all lied to our spouses at one point or another - It happens. Little ones, and some big ones. IT HAPPENS. If the marriage can be salvaged & you don't have to tell to get it to there.........DON'T TELL. You do see how selfish this is right? It is the H life to and he has a right to know if he is being screwed over. PLus when he does find out( and he will) it is gonna hurt a lot more coming from a stranger.
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