southbeach Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I guess you could say I WAS the OW. I'm also the WS. I am 27, married for 3 years. I fell in love with a married man last year. We were in the same graduate school program. We became very good friends but the "slippery slope" led to a physical affair. It started in March of 2008. We slept together several times, each time knowing we should not. We wanted to end it every time. And in our twisted logic, we thought that by remaining friends, we could stuff the physical part away and sort of prove it was "okay because we are really only friends, right?" So the EA continued. I know now that is what it really was. And so the opportunities for sex continued to arise. And so the PA continued. We ended it in August. Long story short, his wife discovered the affair (after it was over), and they are reconciling. She has not told my husband, but I know she could at any time. Also (and this makes me disgusted with myself), my husband is in the same program. We all hang out together (except my AP -- he is in full NC). He does wonderful things for me. He has no idea. It's over. But I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for the AP, even though I know there's no chance. He had never cheated before and is in love with his wife. I will never see or hear from him again. But should I tell my husband about this? (Please be kind!)
a4a Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 NO. Keep your legs and mind closed to strangers from this point on. Think about what it your marriage is lacking. Work on your marriage to make it better. I don't see any real reason to drag another person through the mud and pain if it is not necessary. Isn't telling more about YOU at this point than your H? I am sure others will strongly disagree with my opinion.
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Yes you should tell your husband so he knows who he is married to.
lostsoulmate Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If you tell to rid yourself of your guilt, then no. Just know that if he finds out another way it will be worse. (I haven't told my SO either. I never will).
herenow Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If your husband fell in love with an other woman and had sex with her would you want to know? IMO, you should treat others the same way as you would like to be treated. I guess, if you would be OK with your H keeping that secret from you then you should be able to live without telling him. If, on the other hand, you would like to know what your H has been doing behind your back with an other woman, then you should tell him. When thinking about your answer keep in mind that your H stills has feelings for the other woman, but she is committed to her marriage now. Would you want to know if your H has feelings for another woman while married to you?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I guess you could say I WAS the OW. I'm also the WS. I am 27, married for 3 years. I fell in love with a married man last year. We were in the same graduate school program. We became very good friends but the "slippery slope" led to a physical affair. It started in March of 2008. We slept together several times, each time knowing we should not. We wanted to end it every time. And in our twisted logic, we thought that by remaining friends, we could stuff the physical part away and sort of prove it was "okay because we are really only friends, right?" So the EA continued. I know now that is what it really was. And so the opportunities for sex continued to arise. And so the PA continued. We ended it in August. Long story short, his wife discovered the affair (after it was over), and they are reconciling. She has not told my husband, but I know she could at any time. Also (and this makes me disgusted with myself), my husband is in the same program. We all hang out together (except my AP -- he is in full NC). He does wonderful things for me. He has no idea. It's over. But I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for the AP, even though I know there's no chance. He had never cheated before and is in love with his wife. I will never see or hear from him again. But should I tell my husband about this? (Please be kind!) I suggest that you tell him. If he finds out from someone else it will hurt him so much more. Plus if you tell him then the two of you can start the healing process. Even if that means ending the marriage. I've been in your situation before... and I chose not to be honest, and it is something I will forever regret. If you want to recommit to the marriage, do so with honesty. You can't build on lies. Do you love your husband? You need to spend some time thinking about what led you to do this. Chances are your husband will need to do some things different, and sweeping this under the rug won't allow that to happen. This is where you choose what kind of life you want to live!
bentnotbroken Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 You may not still be cheating on your H, but you are still lying to him. And no marriage can survive built on a lie. When it comes out(I did say when not if) you won't have a leg to stand on. If I were the OM wife, you would have already been outed. Oh wait, that is what I did.
Liquid Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 You had made a fool out of your husband. You're making a fool out of him right now. Do you choose to continue to make a fool out of him for years and years to come? Do the right thing. Tell him the truth. He deserves at least that!
delajoonal Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 She has not told my husband, but I know she could at any time. my stbxh had an onine EA,I knew IT before he did...after only about 3 weeks of this transparent charade, i made him admit it to me.. keep reading, i am getting to my point..LOL we agreed to reconcile move on and get MC, etc. at which time i texted the OW, told her to please, kindly, stay away from my dh, or i would call her H and tell him what she has been up too, etc. they have 2 small children, own a home and a business, so she really had a lot to lose, actually these are ALL the reasons SHE broke IT off with my dh. so one week later, the OW emailed MY dh ...some lame excuse/attempt to just contact my dh..still have no reason why she did this? long story short, i waited 3 weeks, i phoned the OW's H at their home number, OW's H answered, we talked for 2 hours, while she was at work. he KNEW about the EA but was not sure of the partiulcars, etc.. he confronted her when she got home from work...that was the last i heard from any of them or the situation. i also read a few weeks back that another poster had waited nearly a year before she called the OW's H and told him..they TOO were in a small circle of friends and worked together. my point, your MM's W will more than likely flip out one day ....could be a week from now or a year, but '"That Call" has a huge probability of being made. i am not judging you are anyone here, especially the OW and OM etc... but just wanted to let you know from the BS view point, we are out here and real and sometimes just accepting the A and reconciling with our spouses isn't enough...we need to have more closure or vindication...hense calling the OW's husband.
Lizzie60 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 NO.. NO.. NO... Unless you want to live through hell with your husband.. and put him through a very painful situation.. Just keep your secret till death.. Oh.. I should add. that the possibility of the W telling your H is probably not that high... if she is sure the A is over.. she might choose to not stir any more sh*t..
reservoirdog1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If you have a conscience at all, tell your husband. He deserves to know who he's married to. I don't have to remind you (or maybe I do?) about the vows you swore to him, and he to you. Right now he's bumbling along, blissfully unaware that his beloved wife upheld her vows for all of two years. By continuing to hide the truth from him, you're making a complete fool out of him. And since you couldn't give him your respect during your affair, you owe it to him to give him your respect now. True, he may leave you. But the reality is this: he has the right to make decisions about his life armed with all the information. As it stands, you are taking massive liberties with his life (and his health, I might add) that you have no right to take. That's wrong. And bear in mind that these things have a way of getting out, regardless of how much you try to keep them secret. Just ask my XW. And when the truth does come out -- either because somebody else spills the beans, or you decide you can't live with the guilt anymore and need to come clean -- he will rightly feel as though you've wasted a big chunk of his life, and that your marriage has been a fraud ever since the first time you spread your legs for your OM. Better that the period of fraud have been short, than have been many years in duration. Besides which, as it stands, you've been able to enjoy the "fun" of cheating without dealing with any of the consequences. So if you stay quiet, I wouldn't bet money on you not cheating again -- after all, you're either a cheater or you're not, and it's not as if you can be MORE of a cheater, is it? It'll be much easier for you to justify it to yourself the next time. For the first time in your bloody short marriage, do the right thing, respect your partner, and give him the right (which is his anyway) to decide whether or not he wants to stay with you, knowing the truth. Yes, you may lose him. But actions have consequences. And that's part of being an adult. Grow up already.
fooled once Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 OUCH - some harsh responses. I would have to say what one poster said Would you want to know if your DH had been the one cheating? Did you use protection with the OM? And is it only over because HE chose to stay with his wife? Or do you still long for him and wish it was HIM you were married to? Dig deep within yourself and reflect on those questions and your answers. I think you will find the answers for yourself.
sugarmomma Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Is your husband likely to stay with you and respond by being rageful, vindictive, punishing, unforgiving, belligerent or abusive? I would say no, don't tell him. If your husband is likely to stay with you and respond by being angry, hurt and possibly forgiving given the fact that he has some time to heal and possibly rebuild the trust? I would say yes, tell him. Is your husband likely to feel a host of different emotions and know that he can't stay with a cheater and leave you? I would say yes, tell him. *****Also keep in mind that the W could get vindictive and tell your H at any given time. I guess it all depends on the level of risk you're willing to take with the marriage. Afterall, you did risk the marriagae by having the A*********
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Is your husband likely to stay with you and respond by being rageful, vindictive, punishing, unforgiving, belligerent or abusive? I would say no, don't tell him. If your husband is likely to stay with you and respond by being angry, hurt and possibly forgiving given the fact that he has some time to heal and possibly rebuild the trust? I would say yes, tell him. Is your husband likely to feel a host of different emotions and know that he can't stay with a cheater and leave you? I would say yes, tell him. *****Also keep in mind that the W could get vindictive and tell your H at any given time. I guess it all depends on the level of risk you're willing to take with the marriage. Afterall, you did risk the marriagae by having the A********* You forgot one scenario. The wife could just be a honest woman and tell her husband because it is the right thing to do. The assumption is that everyone is as deceitful as the cheaters and they only disclose out of a sense of revenge instead of a sense of honor. But why would honesty be expected of the person who didn't cheat? Yet you advised the OP not to tell if it was to keep her from experiencing some of the possible consequences of her actions. And some posters wonder why BS don't easily move forward. If our cheating spouses were being given advice similar to the not tell us the truth, to lie by omission, to build a relationship on a lie, to keep BS from making informed decisions about our own lives....then I would say, once a cheater always a cheater.
lkjh Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Why ask a question when you already know the answer. Yes you should tell him, not sure if you will but you should. This is no longer about whether or not your H will stay with you, this is about doing the right thing
sugarmomma Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You forgot one scenario. The wife could just be a honest woman and tell her husband because it is the right thing to do. The assumption is that everyone is as deceitful as the cheaters and they only disclose out of a sense of revenge instead of a sense of honor. But why would honesty be expected of the person who didn't cheat? Yet you advised the OP not to tell if it was to keep her from experiencing some of the possible consequences of her actions. And some posters wonder why BS don't easily move forward. If our cheating spouses were being given advice similar to the not tell us the truth, to lie by omission, to build a relationship on a lie, to keep BS from making informed decisions about our own lives....then I would say, once a cheater always a cheater. Some of those consequences should not include being abused or being put on probation for life. Some BS hold the WS on the cross and guilt them forever after having an affair. That is abusive. Don't stay with a WS if you are not truly willing to forgive and move forward. I have known BS personally who punish and abuse their spouse for cheating as opposed to really trying to start the healing process. I do not believe in abuse for any reason and that was the point I was making. I have never stayed with a cheater and I believe those who do are willing to risk it happening it again.
sugarmomma Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Why ask a question when you already know the answer. Yes you should tell him, not sure if you will but you should. This is no longer about whether or not your H will stay with you, this is about doing the right thing Most people can not deal with the truth.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Is your husband likely to stay with you and respond by being rageful, vindictive, punishing, unforgiving, belligerent or abusive? I would say no, don't tell him. If your husband is likely to stay with you and respond by being angry, hurt and possibly forgiving given the fact that he has some time to heal and possibly rebuild the trust? I would say yes, tell him. So our decision to be honest with our partner should be based on what we think their potential reaction might be? Sugarmomma, that doesn't make any sense to me and that kind of rationalization is how cheaters justify affairs in the first place... Mr. Lucky
lkjh Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Some of those consequences should not include being abused or being put on probation for life. Some BS hold the WS on the cross and guilt them forever after having an affair. That is abusive. Don't stay with a WS if you are not truly willing to forgive and move forward. I have known BS personally who punish and abuse their spouse for cheating as opposed to really trying to start the healing process. I do not believe in abuse for any reason and that was the point I was making. I have never stayed with a cheater and I believe those who do are willing to risk it happening it again. Why are you automatically assuming the BS is going to abuse her and no guilting someone for doing something bad is not abuse. It is paying the consequences for their actions. Hitting someone or putting them down for no reason is abuse, cheating on someone is abuse. Holding someone responsible for their actions is not abuse.
Reggie Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I think you should tell. Besides the moral reasons, you may be carrying STDs and your H has the right to know so he can take precautions.
Author southbeach Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 First of all, wow -- not just for so many responses, but for the objectivity. It is interesting that someone should bring up the possibility of repercussions by my BS. This is always in the back of my mind. not because he has ever shown any shred of violence (emotionally or physically), but because our shared ethnic and culturalbackground really has a particular view on this activity. My generation is more acceptable of women having affairs, but the one before me is not. And I have no idea how he would really react. We both have many friends and family in the area -- all the same heritage, for lack of a better word -- and I do think that there could be a lot of backlash. Also, I don't know why my AP's wife hasn't outed me. I know my AP doesn't care one way or the other. He isn't protecting me anymore. This really could blow up in my face...and soon. During the affair, we tried to hide it from our classmates. I also know that many people could have suspected. Obviously, as someone else tipped off the wife. I am confused...I know what I should do. But I am so afraid. I think I love my husband, but I am still torn. He should probably run for the hills from me. I mean, I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage where my spouse cheated only 3 YEARS IN. He won't leave, though. Again, that's how it is in my culture.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 What does your culture say about cheating and lying?
2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You have to tell him, and for a bunch of good reasons: Saving your marriage being the most important. Thats right. Whether someone else tells him or not, the only way to move forward from infidelity is to bring it out in the open. No matter what is said here, you have to understand one thing. You are still in an "affair fog" and during that time you are making decisions, having feelings, hearing only what you want....no matter how smart you are, how receptive you think you are, ...you are being affected by this "fog". KNOW this while you sift through advice and your feelings. Your marriage, YOU , are the biggest parts of your husband's LIFE. He has become a secondary player in his own LIFE. Regardless of your mixed feelings and fear...he has to be a fully engaged and active participant in his own LIFE. This is not your decision to make. You are in turmoil, your marriage is in trouble. It can only be repaired with both spouses working together. And yes, the fact that you did this only 3 years in in scary. But not hopeless at all! If you address all this now, you will have together built a stronger foundation for your marriage. If you don't - when the hard stuff does come in the future - you will do it again.
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I feel for you... how could you sleep a night? The uncertainty must be killing you! Yikes!!! This is catch 22. I guess you should prepare to deal with whatever it is that your H decides to do. I mean, we are sometimes dillusional to think that the other person would like to work it out. It doesn't always turn out that way. Good luck!
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