hollyweird Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I have been with my husband for almost five years now. We will have been married for two years this November. Lately I've spent a great deal of time thinking that perhaps he isn't the person that I thought that he was when we first met. I'm not sure if we have both changed or if it's him. In the beginning he seemed to be a balanced person. He worked and took care of himself. Then he quit his job and expected me to take care of him. Which I did begrudgingly. I never promised to him that so long as he was with me that I'd be the sole financial provider while simultaneously taking care of all of the household responsibilities. He has somehow got it in his head that this is my destiny. To care for him in every capacity. In any event I'll sum up the events that have led up to me feeling like this. First and foremost neither of us has a job right now. It seems that this is of more concern to me than to him. On any given day his number one priority is getting his alcohol. That's it. I have found countless empty bottles of vodka and beer. He somehow thinks that I am not aware that he is drunk. His drinking has gotten so bad that I have confiscated his cards to my bank account, car keys, house keys, and credit cards. Nothing is in his name. He has shown no interest in getting a job other than to pacify me for short periods of time in order to coerce me into getting him beer for the day. He is prone to getting very drunk and insisting that I get him more alcohol at which point I usually leave for the night. His response is always the same that he is glad I'm leaving. However, the next day when I come home I always find that he has destroyed something of mine in the house for having left even though most times he asks me to leave. When I say destroy I mean mass destruction. Think hurricane Katrina. He has literally taken all of the food out of the refridgerator and thrown it about the house. The last incident a few weeks ago he went into my walk in closet and tore all the clothes from it and ripped the closetmaid system out of the wall. It was two weeks before he repaired it and cost us $100. He wouldn't even begin on it until I got him his beer. It used to be that when he was sober I enjoyed being around him but now he is unpleasant to be around even when he is sober. He is verbally cruel frequently remarking on how I am ugly though to be honest I am not. He also likes to remark on how I was once fat. He calls me names on a constant basis. I have to admit putting up with this hasn't been easy and I don't always hold my tongue. To put it mildly if he isn't insulting me he typically repeats over and over again the either real or imagined insults I have spoken to him. There are times that he will literally say nothing to me for hours on end except for "eat sh*t, f**k you" as if it were a broken record. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person but have no idea how to fix or get out of this situation. I have asked him to leave but he will not. When I have asked why he won't leave since he is obviously so unhappy he responds with one of two responses: "I love you. I don't want to leave." or "Why would I leave I have everything I want here." He has remarked his reason for not getting adequate work to relieve some of the financial burden is that he has vowed to never be a success while he is with me. This is just the tip of the ice berg. Sorry this post is all over the place. I'm racking my brain as I write this trying to figure out the next move in my life. Moving in with family is not an option. Therapy is ruled out as there is no money. I'm desperately trying to find a job. I don't know what to do. This man has terrorized and tormented me and yet tells me that the reason that he has done so is because he is mad at me. I can't for the life of me figure out why. I have tried to be loving and supportive but my patience has worn thin. I have completely readjusted my life. I now leave my purse in my car for fear he will go through it and take out my bank cards or cash. (He has intentionally overdrawn his own accounts to buy alcohol when I have refused to get it for him.) I hide my keys to the car to keep him from gaining access to anything in it or taking the car itself since he is incapable of driving it without going directly to the liquor store, the last time I discovered he'd driven the car after drinking a six pack. He didn't have money so he crept into the living room where my purse was took out all my money and left his cell phone here and went to go buy beer. Since then I no longer leave money or my purse in the house. I am so tired of living this way. There doesn't appear to be any hope of using love, logic or reason. Any attempts I have made to reconcile these grievances with him have been met with either contempt or obvious lip service. While I know I only enable him when I go buy the beer for him it seems to be my best and only option at times. He won't move out. And when he doesn't get his way he is destructive and abusive. I really don't want to get a divorce or a restraining order. I want a happy solution not one that furthers my pain and sends me home to live with my mother who is also an alcoholic. I want to like him again. I want to be able to talk to him. I want to not be posting this.
amaysngrace Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Maybe you need to leave him? Go back to your mom's for a little while so you can get on your feet and see if he gets on his too. Oh and Alanon. It only costs a dollar.
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Wow.... So does he own where you live or something? How are you staying at a place with no income? If I were in your shoes I'd be job hunting everywhere and everyday until I found something. Your husband has point blank told you it's your job to take care of him. What a worthless excuse for a human....yuck! Get a job and get out as fast as possible. I don't see how "is it time to end it" is even the title of this....you know the answer to that!
kac33 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Sorry to here all that you are going through. If I acted like that I would expect my wife to leave me. I think he knows it will take a lot to leave him so he does not care. If you do leave him, even for a week, would he even try to change and get back with you or would he still not care? That may be your answer. Also, not to pry but are you still intimate during all of this craziness? That may be another sign for you. I am not the best person to give advice given my situation but I have been through two layoffs and although very stressfull, we had to work together to make it through. It seems that this might be a natural breaking point...you both are at point zero and can move along with you live's if you don't have kids. BTW, my wife also drinks alot too and I hate it. I think she does for many reasons including that she is sick, gnerally unhappy and more importantly has an addiction. I guess I am starting to answer my question as well. Good luck on making a hard decision.
Cinnamon777 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 You absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated this way. You did not get married to become his servent woman. Get out! Turn to your family, friends, church, shelter... there are resources for you especially since you are willing to work and change things for yourself. If your name is also on the house, kick him out. Make arrangements so that when he leaves, even if it's for a short time, get the locks changed. Get a restraining order if possible. He clearly has no love for you... love doesn't hurt. Move on and don't look back. You will feel so much better and maybe it will make him pull himself together and improve his life. If he chooses not to change, you will feel even more secure in your decisions. Come to this board for support and encouragement... There are lots of people here willing to offer emotional connections to get you through the day. Big Hugs!
delajoonal Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 i am so sorry for you and this situation. bottom line tho..your H is an alcoholic, and is need of desperate medical attention, rehab. he IS NOT the man you married, the alcohol and depression have taken over and sounds like it is getting violent...PLEASE leave and get help before he does to you what he did to that closet:sick: it will ONLY get worse...or better, if you choose to make it better... you have to get help, there are houses that can take you in because you are in danger of your alcoholic husband. i was in a situation many many years ago, just like this, only then it was my bf and he was into drugs...he was NO longer the man i fell in love with by the time i walked out...but not before he beat me literally into the ground. THAT was a lesson i will NOT soon forget and NEVER do again.. PLEASE don't let IT get that far for you:lmao:
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