confusedgirly Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 i am a 20-something female. i recently moved in with a girl i met and we totally hit it off. it hasn't been very long but we have become best friends. she is the most amazing person i have ever met. the problems come in because i am both emotionally and sexually attracted to her. i am straight for the most part, but i have had this happen to me before with a best girlfriend. nothing ever came of it because i was too afraid to tell her (in fact, our whole friendship fell apart in the end over jealousy that she had no idea where it was coming from). my roommate / new best friend is straight, but has experimented with girls. the huge problem is, right after we became super close her ex boyfriend has come back into the picture. now i feel like im fighting for her attention. he comes over here and we all three have a great time, but at the end of the night HE is the one who is holding her on the couch, and i can't take the feelings of jealousy that arise in me from that. all i want is to be the one to make her happy and laugh, and i know that i can't do that for her because i am not a man and she clearly loves men. she has no idea (well none that i have told outright) that i feel this way, and im not sure i could ever tell her, but it's killing my heart to see her with someone. and i live with her ... that does not help matters. i guess the bottom line is that im falling in love .. im falling in love with someone who is straight, therefore, she doesnt feel the same for me, and i cannot tell her. it is a horrible situation. i would like to add as a sidenote that she DOES definitely love me and is infatuated with me as a friend so far. we have only been friends for about 2 months but shes always hugging me and kissing my cheek when she leaves and stuff like that. we had a night where we told each other we were each other's best friends, and all that 12 year old stuff. so i mean, i almost feel like the possibility of her feeling something for me back could be there, if not for her guy taking up all that extra time and attention.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I can't think of anything to say to this except give you something to read by: http://www.funkygrad.com/think/displayarticle.php?artID=979&subcat=relationships
spookie Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Well, if she's experimented with girls, at least there's some hope. It sucks that she's involved with that other guy, though. Any chance you can move out? Then you can continue your friendship to see where it goes, without the stress of her constant presence.
Author confusedgirly Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I can't think of anything to say to this except give you something to read by: http://www.funkygrad.com/think/displayarticle.php?artID=979&subcat=relationships okay, well thanks for that ... but i know the difference between what is real love and what is confusion .. im 26 years old .. ive been in love multiple times with both a male and female ... so yeah, that article doesn't really reflect me or my situation, but thanks for the reply.
Scottdmw Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It sounds like you are in a really tough situation and feeling confused about what to do. I can't offer any definite answers, just my own ideas and opinions, but these are the things that come to mind. Not all feelings of love lead to good ends. For example, if I were to develop feelings for a married woman who loves her husband, that's not going to do me or anyone else any good. Even if love can be reciprocated, sometimes it doesn't lead to good. In my own experience I spent a long time in mutual love with a woman that I very much wanted to marry. In the end her family situation prevented that from happening, and her situation was something I could have seen coming a lot earlier if not blinded by my feelings. Adultery with children involved is another example where love doesn't always lead to happiness. In your particular case there is one more issue which you have probably already thought of but I'll add it for completeness. I don't know your feelings about someday having children, but obviously if things were somehow to work out with you and your roommate you would not be able to have children that would belong to both of you, the way you could with a man. For that reason I would suggest finding a man if you feel it is possible for you and if you think you may want children someday. The thing I'm trying to say is that just because you feel love for someone doesn't mean that acting on it would bring you, or her, overall good. You might want to consider moving out, so as not to be tormented by what you feel you want but can't have. Scott
Author confusedgirly Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 someday i probably will want kids ... but that should not be the only reason to be with a man. i have been engaged before to a man. been there, done that. my roommate actually already has 2 children, so i already have children in my life .. they're fabulous, but that's birth control in itself. i understand that i would need a man to have children ... but that's really not the be-all to end-all for me .. and if anything i could always have a contractual father, or an open relationship. i wonder if im on the right forum .. your replies are appreciated but i havent really been met with an open mind yet.
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I understand where you are coming from. I really don't have any great advice for you though...It's tough having unrequited love for anyone. It sounds like she likes having the flirty fun girl stuff with you....but I don't think she's ever going to be serious about it, especially if she is still stuck on her ex boyfriend. I would stay friends and try to deal with your jealousy on your own before it explodes and you lose her completely, as a friend or otherwise. You should go out more by yourself, try to meet different people, etc. so you aren't SO focused on her all the time....and who knows, maybe when she sees you getting friendly with someone else, she'll be all over you Good luck!
Author confusedgirly Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I understand where you are coming from. I really don't have any great advice for you though...It's tough having unrequited love for anyone. It sounds like she likes having the flirty fun girl stuff with you....but I don't think she's ever going to be serious about it, especially if she is still stuck on her ex boyfriend. I would stay friends and try to deal with your jealousy on your own before it explodes and you lose her completely, as a friend or otherwise. You should go out more by yourself, try to meet different people, etc. so you aren't SO focused on her all the time....and who knows, maybe when she sees you getting friendly with someone else, she'll be all over you Good luck! awww thanks for the positive response!
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I agree with what sotired said. The most important thing for you right now is to keep her with you always, even though you're just friends. But heck, it's better than losing her right? Who knows, as most of my friends might say, only time will tell...
Author confusedgirly Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I agree with what sotired said. The most important thing for you right now is to keep her with you always, even though you're just friends. But heck, it's better than losing her right? Who knows, as most of my friends might say, only time will tell... I agree with this as well. I just love being with her so I will do that as much as I can. Who knows what she may end up feeling. I'm pretty great.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I agree with this as well. I just love being with her so I will do that as much as I can. Who knows what she may end up feeling. I'm pretty great. That's the winner's attitude right there.
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 awww thanks for the positive response! You're welcome Good luck!!
lostandlonely2 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't think it is such a linear option... have you thought that she might be open to a relationship with both you and her ex-bf? would you be open to that? stranger relationships have happened before...
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't think it is such a linear option... have you thought that she might be open to a relationship with both you and her ex-bf? would you be open to that? stranger relationships have happened before... I don't know why people think that you can't have a "real" relationship with someone of the same gender. It happens all the time...Plenty of women are happy together without men...I know that's a hard pill to swallow.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't know why people think that you can't have a "real" relationship with someone of the same gender. It happens all the time...Plenty of women are happy together without men...I know that's a hard pill to swallow. I guess it's just the same as Men falling in love with other Men... Same gender relationships are indeed a hard pill to swallow...
sotired Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 But how many would advise a girl to date a man who was with another man? Men have this misconception that females NEED a man and can't be happy with each other. To me, the OP was pretty clear that she wants a relationship with this woman and doesn't want to share her. I don't think she's silly or misguided for that.
lostandlonely2 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I thought it was obviously no problem about the same gender relationships, what's the issue here is 3 people in love... I suggest you tell your gf that you could see yourself loving her in a romantic way if the opportunity ever arose and see want she says - I have friends who are in open relations ships and also relationships where the women have two males lovers - why not have a male and a female lover? are you attracted at all to the bf? emotionally or sexually? I honestly don't see why a non-traditional relationship between the threee of you can't happen - it's all in our minds and societies rules and expectations that say it can't
spiracles Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 1. don't date your roommates. period. that said, i know what you're going through. but realize that you have a very strong bond with this girl, which could very well vaporize if you tell her how you feel. you said you wanted her to be happy, and if she is happy with her boy, maybe that is a good thing. and if the guy is a tool, they will break up - heck, it's happened before, right. in the mean time, you are likely going to hear all of the details of their relationship, so prepare yourself, and try not to get jealous.
redant Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I think you are falling for someone who can't love you back. Let her know how you feel. If you are sure about your love for this girl don't hide it. She may not feel the same, but at least u can express your bottled up feelings of wishing and hope. It doesn't make sense to keep waiting and thinking she might leave her bf and stop dating men to be with you. It could happen yea, but I think u could find out if you let her know you were interested.
Author confusedgirly Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 i think if i ever wanted to be with her, i would have to consider and open relationship. she will always want a man ... i dont need to be with that man .. i could have my own man. i feel like i need to give this time to let us get closer. we've only known each other for 6 weeks .. we definitely need to go out and hang out more without him. luckily we can do that when he's working. but you all are right, i will feel intense jealousy and hear all about the relationship .. i already do. but i do find that when she is happy with him, she's more open to be physically friendlier with me ... weird, huh?
lostandlonely2 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I agree that she might be "more open to be physically friendlier" with you, and I don't think it's wierd... I think you should soend more time with her as you said, and when you feel the moment is right, just say something like 'you know, we could be lovers I feel so close to you' or something like that and see what she says... it's a compliment if she's not interested, and if she is, she just might give you a kiss! good luck! let us know what happens
xpaperxcutx Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 6 weeks? I think that's too short of a time to confess your " undying love". I used to have a crush on my best friend, but I respected her space and her sexuality to only want to be with men. Despite not having her reciprocate, I am still happy to have her in my life. The thing is, I made my feelings known to her after a year. We were both in school together, and we were always so close. Therefore, to have had those feeling for her were unsettling because it might have caused a rift between us. But she was very accepting of my feelings and all she can be is my best friend. If you have a crush on your roommate, I think you have to truly ask yourself what made you attracted to her. I can understand the uncalled for feelings of dealing with jealousy ( I've been there) but when it comes to a relationship where you see all these possibilities, you have to think about their needs first.
Author confusedgirly Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 oh yeah i wouldnt confess my crush anytime soon. 6 weeks .. definitely too short. maybe a year haha. or maybe a crazy drunken night making a mistake trying to kiss her or something. why am i attracted to her? first of all she's stunning gorgeous. i am very girly and hot myself. second off, she's just the most fascinating person ive ever met and looking in her eyes is just an intense experience. she smells amazing, she dresses amazing, everything about her is intoxicating. at this point it's enough just to live with her and be friends, although i am starting to get upset that she's spending the majority of nights at her ex's house now (i guess theyre getting back together, she has no idea what's going on .. stupid).
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