Author now_what Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Nah, that wouldn't be his thing. There was a local group he rode with for charity functions and such. I'm not sure if he's in it anymore since he moved out of town. He's really a pretty mild mannered guy, that's why the biker image just doesn't fit him. He's a rebel in his own mind. The secretive thing is nothing new - I just wish he would stop it. I would bet money the reason he did not say where he was going is because it has something to do with motorcycles - probably a big rally somewhere. He knows that even the kids were not too thrilled with his bike related activities - at one time I actually encouraged them - because I knew he enjoyed them - and he just went overboard. The going overboard is nothing new either - it's just his personality. Like when he started playing guitar, he bought 10 of them (acoustics, electrics, 12 string, classical, dobro, banjo's, etc) and printed out several thousand pieces of sheet music. He can go where he wants - I certainly do, but I don't keep it a secret - my children and family always know where I am. It's just being courteous.
amaysngrace Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Alright then if you're sure because the trip to Canada and needing a passport and now he's gone again without saying where it just made me have to ask but I'm glad you're sure.
Kamille Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Ah, so the secretive issue is a long-standing issue between the two of you. I think what I would do in your shoes is try my best to distance myself from issues you two had while in the relationship. This secrecy thing doesn't have to weight on you anymore. While you understandably still feel the need to protect your daughter, she is old enough to have an idea that her dad has his strong points and also has a few problematic qualities. All I would do is listen to her when she is upset and try and bring her to accept that while her dad isn't perfect, it doesn't mean they're less deserving of her love and respect. Basically, all I wish for you is that you find a way to deal with the situation so that his problems stop being your problems too.
Author now_what Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 I think I will take the advice that several of you gave and let my daughter and her dad take care of their own relationship. Honestly, he has paid more attention to her since leaving, than when he was at home - he was always doing his own thing. I will encourage her to call and see him though, one time she was going to beg off going out with him and I told her that she should go, she didn't really see him that often. He was appreciative of that. Our shared parenting agreement is very informal - it's whatever we agree on, based mostly on her being a busy teenager and my ex said that as far as he was concerned, she was an adult and could make her own decisions about seeing him. My point in starting this post is that I was upset that he would just go out of town for almost two weeks yet not even mention to her where he was going. He did tell her that he would be out of town the next two weekends - but that didn't quite carry the same weight as being on a long vacation. This just continues the years old annoyance of him always being so secretive, or maybe it's not really secretive, but inconsiderate. I guess the rest of us have always told other family members when and where we were going, even if it was just to the store or out to eat. My ex has never been that way, he would just "go". I felt (and still feel) that a child should be able to know where her parents are. I still do not think it is wrong for me to want him to let her know where he is. It did upset me that some posters thought that I was the one who wanted to know where he was or that I pump my daughter for information when that could not be farther from the truth.
Author now_what Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 I wanted to add just one more post about my ex being secretive - to show how this can causeI a bit of a problem. My son is finishing up his last quarter of school. He was working almost full time and was finding it to be a bit much along with a full class load. About two weeks ago, he talked to his dad to see if he could help him financially if he cut back his hours a little at work. He said his dad was going to help him out (I have been paying his rent). My son implied that he would need money in the next week or so. His dad however, neglected to say that he would be out of town for awhile. So, my son had been trying to get in touch with his dad at work, but didn't realize that he was on vacation. He texted me today, saying he needed some money but couldn't get a hold of his dad. I told him that he was out of town. He needed the money today so I said I could help him out. So for practical purposes it would be helpful for the kids to just know where there dad is. If my son had known his dad was going out of town they could have discussed the money he needed. I realize this is not an earth shattering problem, but it just demonstrates that a little better communication on my ex's part can just make things easier for the kids during this period of adjustment, instead of increasing the distance between them and making him look like he still has something to hide.
Recommended Posts