Must he be so secretive?

[now_what]

OK, it's been almost a month since my dissolution became final and I guess I'm doing ok. One problem though - my ex is just so damn secretive about his "new life". He has not said a single word to our three children about his biker chick girlfriend who he has been living with since he snuck out on me - 7 1/2 months ago. You would think someone so important to him would at least get a mention to the kids - nope. Also, he told our youngest daughter that he would be out of town the next two weekends but would be at her concert on May 9th. Putting it that way led me to believe that he just had something going on those two weekends. Not quite, he is out of town on vacation until May 4th. I sent him an email at work to let him know that a good friend from college had died and got an out of office on vacation reply, also he deposited some money in my bank account which he normally would not have done until May 1. So, this means he has gone somewhere for almost two weeks. My daughter wondered why he did not just tell her he was going on vacation. As I said he tells the kids nothing about himself - like he's worried that someone won't like what he is doing. Still such a big coward. I DON'T CARE WHAT HE IS DOING - HE DIVORCED ME - WE ARE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE!!! But, I think his children deserve to know something about their dad. Why can't he just grow up. He has done everything he is supposed to do financially - but is just so clueless about the emotional side of relationships.

 

My daughter said she does not feel comfortable asking his to share some details about his life. She said she is curious about his girlfriend but he has never even acknowledged to her that he has one. Would I be out of line telling him that the kids deserve and want to know some information about his life. Or does he not divulge the details because he feels guilty, knowing he did wrong?

[amaysngrace]

Would I be out of line telling him that the kids deserve and want to know some information about his life. Or does he not divulge the details because he feels guilty, knowing he did wrong?

 

The relationship your ex has with his children isn't really any of your business. That is between him and them. So yes you'd be out of line to tell him what he should tell his children.

 

No offense but when you put it this way you sound like this man's mother and not his ex-wife.

[now_what]

Well, I wasn't going to ask him to do it in a mean way. Just tell him that the kids would like to know a little bit about what is going on in his life - especially our 16 year old. And no offense, but when I see that she is hurting about something and in this case it is the relationship with her dad, it is my business.

 

We were married for 30 years, he sent me an email and snuck out of the house while I was at work and did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months because he was afraid - he hid behind email. So, I think he is still afraid. He is one to avoid confrontation at all cost -prefering to just pretend things do not exist. I do not want him to drift away from his children.

[amaysngrace]

I understand you are hurt about it all and it doesn't make what he did okay but the father/daughter relationship is between them.

 

I'm sure your sixteen year old can ask her dad a question for herself, can't she? Or would she feel like she is being disloyal to you if she did that?

 

You know maybe he doesn't want to give them too much information because of you being in his business. Maybe he's not really keeping this information from them as much as he's keeping it from you.

 

Do you probe your kids for information on their father?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs. I am sure it is a difficult time for you.

 

One problem though - my ex is just so damn secretive about his "new life". ... like he's worried that someone won't like what he is doing. Still such a big coward.

Possibly your ex is afraid that you will pump his children for information on him, his new life, and his new love; and he is trying to protect them and not get them in the middle of all of that? Courageous, not cowardly, of him...if that is indeed his motivation and inspiration.

 

While you are saying that you don't care about his new life and current actions, your post indicates that something different may be going on for you.

 

Would I be out of line telling him that the kids deserve and want to know some information about his life.

HE gets to decide for himself what the kids "deserve", what information he's going to give them, and even if he wants to be honest or dishonest with them. (So) Yes, it would be "out of line" to try to manipulate/control him to divulge information...especially if you might then be tempted to use your child to gain access to whatever he tells her about his private life.

 

You can help to teach your daughter (age-appropriate) effective communication skills, so that she'll feel more comfortable and confident expressing her needs, feelings and curiosities in general.

But again, NOT to then expect her to betray her dad's trust and break his confidences just to satisfy your own curiosity.

 

Divorce sucks. It is especially difficult on the children. Divorced parents have an even greater responsibility, duty and obligation to ensure the integrity of the children's relationship with the other parent.

[now_what]

I have not pumped the kids for information about their dad - and I am not in his business. The only reason I brought up this topic for discussion is that all three children (daughters 16 and 25, and son 23) find it odd that he never talks about anything with them. He has not once mentioned why he left, the divorce, his girlfriend - he just pretends that everything is ok, because he has decided to chose a new path for himself and that everyone should be cool with this. He has left me to inform the kids about everything -that he had left, that we were divorcing, that the dissolution was final.

 

They all thought he was selfish and distant when he was at home - for the past year when he was home especially - only thinking about riding his motorcycle and living the biker lifestyle. So I guess nothing has really changed.

 

I'm sorry I even posted this - I am not being a busybody - I have not pumped the kids for information or tried to manipulate their feelings for their dad in any way. In fact, I have gone out of my way to encourage contact and always try to mention the good things involving their dad over the years - especially to my younger daughter. I have shown as much respect for him as I possibly could because I did not want her to think badly of her dad, even though she felt he did not pay too much attention to her before he left, because he was always "on the bike". I have tried so hard to do everything right, even when I am was hurting. My child is my number one priority.

 

I just did not think it would be out of line for a man to tell his child where he was going, instead of just saying he would be out of town the next two weekends. Anyone I have talked to did not think this was being unreasonable - I guess I was just looking for a little reinforcement on the forum.

[amaysngrace]

The only reason I brought up this topic for discussion is that all three children (daughters 16 and 25, and son 23) find it odd that he never talks about anything with them. He has not once mentioned why he left, the divorce, his girlfriend - he just pretends that everything is ok, because he has decided to chose a new path for himself and that everyone should be cool with this.

 

Maybe he is having a mid-life crisis then?

 

I don't understand why your adult children can't communicate with their father and ask him questions if they have any. The sixteen year old I can understand would probably be the most hurt by his actions. He didn't hang in for her but he hung in for the others. So that has to make her feel like crap like he ruined her high school years or something but maybe your kids already know why he left?

 

They grew up in the same house. Do they really need an explanation on the why?

 

Have they asked him directly and he dodges the subject? Or do they not ask him at all?

 

Did it come as a complete shock to everyone?

[now_what]

I think he did have a mid-life crisis. Things were going pretty good up until a couple of years ago. - of course everyone has their ups and downs, but I thought we had a pretty good life. He bought a Harley (I had even encouraged him to get the bike, because I knew he wanted one and I thought it would relieve stress from work) and things went steadily downhill. He was always gone - most nights after work, and both days on the weekend - riding. He started dressing like a biker and became totally obsessed with "riding" and the biker lifestyle. So it did not come as a great shock when he left me and moved in with a biker chick he had known for two months. Prior to that he had become distant and self-absorbed, totally ignoring me and his family. I'm not surprised as to what he did, just how he did it. He could not level with me that he wanted out of the marriage, just sent me an email while I was at work and moved his things out of the house, leaving me and our younger daughter alone. In his email he said his feelings for me had changed, but he did not hate me. I was not happy either, but he did not want to even try to work on the marriage, he thought it would make things easier by just sneaking out. As I said earlier, he did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months because he was afraid. I finally convinced him that we can still be around each other as parents to our children. In fact if you saw us together , people would wonder why we did get divorced. After the dissolution we just chatted in the hall, like friends - discussing a family dog that was sick - waiting for our paperwork.

 

The older kids have tried to ask him about what happened between us, but he just kind of brushed it off with the comment, sometimes people just grow apart. Well, sure they do if your only interest is your motorcycle. He said we had no common interests anymore - we still had our children and grandchildren, we did like to travel together, there still were things we liked to do together, except he was never around to do them anymore. He totally blew off our 30th anniversary, said he forgot - I think he was with his girlfriend that night. The week he left he was home for dinner everynight, but now I think he ate dinner then rushed off on the bike to be with her. The day he snuck out, we had plans to go out to dinner that night at our favorite Mexican restaurant, but he had no intention of going with me, he had been plotting to leave.

 

It was a shock to the kids, but the older ones say I am better off without him. My younger daughter and I go to counseling and her counselor says that she is not quite ready to face the reality of what happened, saying that she does not think about it much because she is so busy with her life. I think she does feel loyalty to me, but does not want to betray her dad. From time to time, I do ask her if she is ok with everything and she says that there is not much we can do about things, we just have to make the best of it. She did tell me that she wished he had just told her he was going on vacation so she could have at least said - well that sounds like fun, or something like that. I don't know why she feels uncomfortable asking him to just tell her a little bit about his life, but she is curious. I'm thinking that her dad might want to bring his girlfriend to our daughter's concert (she's in an elite ensemble group at school) in a couple of weeks - I had told him that eventually it would be ok for her to come to events with him - but it would be nice for my daughter to know a bit about and have seen this woman beforehand.

 

I am getting used to the fact that he is not in my life anymore - and truthfully I was alone even when he was here the last year or so. The first time we saw and spoke to each other at the attorneys office it was pretty strange seeing that he had a new life that I knew nothing about. I don't need to or want to know the details of his life - it is not my concern anymore - but he has always been a bit emotionally stunted, so I don't think he realizes that the kids would like to share some of his life with him. I don't think my request to him would be met with hostility, I'm thinking he's just kind of clueless.

 

I'm trying the best I can here, this has all happened so quickly. He always did tend to make rash decisions then regret them later. I wish he had stuck around until our daughter was out of high school. I feel bad that she does not have her dad with her , because he did not love me anymore. I had told him if we decided not to be together I would not do anything until our daughter was grown, but he said it was better not to live a lie.

[amaysngrace]

He is only hurting himself by being this way, you know? It's his relationship with them that's going to suffer by him being like this. You sound like you have a solid bond with your children and you are being a good parent. So you should be proud of yourself for keeping it together while things seem as though they are falling apart.

 

Personally I'd jack up the life insurance on him. He sounds reckless and maybe he fears death? I heard that before in that movie "Moonstruck" and maybe that's it because it makes sense to me.

 

Has he been in counseling because he sounds like maybe he needs it? I bet everyone is really mad at him for this and rightfully so. He's probably an embarrassment in a way.

 

You may be right. Maybe he doesn't want to face how he's acting because he knows it's not right?

 

And that's why he's secretive...deep down he is embarrassed?

 

 

 

I'm sorry that you all are going through this. XO

[now_what]

I asked him he he would like to talk to someone, because I thought he was acting strange and seemed depressed, but he didn't want to.

 

I also wanted him to go with me to a marriage counselor to work on our marriage, but he said no to that also.

 

He just said that the problem was his, I had not done anything and he would work through it.

[Lucky_One]

The more you post, the more you sound as though YOU want to know what is going on in his life.

 

Your 16 year old wouldn't know that he was on vacation - unless you told her. So not only are you obsessing over his life and his activities, you are tattling on him to her. He told her he would be at her concert - period. You are the one who told her that he was gone and not telling her where he was.

 

My XH pumps my son for info on me all the time, and it drives my son crazy, even after all these years. I tell my son where I will be on weekends when he is with his father, and my son has a cell phone so he can reach me. My XH found out that I went for a weekend to visit friends a two-hour flight away, and send me an email demanding that I give him a schedule of where I would be on weekends and when I would return.

 

He is not my parent, and you are not your XH's parent. He will tell HIS children what he feels is best for them to know. He told the children that "people grow apart" - and that is true. You two DID grow apart. What if your XH felt that you paid him no attention and only lived your life around your children ("my child is my number one priority") and grandchildren, if you only looked at him as a paycheck, if sex with you was nearly non-existent and you always acted as though you were doing him a favor?

 

I am not saying those things are true, but those things COULD be how HE saw you and your marriage. Would you prefer that he told the children that, rather than you grew apart?

 

He has not told them about his GF, perhaps believing rightly that it was too soon to introduce a romantic interest into their lives. But YOU saw fit to tell them.

 

I would guess that he doesn't tell them things, because there is no need to. He has you to do it for him.

[now_what]

Ok, I'm not going to defend myself anymore. I had been with this man since I was 16 years old - I am 50 now - so I do know a thing or two about how his mind works, and how he operates - avoid conflict at all cost.

 

We had a good life together and loved each other. Then he started to change, he started doing strange, irrational things. Everyone noticed this, friends, family, neighbors.

 

I truly do not care what he is doing - I pretty much know what he is doing - he is riding around on his motorcycle with his girlfriend. He thinks he is a biker, plain and simple.

 

I just think the kids deserve some answers and they came to me for answers since he tells them nothing.

 

I don't think I will post anymore, I came here for support which I have received, but now I feel like I am being accused of things I have not done.

[Lucky_One]

Flip the situation. If you started dating, would you want your XH asking your kids where Mom was last weekend, or telling them that your new BF is a lounge lizard who thinks he is a rock star (sort of like telling your kids all about their dad's "biker chick" girlfriend).

 

It's none of your business. And maybe you think your 34 years of being connected to him makes his life your business - or maybe you just are not over the "habit" of him.

 

Either way, HIS life is HIS life to tell. You are divorced. Let him deal with his kids himself, and he and the kids will work it out between themselves.

 

Posters who get mad at posters on LS usually get maddest at the posts that hit closest to home that they refuse to acknowledge. When multiple posters look at a situation with an unbiased eye, they often see what you are too close to see. That triggers anger. I think you would be making a mistake to go, but it is your decision.

[thelostsoul89]

Ok, I'm not going to defend myself anymore. I had been with this man since I was 16 years old - I am 50 now - so I do know a thing or two about how his mind works, and how he operates - avoid conflict at all cost.

 

We had a good life together and loved each other. Then he started to change, he started doing strange, irrational things. Everyone noticed this, friends, family, neighbors.

 

I truly do not care what he is doing - I pretty much know what he is doing - he is riding around on his motorcycle with his girlfriend. He thinks he is a biker, plain and simple.

 

I just think the kids deserve some answers and they came to me for answers since he tells them nothing.

 

I don't think I will post anymore, I came here for support which I have received, but now I feel like I am being accused of things I have not done.

 

Im really sorry that everyone that has replied to you are accusing you of being "nosey". I really dont see how you are trying to pry information out of him. Of course it is your business if your 16 year old is upset. He has no right to just leave his children in the dark about his life. He divorced you, not his children.

 

Any man that can just leave his wife and child without notice or even discussing is a pathetic exuse for a person. I guess he thought since they were all almost grown they dont need a father anymore?? I dont get it. If I were you I would only discuss when and where your child will be when they visit, and child support etc. He obviously doesnt want to act like an adult, there is no point in trying to help him, he is not your responsibilty anymore. I hope your child can get through this best of luck.

[now_what]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Lost Soul. This has been a very difficult time. At this time in life I figured that he and I would have more free time together, since the kids were grown or almost grown. I had no idea that he would want to spend his life with someone else - it really hurt that he would throw everything way without even trying.

 

I feel so sad that for him being with his wife and daughter was not enough. After so many years of being with him, raising a family, creating a home I could not have imagined that this would happen. Of course, I did not do everything perfectly - no one can. But I was always where I was supposed to be, taking care of him and the kids, trying to give them a good life. I was not off chasing some elusive dream on a motorcycle.

 

He has been very good about the financial aspects of our dissolution - I just wish he could figure out the emotional part in order to have closer relationships with the kids. I'm ready to move forward with a new life for myself, I feel like a part of him is still scared and hiding because he is ashamed of his actions. I want him to get over this and move forward too without secrets - I've had enought to last a lifetime.

[Kamille]

Perhaps the reason your ex-H is being secretive is because he doesn't want to tell your children about his new girlfriend until he feels it is really worth mentionning to them. It's only been seven months for them, so its pretty soon to introduce her to the children.

 

I'm sure your ex has his reasons for behaving the way he does. I think what you could do is assess whether the kids are ready to hear about his life and then suggest to him that your daughters might benefit from knowing more about it. But in no way can you require that of him. That, like someone else said, is between him and his children.

[now_what]

Ok, so now I will act like the jealous ex for just a minute. My ex left me to move in with this biker chick woman who he says he had only known for 2 months - he claims he was only cheating on me for two months before he left. She let a married man whom she barely knew move in with her and helped him plot his escape. They live in a little run-down house 80 miles from his job in a little podunk town. She must be so damn special, you would think she would warrant a mention to the kids.

 

Ok, done with the jealous rampage.

 

I think I will mention just one time in a nice way that the kids - specifically our younger daughter - would like to know a bit more about his life. After that, I will not say anything more. If he wants to hurt his relationship with his children that will be his business. I will just concentrate on my relationship with my children - the one thing I can control.

[thelostsoul89]

Thats really all that you can do- do your thing, move on with your life. Be the best you can be for you and your children. Cheesy but true

 

If anything, this will teach your children who their father really is. Im sure this will help them in the long run. With their life, how they treat their loved ones etc.

 

From a young persons view ( i'm 20) having gone thru a similar situation. After everything was all said and done in all honesty, I am a stronger person. It does take time and yes it did hurt but now I can look back and know that I would never make those mistakes.

[now_what]

Lucky One - ok I will defend myself again. I'm am not wanting to know what my ex is doing - I just think if he was going to be out of town for two weeks he could have just mentioned to one of the kids where he was going - that's all. In the months he has been gone, I have not once wondered about what he was doing on the weekends. He had emailed me at work or called to let me know that he wanted to see our daughter, asking me what her schedule was. Sometimes when she was free, he had something going on, but I did not ask what it was. A couple of times he just randomly told me what he was doing - going hunting for the first time and calling me to send him his birth certificate so he could get a passport in case he wanted to go to Canada. I just listened to what he told me, I did not make any comments - it did not matter.

 

If he had not left, I was probably getting close to telling him to leave. I told him to figure out what he wanted in life, because I was sure it wasn't me. I was so unhappy with him, but I wanted to work on the marriage, yet he did not. If he had leveled with me, perhaps we would have decided that separation and dissolution was the best thing. We could have presented this decision to the kids and there would have been no need to sneak around and hide. He created this difficult situation himself, if he had just been open, there would be no hard feelings towards him from the older kids or my family.

 

Thinking back, I don't think I ever told my younger daughter that he is with a biker chick. I just told her that he was living with a woman. She wanted to know where he was, and he had not told her. I thought she had a right to know where her dad was - he is living about 45 minutes away.

 

We are not sworn enemies. We now talk to each other every couple of weeks. He got hurt at work and called me from the ambulance to let me know he had cracked his head open - he called again later to let me know he was ok. When I got a new tv, I asked him if he wanted the old one and he came to get it. I prepared his tax returns for him (I am an accountant) for which he was appreciative. I invited him to come to our daughter's 16th birthday party, he originally accepted, but later decided not to come - he took her out for their own celebration. He did thank me for the invitation though. We went to Florida the week after Easter - he called to wish us a good trip.

 

So, we can be quite civil with each other. I just wish he would discontinue his lifelong pattern of being secretive because someone might get mad. Over the years, trying to hide things made me angrier than whatever was trying to be hidden.

 

People can believe what they want, but I mean it when I say, I don't care what he is doing, we are no longer married, it is not my concern. I do NOT pump my kids for information, because it is the wrong thing to do. I want my daughter to feel good about her dad, so I have tried to be as respectful towards him as possible. On occasion, I have been upset from being hurt but she understands that. Now, my child is my #1 priority, before that it was my husband and family as a whole. I do not want to see her get hurt - I just thought it wouldn't have hurt for him to say he was going on vacation.

 

It did hurt my feelings to be accused of being obsessed with what he was doing and pumping the kids for information - I checked the forum on my break at work. and it made me cry. I come to the forum for support, not to be beaten up. I have been feeling pretty good, but this vacation thing just didn't set well with me.

[now_what]

OK, I'm over being upset, mad and defensive. Life is just too short for negative feelings.

 

I have a new issue, not related to a break-up, well in a way it is, but not my break-up. I have just been informed by my son that is is moving home after graduation in June. He broke up with his girlfriend of two years last month. They had been planning to move in together, while she finished up school - she has one year to go. I had wondered what the breakup meant as far as his living arrangements - and now I know. He says he will be moving home temporarily until he finds a good job.

 

This will be an adjustment - he has been away at school for most of the past four years. My daughter and I have gotten used to our quiet "just girls" lifestyle and she's not exactly thrilled. But, he is my son, he needs a place to live and he has been so supportive of me since his dad left.

 

The main problem was when he has been home on break or holidays, he is on quite a different schedule than everyone else, traipsing into the house in the middle of the night with his friends, playing games, watching tv, setting off the smoke detector cooking frozen pizzas. I stay up late, but this is at 3 or 4 in the morning. I'll just have to set some ground rules so we can all live together peacefully. Hopefully he can find a job, he has student loans to repay, some of which I think I cosigned. I'll have to help him write a REALLY good resume. He had asked me for my help with this a couple of weeks ago, but he was not in the mood to work on it - hopefully he will get in the mood, lol.

[sillyheart]

I understood quite clearly that you do not care what your x is up to after he split. It's for the sake of his relationship with his children.

 

I do know that the way he left, was cowardly, and pathetic. He only let you know through an email! After 30 years of marriage, you clearly deserve and deserved better.

 

A face to face explanation, a discussion, some closure. For him to just run away like that is very selfish. It's all about him right now, but it will come back to bite him in the ass.

 

Yes, I do believe it is your business, because of the way he left, he owes you an explanation, something! But, it's good that you haven't demanded it, and are just letting him "rediscover what he's been missing", or so to speak.

 

From what you said, that he cracked his head open, sounds like he's headed for disaster. All of his actions seem irrational and impulsive. Time is on your side. It's all a matter of time. Karma is a bitch.

[bean1]

This is so unfortunate... 16 years old and now you are 50 years old? I think that a lot of your actions are due to anger/this is part of a grieving process. As much as you say you know who he really is - I suppose that isn't true - because this isn't the man you thought he was. Have you spoken with a support group for divorced people? I think that would be very beneficial and at least give you some support in helping your children through this.

 

And don't worry about his girlfriend anyways, she didn't exactly win a prize here.

[hopesndreams]

And don't worry about his girlfriend anyways, she didn't exactly win a prize here.

 

But the OW did win a prize! A booby prize!!!

 

I know you loved him once and still has a place in your heart but can I just say, he is so messed up and you should be grateful for getting rid of that piece of sh*t. Your 16 year old daughter is old enough to deal with her father and not have you as a go-between. You must distance yourself from this man that you no longer know. The sooner he is out of your mind, the better, then you can do all the things in life that you could not do because you had been taking care of him since you were 16 years old.

 

The next time he calls you because he hurt himself let him hear just one thing from you....................click. He doesn't deserve you.

[hopesndreams]

It's only been seven months for them, so its pretty soon to introduce her to the children.

 

7 months is plenty of time to introduce her to the children, the only reason he hasn't is because he's ashamed, and for good reason. He betrayed their mother with this woman and doesn't want to deal with their negative reactions toward her and himself.

[amaysngrace]

I know this may sound far-fetched and it's probably not why he's being secretive...but I have to ask you...

 

...could he be in an outlaw motorcycle gang?