What are the deciding factors-

[Juristhea]

to get back with your ex?

 

I mean, aside from the psychological stand point of co-dependency, what are the other deciding factors which make people want to get back with their ex's?

[TOWinNYC]

For me it was the love we felt for each other over the years and the "connection" that neither one has been able to find with anyone else.

 

And the fact that our breakup was not due to problems within the relationship - but outside circumstances.

[quankanne]

do I really want to go back to the same old shxt? Or have we both matured enough to actually be successful this time?

[Juristhea]

For me it was the love we felt for each other over the years and the "connection" that neither one has been able to find with anyone else.

 

And the fact that our breakup was not due to problems within the relationship - but outside circumstances.

Circumstances like what? work? distance? 3rd party?

[TOWinNYC]

My particular circumstance was distance. And I wasn't mature enough to deal with a LDR back then.

 

IMO, I don't think a 3rd party can be considered "outside circumstances" - people tend to disagree with me (a lot) but I think cheating is a sign of issues within a Relationship.

[Juristhea]

My particular circumstance was distance. And I wasn't mature enough to deal with a LDR back then.

 

IMO, I don't think a 3rd party can be considered "outside circumstances" - people tend to disagree with me (a lot) but I think cheating is a sign of issues within a Relationship.

I definitely agree with you.

 

Cheating sometimes occur when a partner sees someone who can fulfill a need that their partner can't fulfill, like sex or attention or even time...

[Bluebird In My Heart]

to get back with your ex?

 

I mean, aside from the psychological stand point of co-dependency, what are the other deciding factors which make people want to get back with their ex's?

 

 

Great question, Juristhea!

 

 

Mostly, I think it is has to do with erroneous beliefs, rather than objective reality. Usually by the time it's broken, it's beyond repair...or just a misery to put oneself back into, really.

 

 

 

So many possible answers, but a few reasons I see a lot:

 

1. Feeling they don't have what it takes get through the emotional turmoil of the letting go process.

 

2. Believing in "The One Magical Person". There's only one, they feel they'll never find anyone who else who connects with them.

 

3. They find there's no grass greener on the other side, and start to romanticize what used to be.

 

4. Someone is better than no one at all.

 

5. Kids, pets, finances, home, lifestyle.

 

6. They genuinely feel that that there's been enough changed on both sides that giving it another go is worth the chance, when balanced against the chance of going through the pain of breaking up again.

 

 

 

This is what I see the most, sadly...

 

7. They have fooled themselves into thinking (usually for a variant/combo of reasons 1-5), that there's been enough changed on both sides that giving it another go is worth the chance, when balanced against the chance of going through the pain of breaking up again.

 

 

 

 

 

.

[scootncash]

Getting back together with an ex can be a tricky situation. If you dont take the time to evaluate what really went wrong, which includes taking a good look at yourself as well, then you end up rushing back too soon and it wont work because the same problems are there and they havent been resolved.

 

In the book "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs PHD and Masa Goetz PHD you can find a lot of answers and it was recommended by my therapist.

 

The thing is even if you do figure out what when wrong, because seperation is just the sympton, its not the problem, and your partner doesnt work on the changes necessary for them then you've lost the battle with reuniting.

 

The book talks about key strategies of a successful breakup and reunion. I wont go into to detail but I'll list them for you.

 

1. Take care of yourself

 

2. Get to know yourself-find out who you are and what you REALLY want

 

3. Work on strenthening your own identity

 

4. If you and your partner still speak, agree on ground rules that will

govern your actions during your time apart.

 

5. Think through and create a strategy for recreating a healthy and

loving relationship

 

6. Prepare for those times when you seem to be unable to go forward.

 

7. Build a support network of people who root for you and your well-being

 

8. Communication and trust are the keys to intimacy.

 

9. Commit to resolving old habits and destructive behaviors that damage

your relationship, and learn what is needed to make love flourish.

 

10. Think of reconciliation as the start of a new relationship. Be realistic.

 

The thing is that mostly everyone who has had a breakup wishes at one point that their partner would come back and everything be wonderful again, but that is reality. The relationship can never go back to what it was, obviously there was something wrong or you wouldnt have broken up. Look at it as a time to heal and work on you and really think about what you want from a good relationship not just the one you had. Its hard to be in that position, I've been there.

 

Good luck, take care, hope this helps!

 

11. Commit to sustaining you new relationship.

[Juristhea]

Wow. You guys have given great insights. It's too bad some people don't see it this way when they want to get back with their ex.

[popey]

I agree, good advice from bluebird and scoot. I'll add one thing... if you decide to go back, make sure words and actions match. Many people say things, and may be well intended or not... in the end it doesn't matter, if you don't get what you need on the action side.

[Juristhea]

I've been searching for articles and here's what I found:

 

This one is short: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_people_go_back_to_their_ex_spouses

[scootncash]

Just a quick note on codependency. There are tons of people with it but dont even realize it.

 

These poor people stay in relationships that they know are suitable for them. The reason is a very dangerous weakness called: I want to be happy and only someone else can do it for me. Sometimes it often referred to as stupid happiness.

 

That is why you have to work on you especially if you feel like someone else needs to make you happy. That also stems from not being able to see and deal with your weaknesses but instead you project the responsiblity for your happiness on someone else. Practice happiness. Only you can make yourself happy.

[scootncash]

I've been searching for articles and here's what I found:

 

This one is short: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_people_go_back_to_their_ex_spouses

 

 

The grass is always greener is one of the reasons but only one. That answer also made it sound like once someone leaves for greener grass and decides the old partner is better and then the old partner takes them back. That's not always the case. Sometimes the old partner figures out whats better for them besides Mr. Green Jeans and moves on to a healthier relationship, especially if Mr. Green Jeans didnt change his destructive behaviors and figure out himself!

[Juristhea]

The grass is always greener is one of the reasons but only one. That answer also made it sound like once someone leaves for greener grass and decides the old partner is better and then the old partner takes them back. That's not always the case. Sometimes the old partner figures out whats better for them besides Mr. Green Jeans and moves on to a healthier relationship, especially if Mr. Green Jeans didnt change his destructive behaviors and figure out himself!

My fiance's closest friend is actually very co-dependent with his girlfriend, even though his other friends never really approved of the girl..

 

I think my fiance chose the term "Pussy-whipped" because of his condition and yes, the guy is indeed being abused verbally by the girl and she never lets him join in any of our activities like swimming, going on a trip and stuff like that.

 

The guy was also at a loss since he never really listened to my fiance and other friend's advices, heck even his dad hates the girl.

 

What would this tell you?

[scootncash]

My fiance's closest friend is actually very co-dependent with his girlfriend, even though his other friends never really approved of the girl..

 

I think my fiance chose the term "Pussy-whipped" because of his condition and yes, the guy is indeed being abused verbally by the girl and she never lets him join in any of our activities like swimming, going on a trip and stuff like that.

 

The guy was also at a loss since he never really listened to my fiance and other friend's advices, heck even his dad hates the girl.

 

What would this tell you?

 

 

I think its a little more than codependency. This poor fellow probably suffers greatly from low self esteem and she is obviously a complete opposite of what he needs. She tears him and and he gets punished because he feels justified by his low self esteem thoughts each time she tears him down so he just keeps coming back for more. Its a vicious cycle and he probably thinks that he "really loves her and she is so worth it because she will be my knight in shinning armour and save me from the very fear inside of me."

 

This guy probably had something in his past that he never really quite dealt with in a healthy way. He probably craves intimacy so desperately but he is so insecure with himself that somewhere deep down inside he knows he can do better but its easier to stay in the vicious cycle than to face his fears.

 

I'd be willing to bet that if he had a genuine, caring and considerate female who helped build up his self esteem, which by the way would be good for him, he'd probably let that ole voice inside say no your not her equal you dont deserve her and pass her right on by.

 

Some people are gluttons for punishment rather than face their fears, or sometimes they really dont know how to face them or even what the problem is. He obviously doesnt see the destructive cycle. Its ashame that he couldnt get into a little therapy to help him out.

[Juristhea]

I think its a little more than codependency. This poor fellow probably suffers greatly from low self esteem and she is obviously a complete opposite of what he needs. She tears him and and he gets punished because he feels justified by his low self esteem thoughts each time she tears him down so he just keeps coming back for more. Its a vicious cycle and he probably thinks that he "really loves her and she is so worth it because she will be my knight in shinning armour and save me from the very fear inside of me."

 

This guy probably had something in his past that he never really quite dealt with in a healthy way. He probably craves intimacy so desperately but he is so insecure with himself that somewhere deep down inside he knows he can do better but its easier to stay in the vicious cycle than to face his fears.

 

I'd be willing to bet that if he had a genuine, caring and considerate female who helped build up his self esteem, which by the way would be good for him, he'd probably let that ole voice inside say no your not her equal you dont deserve her and pass her right on by.

 

Some people are gluttons for punishment rather than face their fears, or sometimes they really dont know how to face them or even what the problem is. He obviously doesnt see the destructive cycle. Its ashame that he couldnt get into a little therapy to help him out.

Yeah.

 

That was what my fiance was telling us. On top of all of that, we begin to hate this guy because he's been lying to us and giving us pathetic excuses everytime he fails to show up at a gathering or a meet up.

 

He would give out some excuse like "Im going with my dad to the province to take picture of a land he just acquired" and on that same day, we saw his dad in the convenience store.

 

One of my fiance's closest friend said that he's lying to us because the girl doesnt want him to hang out with us. I mean, I'm not really close to my fiance's circle of friends but it's not even right for a girl to make a guy choose between her and friends, right?

[scootncash]

A girl should never make a guy choose. Thats really just throwing an ultimatum at him. If you cant let someone live their live then you obviously need help with your own. She certainly has some very domineering and control issues. I'd like to be a fly on the wall for her therapy sessions.

 

But honestly, I wouldnt be too hard on the guy for making excuses. If you step out of his shoes for just a moment and really feel what mess he is in then you might understand why he does it. Personally I think he is really embarrassed of his treatement by her, he is aware that you guys all know about it, and with his poor self esteem, he probably figures you guys see him as weak...hence...pussy whiped. I cant imagine how he feels. I really feel for him.

 

Think about it this way, would you , if you were him, want to be around a great group of people that you really wish deep down inside would like you and accept you, bring her or an association with her to your group of friends? Im betting you would probably all do the same thing he's doing.

 

Its sad to see such a mess of one mans life and the destructive woman who needs to bring him down to make her look better. Hopefully one day he will seek help and ultimately leave her on her low level and just enjoy being a happy person.

 

Come to think of it, I dont know a whole lot of men who would put up with a destructive woman like he does. Im sure she is happy to hang onto him because he is definitely a few and far between kind of man that she needs to sustain her own selfish destructive needs. You know what they say about Karma!

[Juristhea]

A girl should never make a guy choose. Thats really just throwing an ultimatum at him. If you cant let someone live their live then you obviously need help with your own. She certainly has some very domineering and control issues. I'd like to be a fly on the wall for her therapy sessions.

 

But honestly, I wouldnt be too hard on the guy for making excuses. If you step out of his shoes for just a moment and really feel what mess he is in then you might understand why he does it. Personally I think he is really embarrassed of his treatement by her, he is aware that you guys all know about it, and with his poor self esteem, he probably figures you guys see him as weak...hence...pussy whiped. I cant imagine how he feels. I really feel for him.

 

Think about it this way, would you , if you were him, want to be around a great group of people that you really wish deep down inside would like you and accept you, bring her or an association with her to your group of friends? Im betting you would probably all do the same thing he's doing.

 

Its sad to see such a mess of one mans life and the destructive woman who needs to bring him down to make her look better. Hopefully one day he will seek help and ultimately leave her on her low level and just enjoy being a happy person.

 

Come to think of it, I dont know a whole lot of men who would put up with a destructive woman like he does. Im sure she is happy to hang onto him because he is definitely a few and far between kind of man that she needs to sustain her own selfish destructive needs. You know what they say about Karma!

Well, my fiance and the others certainly understand him, and my fiance did tell him like a million times, "if you cant come with us, then just say so. don't give out so many excuse. we never asked why you cant come in the first place."

 

As for the girl, well she's now in a faraway land to work and the guy is taking care of their kid.

[scootncash]

Well poor guy cant admit the truth to you all even though he figures you probably already know. Its hard to just bust out with the truth and he figures probably that he is sparing you guys from the drama.

 

Great guy, smart woman, now she has a babysitter in the deal while she is off doing heavens knows what!

 

Keep us updated on this poor fellow. And, you know your a great person for even thinking of the poor guys situation. He is lucky to have you guys as friends even if he doesnt know it!

 

You seem to be a sincere caring person and its so refreshing to talk with genuine people!