kac33 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Hi all- My wife of almost 16 years has informed me in no uncertain terms that she is not happy, has not been for several years and wants out..she's "done". Although we have had issues over the years it still is just sinking in as a real possibility. My story is complicated...we survived early in our marriage infertility, adoption, autism in our adopted daughter, and two layoffs and moves. Among other things, with our autistic daughter we have not had any time together really for many years which has not helped. The reality is she may not want to reconcile and I don't really want to leave her and my daughter. So here is the question...by temporarily moving to another part of the house and being legally separated for awhile, can this work? Money is tight and we have a big mortgage and can't really afford an apartment. I have suggested moving to the second floor and she said as long as all of my stuff was out so that she can have her own space. I think I can do this but is this just a prelude to really moving out and can it work? She is ice cold to me and I really don't know what to do. Any thoughts out there??? Thanks....
alphamale Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 So here is the question...by temporarily moving to another part of the house and being legally separated for awhile, can this work?.... no, no it can't
delajoonal Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 ugh! that depends on the 2 of you sitting down and really working out some issues and negotiating the situation? also, if you file for legal separation ( california law) ONE of you would have to move out within 6.5 weeks, weird number i know...you can find out more just google legal separation, etc.. i can tell you from MY experience, i made my stbxh leave, he had an online EA, and i was livid and beyond hurt...that was 2 months ago..they (stbx & OW) are no longer speaking, and now we are able to communicate a bit to negotiate the OUR own legal separation. i think your W will definately need some alone time...she sounds angry...so, everything you do, good or bad, is just going to make her more irriatated and angryr. maybe a mediator would help? MC? well, good luck..and take care..
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 no, no it can't I agree. and you need to figure out if she wants to leave because more often than not a woman that wants to seperate hardly ever comes back. Whe may be a Walk-away-wife. and you should make moves before she do.
Just Angel Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What would happen if you tell her that since she is the unhappy one, that she is the one who needs to leave?
Author kac33 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thanks for all the insight. I think if I said she needed to leave she would and take my daughter...but she has said my daughter needs her home. Icould see her leaving my daughter with me for awhile so that I would have to deal with all of the change. I am also afraid of all the steps ahead she might have on me. I don't want to get caught off guard too much but also want to be smart. I guess at some point soon I have to accept it.
Owl Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It really depends on a couple of things... My wife and I did an "in home seperation" for about 3 weeks, shortly after her emotional affair with another guy. In our case it helped...but there were reasons why we needed to do this. In your case...what was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? Rarely do you see women make the statements she's made if they don't already have a "backup plan" and "exit strategy"...usually in the form of another man. Have you considered that possibility. Last thought...what specifically do you hope to gain with an in-house seperation? What, specifically, does SHE think it's going to do for the two of you?
Bluebird In My Heart Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Thanks for all the insight. I think if I said she needed to leave she would and take my daughter...but she has said my daughter needs her home. Icould see her leaving my daughter with me for awhile so that I would have to deal with all of the change. I am also afraid of all the steps ahead she might have on me. I don't want to get caught off guard too much but also want to be smart. I guess at some point soon I have to accept it. You two really need to communicate. Really. Is she willing to go to MC w/ you? One idea is to let her know that if she is "done" - then you can't compel her to stick it out. However, you share, and will always share, responsibility for a daughter that has special needs. The child is not going to go away, so you both need to learn to deal. Since apparently this woman is unprepared to be a little mature and communicate with you in a complete way, and wants to go - really it's fine. But she could at least, for the kid's sake if nothing else -- deign to take her ass to MC if only so you two can hammer out a plan to exit this thing with dignity -- since she appears to be hellbent on leaving your marriage. I hope she deal with it. She needs to, this child does NOT need this tension. You do NOT either, btw. Don't put up with limbo, or her acting out. It'll only make you crazy. Best of luck to you. *hugs and best wishes* .
confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 In my experience-It didn't work at all. It was UGLY! But only one of us wanted the separation. It seems that this is the norm these days. Lots of people going thru separations / divorces- but because of economy are forced to live under the same roof. We didn't - I moved out - We're back together now & paying heavily for our time apart financially.
seibert253 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Any chance of MC and IC for both of you to try and fix what's broke? Have you sat with her and had this discussion? If she still wants to check out, then I would advise against an "in-home" seperation. Any contact with her, seeing her in passing, etc, would be very painful to you. If your marriage is done, you need time and distance from her to heal and move on. Living in the same home will not let you accomplish this. Another thing to consider, having her move out will allow her to experience life without you. This may help her to reconsider whether she truly wants to check out of your marriage.
FragileSwan Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If a wife wants a separation, it's only a test to see what her man is made of. If he acts passive, deferring to her, she will continue to act up, in hopes he will put his foot down, claim her for his wife, and tell her no one else is ever going to have her besides him. That's what women want: a man who can make decisions; who knows what he wants. If a woman wanted to be consulted on everything, she wouldn't get married. Women naturally feel insecure with a man who doesn't act like a man. Speaking of in home separations, my friend, we'll call her Beth, was living with her husband, under the same roof, but they weren't sleeping together, because she wanted some space. She was out walking her dog, and one of her neighbors liked the dog. After a few times walking her dog, this guy was always outside, and she kind of liked him. She took precautions not to have him park in the driveway, but one day he just stopped by to say hi, and he parked there. Her husband came home from work early, something he hadn't done for twenty years, walked in the house, and saw this new guy kissing his wife. It was only a kiss, but, will call him Roger, picked up baseball bat, and beat this guy, and wouldn't let him get out the door. He just kept beating him with the bat. Beth was saying, "Oh my God", over and over. She was watching her new friend's blood get sprayed all over her kitchen. When Roger was done, the other guy, I don't even know his name, crawled out to his car, and passed out on his car seat. Beth called 911 and said there was a man in her kitchen, who attacked her, and was forcing himself on her, and her husband beat him severely. So Roger didn't get in any trouble, but the thing is, that can happen. I guess Beth was so moved by Roger's valiant defense of her honor, that she fell in love with him all over again, and their marriage is off to another good start. But you know what I think? I think guys like Roger protect all wives from other men. Every time a guy stands up for what's his, it speaks for all men, everywhere, because no OM knows which JH is going to be the one to bash the OM's head in. So, if I were you, I'd stake my claim to my wife, and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that if you find her with another man, it isn't going to be pretty for her or him. Men have really lost their manhood, because of all this feminization of men and boys. If a guy wants his wife for himself, and she's acting up, he's the one who has to be masculine, and take her. Women are dying to have real men; men who will fight for them, and not cave in to a little threat. A man who won't claim his wife for his own, like this: 'You are my wife, and we're not getting a separation, or a divorce, because you belong to me. So forget it. Now make some dinner. I've got a special surprise for you for later', don't deserve their wives. Then, after dinner, pin her down, and ravage her. That's what women are missing. Pleasure makes women feel guilty. If she gets forced, she can enjoy the pleasure, without feeling guilty, because if she's forced, she does not sin. It's an evolutionary artifact, built into the human gene pool, over thousands of years. Wives just do not feel comfortable when they consent to pleasure. After a while the wife can't even stand to be near her husband, so she asks for space. What she is really asking for is guilt free pleasure. This isn't rocket science. It's common sense 101.
SRV Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 FragileSwan, which hole did you just crawl out from????
Owl Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I wouldn't stress over it, SRV. He'll be gone as soon as his mother (whose basement he is living in) sees his post and takes away his internet privileges.
hopesndreams Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Stay tuned for the next episode of "As the Stomach Turns" after these commercial breaks.
hopesndreams Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I think I can do this but is this just a prelude to really moving out and can it work? Yes, it is a prelude to really moving out and yes it can work if both of you don't want reconciliation. As you say..she's done...and from what I have read...you are not done. You can use this time to check out of the relationship gradually and prolong the agony for yourself or bite the bullet and tell her to take a hike. She wants out so it is she that needs to leave the home.
Billy Bob Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If a wife wants a separation, it's only a test to see what her man is made of. If he acts passive, deferring to her, she will continue to act up, in hopes he will put his foot down, claim her for his wife, and tell her no one else is ever going to have her besides him.. Dude, too much porn.... Funny read though..
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