wheelzgurl Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 So I believe I'm the umpteenth woman to post this exact issue on this forum. But everytime I read the other posts they are either older than me or in a different situation, that in my mind would effect their boyfriend's decision to propose. We have been together since sophmore year of highschool and have been dating a total of 7 years. I'm 23 and he is 24. He is so wishy washy about marriage and family. I don't know if I'm asking too soon and he isn't ready for commitments like this... or if I'm not the one for him and he is waiting for someone better to come along. We fight like any normal couple and there are disagreements and such. Nothing too major. We live together and rent an apartment. We have adopted two kitties who are like our kids (his words, not mine). I feel like hes commited to me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around how marriage would be something negative to our relationship. I want to be married and joined in God's eyes. I want the legal and spiritual rights as a married couple. I want to be his wife and have his children. I've told him that if we get engaged the wedding would be a couple years off. Kids would be a few more years down the line. I want to be married for a bit before starting a family. I'm not one to rush, but I feel like we have been together long enough to establish a steady relationship and that marriage would be the next step. I don't even want a huge wedding or some crazy engagement. I just want to be his wife. His family. Thats all. I haven't mentioned marriage or anything of the sort to him in over a year. Everytime we have this conversation it ends in tears on my part. He says "of course I want to marry you, just not now" and he goes on to explain that he doesn't have enough money and he wants to fully support me and such. I've always thought that if a man wants to marry you, he will, despite debt or hardships. I don't want to beg him to marry me, I want him to want to marry me. But there isn't much I can do to change that. I'm not going to give him an ultimatium... but I'm unsure on how to fully explain to him how much it means to me. I'm not sure if I'm posting on here because I'm looking for advice... or to hear from someone who is the exception. Any input is most appreciated. Thank you all, Wheelzgurl Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Wheelz, You might try letting him know you are running out of patience. Tell him that your life goals include marriage, family and children. Make sure he knows that he's the only choice you've made. Also let him know that it could change. You really don't want to be making a decision at 40 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey McG Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I was with my girlfriend for 7 years before we got engaged. She also got frustrated. We were a couple of years older when we got together, but I had similar reasoning. I didn't propose until I was 26 because prior to that I didn't have any viable prospects. I didn't have a decent career and couldn't really be a bread-winner if it was the requirement. I didn't feel ready because I didn't feel like a proper established adult, though I did know I wanted to be with her. Once my career started looking promising I proposed as I figured I could be a decent husband (financially at least). Then came the stress of the actual organising of the wedding and dealing with both mine and her more eccentric family members, but that's a different story altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Jada Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Well if he hasn't asked you know he won't. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I never really wanted to marry my ex and we were together for 10 years. There were many reasons, but in the end I'm glad I didn't life would have been difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Well it looks like he told you his reason, he doesn't feel financially ready. That sounds like a valid concern, but it could be an excuse..we don't know. Yes, 7 years is a long time, however you started dating in high school and are still on the young side. That's a little different story. I understand your impatience, it's very hard to wait. I would not go the ultimatum route, would you want to force someone to marry you? Probably not. It sounds like you have talked to him about this many times or else I would suggest it. He told you he wants to marry you and propose, and yes you have been together for 7 years but you guys still have lots of time to be together. And if you aren't in a rush to get married, then why are you hurrying into an engagement? It sounds to me like you are more insecure about your relationship and THATS the reason you want to get engaged, as opposed to really wanting to marry him. I know this because I did the same thing. Have faith in him..he isn't going anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 He told you his reason. He isn't ready to get married for financial reasons. I know it's difficult, because you have to wait a long time due to meeting him when you were both young. But if you love him, you will need to wait until he is financially ready. Men don't marry until they are ready. In fact, men will often marry not the woman of their dreams if they just happen to be ready to get married at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
broken umbrella Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 He told you his reason. He isn't ready to get married for financial reasons. I know it's difficult, because you have to wait a long time due to meeting him when you were both young. But if you love him, you will need to wait until he is financially ready. That's it. He is not yet ready. At 24 he still probably has a lot of things to figure out before he can begin to think about being responsible for a family. On your timeline, you want to be married by 26, and having kids by 28 maybe 30? That means he needs to get his act together pretty fast. Having a timeline only puts pressure on him to make decisions that he may not be ready for. If you love him, enjoy what you have now. Marriage and kids change everything, you will never get this time where you can just enjoy each other back. ENJOY IT! Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I agree with some of what the other posters have said. You are still both young - give it time. But besides that - I find it revealing that you say "7 years and no commitment" in your title. What do you call 7 years? Does he do NOTHING that shows his commitment to you? How about the rent sharing? The cats that he calls your children? His continued commitment to come home to you each night? The fact that he stays faithful (I assume he does, or why would you want to marry him)? The words and actions that he says/does to show that he loves you? These things don't say "commitment" to you? I think it's kind of sad that a guy can do so much for a girl, but not quite enough in her eyes. I guess if getting married is more important to you than true commitment, then find somebody else that's willing and ready right now. I'm not trying to be harsh - just pointing out the glaringly obvious, here. Give the guy a little credit. I mean, seriously - what IS he worth to you? Link to post Share on other sites
kandiSugar Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 So I believe I'm the umpteenth woman to post this exact issue on this forum. But everytime I read the other posts they are either older than me or in a different situation, that in my mind would effect their boyfriend's decision to propose. We have been together since sophmore year of highschool and have been dating a total of 7 years. I'm 23 and he is 24. He is so wishy washy about marriage and family. I don't know if I'm asking too soon and he isn't ready for commitments like this... or if I'm not the one for him and he is waiting for someone better to come along. We fight like any normal couple and there are disagreements and such. Nothing too major. We live together and rent an apartment. We have adopted two kitties who are like our kids (his words, not mine). I feel like hes commited to me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around how marriage would be something negative to our relationship. I want to be married and joined in God's eyes. I want the legal and spiritual rights as a married couple. I want to be his wife and have his children. I've told him that if we get engaged the wedding would be a couple years off. Kids would be a few more years down the line. I want to be married for a bit before starting a family. I'm not one to rush, but I feel like we have been together long enough to establish a steady relationship and that marriage would be the next step. I don't even want a huge wedding or some crazy engagement. I just want to be his wife. His family. Thats all. I haven't mentioned marriage or anything of the sort to him in over a year. Everytime we have this conversation it ends in tears on my part. He says "of course I want to marry you, just not now" and he goes on to explain that he doesn't have enough money and he wants to fully support me and such. I've always thought that if a man wants to marry you, he will, despite debt or hardships. I don't want to beg him to marry me, I want him to want to marry me. But there isn't much I can do to change that. I'm not going to give him an ultimatium... but I'm unsure on how to fully explain to him how much it means to me. I'm not sure if I'm posting on here because I'm looking for advice... or to hear from someone who is the exception. Any input is most appreciated. Thank you all, I know just how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for over 12 years we are living together and have 4 children. I always tell him now is the time for me I am ready yo be married and the children want us to be married, but he always says we need to get a house first ( I agree) but in the mean time we can be engeged I would like to be married before I am 35 at least I am 31 now and he will be 40 on his birthday so he better hurry up cause I am pretty sure I don't want to be walking down the isle to meen no old man (lol). I have a good job and he ows his own business, so he doesn't have to take care of us. I believe a relationship in 50/50. I just want to get married so he better hurry up and propose quick. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I know how frustrating this situation can be. I was in a relationship for 8 years that never went anywhere. We started dating when I was 18 and I ended it when I was 26. I realized that if he hadn't asked me by then, he was never going to. I also realized though, since then, that I am glad I did not get married to him. The only guy I had ever known since I was 18 was him. I think that it is extremely important to date many different people before you get married so that you know what you want in a partner. You have been dating this guy since you were 16, so you don't have much experience and maybe you are just with this guy because it is comfortable. Don't just get married for the sake of being married. It is not a milestone. Do it because you truly love someone and don't want to be without them. Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I used to think that if a guy didn't propose quickly that he was never going to, but I used to sit next to this girl at work. She recently got engaged and then married. They waited 8 years. At first, I didn't understand it, but she said they met in high school so they just weren't ready. It wasn't until they both got out of university and worked for a couple of years that they were ready. Link to post Share on other sites
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