PaperCuts Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Me and my best friend have been mates for around a year now. We've known each other for much longer but never thought we had much in common. When actually we had lots and shared the same beliefs and interests. When we were both in the last year of high school he was always the confident one, he had a girlfriend and many friends, he was talented at sport and seemed to go out regularly to hang around with people in the year. I was more the opposite, I never had much confidence, wasn't good in the looks department or at sport. I suppose I was more intelligent though. I never had a girlfriend and didn't socialise much at all. Last Summer we really got to know each other, we'd play out every single day in the sun. I managed to persuade him to fight for a place at the college I was going to and he got in. Over the Summer he split up with his girlfriend. He hated the split, and one thing he said to me about her was that she gave him a lot of confidence. But I know that he had some confidence before meeting her anyway. He is not very open with his feelings and thoughts (typical guy!) and so I kind of have to read him. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who can read him. Since around Christmas he has really changed. Going to a new college with some old mates (including me) I thought he would fit in really well and make a lot of new friends. I thought he would carry on being confident and carry on being, well, fun. But now he is none of that. He hangs around with me all the time, which I don't mind, but it is like I have leeched his confidence and now it is me who talks to lots of others when he says nothing. I try to get him to contribute in these conversations, saying that they're my mates and they're cool people, but he always says that he never has anything to say. Because of this we have never really been accepted into a group, which I always had in high school and therefore I feel a bit alienated. It hurts me to say this but it's kind of like he's a burden on me. In terms of friends who he would call and go out with after college, I think I'm the only one. I myself, who have never been very popular, probably have around 6-10 of these "second-band" friends, although they're all from different circles. Whenever I go out I always try to bring him as well but he always fails to connect with anyone. In my opinion this is because he is not putting effort in with anyone, it is not the other people's fault. His actions are so strange and they're starting to worry me. I know it's nothing like depression, I know that for a fact. He is a very good-looking guy, with many girls saying that he looks hot, so theres nothing wrong there. He is also doing well in his studies, and is on his way to playing a sport professional soon. But socially, there is definitely something wrong. Like I said he has lost his confidence with guys and girls, he no longer cracks jokes, he never seems to want to to anything and it is always me calling on him and organising things to do. It is like he has given up on people. I have no idea why this is as he has had no bad situations with anyone (hasn't lost a good friend for instance) recently and he always seemed to value his mates. But what should I do? I sat down and talked to him and said that you can actually learn to become confident but he didn't really believe me, saying that it's something your born with. I said that he had changed a lot but he never really replied. Like I said, he is not a very open person and keeps his feelings and emotions to himself. I'm not in the best of state as a mate, I actually do suffer from depression and anxiety. I also have difficulties in understanding and reading people (especially girls) but I feel as though I have put in a lot of effort in making the friends I have. But nevertheless I want to do everything I can to help him. I am his only real friend. It would be great if he had a close female friend as I think girls are better at sorting this kind of stuff out and getting something out of him - he could definitely do with a girl in his life (as a close friend or gf). Ideally I would like him to find two or three other close friends and then we can all hang around together. Guys/girls - a mixture of people who share the same interests etc, that's kind of what I am used to from high school. Unfortunately in choosing to become great friends with him, I lost some of my former friends, but I'm glad I "gambled". But yeh to conclude, what can I do to help him? Thanks for reading. Oh and btw we're both 17 yrs old.
bluechocolate Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 This happens to some people who are popular & outgoing in high school & then go on to college or university to become the opposite. Big fish in a little pond becomes little fish in a big pond, that kind of thing. ...what can I do to help him? It sounds to me like you've done a lot already but ultimately you are not responsible for his state of mind. Keep inviting him along, but not out of sympathy, only if you're still enjoying his company. Also, try to cultivate other friendships, with & without him. You maybe his only real friend but that doesn't mean you can't, & shouldn't, have others. You sound like a great friend, he's lucky to have you.
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