sequesi Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Help! Looking back, maybe we should not have gotten married. I got married last fall. We are both mid-thirties, this is first marriage for both of us. My husband is a very caring guy, a nice friend to have for anybody, and we have some very good conversations and quite a few good laughs. However, I would rather not have sex with him; and at this point I'm happier when we are doing separate activities. Let me point out that we didn't have good sex when we were dating either - right now, we are once a month or less. And it has not been good. Even the honeymoon sex was kind of lame. Things about marriage that make me unhappy: I dislike having to account for myself and my spending. I dislike not having private space. I do not want to talk about sex or why it's not good or why we aren't having it. We each have income, we split the bills although I pay for my house and he pays for his house (we didn't sell his house - using it as rental property - I bought a house shortly before we got married for us to move into together - we picked that house together). This all feels very surreal. I always thought that I was more decisive than this, that I would know whether I was marrying the right person. I cannot decide how much of this thought process to share with my H. I cannot decipher whether this marriage is entirely off course. We even did pre-marital counseling and went back to the counselor after H was laid off shortly after our wedding. We get along fairly well - but we're a lot like roommates - and, frankly, I prefer to live alone if that's the choice presented to me. There's so many people on these forums with much bigger issues (finances, substance abuse, etc). I have to wonder if anyone will even notice this posting. But I just feel like I have no friends to tell this to, and I'm good friends with my mom, but I can't have this conversation with her until I have something to say other than "I'm not happy."
laRubiaBonita Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 how long did you date and how long was the engagement
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 What were your expectations going into the marriage? I'm assuming things were basically the same minus the financial stuff....so were you happy before tying the knot? It sounds like you just settled for a nice guy you got along with. You said the sex was never good....why expect something different? I think your problem is him. You just aren't as into him as you want to be. I can understand not wanting to account for your money...if that was the only issue, that's easily fixed...But you basically don't want to be around him. Have you done some soul searching to figure out why you feel this way? It's natural to go through ups and downs...but it seems like you have totally disconnected. I would see an individual counselor first to help make sense of your feelings and then go to a MC if you truly want to continue the marriage. You can't go on like this though..it's a miserable situation to be in...especially when your husband hasn't really done anything wrong. Wish I had some better advise for you.
Author sequesi Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 We dated for about one year before getting engaged, although there was a period during that year when we were not together. Then our engagement was about 8 months long. It did not feel that we rushed into things. And by the time you are mid-thirties, it's not your first relationship.
Author sequesi Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 sotired. Disconnected is probably the perfect word for my set of emotions. Makes me sad, but it's probably true. And I know that it is bleeding over into other areas of my life. I went through some really tough days a couple of months ago, then felt a bit better about the world and my place in it. Now I'm just struggling to understand. Thank you for your reply.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 so why did you think he was the one you wanted to be with forever? besides being nice and all....... i mean why did you accept and get married? what were you trying to gain by this? what did you think it would be like? did you think the sex going to magically get good once the ring was on your finger?
bluechocolate Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I do not want to talk about sex or why it's not good or why we aren't having it. Then it will never get better. And private space ? Well one has to assume that when you make a decision to live with someone your private space is going to be diminished. Not gone entirely, but certainly you can't expect to live as a singleton. I cannot decide how much of this thought process to share with my H. Pretty much all of it I'd say, that is IF you want your marriage to be successful. Looking back, maybe we should not have gotten married. Right now it's sounds like there is no maybe about it.
Author sequesi Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 i mean why did you accept and get married? what were you trying to gain by this? what did you think it would be like? did you think the sex going to magically get good once the ring was on your finger? I love the idea of marriage. I have some trouble with the realities of it. I know this. I thought my H was a good fit for me - we get a long and have similar morals/values. And as for the sex, I was not very concerned about it. I've never had good sex last into a relationship in any prior relationships. I figured that we would get better at it. I did not expect that he would be disturbed by the quantity/quality of our sex (in other words, I didn't realize it was bad for him, too). And I mentioned it in the original message to try to present a complete picture - I've read plenty of articles now and many of them (too many, IMHO) focus on sexual frequency as a huge cause/effect for breakup.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 yeah... my post was kinda redundant... do you want things to work out? i mean if everything were perfect would you be happy? how would everything be perfect?
Snowflower Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I could be off-base here but do you think some of your problems might stem from the fact that both you and your husband were single for such a long time? (I think I read that this was a first marriage for both of you) Heck, by the time you're in your mid-30's, you have a pretty good idea of who you are and you are likely VERY used to living alone. So, I'm guessing that at least part of the problem might be the fact that each of you has to get used to living with the other one. It could just take some time to get used to really being a couple. It is a huge adjustment to going from being single and doing what you want to being married and bam! there is now someone else sleeping in your bed, sharing your bathroom and your life.
Author sequesi Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 I can't picture what it means for things to work out. I have no vision for us. That doesn't mean I'm giving up right now, even though I feel very disconnected, but I just don't have any idea of what we will be in one year or five years or whatever. I don't picture it. I can't picture it. But I couldn't before - and I can't even picture myself in one year or five years.
LonelyTiger Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I love the idea of marriage. I have some trouble with the realities of it. I know this. I thought my H was a good fit for me - we get a long and have similar morals/values. Call me a romantic but people usually get married because they love the other person, find them very physically attractive and want to build a life with them. The romance often dies but, if you're lucky, what you're left with is someone who is very caring, a nice friend to have for anybody, and you have some very good conversations and quite a few good laughs. If you're very lucky you also still have some good sex. Obviously this all takes a bit of work! Sequesi, you seem to have a very rational, almost calculated idea of marriage. You may love the idea of marriage, but do you love this man?
Lizzie60 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My advice: get a divorce .. you each have a house... no kids.. so it should be fairly easy.
jwi71 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 The problem is you are in love with the IDEA(L) of marriage. However, the REALITY of marriage is altogether different. As you have learned. Look...the first 6 months should be the best...its the honeymoon phase. And it already sucks for you. Bail. You don't sound like marriage material - and there is nothing wrong with that.
Heroic Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 You aren't interested in building a future with him. Walk away.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What I think is wrong is that when you two got married, you both fell OUT of love for each other even though you were engaged and together for a long time. Believe it or not, SEX doesn't get better even when you're married, unless you discover something kinky. Weren't there any doubts in your mind or your husband's mind about getting married?
laRubiaBonita Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I can't picture what it means for things to work out. I have no vision for us. That doesn't mean I'm giving up right now, even though I feel very disconnected, but I just don't have any idea of what we will be in one year or five years or whatever. I don't picture it. I can't picture it. But I couldn't before - and I can't even picture myself in one year or five years. i can't really see myself in the future either...... i think i know what i want from myself and my life and it has changed and grown, as have. i have been married for a little over 6 months too..... it is different, not really bad different- but not what i had imagined- but not in a bad way. i adapt, i am very flexible (on most things). i love my husband dearly..... nut i still cannot see our lives in 5 years. i know we will be happy.... but i don't know what that will entail, and i am totally fine with it. can you try and alter your expectations? it will take some repetitive practice and self conditioning...... i also think your husband should be made aware- at least somewhat of your feelings.
manugeorge Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I think you should see a counselor first, get to the root of what's bothering you before you unleash on your husband. It's not fair to him, especially if he thinks things are great between you. Like you said, you have to be able to have more to tell him than "I'm not happy". You yourself can't even put your finger on what is wrong, he will definitely be overwhelmed with helplessness if you express the scattered thoughts you are currently having. A therapist will tell you that sometimes, our unhapiness is within us, but we don't always realize that, so we pick the next available "scapegoat" and make it/him/them the bane of our existence. In order words, you could very well be projecting negative feelings you are having about yourself onto your marriage. Let a counselor help you figure out what sh*t belongs in what pile before you clue your husband in.
Heroic Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Believe it or not, SEX doesn't get better even when you're married, unless you discover something kinky. Then you're doing it wrong....
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 What I was trying to imply was that people get married because sometimes they think it makes the SEX better...
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe your personality requires you to live a more free-spirit lifestyle and you are not cut for a marriage? Hey! not everything is for everyone. I say this... gear towards deciding on what to do next, before you end up creating a family (slim chance if you dont have sex often! LOL! you never know...) because then it will be 1000 times harder to walk away. You are right, other people have greater issues because different people have different vices. Seems like the privacy issue and the sexual disconnection is irking you, when there are other people that this is secondary to them. They care more about stability and values. List your pros and cons. Wish you luck and hope you can find a solution before things get out of hand. Be blessed.
Scottdmw Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I think others have covered the most obvious points, in particular the usefulness of talking to your husband about some of this and getting some counselling. Let me add a few others that are "long-shots" but you might want to think about. I believe it is natural that a man who loses his job may suffer a major loss in self-esteem. In addition, even if he doesn't, it is also somewhat common for a woman to find a man less attractive when he loses his job. This is not to say that women are being unfair or any such thing, some people say it's just the way we are wired. Has your husband gotten a new job? It may change how you both feel. Another random question, do you use the pill for contraception? A possible side-effect is reduced sex drive: http://www.epigee.org/guide/pill_sex.html "In January 2006, a new study was released illustrating possible long-term effects of the birth control pill on the female libido. Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, this study finds that women using the birth control pill showed markedly-decreased levels of sexual desire than those women who do not use the birth control pill. It also found that women who had discontinued use of the pill continued to suffer side effects in the long-term." Another possible side-effect is a change in which men you find attractive: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article4516566.ece I wish you the best in a difficult situation. Scott
toughchoices Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Open up the communication. Nothing will get better if you don't address it. Especially the sex.
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