Hyzenthlay Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Ok, I need some fresh insight on my relationship. This is going to be a long post, so sorry about that! But if anyone could manage to stomach it all, and then give me a new perspective on my situation, that'd be great, because I'm too "stuck" inside of it to really see my way out, know what I mean? I'm 19, about to be done with my sophomore year in college. I got together with my current boyfriend when we were both high school seniors. Been going out for about 2 and a 1/2 years. Now, for our issues: Last semester he took a Philosophy course that seemed to change his entire view on love. He was originally a Marketing major, but happily switched to Philosophy once he realized how much more he enjoyed that subject. This particular gateway Philosophy course that he took was entitled "Sexuality and Love," or something to that effect. He would call me after class and tell me all of his thrilling new "enlightened" viewpoints - like how monogamy isn't necessary or even good, and how he no longer thinks that he truly is monogamous. How we should be able to fall in love and/or have sex with multiple people, and how he wishes he could do so, but society doesn't allow him to at this point. I tried to be understanding. However, for obvious reasons, it hurt. What was I supposed to do? I love the man, but the views he was espousing (and still does, to a large degree) are ones that I find hurtful. I've had the sense, ever since he took that class, that he has been moving away from a definition of love that I hold dear and true, and instead replacing it with some new-age, progressive, and (in my opinion) cynical view of love and sex, where it's all interchangable...one person as good as the next. I am one of those crazy people who believes in sticking it out for that ONE person. My parents did it that way - been happily married for decades (while nearly everyone in his family is divorced, incidentally). I truly believe in the power of building a life, a love, between only two people. I believe in monogamy and I believe in sacrificing for another person. It took hearing him say all the opposite things for me to realize this about myself. Now, whenever this subject gets brought up, I start crying and he gets frustrated. He comes from a background where conflict is totally avoided at all costs. He can't and won't ask his parents for anything, and his entire family seems hellbent on suffering in silence, nobody raising a voice for fear of causing a row. I come from a family where everyone is free to voice complaints. As a result, he gets tired of conflict very easily; when he sees that one of our conversations is headed down an unpleasant path, I can sense in his voice and in his face that he wishes it would just be over. Nevertheless, he does his best to continue communicating, but it makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm burdening him or hurting him by continuing the unpleasant conversation, and as a result usually feel unsure about whether I should just shut up and leave it be, or keep pressing the matter and force a conclusion. Another big issue is that he is firmly an In-the-Present Person. If we focus too much on goals, he says, we lose appreciation for what's happening right now in our race to reach them. This is admittedly very true, and I've told him so. And it's also true that it doesn't make any sense to unnecessarily glorify the past. But though I enjoy this stage of my life, I also have fun looking forward to the future. I used to pressure him about marriage, which I realized was silly to do at our age and stopped. But I still think it's fun to occasionally think about graduate school, and the like, but when I bring these topics up he immediately jumps to tell me not to focus on them too much. It's like I'm a little child and he feels like he needs to instruct me not to focus too much on what might not happen. But I simply like to plan, that's all; he hates plans (and has said so outright). I feel uncomfortable now bringing up ANY topics that have to do with the future, because then he'll just remind me to focus on the present. Insight? How do we fix these issues? He says we don't need to agree on everything to be successfully in love, but I can't help but think that with issues this large, they NEED to be addressed and fixed before we can move forward. Oh, and just because this post is going to make it seem as though we have nothing but problems, I should add that overall, we have a very honest, thoughtful, kind-hearted relationship. We treat each other well on a day-to-day basis and care very deeply for each other, even if this post doesn't make it seem that way. Ironically, after I stopped pressuring him about it (which I still can't believe I did when we're so young!), he came to me and told me himself that he sees us married after college is done. This is not a relationship that either of us is willing to give up on without a fight.
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I know you don't want to hear this. But get out now before you get further invested. A man who doesn't believe in monogamy...and has now rationalized it in his mind and been encouraged to think this way by his classes isn't going to be compatible with a woman who isn't going to share. He may say that he'll be faithful, but he'll cheat on you and make you the bad guy because he was upfront with his feelings. It also gives him an easy out. People who are not compatible at their cores aren't going to make it work. No matter how hard you try, you are going to be the one compromising for his beliefs.
way_2_tired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Your relationship sounds a lot like the one I just ended. First off, why would you stay with a guy who won't be faithful when that is what you will do and want? Secondly, be yourself! Some people like to be able to say what they think. My family may argue at times, but we also show a lot of love. I couldn't stand my ex and his family's placid boring ways and their insistance that their way was the only right way. don't belive them! there is nothing wrong with having some emotion or being a planner for that matter. Do you really want to be with somebody who is going to try to change such major parts of who you are?
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