GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 In a nutshell, I have a boyfriend, we have been dating for a little over a year, we live together with the intention of getting married in the future. We are both 30. I don't have a very close relationship with my family but they live nearby and I see them twice a month, mostly to visit my nieces and nephews. My mom tries to talk to me once a week, just to say hello but I don't always pick up or return her call because to me, that's too much. If I already see her twice a week, I don't need the "checking up" calls, it makes me feel like a child. Anyway, she asked for my boyfriend's phone number and I relunctantly gave it to her. I let her have it, just in case any emergencies arise and she can't reach me, and vice versa but I expressly told her not to call him like she does me. A few days later, she called him, left a message for him to call her back. I'm thinking just to say hello as they don't really know each other at all. He told me about it and I told him to call her back if he likes but I won't tell him what to do as I don't want my somewhat tense relationship wth my mom to reflect on whatever relationship he chooses to have/develop with her. He didn't call her back and now she is asking me why, and that she thinks it is rude especially if he lives with her daughter as a husband to be. I'm caught in the middle and torn. On one hand, I don't always respond to my mother's calls, (there is a long history there). On the other hand, I don't want him to be rude/disrespectful to my mom. What is his obligation here? Should he make any effort in befriending my family or should all his contact with them come through me? I should mention that there is a huge cultural/language barrier between them. My boyfriend is American and my mom comes from a different culture where friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, in-laws, are considered as family too.
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 You are getting in your own way. You feel your mom's calls, checking in, etc. make you feel like a child. By your BF not returning her call - that comes off as childish behavior. So, the call should be returned. Even with cultral differences, a possibly controlling parent, and a need to "keep some distance" ...the call needs to be returned. At least this first one. Since you are planning on your BF to become part of your family...he is going to need to get used to their wanting to know him. Together, the two of you can keep your boundaries in effect. But in a friendly way.
Author GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 You are getting in your own way. You feel your mom's calls, checking in, etc. make you feel like a child. By your BF not returning her call - that comes off as childish behavior. So, the call should be returned. Even with cultral differences, a possibly controlling parent, and a need to "keep some distance" ...the call needs to be returned. At least this first one. Since you are planning on your BF to become part of your family...he is going to need to get used to their wanting to know him. Together, the two of you can keep your boundaries in effect. But in a friendly way. Thank you, that's what I'm leaning towards too. If her calls become frequent, then I will tell her to respect his space and back off but he should respond to this first one out of courtesy. The thing is, it's been almost 2 weeks since she has called. I think he is mimicking the way I respond to my mom (right or wrong) so perhaps some of the fault is mine.
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 2 weeks?? Holy crap! You know, you might want to consider something here. You will always be your mother's child. Like it or not, she may always treat you or make you feel - somewhat childish. OK. But , there is no reason for your BF to have the same relationship with your mother. In fact - there could be an opportunity here. First, you dont know if your mother will treat him the same way, since HE is not her child. And then, even if she does...he can buffer that by acting as any adult would in a relationship with another adult. He can do this easily, where the nature of the parent /child relationship may prevent you somewhat. You see? This can be a good thing. Now, as to the two weeks....Does she know for sure he received the message?
Author GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 2sure, thanks, you make great points. I think the way I talk about my relationship with my mother has made him gun shy perhaps. That, compounded with the language barrier, doesn't help matters much. He has only met my family twice and with my mom's heavily accented English, he could barely understand what she was saying so he just sort of nodded and smiled. My mom and I are still struggling with the daughter/child boundary, we probably always will, I guess. And my boyfriend is always within earshot when I rant about her. I will tell him to save face by saying he didn't get her message. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Thanks again for your insights.
TaraMaiden Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Yes, but that would be a lie and deceitful... if you still have boundary issues with your mother, is deceit going to make this better or worse? never tell lies. Never try to cover up for others, because that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is you, and your relationship with your mother. What others do between themselves is their affair. Keep out of it.... if you keep your distance, you cannot be held responsible for what transpires (whether the accuser is holding you responsible or not...) They are grown people, they can work this out, can't they?
Sam Spade Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My policy is that inlaws are evil, life sucking creatures (even in the rare instances when they're nice ), and should stay away from a relationship as far as possible . I think that your boyfriend did the right thing by ignoring her call. It doesn't mean that he is not, and won't be nice to her, but I think he's setting some sort of boundary, so cudos to him. That said, it's still a difficult situation. But unless she called for some very specific reason, I still think it is wiser of him not to return the call. If he does, this will be the first step of her prying her way into your relationship .
manugeorge Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My policy is that inlaws are evil, life sucking creatures (even in the rare instances when they're nice ), and should stay away from a relationship as far as possible . I think that your boyfriend did the right thing by ignoring her call. It doesn't mean that he is not, and won't be nice to her, but I think he's setting some sort of boundary, so cudos to him. That said, it's still a difficult situation. But unless she called for some very specific reason, I still think it is wiser of him not to return the call. If he does, this will be the first step of her prying her way into your relationship . But Sam, don't you think the boyfriend is automatically assuming a hostile position from the get go by ignoring her call? Why would that be necessary? He doesn't know her mother, so why would he summon up his dukes before even giving her a chance to befriend him.
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Well, I'd tell the lie. I do want to give you one further piece of advice, for what its worth: Let your BF and Mother form their own relationship. Close or distant , whatever ends up suiting THEM. This is going to be important in the future. *The mother/adult daughter relationship can be a tricky and changing one. While your spouse should always support you - you should not encourage him to blindly follow your lead. He may be the voice of reason on occasion. *If he follows only your lead- when you are arguing w/ your mom, and a week later you forget about it - he wont! Tell him you need him simply to be polite and respectful , and to form his own relationship with your family.
Sam Spade Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 But Sam, don't you think the boyfriend is automatically assuming a hostile position from the get go by ignoring her call? Why would that be necessary? He doesn't know her mother, so why would he summon up his dukes before even giving her a chance to befriend him. Yeah, that's why I said it's a difficult situation. But in spite of the risk of this being interpreted as a hostile position, I still think it is better to take the risk/tradeoff and make it up in ither ways. He can compensate by being nice to her in other situations, be super sweet to her at dinner, buy her flowers or something... No hard and fast rules here, but pretty difficult balance. Without boundaries, things can escalate pretty quickly to a horrendous everybody loves raymond situation. Relationship with in-laws is a common marriage problem. My girlfriend's mother is pretty cool & awesome, but even with that, I'd prefer to keep at a distance (i.e. no 1-1 interaction), except in family functions. By the way, my gf is also from a pretty traditional family. So traditional, that soon after we started going out, on one of the nights she didn't come home one of her relatives called me to leave me a message that they wonder where she is and they're worried, so could I please call back etc. I surely didn't return that ****er's call , but I'm nice to him whenever we encounter each other at family functions.
Star Gazer Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I really agree with 2sure. I've made it a point to create my own relationship with my BF's mother. I really adore her.
Author GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Hmmm...Is it ok for him to CHOOSE not to return my mom's call? Because come to think of it, when she first called, I did tell him to call her back at his own discretion and that I was going to stay out of it. And he never called. What if he really doesn't want to talk to her? I don't want to force him to but I would appreciate if he didn't just ignore her like some piece of furniture. There is a part of me that is fiercely protective of my mother, yet there is another part of me that wants to maintain this distance from her UNTIL she treats me like an adult...which is something she doesn't do. Those two sides confuse the heck out of me. I'm not asking them to be chummy, merely that he'd be civil and couteous to her. And when she is crossing the line, I will definitely let her know to can it. But then wouldn't that involve too much meddling on my part? I admit, I will be offended if he admits he just doesn't want to talk to her.... I'm so confused. p.s. SamSpade, you make good points but my relationship can never escalate to an Everybody loves Raymond situation. That would be my nightmare and I'd jump off a bridge before I let that happen. I should point out that my mom is the only one in my family who's this engaging, the rest of the family is not. They are content with talking to y boyfriend at family functions I choose to take him to, which are very very few.
Star Gazer Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 GF - I think your feelings are perfectly normal. It's a sort of "I can talk crap about my momma, but you can't" sort of rationale. Perfectly understandable, IMO. You have your reasons to avoid her calls; he doesn't. If I were you, I'd be upset that he didn't call her as well.
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