Cinnamon777 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I've been married for 8 years, with my husband for just about 10 years total. We have 2 children, (7) and (4). Most of our relationship, my husband has gotten into long periods of consuming excessive alcohol. I felt nervous about going through with the marriage, but he stopped drinking, told me it wasn't going to be a problem, told me lots of things that I wanted to hear. I ignored my intuition and went through with the marriage. Through the years I've encouraged him to get help. I've discussed my many feelings regarding the situation from anger, disappointment, frustration... He has stopped for periods of time, for various reasons, sometimes due to embarrassing us both at family gatherings, but then returned again to the drinking. He had a strict childhood and developed a negative self image. He often has a negative outlook on life. I've encouraged him to change careers to do what he loves, but he doesn't want to turn it into work and he's afraid he will fail our family. While I've told him differently, he just can't embrace the possibilties it could bring. Instead, to provide for and love us, he has stayed in a career that stresses him, he has managed our finances well, (though the drinking has stressed our budget at times), and he has suffered with life so our family could have all it needs - except he was absent even while being at home with us. Spending time with the kids has been more like an obligation. He says they bring him joy... but it is only in a few fleeting moments from what I can tell. Over time, my feelings have been fading for him. The drinking has really hurt since he's not really present when he's in that mode of behavior. He considers it a bad habit, like smoking, and not really a problem. I've distanced myself emotionally, stop believing things that he tells me about how our life will be in the future, about things he wants to do... it all has proven to be just talk over the years. Little to no follow-through. I've been in counseling for a few weeks and have come to realize that I just don't love him anymore. I feel ready to break away from the marriage, even though it will be challenging especially with kids. Right now, my husband is dry so I feel like it's a safe time to leave so that he will be more mentally present in the situation. I feel bad about leaving though. I know it's going to be tough on the kids. I don't think my husband really understands or believes that my feelings for him have changed. He's been in a fantasy that everything is just fine since I have not tried to leave before. Even though I have told him before that I'm unhappy. He just doesn't understand and asks me "Why Now!" He wants another chance, but I've given him many opportunities over the years. I just don't feel any desire to try anymore. I've felt empty inside for so long. He wants me to tell him what to fix, how to make things better. He begs, cries, pleads with me that things will be different. He will change. He will do anything I tell him... it's so heart breaking. I hate to see him feel so crushed. He says he loves me, but I don't feel it. I haven't felt it in so long. I just feel this emptiness... almost like a vacuum that I poured so much into for so long that it sucked me dry. I don't know how to help him understand. I don't know how to pull away without destrying him. I just want to be happy, feel alive again, and be able to love someone that I can feel loving me back. I've read so many posts about people being dumped so cruelly, and I don't want my husband to feel like I didn't recognize or appreciate his feelings. Can I support him and leave him at the same time??
stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I can identify with you somewhat. I am in the midst of a break up from a three year relationship. For the longest time I tried to earn this guy's love or convince him why I'm so great. I never have felt that he truly loved me either and I'm also tired of trying. It is really awful that unfortunately you got married and you have children, but if you don't love someone you just don't love them. I would recommend making it as quick as possible. You sound a lot like me in that you are afraid to do the selfish thing and look out for yourself first. Which is what he has been doing this whole time in not giving you the love you need & deserve. Someone always gets hurt in a break up, and yes it will likely hurt him a great deal, but it sounds pretty clear that you two are not meant to be together or you would not feel this way. You can be sensitive to his feelings and feel badly for him, but both of us have to learn to look out for ourselves!
Author Cinnamon777 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 It's so hard for me to be selfish. He has been selfish for so long, even though he feels like he has sacrificed so much for our family. I think he just didn't realize the burden of responsibility he would feel being married and having kids. I've tried so hard to help him... he's ready now, but my heart left the relationship a long time ago. You're right about needing to look out for ourselves... it's so important. I lost sight of that healthy vision of myself and I'm trying to get it back again. Thanks for writing Stace... it helps to get some support and encouragement. Stay strong yourself and good job taking care of yourself by ending something that didn't bring love into your life.
stace79 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I truly wish you the best with this. I have never believed exes when they told me that breaking up with me was hard on them, too, but now I get it. I had the official conversation last night, and I am just miserable today. He begged and cried and pleaded -- even resorted to asking me to marry him. And I had to say no to all of that. Basically he forced me to be a bitch about it -- telling him I just don't care anymore, that all I wanted was to be out of the relationship. I hate being mean to him, and now today I am sad to say I am more worried about whether or not he is doing okay. I even asked my family to pray for HIM last night because I felt so badly for him. I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm not changing my mind. I just wish I didn't have to hurt anyone like that.
Author Cinnamon777 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 It is SO hard when they are begging and crying. I imagine that it felt so awful for you, but I'm proud of you for being strong and following through with it. It's hard not to get sucked back in with the guilt, but it's very manipulating for them to tell us how awful they feel as they forget how awful they made us feel for so long before finally sticking up for ourselves and saying NO MORE. I asked my family to help my husband with love and prayers too... I feel it's the least I can do for him as I pull away. Doing the right thing sometimes sucks really bad... it hurts a lot... but in the end it is the right thing. I know how you feel. I wish I didn't have to hurt my husband too. Big Hugs Stace!
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