Skies Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I am a little confused at this point and advices are more than welcome. Here is the situation: We have been together for about 6 months, and during the last couple months we have spent almost every night together. I have been planning to buy a house later this year or next spring, and our original plan was that we will get engaged and move in together after I buy the house. He's still in his PhD program, and working part time, so the idea is that I would be paying the down pay but we would pay our house mortgage together. We originally planned to buy the house in September, get engaged, and move in together. Yesterday, while he was cleaning up his house, he said he couldn't wait to have our house and that we could maybe move in together first in September. In that case, he thinks that I would be patient about buying the house and that I could save up more money to pay the down payment. The thing is, I just moved to an apartment closer to his house this spring, and I kind of don't want to move again in September. I am saving up fast to buy a house and I think it will happen soon so I don't want to move three times in a year. That was the first thing, and the second thing is I'm confused by his idea that he wanted to move in before we get engaged. He said that it is not reasonable to get engaged before we even live together. I agree this to some extent, but I also felt sad that he considered we haven't known each other well enough even though I felt the other way. I thought that we have already spent almost every day and night together in the past six months, and I don't mind keeping our momentum for the next six months, then we could get engaged, buy a house, and move in together. But now he said that he couldn't stand his own house and roommates, and he probably couldn't wait until I buy the new house, and that the current house is too small for both of our stuff. He also mentioned that he might not be ready to buy an engagement ring yet, so maybe we could live in together first. When he talked about this on Sunday, I don't know why I just had this mixed feelings of feeling happy, anxious, worried and helpless, which made me stress out a little bit. And he said he could see that I'm a little stressed right now, maybe I'm not ready to move in together yet, and that he's willing to wait until I'm ready, but he will probably just move out his house in September. The question is, I don't understand my own feelings. I have been the person who has always wanted to be with him, always wanted us to move in together. But after all these, when he actually talked about it, I regressed? Was it because that he felt that he was not ready to get engaged first before moving in? Was it because after all these stories about how living in without commitment tear apart lovely couples? (I sort of had the same experience so I guess that was where my anxiety initially came from) Should I just trust him totally and move in together in September? Should I wait and buy the house later in the winter? If I don't get to buy the house until next spring, should I wait until we get engaged to move in together? I'm confused...
Author Skies Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 also I wondered if it's because of financial reason, such as he felt that he might not be able to co-pay the mortgage if I don't put down a good amount of down payment to get a good rate. So he's worrying about my decision of getting the house too soon? my original thought was to put down 10% of the down pay, but he said putting down 20% would help me get a better rate.
GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Wait it out until all your ducks are in a row. Think about it, what is the rush? Why MUST you move in together in September? If he is truly sick of his roommates, and your relationship doesn't exist, what would he do? NOT moving in together in September definitely has less or no cons. Moving in together has all these flags attached to it. I'd say you should work out the flags first. Trust me, I cohabitate now and it's not nearly as glamorous as you may think it is. And my boyfriend is an angel. Just wait until you get everything situated, however many years that takes, and THEN move in together. It's not like your relationship is going anywhere.
Author Skies Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks for your advice! Your first question makes a lot of sense. As he also mentioned that maybe he would just move out first in September, and I stay at my current place if I'm not ready. I guess this is what he would do if our relationship doesn't exist. But I just moved from miles and miles away to some place closer to him this January, and if he moves closer to school, I'll be miles and miles away from him again. Plus his school is really close to where I works. So all in all it seems that it makes the most economic sense to move in together to some place near to school. The issues is I'd rather wait until we get engaged, and he's rushing to move out in September. I had an experience of cohabitation couple years ago and I just have this belief that w/o commitment cohabitation won't work. Do you feel that living together strengthen your relationship? Wait it out until all your ducks are in a row. Think about it, what is the rush? Why MUST you move in together in September? If he is truly sick of his roommates, and your relationship doesn't exist, what would he do? NOT moving in together in September definitely has less or no cons. Moving in together has all these flags attached to it. I'd say you should work out the flags first. Trust me, I cohabitate now and it's not nearly as glamorous as you may think it is. And my boyfriend is an angel. Just wait until you get everything situated, however many years that takes, and THEN move in together. It's not like your relationship is going anywhere.
Author Skies Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 I guess it's also because I have been wanting to move in together so bad, and meanwhile I also realized all the flags attached, like you said, but I don't want to reject his suggestion, I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him.
GroupFitness Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Not wanting to move in together RIGHT NOW doesn't mean you don't want to be with him. You both have to be mature enough to understand the benefits of delayed gratification. If he automatically jumps to that conclusion, then he has issues. Pull out a piece of paper and make a list of the pros and cons of moving together in September. Be as objective as much as possible. And the whole "I've been itching to live together" is not a pro. You have to specify why you have been dying to live together and figure out which one is actually tangibly beneficial and which one is just frou frou romance--I want to wake up to him everyday-- (There will be time for that later). On the flip side too, why are you insistent on getting engaged before you move in together? Commitment is a mindset you know? and Engagements are broken everyday just like relationships are. Just because someone gets engaged to you doesn't mean they will or have to marry you. So think about that carefully. Living together has brought my boyfriend and I closer but honestly, not many things have popped up that I didn't already know or wouldn't have found out eventually if we lived apart. So I don't necessarily see the glamour there. If anything, I would say it was more glamorous living apart because those few days you get to spend together are cherished a lot more. Living together makes you a bit too comfortable and you tend to take each other for granted.
Author Skies Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 haha, your response makes me feel much better, especially when you mentioned about the pros and cons. Thanks and I think I will focus on getting my own house first, and let him do the move if he wants. But this definitely helps a lot. Wish you two the best as well!
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