OWoman Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My H's xW was recently dumped by her BF and has suddenly remembered she has kids, and suddenly wants to spend time with them. Hesitantly, they went. The kids were due to perform at a local fair, and had invited H and me some time back. xW however mailed H to say she intended to go, but didn't want me there (she reluctantly conceded that H, as their father, had the right to go). She also told H that she intended to go to the funeral his uncle, and that I should therefore not go - even though I am very close to his aunt and had assured her on the phone (we speak daily) that I'd be there - since she (xW) had the "prior claim". H's initial response was to decide not to go to the local fair out of consideration for her feelings, but when we discussed her email he changed his mind. I felt that both events - the local function and the funeral - were not about us or her, but about others - the kids in the first instance, and his aunt and her family in the second. We should all behave as adults and either attend (as I intended to) or not (if she so chose) but to keep in mind that it was not about our issues, and to behave appropriately and respectfully of those whose events they were. I also felt that he and I were now M, and that his x needed to get used to that fact and accept that I had an independent R with the kids, and with his family, and that thinking in terms of "prior claim" was both petty and inappropriate. We went to the local fair, which we enjoyed. She stared at us throughout. We didn't stay afterward, but did stop to congratulate the kids on a fine performance. Next day his aunt phoned me in great relief to let me know that xW had just phoned her to say she wouldn't be attending the funeral. The funeral was fairly intimate and it would have been very awkward for the rest of the family, a number of whom haven't seen us since our M so were full of congratulations and joy to see us, had she been there. But it did mean the kids couldn't attend the funeral, as she'd taken them somewhere else that day. Being teens, they probably enjoyed that more than a funeral, but it was of concern that they were not given the choice, and that they're now feeling that there are sides to be taken. This is what we've (H and I) been trying to avoid, as the kids had made it clear that they wanted to live with us, and we'd been trying to avoid a situation of alienation one way or the other, hoping that they could maintain a R with their mother as well as with us. It now seems as if she's hellbent on preventing that, as if she wants them to choose her or us - just as someone pointed out to me her mail was intended to force H to choose between her and me (no brainer! How could she hope to win that one? Who chooses their xW over their W?) It seems to me that it's a destructive path she's choosing, and one that can only end badly for her - which is, of course, her right to choose; but I worry about the impact this will have on the kids. I've suggested to H that he and the kids return to family counselling to work through this, but the kids are less than enthusiastic about that prospect (and its impact on their burgeoning social lives). Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to handle this to prevent further escalation?
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 This is the hard stuff. How typical, regardless of the circumstances of their divorce...for one spouse to suddenly have new interest in family drama when they are dumped by a SO. Many Exs are fine and amicable when they are dating or involved but when they are not....look out. The good part here is that the kids are Teens. Their preference, schedules, etc DO count. If they have been living with you, odds are good that they can legally remain doing so - if they choose to voice their opinion. The best thing, as always, is to be the parent with the least drama. Demonstrate that you would never make them choose, that living with you does not mean not choosing Mom. Be the stable one, ignore her drama , remain consistent. The kids will see and feel this - and benefit from it regardless of where they live. Chances are good that should they choose to stay with her...or will be a short lived decision. The EX, who has already demonstrated her nature and priorities...will soon lose interest again. Are they good kids? Its easy for teens to stray when a parent is not interested or diligent. But still - they have you and H.
serial muse Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I've suggested to H that he and the kids return to family counselling to work through this, but the kids are less than enthusiastic about that prospect (and its impact on their burgeoning social lives). Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to handle this to prevent further escalation? Hm. I can understand that the kids might be less than enthusiastic about family counseling and are more caught up in their own social lives - but this is their chance to put aside their issues to work through this together as an extended family. I think counseling is a very good plan. Perhaps if your H agrees to encourage them wholeheartedly to go to counseling - even though it might be tempting to let them off the hook on the basis that they've been through enough - it will have the desired effect. I think a lot of times parents from separated/divorced families don't want to ask for these kinds of concessions from their kids because they feel guilty. But that does no one any good, really. And these kids are teens, not little. I think in the long run it'll probably be good for them to actively participate in the healing in this small way, social lives notwithstanding. Edited to add: 2sure's point that their social lives matter is a good one; you certainly don't want to give the impression that anyone's riding roughshod over them or forcing them to do anything...but again, I think the best outcome would be if they understood it was their choice to participate, and that he's requesting that they do so.
jwi71 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Owoman, Sorry this has landed on your doorstep. I would sit the kids down and tell them, truthfully and with little bias as possible, what is happening. Ask them what they want. Use the fair as an example and tell THEM what you told US. That you and your H and the xW all wanted to go but were afraid it would cause tension and "spoil" it for all. Ask them how the think you should have handled it. I would also speak of the funeral. Again ask for their input. Ask what they want. Then comes the hard part. Sitting down with the xW and having a discussion about this. I would consider having the children and other family members present. The goal is NOT to choose sides or place blame or re-open old wounds but to come to agreement on these types of situations. Actually, the goal is for the xW to realize or say that the kids needs and wants come first - which is why you ask them so YOU ALREADY KNOW. Guide the discussion appropriately. And try and resist the temptation to "win" because you already have the kid's answers. Be prepared to "give" some.
jimj_123 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I haven't read every word of every reply here, but for whatever it's worth, the adults need to be the grown-ups in every situation here. The kids have a hard enough time without competition, bickering, etc. among the parents and other adults. Call me a softie or whatever, but it's the parents who have to "grow up" sometimes.
LakesideDream Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 OWoman, Yup, the hard stuff. I was in a similar situation, I suppose I still am. Not and OM, I was (as you know) a BS, but it's a difference without a difference. I missed out on some of my adult daughters events, including her graduations (BA/MA which I paid for) because I wasn't up to being around her mother and her lover, later husband. I don't regret it. I really wasn't up to it. At that point in time I might have been damaged by the realities of the situation. Gotta live with it. There will be many more times like the one you just lived through. The kids are young. Buck up friend, it a part of your life now.
Author OWoman Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 It seems my reply got lost 2sure - they are good kids; they're pleasers, like H. They want to make everyone else happy, and put their own wants and needs aside. Their counsellor said this was common behaviour in "co-narcissists" - that growing up around their mother they'd learned that the only "valid" feelings were hers (and their father's appeasing behaviour had affirmed this to them). They're better than they used to be - instead of withdrawal or passive aggression when things go badly for them, they're now able to speak about it - but their knee-jerk mode is still to try to make everything perfect for everyone else. It DOES worry me that this might make them susceptible to peer pressure in unhealthy ways - but so far the only manifestation of that has been their wardrobes sm - they feel kinda "btdt" on the counselling, though it was useful to them leading up to the split. They say that they want to move on and let things normalise, and that going back into counselling will keep them in a space which signals "crisis", and that's not what they feel they need. I'm less certain - there are clearly new factors now and I think a "booster" might be useful. I'll suggest at least a single session - during which they can use the space argue that they don't need it and feel heard! jwi - I'm not sure that we're the best placed to have that conversation with them. As I mentioned, they're pleasers, so likely to say that what they "really want" is what they imagine we would want them to "really want". And of course sitting down with xW is unlikely to happen if she's unwilling to be in the same place as me - or even as H, since he's now "shown his true colours". jimj - I couldn't agree more! I just wish all the players did! LsD - I do think there's a difference between your CHOOSING not to attend because of your concern for your own health, and H's xW's INSTRUCTING HIM that I shouldn't attend. If she'd simply offered apologies - citing her "other plans" or simply just apologising - and stayed away, no one would have thought twice. But by escalating it into An Issue and creating a conflict zone around the kids, it's now become Something We All Have To Deal With. If it were just us adults, I'd not give it a second thought. But with kids writing important exams being caught in the crossfire, I do need to contain this as best I can to minimise the damage to them. It's funny - this is not the first time I've been through this. I step-parented my xH's kids and had similar issues from his xW all that time ago - but it seemed so much easier at the time. Perhaps I'm just getting old?
quankanne Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 *smile* Nah, just less willing to deal with stupid BS dished out by the kids' mom! the refresher visit to the counselor's office sounds like a good thing, just remind them that they're getting the necessary tools to deal with similar issues in their adulthood. And really, they need an unbiased environment where they can discuss what's going on and get the pointers they need to deal with these kinds of things. you're a good mom, OW – too bad the ex is a self-involved witch. As if her demands matter when YOU are the one who is part of the family!
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