greengoddess Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My husband and I both have facebooks and we both have many friends malee and female that are not mutual from high school and college. My husband reconnected with a friend from college. Married woman who lives quite a distance. She was in the area and my husband told me a half an hour before the fact that he was meeting this friend from 23 years ago for lunch. He said she's married, they were good friends and she was in the area for a few days blah blah blah. Ok he went to lunch and they caught up and I wasn't thrilled about it but he gave me no reason not to trust him. Fast forward a month and this woman whose facebook is private so I can not see it is posting pictures publicly so myself and my children can see of the two of them in college. Arms around each other in one, another one with her on his lap but he is in a santa suit. Oh and I was dating him at the time these pictures were taken so that kind of upset me a little but then I look at my kids facebooks and there are pictures everywhere with arms around different people that I know are just friends. The illogical side of me is finding this very disrespectful of her to me and my kids. The logical side says they were friends and she is having fun posting very old pictures. I was thinking of putting in a friend request to her basically saying since you went to lunch recently with my husband and are now posting pictures of the two of you I thought I should say hello. Should I or just leave it alone? If I do a friend request what should I say?
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I think it's more disrespectful of your husband to keep in contact with someone that obviously has feelings for him. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well....
Author greengoddess Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 sotired I did address that with my husband and am taking care of that end. My question concerns her and what I should do.
Juniper22 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I don't see any reason why you couldn't send her a friend request. If there is nothing there anyway but them being old friends, it shouldn't matter and she shouldn't have a problem with it. BTW, lots of people put up pics on there from way back when. I have had many people I went to school/college with post pics from our high school and college days, and I have done the same.
Author greengoddess Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks Juniper. How would you word it? I just don't want to come across as the jealous bitcy wife. Yes there are a lot of pictures posted from our college days.
bluechocolate Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I was thinking of putting in a friend request to her basically saying since you went to lunch recently with my husband and are now posting pictures of the two of you I thought I should say hello. That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I was thinking of putting in a friend request to her basically saying since you went to lunch recently with my husband and are now posting pictures of the two of you I thought I should say hello. Should I or just leave it alone? If I do a friend request what should I say? Nah, I'd do just what you said...send her a friend request. What is she going to do? If she denies your request, she has something to hide. Afterall, if she went to lunch with your husband, then you deserve transparency. If she allows it, then you can see what she has on the page, or it will make her stop posting anything inappropriate. have you talked to your husband about this possible request? Or about her behavior on her facebook account? Or, since you both have facebook accounts, you should both have each others password. No reason for either of you to keep that a secret, and if you have his password, you can see what she puts on there because they are obviously on the "friends" list...right? This is why I don't want anyone with a facebook/myspace account. Too much secrecy and red flags.
stuckinoz Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Ahh - the old Facebook arguement. My husband & I both have Facebook & I do enjoy re-connecting with old friends - but I do think that it's going to be the end of some marriages. Same as old chat forums (yahoo & aol) I don't blame FACEBOOK itsself, I just think it makes it easier for situations like this to happen. I agree, you should "friend" her - but if she says No or Ignores your request......... Why can't your husband "unfriend" her? That will solve the problem of seeing those photos posted. Also, do you know your husbands password? Because there could be "private" emails floating back & forth as well. I'm interested how you solve this dilema.
Author greengoddess Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Dexter Morgan I can't imagine asking my husband for his facebook password. That seems like such a violation of trust and privacy. It's not that hee would not give it to me if I asked it's just it would seem like such a slap and as if I was saying I do not trust you, which is not the case. Yes I told him that his "lunchdate" was posting pictures of them in college and I didn't really like it. Especially since she was on his lap in one. He said he was sorry if it upset me and then asked if the pictures of him were good. Then he said they never dated, were just friends and he was in a santa suit lots of girls sat on his lap. Which he has a point.
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I don't really see how it's an invasion of privacy. He shouldn't have anything in his inbox he doesn't mind sharing with you. I have a myspace as does my boyfriend...but we have each other's passwords and don't use it to reconnect with exes. I just see so many situations like yours turn really messy. Best just to delete her and avoid the drama. But if you think everything is on the up and up, send her a FR.
JackJack Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 For now, I would send her a friend invite...and just lay low with things and see how they go from there. If she doesn't accept your friend request...and your husband wont give you his password for you own security, then you'll know something might be up.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Dexter Morgan I can't imagine asking my husband for his facebook password. That seems like such a violation of trust and privacy. but there is now a reason for trust to be questioned. Besides, what is there about facebook privacy? Is there something there that he wouldn't want you to see? The only time I need privacy is if I'm taking a dump. What is there that he needs to keep private on facebook from you? It's not that hee would not give it to me if I asked it's just it would seem like such a slap and as if I was saying I do not trust you, which is not the case. well if you trust him, then whats the problem?? Yes I told him that his "lunchdate" was posting pictures of them in college and I didn't really like it. again, if you trust him, whats the problem? Especially since she was on his lap in one. but you trust him....see where I am going with this? i don't think you trust him as much as you really want to admit. But if you truly trust him, then you have to drop this.
Author greengoddess Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 but there is now a reason for trust to be questioned. Besides, what is there about facebook privacy? Is there something there that he wouldn't want you to see? The only time I need privacy is if I'm taking a dump. What is there that he needs to keep private on facebook from you? well if you trust him, then whats the problem?? again, if you trust him, whats the problem? but you trust him....see where I am going with this? i don't think you trust him as much as you really want to admit. But if you truly trust him, then you have to drop this. It is not a matter of not trusting him. I actually saw it more as a respect issue of her for posting pictures of them for all to see. That if she was going to post old pics of my husband that maybe I should say hi. Like I said the logical side of me did not even see disrespect but more having fun posting old pics of a friend.
JackJack Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 It is not a matter of not trusting him. I actually saw it more as a respect issue of her for posting pictures of them for all to see. That if she was going to post old pics of my husband that maybe I should say hi. Like I said the logical side of me did not even see disrespect but more having fun posting old pics of a friend. Have you sent her the friends request yet? If not and you want to, go ahead, and see where things go. No time like the present.
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 You have no previous reason to not trust your husband, so I understand your not wanting to ask him for his password. But I know I wouldnt like that he had plans to have lunch with her and didnt mention it to me prior to confirming them. Its probable that whole thing has made you uncomfortable , and now you dont like the pictures - when normally they wouldnt have bothered you. Yes - send her a friend request, with no further information. And tell your husband you were made to feel uncomfortable and why. You need not be accusatory or defensive, just state the facts. Its OK!
serial muse Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Hi greengoddess - if you're still trying to think of something to say along with the friend request, here's my suggestion: Tell her that you saw she has some funny pics of your husband from days gone by, and you're always up for seeing more funny pics of your husband, so hopefully she'll friend you. Or something like that.
Heroic Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 My first GF from HS sent me a myspace message. I immediately turned to my wife and said, hey look who sent me a message. My wife knows all my passwords and our monitors sit side by side. We can see each others monitors at any time. No way in hell I would have met any woman without my wife present.
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Nah, I'd do just what you said...send her a friend request. What is she going to do? If she denies your request, she has something to hide. Afterall, if she went to lunch with your husband, then you deserve transparency. If she allows it, then you can see what she has on the page, or it will make her stop posting anything inappropriate. have you talked to your husband about this possible request? Or about her behavior on her facebook account? Or, since you both have facebook accounts, you should both have each others password. No reason for either of you to keep that a secret, and if you have his password, you can see what she puts on there because they are obviously on the "friends" list...right? This is why I don't want anyone with a facebook/myspace account. Too much secrecy and red flags. FOR REAL!!! Social sites could open up a can of a LOT of worms!!! Hate them! But GreenGoddess... if it's really bugging you, go ahead request her. just be ready for whatever personality the jackbox may bring. Some of these biotches are way too balsy and come out their faces. (experienced it myself! And in divorce court because of it!) After the fact, you'll be able to get a feel of what this chick amy really be about. If she was in town and you have never met her, why did they go to lunch alone? Why didnt she just come over your house and meet his family?
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 My first GF from HS sent me a myspace message. I immediately turned to my wife and said, hey look who sent me a message. My wife knows all my passwords and our monitors sit side by side. We can see each others monitors at any time. No way in hell I would have met any woman without my wife present. Got a brother???? (bet your showing this to your wife! JK!)
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You could always send her a private message on FB asking about more pictures. I understand the dilemma. No matter what you do, you will come across as jealous and bitchy. Sorry. My H has connected with tons of old HS and College friends that have started to call him on his cell phone alot. I only ask that they call the house every now and then. Most have indulged my little request. Its a sticky situation. The only part that I don't like is the thirty minutes before he was going to meet her. He probably deliberated about that forever before finally deciding to tell you. I have a male co-worker that moved out of the area that's coming in one month to visit family and I want to meet up, but haven't found a way to tell my H yet. (Notice I said "tell" not "ask", LOL). Good luck with this. It really is a lose-lose sometimes. Maybe your H could ask her to put some security on the pictures that you don't want your kids finding on FB?
DaddyO Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 Here's my take on FB I, just like many of you, jumped on the social network site and started adding "friends" left and right (college, HS, grade school, etc). It went on and on. Before I knew it, I had over 300 "friends". But they weren't real friends. So every couple weeks I "trim the dead wood". I delete names that are not relevent anymore. Why waste my time on people I say HI to once a month on FB. As far as ole' flames. Big no no, def not worth "confirming".
stuckinoz Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 The term "FRIENDS" on Facebook...?? Sometimes I wonder. Are they really friends. My husbands Facebook page is FULL of people that he may have run into a time or two & they are mere aquaintences. Not FRIENDS at all. But he sees them as 'Friends'. He's not picky about who he has on his page. He collects them like it's a hobby. Some bother me, Most don't. The ones that he has collected that DO bother me are old bartenders or waitresses from when he owned a bar 5 or so years ago & hasn't seen these people since then. Lord only knows why it's important to have these girls on his Facebook page. I on the other hand am picky & choosey. Some I probably SHOULD keep up with, but truthfully, I only care about the people that I see on regular basis', family or people that are out of town. I still believe, that for some unstable marriages/relationships....Facebook could be the nail in the coffin, so to speak on said partnerships. On the "evil" side - I do have his password. So nothing shady is going on. And, he could have mine as well, if he asked for it.
OldEurope Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I've said it before and I will say it again: Facebook is a tool of the devil! To the first poster, your idea of sending the "friend request" to the other woman makes perfect sense and you are going about it the right way ("Hi, just thought I would introduce myself..."); be perfectly nice and lovely, don't betray any insecurity or anger you'll just feed her sense of "power" in the situation. Just a matter of personal taste of course, by I have noooo idea why these sites are so popular. It seems all so high school-ish. You want to "reconnect" with old friends? Then call them, visit them! But all this personal voyuerism---I have to ask myself why people do not have better things to do. xoOE
OldEurope Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 My first GF from HS sent me a myspace message. I immediately turned to my wife and said, hey look who sent me a message. My wife knows all my passwords and our monitors sit side by side. We can see each others monitors at any time. No way in hell I would have met any woman without my wife present. How refreshing it is to read something like this. My H voluntarily gave me his email password as well. (We do not have Facebook, etc). I believe in having a personal space, sense of privacy. Not knowing each other's communications is more worrisome.
Author greengoddess Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks everyone. I did do a friend request which she did not acknowledge so I asked husband for his password and of course what do I find but a note in his inbox saying how she thought it was sweet his wife did a friend request. She did not add me though. Just yesterday I got a note from her saying what beautiful children I have and what a nice lunch she had with my husband and that she will call next time she is around this area and maybe we could all have lunch. Ummm no friend request accepted though. I have chosen just to ignore her note.
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