Dexter Morgan Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 And yes, even though my bf had cheated on me, i did get back 99% of the trust back. You can't ever get 100% of it back but pretty close. He could have gone out with friends and i wouldn't of cared, he had no friends though so i had nothing to worry about, lol so the 1% that doesn't trust him...what does that entail? for example, do you give him the 3rd degree if he goes out with friends without you or do you question his whereabouts from time to time?
Author Sad_Fellow Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 we spoke about this other man. She told me that he knows about what happened between me and her, and that he had also recently broken up with his gf (of many years; no cheating involved) when they started seeing eachother. She told me that their thing started as a relationship between two broken hearted people and it went really fast to something deeper...and that's when I came back. She also told me that this guy was in favor of her coming back to me, in spite of his feelings for her, because he understood well the situation, and he also would have liked a second chance with his gf (which is not possible, by the way). And she told me that even now she sometimes speaks to him, because she can't stand not knowing anything about him (that really hurt so bad). She doesn't want to be with him, but at the same time she is very hurt by all this. She has also been very sincere about her feelings. Today she seemed a little bit happier. I want to keep the smile on her face. I want her to forget him... and to forgive me.
Chukky Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Iv been where your gf is, but twice in a year We have made it work but its hard....so so so hard one thing my bf doesnt realise is that it WONT just go away, he thinks I am being melodramatic when i sometimes just cry and cry....try and be understanding, really mega understanding, tell her every single day how u realsie how bloody luky u r. Just take it slow and let her trust u again, but believe me it wont be easy for her. Good luck It is possible to carry on
Author Sad_Fellow Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Hi! A few more months have past, involving some counceling, but I still don't know where I stand with her... She has changed a lot: she has many moments of absence, I speak to her and it takes a few seconds to get an answer, she smiles rarely, she has problems sleeping. It's killing me to see her just staring away, far away...as for the love making...it hasn't happened for the last 2 months. I feel that we were closer 5 or 6 months ago, than now. I know from her that she and the other guy have continued communicating, and I suspect they even met. To my misery, this guy is sort of stuck on her, after so many months he is still single and calling her! She told me that she doesn't want to be with him, because he is not what she wants. But she also told me that she doesn't know either if we still have a chance. Sometimes she tells me she just wants to be left alone, other times she really wants me close, holds me so tight in her arms... Also, lately she stopped telling me she loves me...maybe she said it once or twice in two months... She doesn't bring up my cheating and the other woman, we don't fight...she is showing me affection, but I feel she is somewhere else...She used to have a temper before, but now she is just sad and quite...I omost finished arranging the house, matching the colours the best I could, trying to choose what would have pleased her once...she helped me throughout it, but I could see there was no enthusiasm involved...it was just something that had to be done... She says she feels like a failure, feels broken and empty. I am so sad and feel powerless...and it's my fault!
Author Sad_Fellow Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Do you think all this is a normal part of the healing process?
Sevenscars Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Why do you care about this other man? You cheated on her, and then broke it off. She had every right to do whatever she wanted with any other man. You should be grateful she would rather be with you than him right now. Now you say she is silent, among other things. It sounds like she has become numb. You know why? Because you destroyed her ego by cheating. This is part of the healing process, this is stage 1 of breakup. With you still in the picture, she will never progress back to a healthy self-esteem. Never again will she trust you. Secondary traits alone are not enough to maintain a healthy relationship; without trust, there is little or no foundation for long-term success. Give her a nice good-bye and leave her alone for good. She deserves a fresh, new relationship that is not hindered by your stupid, selfish choice.
Author Sad_Fellow Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Hello! A short update... My girlfriend started going to IC, two months ago. She has become more calm, doesn't cry as often, but it still happens...maybe once or twice a week. I suspect she and the other guy still talk, from time to time, but I don't think they hav met for many months. I am afraid to talk to her about this, because I don't want to hurt her, I just want her to stay with me. We get along just fine, from the outside it's like nothing happened: we work very well as a team. But I still sense her anger towards me, sometimes...the sad part is that we haven't had sex for maybe three months, and a few nights ago, when I tried to touch her an kiss her she rejected me. She doesn't seem interested in me, physically, anylonger... I don't know how to change that, I've never been the very passionate type, more of the gentle, caring lover. Any ideas? And another thing: I discussed marriage (again) and she doesn't say no, but she is not willing to set a date... We decided together that, if by next spring it doesn't get any better maybe it will be better to go separate ways, which is killing me
angela5674 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It seems to me like you believe now that you've seen the "errors of your ways" and have realized what you had with her, she should immediately forgive since you have seen the light on your part. If you want this girl, you may have to spend the next 8+ years of your life building the trust back, since that's how long you were together before you broke it all down to nothing. If spending that amount of time isn't worth it for you (which from your post and subsequent comments it doesn't seem like it is) than you need to chalk it up to a lesson learned in life and let her go. If you care about her like you claim, you have to want for her happiness, even if that happiness doesn't include you. We make choices and have to live with the consequences of those choices.
Bobita Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Thanks for replying! I am willing to spend my life building back the trust if that's what it takes, because now I am sure she can make me happy. But I'm not sure anymore if I can still make her happy... so far, it doesn't look likely... What else could I do? I try to travel as little as I can, I always tell her my schedule in advance...I answer every question she might have...except for those about my affair...because I think I already disclosed everything to her back then, and it's painful to still dwell on it...Anyway she doesn't really ask about it anymore...
Brightmoon Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 And you call the other woman common!!! The nerve!!
Author Sad_Fellow Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Sorry, to confuse you by mistake. I am on some friend's comp, which has problems of her own and also started a thread on LS. And I posted my reply without noticing that she hadn't signed out...She notticed and told me, but it seems I can't edit it anylonger...
Crusoe Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 You doubt you can make her happy? I do too, but if you want some advice, then for the first time in your life learn how to be a man. A man doesn't feel neglected, a man doesn't get lonely, a man doesn't lie and cheat, a man doesn't pester his woman for sex when she doesn't want it and a man doesn't run whining to strangers because his woman is upset. By the sound of it you have got one hell of a good woman. Her needs are more important than yours, she is the center of your universe, you serve her, your job is to always be there for her and in return you ask for nothing, because the very fact she chose to share her life with you is enough. Its not being doormat, its not being codependant, its how a good man treats a good woman right.
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