Author Sad_Fellow Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 "He WILL cheat on her again if she sticks around, it's just a matter of time. I don't see anything in this thread that is true remorse...he is sad because she's upset, but he's not sad that he cheated...he's not sad that he led another woman on to the point she left her marriage to be with him. He doesn't feel any responsibility in this at all." I will never cheat on her, or on another woman again! I learnt my lesson the hard way, believe me, I would do anything to take back what I did! I am sad because she is sad, and because of what I did, and because of the good things we had which I've destroyed. I'm not sad about the other woman, she knew well what she was doing and I never promiced her anything, I didn't tell her I love her. She decided to take a chance and she lost. And her marriage wasn't working either.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't want to manipulate her into staying, I want her to love me again, because I realised how wrong what I did was...and the fact that she cries about someone else is killing me!!!! You are in pain because she is CRYING about someone else. Now you know how she felt when you $#$%^'d someone else. I could not confront her about the phone bill, because I'm afraid to bring "him" up You aren't in a position to confront her about anything. You aren't out of the woods due to your cheating. So any "confronting" by you would be nothing less than hypocritical. , since she becomes so emotional if I do that....but she herself confesed having spoken to him once in a while and really, what is she confessing to? In my opinion there is nothing to confess. She was involved with him after you cheated and after she left you. And your relationship, in my opinion, is no longer a committed one. She left behind someone who probably meant alot to her, desperate to have you back and she is in conflict. ...she also told me that I have no right to tell her to stop anything, since I didn't want to stop my affair when she begged me to She is right. You have no right. And I guess I didn't realize that when she learned of your cheating that she begged you to stop and you didn't. I really don't know why she is back. She's trying to be honest with me, but it's painful for the both of us...for me it's hard to hear about someone else....and what's driving me crazy is that she's constantly bringing up what happened, not in fights because we don't really fight, but especially at night, when we are about to sleep (actually she has been having problems sleeping since all this happened)...she wants to understand what was the cause, and I just want us both to forget everything. I myself don't fully understand why it happened....Why can't she try to forget? She'll never forget. Would you forget and just be able to completely block it out of your mind if back then you were a committed, supposedly in love couple, and you found out another man slowly slid his member in and out of her, her willingly taking it in, and made her moan in pleasure? Don't think so. Sorry to be graphic...but THAT is why she won't forget it.(only with the vice versa scenario) I already told her that she can call on me anytime, see my phone bill, see my mail, speak to the people I'm with....all that could reassure her...but she is not interested, because she said she can't live like this, in total paranoia. of course, why should she have to play prison guard? what kind of life is it to constantly be suspicious of a significant other? She said she just wants me to be truthful this time. Sometimes I can't recognize her anylonger...she used to be so strong and confident, and now she extremely insecure and confused...how can I speed the healing process (besides MC....we're going, starting june)? the only way, in my opinion, that she can truly heal, is with someone else....someone that will be true to her and that she doesn't have to be suspicious about.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 "And its now not fair to her to not be able to see a man that she developed feelings for just because she is semi-with the man that cheated on her. Let her go. She needs to be able to move on" Actually, she also doesn't want to give me up...I suggested a break up, to try a relationship with the other man...and if it doesn't work, then I would have waited for her...now that I know what she is to me, I could wait for her for years... But she refused, saying that then it would be really over between us, and she doesn't feel prepared for that, because she still loves me. I recognize those feelings....I had them with my xW for a brief period. Its called shock and desperation. the thought that you could lose someone to someone else is a blow to the ego(not saying she has an ego). She simply doesn't know what wonderful things out there await her. Once I realized this, my wife was history.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 "The problem with this relationship in this thread is that the girl still has feelings for the other guy. Things wont get better with this couple until that is dealt with. Contact with him should definitely end 100% or there is no chance." How can that be efficiently dealt with? She decided herself not to continue contact with him, but she said she can't help thinking about him and about what might have been. Or she might be feeling lower than dogs##t that she left a decent man to go back to a cheater. She probably feels like she has done him dirty. Afterall, if the guy is no better than a cheater, then what else is there?
Author Sad_Fellow Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 But it's not that simple...and it's true I cheated on her, but there are other things about me she appreciates. She also, is not the easiest person to live with... She told me that this guy is very nice, and single, but, even though she has these feelings for him she can't compare the years we lived together with this short period of time she was with him. And I am the one she loves. Dexter ... don't you believe in forgiving? I agree, there's nothing worse than cheating....but if I trully love her, and I'm ready to do anything for her, and I deeply regret what I did don't you think it's worth giving it a try? After all, if she leaves now, she'll never know what our relationship could have been.
BCCA Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 If you've ever been cheated on, you would totally understand why she probably wont really trust you again. I understand that if you havent been there, you really wont know, but trust me - its litterally hell on earth.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Dexter ... don't you believe in forgiving? whats to forgive? and I guess I could forgive someone for spreading her legs for another man...maybe. I don't know. But I'd still end the relationship. I agree, there's nothing worse than cheating....but if I trully love her If you truly did, you wouldn't have cheated on her. and I'm ready to do anything for her, and I deeply regret what I did don't you think it's worth giving it a try? No....it may be worth a try for you....but possibly not for her. It depends on her. In my opinion, what is she going to gain from it? She will never forget what you did to her. That is a FACT. Even if things seem great between you two and it never gets brought up again, you can't fool yourself into thinking that she doesn't think about it once in a while. After all, if she leaves now, she'll never know what our relationship could have been. problem is....you have shown her what you are capable of. she'll end up being highly suspicious of you from here on out....what kind of life is that for her?
Ingenue Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 After all, if she leaves now, she'll never know what our relationship could have been. She'll never know what your relationship could have been anyways. Prior to the cheating, it could have been phenomenal. But now there's a very big elephant in the room that cannot be overlooked. She may forgive you in time, but she will never forget your cheating. Every time she'll see you, she'll see the betrayal, the breach of trust, the loss of confidence in the relationship and the man that supposedly loved her. All she will see is disappointment in a partner who is no longer the man that she once knew; you're capable of actions that she now knows can hurt her. The trust has vanished. The respect she had for you is gone. You may never cheat on her again and may never cheat on another woman you're in a relationship with. Good for you; you've learned your lesson. That doesn't negate the fact that you cheated on this current woman, broke her heart and betrayed her. If you love her, you'll let her go and heal, because she deserves a partner whom she can trust completely and fully. Unfortunately, that is no longer you.
Author Sad_Fellow Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 And that's one of my major concerns now: what to do to earn back her trust? Before, we lived together and getting married was the logical continuation. Now, she moved back in with me (at my place) but when I asked her to marry me, she said she doesn't know if it's a good idea for the moment and....that she will only do it once she has her own place (for the moment she doesn't, but she's struggling to get a loan from the bank so that she can by a small place for herself). But my problem is...that could take like 5 or 6 years, since the appartments are so expensive, and she doesn't earn enough now...and I really want us to settle and have kids...I don't want to postpone our life for that long... She says she wants her place just in case...I do it again How can I convince her I won't?
sotired Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 You can't convince her just by talking to her. You have to show her that you won't. What you seem to be missing is that no matter how much you say you aren't going to cheat...you already have. You already betrayed her trust...why should she trust you again? If she was the one that cheated, how would you feel? Rushing her is the LAST thing you want to do if you want this to work. She was willing to marry you until you showed her a different side of yourself and she's smart for making sure that she is going to be taken care of if you decide to screw around again. It's going to take a lot of time and you consistently proving that you are 100% honest and trustworthy from this moment on. It may take a year, it may take 5....Quit looking for a quick fix.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 She says she wants her place just in case...I do it again How can I convince her I won't? You can't. Suspicion will now be there, no matter how large or small the amount of suspicion there is. You did it once already, she knows you are capable of it. She can never be sure you won't do it again. I know that nobody can ever be sure that their SO won't cheat...but in your case, since you already have, she knows its a better possibility.
Flying Burrito Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Sad_Fellow, bluechocolate hit the bullseye. Find a couples counselor who gets that you want to stay TOGETHER but you need help, need the tools to work it. Set up an appointment for this week. You'll thank yourself.
wtfshock Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I wanted to reply to this post because it hits so close to home. I am gonna be frank here and say you absolutely do not deserve another chance with this poor girl. You have hurt her enough already and not letting her be hurts her even more still. Once you cheat on your SO you reduce that person to bare bones. Your relationship after this will not be nearly as strong as it once was. So imho its not worth it to even try again. I was cheated on 9 years ago and i took her back. She didnt try to reconcile or even take ownership of her mistake. During the last 9 years our relationship has went to hell. I guess its because she didnt try to fix it other than allowing me to give her a second chance. Since i was a fool and didnt force her to own up to it....she does it again 6 months ago. If she isnt able to deal with the issue of you cheating, (i wasnt able to deal with it nor was i even allowed to talk about it) then you have no chance at a happy life with her. Once a cheater always a cheater PERIOD. Thats a character flaw and it means you still have alot to learn. Do yourself a favor and learn from this. Cheating does not solve anything and it makes matters worse. If you would have just sat her down with your issues and talked it out instead of cheating on her, you wouldnt be here now. Im sorry for being harsh but i think you need a wake up call.
helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I am not so quick to say you cheated, now give up and move on. Especially not if she still loves you and is willing to take you back, and you still love her. But you do need to accept responsibility for your actions, and do not take for granted this chance that she is extending you. It is going to take a long time to overcome this. People do make mistakes, and people should be forgiven when deserving forgiveness. Maybe you thought the grass is greener... Will you, inevitably, do this again? I don't know you, so I can't say. Time will tell, and please do keep us all posted.... Reassurance and building of trust.... that's where you guys need to begin. Best regards!
Author Sad_Fellow Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Well, last week was like an emotional rollercoaster...one day she is happy to be with me, takes me in her arms, tells me she loves me still, the other day she tells me she can't forget what happende, she can't find her peace of mind... Although she said she will try to cut contact with the man she was with while we were separated, I suspect she still speaks to him once in a while. I know that I have no right to tell her "Stop!", but I am also sure that this closes the door on us even more. It seems she has developed very strong feelings for him, although it lasted briefly, but I recognise her in this: she is very passionate in everything she does! She still has this moments when she starts crying, and they can last and last...and nothing I try can calm her...Actually, when she scries, if I go hug her or talk to her, she starts crying even harder, sometimes I feel she hates me... I didn't want to cheat , I never planned it, I didn't realize how serious it is...and what kind of damage I was provoking...I was just unhappy with her at that time, felt like we were going nowhere (I had asked her to marry me and she had said she was not ready yet...)...and then I met this girl and I thought this is it! And it wasn't!! She was just another girl, with many qualities, but my gf is the perfect woman for me. I always knew that, it's just that last year I souffered some sort of "temporary insanity" I am crying now, while writing...because it's so difficult, I lost her respect...we had a fight last night, and she said she no longer feels "at home" with me, she says she doesn't feel loved anymore What can I do to make her feel that I love her? I love her so much. I don't want to lose her for good because I was immature and stupid. I want her, even if I don't deserve her .... many people have things they don't deserve. And who says I won't deserve her from now on?
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Well, last week was like an emotional rollercoaster...one day she is happy to be with me, takes me in her arms, tells me she loves me still, the other day she tells me she can't forget what happende, she can't find her peace of mind... Its all too familiar territory. I went through the same swings with my x-wife. this is the kind of pain and desperation cheating causes. She still has this moments when she starts crying, and they can last and last...and nothing I try can calm her...Actually, when she scries, if I go hug her or talk to her, she starts crying even harder, sometimes I feel she hates me... I didn't want to cheat Yes you wanted to cheat, otherwise you wouldn't have done it. I never planned it saying it wasn't planned doesn't diminish the act in any way. I didn't realize how serious it is...and what kind of damage I was provoking who knows, maybe she will do it to you someday and you will TRULY then understand. I was just unhappy with her at that time, felt like we were going nowhere Well there are going to be more of those times when you would be unhappy with her.....thats relationships...ups and downs. If you cheated because you were unhappy with her, then you will do it again because if you think everything will be roses forever and you will never have bumps in the road...think again. (I had asked her to marry me and she had said she was not ready yet...)...and then I met this girl and I thought this is it! And it wasn't!! So basically since it didn't work out with this other girl, you now want your gf back? now we are getting somewhere. your gf is 2nd fiddle. Does she know that the only reason you want her back is because the other girl didn't work out? She was just another girl, with many qualities, but my gf is the perfect woman for me. I always knew that, it's just that last year I souffered some sort of "temporary insanity" I am crying now, while writing...because it's so difficult, I lost her respect...we had a fight last night, and she said she no longer feels "at home" with me, she says she doesn't feel loved anymore What can I do to make her feel that I love her? Nothing. Only time will tell. Anything you do will look like you are overcompensating for cheating...but then again, doing nothing isn't good either. I love her so much. I don't want to lose her for good because I was immature and stupid. I want her, even if I don't deserve her .... many people have things they don't deserve. And who says I won't deserve her from now on? Maybe you just need to let her go.....if she comes back, then it was meant to be. I hate to say this, but I think she deserves a chance to explore a relationship with this other guy. He didn't deserve to be shoved aside just because you wanted her back when the other girl didn't work out. That was kind of crappy of her to do that to him, and then keep in contact with him like she is stringing him along if you don't work out for her. So maybe you should tell her she needs to explore this other relationship, or take the time to get closure.
cabarc1 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Look, my ex bf had cheated on me about a year and a half into our relationship. I was madly in love with him and would have never thought for a second he could do that to me. I was devastated!! But i want to say that you can get the trust back BUT that it's gonna take a very long time. It honestly took me about a year to let go of the bitterness and the lashing out at him phase to go away. I would be ok one day and then the next day i'd be angry and crying again. I would honestly say it took me a good couple of years before i felt like i trusted that he would NEVER do it again. I could see in his eyes how sorry he was, he cried his head off everytime i had an outburst over what happened and i just knew he regretted it and hated himself for it. He was genuinely disgusted with himself. You have to try ur hardest to prove that to her. It can be done, but it's gonna take A LOT of hard work on your part!!! And get ready for it to be a rollercoaster of emotions for her. It took me a year before i could quit screaming at him for good. We ended up dating for 5 years and were even engaged and by then, i KNEW, he'd never hurt me again. We are broken up now, for other reasons. I know that if we are meant to be we will be back together. Sometimes we don't know what we have till it's gone, but i do believe we are human and make mistakes and sometimes people DO deserve a second chance.
sotired Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Sad....Why don't you just let her go? If she's still in contact with the other man it's showing that she isn't 100% sure if she wants to be with you. Why not let her go and see if he's really what she's looking for? I don't see how your relationship with her will ever be healthy. If she stays, she's always going to regret it and wonder what could have been with the other guy. It's not that you don't deserve a second chance, that's not for anyone but her to decide, but I just don't think this is going to end well for you. She's found a man she's attached to, but doesn't want to hurt you.....what will you do when she starts to get angry at you and starts sleeping with him...because well, you did it first?
Perrier Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I have a friend who spent 8 years with her ex partner and was married to him for 5 of those years. She divorced him 5 years ago after his infidelity. Unfortunately she remains haunted by this and that was borne out by her breaking down in tears last year whilst we were in a bar and a certain song played on the radio. Apparently her ex hubby had an affair with the voaclist on that track which I found oyt for the first time then. She claims to be over him tho he is still asking for her back, she sees other men, drinks a lot (not excessively but gets drunk every time we go out). Sometimes I wonder if the affair has anything to do with her current behaviour. I asked her if she would reconsider her ex hubby, she says no, she is scared of commitment, then she changes her mind and says 'well I'm not meeting anyone else so I'll see' They've remained on speaking terms and she even moved back in with him, (claims the sleeping arrangements were seperate) so she could save up for her own place which she has now. This cheating business looks ugly. I hope I never experience it
NoIDidn't Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Sad fellow I believe you are truly remorseful. But she was so hurt she got into another relationship and she's finding it hard to stop talking to him. If he knows about what you did to her, he's likely helping to fuel her indecision. I agree that she is likely crying over him and feeling really confused right now. She loves you but she can't trust you. That's fine. Trust can be rebuilt. You mentioned having bought her a ring. Depending on the cost of the ring, take it back and use that money to pay for the couples' counselling. This will be the saving grace for this relationship IF you find a good counsellor and are truly open and honest with each other. Its entirely possible to rebuild your relationship to even better and stronger than what it was before your cheating. Good luck.
Author Sad_Fellow Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Thank you all for answering me! It really is of help... I didn' come back to my gf because it didn't work out with the other girl...actually, with the other girl it was ok, she was ok in every sense, and was willing to work for the relationship but after my gf moved out I just realized what I had lost. I realized how deep my feelings for her were, what she meant to me, how insignificant and worthless everything seemed without her...and what a good match we were, in spite of all the problems. I have been thinking about letting her go since she told me she was with someone else...but I am so scared of loosing her. Even so, I told her that if she wants to try it, so that she can make up her mind, I will wait for her. But her answer was that she wants me, because she can't compare the years we lived together with a few weeks with this man. But still, she finds it difficult to let him go. She also said that if she goes to be with him...it will be over between us, and she doesn't want that.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Look, my ex bf had cheated on me about a year and a half into our relationship. I was madly in love with him and would have never thought for a second he could do that to me. I was devastated!! But i want to say that you can get the trust back BUT that it's gonna take a very long time. It honestly took me about a year to let go of the bitterness and the lashing out at him phase to go away. so are you saying you trust your bf now? So if he goes out with the "guys", and comes home the next morning, or 2 to 4am....you wouldn't think anything of it? Because if you trust him, then you shouldn't have a problem with it. or is there part of you that still doesn't trust him in every situation where before you did?
cabarc1 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 U honestly need to let her go for a while. She met that other guy and has every right to see him and not feel bad for it since you cheated on her. I felt the same way when my ex cheated on me. I honestly believe that he will just end up being a rebound and for that reason, you should just let her go and not worry about losing her. I went and saw other guys briefly when my ex cheated on me and felt like i was allowed to do anything since it was all his fault and he was willing to do ANYTHING to win me back over. If she sees u there willing to wait it out, she's gonna keep thinking about that other dude. Just tell her u are sorry one last time and let her go. If u guys were truly great together, she will come back. Give her time! I ended up coming back but like i said, you have to SHOW her every minute of the day that u aren't gonna do it again!!!!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 U honestly need to let her go for a while. She met that other guy and has every right to see him and not feel bad for it since you cheated on her. I agree. this other man deserves a chance with her. But then again, didn't Sad_Fellow's "girlfriend" treat this other guy like crap by halfway cutting ties with him so she could go back to a cheater. Honestly, if I met a woman, we hit it off, things were headed in what I thought was a great direction......and then she half-assedly goes back to a cheating man....I'd be pretty pissed. I wouldn't want a woman that would prefer a cheater, or at the very least, lead me on and keep me dangling on a string until she figures out if she wants the cheater. This other guy must be a doormat. I felt the same way when my ex cheated on me. I honestly believe that he will just end up being a rebound and for that reason, you should just let her go and not worry about losing her. I went and saw other guys briefly when my ex cheated on me and felt like i was allowed to do anything since it was all his fault and he was willing to do ANYTHING to win me back over. If she sees u there willing to wait it out, she's gonna keep thinking about that other dude. Just tell her u are sorry one last time and let her go. If u guys were truly great together, she will come back. Give her time! I ended up coming back but like i said, you have to SHOW her every minute of the day that u aren't gonna do it again!!!!!!
cabarc1 Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Well i did let the guys know what had happened so they knew before hand. If i knew some guy just got out of a relationship with a cheating ex girfriend, i'd stay clear the hell away cause i know how that is going to end up!! And yes, even though my bf had cheated on me, i did get back 99% of the trust back. You can't ever get 100% of it back but pretty close. He could have gone out with friends and i wouldn't of cared, he had no friends though so i had nothing to worry about, lol
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