I cheated, came back...what next?

[Sad_Fellow]

Hi, everybody!

I'm new here, as a poster, but not so new as a reader.

I'll try to make it as short as I can...although there's so much to tell.

I've been with my gf for the last 8 years, she's been the love of my life. Last year, she had a lot of work to do (she's an overachiever) so I began to feel her more cold, didn't feel like I was getting from her the same love and affection. At the same time I met a girl, we started speaking on the phone and eventually had an affair. I had never cheated on my gf afain, so it was really tough lying to her, but I was like a totally different person.

Meanwhile, my gf was busy with her job, even left the country for a few weeks. While she was gone, I called her and told her it was over, I didn't love her any more. I denied beeing with someone else.

Her reaction was immediate, she came back to see what was wrong, telling me she loves me and would do anything to make everything right.

The next few month were horrible: we still lived together, but I was decided to break i off, she suffered alot, lost 12 kilos, had depression...tryed everything, but I was blind. Then she found out about the affair, but not from me.

After having found out she immediately packed her stuff, rented something and left.

For the next month she didn't call me, text me nothing...or answered my messages.

I really started missing her so much, and now all I wanted was to be with her again. It was difficult because the other woman would not let me go, even had divorced her husband to be with me. But I really wanted my gf back so I left her for good.

My gf agreed to give me a second chance...so it's been now omost 6 months of trying, but it's not going anywhere. She's still very disappointed in me, doesn't trust me at all, refuses to make plans with me, cries all the time after we make love, wakes up at night crying ... she says she loves me, but she feels a lot is lost.

Just to complicate things, while we were separated she was with a man (she told me herself about this), which she still has feelings about.

She promiced not to speak or see him, but says she can't force herself not to think about him.

We are both so tired, I just want to be with her, and have it all back.

What else could I do?

[Lishy]

I think you should let her go and find a man who will not cheat on her! A man mature enough to be able to cope with the pressures of life without falling into another girls arms.

 

She cries and cannot sleep because you betrayed her! You caused this and you should leave her and let her find a man who deserves her.

[wiseup]

She even divorced her husband to be with you?!

 

Poor decision on her part. I guess it's a hard life lesson learned. I don't know if this is what you wanna hear. But if things don't improve with your gf, who apparently has a hard time coping with all this and possibly never will be able to do so, and if you still want a shot at happiness in life, maybe just maybe you should consider working things out with the other girl, if she'll still have you after what you've done to her.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.

[sotired]

Oh poor pitiful me...I cheated and have to deal with the consequences:rolleyes:

 

Let her go. Leave her alone. You didn't even tell her you cheated! Just tried to hide it and put all of the blame for the bad relationship on her...People like you quite frankly...just suck.

[loser101]

the other woman wouldn't let you go and she divorced her husband for you. your original partner was at fault because she was so busy with work she neglected you.

 

it's always other people isn't it? how about taking some responsibility for your actions and dealing with the consequences? your girlfriend is crying because she knows already that she has no future with you.

[bluechocolate]

Sad_Fellow, I think it's a good thing that you & your g/friend of 8 years have decided to try & make the relationship work.

 

... she says she loves me, but she feels a lot is lost.

 

Well a lot is lost & you have to accept that it is never going to be the same, in fact it could even be better. But that isn't going to happen just because you've both decided to give it another go. It will take a lot of work & open, honest communication. There will be a lot of tears & most likely a lot said that neither of you is going to want to hear.

 

Have you both considered relationship counseling ? If not, I seriously think you should.

[Sad_Fellow]

Thank you all for replying!

First of all, I have absolutely no interest in making it work with the other girl. She is ok, but after having gone through all this I realised she is just not want I want, she's just a common girl. But my gf is so special, even the way she reacted through all this, trying not to say anything bad about me or the other woaman, just trying to show me what I was about to lose...made me realise she's the one! I'm just an idiot for having to do this to see. But she gave me a second chance and I want to make the best of it.

We communicate well, we do everything together ... I never contacted the other girl again...but my gf spoke a few times with that man she was with, and then confesed to me about speaking to him. It's very painful for me to know she developed feelings for someone else, but nothing is more important for me now than making it up to her.

I'm spending all my time arranging the house for her, the way she likes it, bought her the ring. She told me she can't marry me for the moment, because she's not sure of her feelings, and of my decision. She also said she loves me, but she is so sad it's killing me.

We got together at 21, and it was the first serious relationship for the both of us.

I just don't know how to react when she is sad...especially at night she starts crying and crying, like a baby and I can't do anything to calm her down.

She says that she feels it would be better for her to leave, and be on her own, but she doesn't feel prepared to give "us" up.

She suggested MC, but our finances are quite low right now, so we can't afford that.

Any ideas about cheering her up?

[sotired]

You aren't just going to "cheer her up"

 

You don't understand how serious this is...You think it's a minor bump. She is devastated. And you are really lucky she's still speaking to you.

 

Rearranging her furniture isn't going to fix anything...You are totally downplaying what you did...and the next time she's busy with work you'll probably go out and do it again....because in your head, everything is hunky dory on your end.

 

I don't care if you have to work a second job...get the funds for MC if you want this to have any chance of working. She is going to have a lot to deal with, and without someone helping her put her feelings in perspective...she's likely to leave you.

[bluechocolate]

She suggested MC, but our finances are quite low right now, so we can't afford that.

Many counselors will work on a pay-what-you-can basis. Do some research & try to find a few. I really think you're both going to need this for the relationship to come out the other end stronger. Also you should try digging around on the internet for info on relationships surviving infidelity.

[copaisking]

you cheated on her. game over.

 

let her go and find someone who won't cheat on her.

[Ingenue]

Sad_Fellow,

 

I don't think you realize the magnitude of your betrayal to your girlfriend. Speaking from experience as a person who has been (emotionally) cheated on, I'd say that it would be best to say goodbye to the relationship and find another woman. Use this experience as a learning guide so that you will never cheat on another woman again. Genuinely reflect on your behaviour. Be cognizant of how your actions have consequences and can hurt others. Be accountable, apologize and mean it. If this were me, all I would think every time I'd see you is, "once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

You had a relationship with her for 8 years, during which time a strong foundation was built. Your cheating demolished that foundation to its very core. To make matters worse was the fact that she found out about the cheating from someone other than you. You didn't even accept responsibility or accountability for what you had done. You cannot blame her for feeling the way she does. She most likely has no respect for you or trust in you; both of these you need to earn back before any form of relationship can be renewed.

 

You're very lucky that she's giving you a second chance, but don't expect the road to happiness to be soon. You don't build a bridge in a day when there's still so many pieces to pick and sort out. Expect a long, arduous road ahead.

[bentnotbroken]

The best thing that you can do for her is to let her go. If you want her to be healthy again, consider moving on.

[lonelypiscesguy]

Wow...and I felt bad for calling my ex GF drunk and leaving L.A. without saying goodbye (a couple of reasons why she broke up with me). And she said I was selfish and thoughtless! What you did was lame and you're still being lame.

[BCCA]

Sad_Fellow,

 

You seem to have a very cavalier attitude here. Like, 'well ya I cheated, but now im back, so how do we just forget about that part?'. It doesnt work that way. Even if she forgives, she'll never forget. And truth be told, the way you've gone on about the whole thing makes me feel like youre not really sorry for doing it, just sorry you have to bear the repricussions.

 

I would leave this girl alone, or come up with the money for counseling.

[Juristhea]

Just forget about getting back with your ex. Keep in mind the relationship failed because you cheated and she was neglecting you. You both had your chances at fixing it and now's the time to clean up the mess and start over again.

 

Just my 2 cents... ^_^

[Sad_Fellow]

Hello!

Maybe from my posts you couldn't feel how guilty all this makes me feel. Because I'm just trying to be optimistic now. I know what I did has no excuse, I know it was lame, and I'm also sure I will never do it again. It's just that I was never in that position before and I didn't know how to handle it in a mature way, but now I know how to guard myself from temptations like this.

My gf is a very strong person, working all the time to improve herself, and up to now I was always by her side. And I'm willing to work for the rest of my life if that's what it takes, but I don't want to give up this relationship because of a stupid mistake. She is so hurt because she feels there was so much to it, and I don't know how to explain to her that it didn't mean that much for me.

Also, when I tell her I love her she tells me that she believes me, but she can't feel it anylonger.

And she admitted she thinks a lot about the other man, but doesn't want to leave me, because she still loves me.

I will try to come up with money to go to MC, she really wants us to.

And what else? I want to marry her, and she's the only woman I can picture having kids with. I know both of us could find other nice people to be with, especially her, since she's beautiful, mature, calm and has a very nice job which she's really dedicated to...but I want "us" back!

And next year she will go to work in Paris for one year, so I have to make things better by the time she leaves...

[Juristhea]

Hello!

Maybe from my posts you couldn't feel how guilty all this makes me feel. Because I'm just trying to be optimistic now. I know what I did has no excuse, I know it was lame, and I'm also sure I will never do it again. It's just that I was never in that position before and I didn't know how to handle it in a mature way, but now I know how to guard myself from temptations like this.

My gf is a very strong person, working all the time to improve herself, and up to now I was always by her side. And I'm willing to work for the rest of my life if that's what it takes, but I don't want to give up this relationship because of a stupid mistake. She is so hurt because she feels there was so much to it, and I don't know how to explain to her that it didn't mean that much for me.

Also, when I tell her I love her she tells me that she believes me, but she can't feel it anylonger.

And she admitted she thinks a lot about the other man, but doesn't want to leave me, because she still loves me.

I will try to come up with money to go to MC, she really wants us to.

And what else? I want to marry her, and she's the only woman I can picture having kids with. I know both of us could find other nice people to be with, especially her, since she's beautiful, mature, calm and has a very nice job which she's really dedicated to...but I want "us" back!

And next year she will go to work in Paris for one year, so I have to make things better by the time she leaves...

So you still want a relationship with her, despite these circumstances?

[Dexter Morgan]

Just to complicate things, while we were separated she was with a man (she told me herself about this), which she still has feelings about.

She promiced not to speak or see him, but says she can't force herself not to think about him.

We are both so tired, I just want to be with her, and have it all back.

What else could I do?

 

You can't have it ALL back....only small parts of it. Hence the R will never be what it was. You caused too much damage.

 

And its now not fair to her to not be able to see a man that she developed feelings for just because she is semi-with the man that cheated on her.

 

Let her go. She needs to be able to move on.

[ExRadioDJ41]

You can't have it ALL back....only small parts of it. Hence the R will never be what it was. You caused too much damage.

 

I don't know about that.

 

I've never cheated in a relationship but I have been cheated on twice (two different people). Who says guys are always the cheaters?

 

If you stay in the relationship but keep bringing up the past, such as in arguments, or if you can't/won't trust the other person again, it wont work.

 

If you understand why the cheating occured, and realistically think that you two can work together so that it wont happen again, even if the trust isn't there right away, I think you can work past it. I think it takes the person thats been cheated on to really be a better person than the cheater and proactively try not to keep bringing it up, etc. If you completely leave it in the past, I think all the feelings can return, and the relationship can rebuild if there was something to rebuild on. It does take time. For my last relationship, I can say it took about a year after the cheating for things to be better.

 

The problem with this relationship in this thread is that the girl still has feelings for the other guy. Things wont get better with this couple until that is dealt with. Contact with him should definitely end 100% or there is no chance. Even if she is saying, or even trying, to give her original relationship another chance, it wont work with the other guy out there in the wings... It is also of course going to be difficult to convince the girl to give the other guy up because you've cheated, and because she has feelings for him now. You are going to have to give her some really good reason to.

 

Counseling should help you both feel as if you are proactively working toward your goal of a positive relationship. It would help put you both on the same team.

[sotired]

Why are people spinning this thread to make it about his girlfriend and the man she met AFTER he cheated?

 

No one said only men cheat.....but if the woman was an OP, people would be jumping on her a lot more than this guy is getting....and you can see that even though he was the only one in the wrong, some posters are saying she neglected him, she was talking to another man, etc.

 

People always have some way to excuse cheating. There is no excuse. OP is a selfish person who thinks the grass is greener and doesn't care how many people he hurts in the process. Why would ANY woman want that?

 

I hope his girl comes to her senses and dumps him...It's the only way people like him learn their lessons...He WILL cheat on her again if she sticks around, it's just a matter of time. I don't see anything in this thread that is true remorse...he is sad because she's upset, but he's not sad that he cheated...he's not sad that he led another woman on to the point she left her marriage to be with him. He doesn't feel any responsibility in this at all.

 

I'm not going to offer him advice on how to manipulate her into staying....that is what he's hoping to get from this thread.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you understand why the cheating occured, and realistically think that you two can work together so that it wont happen again, even if the trust isn't there right away, I think you can work past it.

 

If I was to have truly done something to push away a SO, I can learn from it and understand it.

 

But I will take what I have learned and apply it to future relationships....not with the cheater.

 

 

I think it takes the person thats been cheated on to really be a better person than the cheater and proactively try not to keep bringing it up, etc.

 

Thats kind of by default in my opinion:rolleyes:

 

 

The problem with this relationship in this thread is that the girl still has feelings for the other guy.

 

No, the problem was he cheated in the first place. There would be no feelings for another guy if she didn't pack her stuff and left the R, then to find someone else during that time.

 

The problem I have is, she probably left a good man for a cheater. So this other man she has feelings for would do well to move on. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with someone that seemed to choose a cheater over me. However I realize she might be confused, so hopefully she comes to her senses and realizes a possibly good man may be waiting in the wings while she is struggling with the pain the OP has caused her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why are people spinning this thread to make it about his girlfriend and the man she met AFTER he cheated?

 

Bumped, because this comment is spot on.

[Sad_Fellow]

I am very sorry for how stupid I was, for what I did to her and the other woman ... to the point where I became so nervous that I started smoking, and I've never smoked in my life!

Meanwhile, I checked my gf's phone bill and she's had many calls and messages to a single phone number, in the last few months...but no calls or messages in the last month. And from what I've notticed she has been very sad in the last month, so I guessed that it must have been very difficult for her to stop speaking to him... I can't believe where we are now....we used to be so close, we used to completely trust eachother and I ruined that.

I don't want to manipulate her into staying, I want her to love me again, because I realised how wrong what I did was...and the fact that she cries about someone else is killing me!!!!

I could not confront her about the phone bill, because I'm afraid to bring "him" up, since she becomes so emotional if I do that....but she herself confesed having spoken to him once in a while...she also told me that I have no right to tell her to stop anything, since I didn't want to stop my affair when she begged me to, I only stopped when I wanted to...

She's trying to be honest with me, but it's painful for the both of us...for me it's hard to hear about someone else....and what's driving me crazy is that she's constantly bringing up what happened, not in fights because we don't really fight, but especially at night, when we are about to sleep (actually she has been having problems sleeping since all this happened)...she wants to understand what was the cause, and I just want us both to forget everything. I myself don't fully understand why it happened....Why can't she try to forget?

Also, before all this my gf used to be the type that never questions you about your whereabouts, she trusted me completely, even if I used to spend some nights at my friends' she just wanted to know I was ok and safe...to my shame, this is one of the reasons it was so "easy" to cheat on her...she never suspected anything until I told her I don't love her anymore...even then, although all her friends told her it must be someone else, she could not conceive the idea....and now, if I stay out longer and don't answer a call immediately....she has some sort of panic attacks, starts crying and crying...talks about breaking up, and it's soo difficult to calm her down.

I already told her that she can call on me anytime, see my phone bill, see my mail, speak to the people I'm with....all that could reassure her...but she is not interested, because she said she can't live like this, in total paranoia. She said she just wants me to be truthful this time.

Sometimes I can't recognize her anylonger...she used to be so strong and confident, and now she extremely insecure and confused...how can I speed the healing process (besides MC....we're going, starting june)?

[Sad_Fellow]

"And its now not fair to her to not be able to see a man that she developed feelings for just because she is semi-with the man that cheated on her.

 

Let her go. She needs to be able to move on"

 

Actually, she also doesn't want to give me up...I suggested a break up, to try a relationship with the other man...and if it doesn't work, then I would have waited for her...now that I know what she is to me, I could wait for her for years...

But she refused, saying that then it would be really over between us, and she doesn't feel prepared for that, because she still loves me.

[Sad_Fellow]

"The problem with this relationship in this thread is that the girl still has feelings for the other guy. Things wont get better with this couple until that is dealt with. Contact with him should definitely end 100% or there is no chance."

 

How can that be efficiently dealt with? She decided herself not to continue contact with him, but she said she can't help thinking about him and about what might have been.