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[MysticZ]

So me and my girlfriend were together for 4 years. We started dating the last part of high school. I'll admit that I broke up with her twice for dumb reasons, but that was years ago and I have matured a lot since then.

We then got to a point where everything turned into an argument. We were still in love, but the arguing really sucked. After months of us arguing and repeatedly agreeing to quit arguing (which never worked), I decided that perhaps a little time apart would help us. Not seeing other people or anything, just time apart... Well, that was easier said than done- I told her I thought we should take the space apart, which she didn't like. Even though things didn't even change. We still did everything exactly the same.... Nothing changed, but she just thinks that I broke up with her again and now she isn't sure she wants me back because I have "hurt her so many times." I realize where she is coming from, but I told her that this last "break up" was only time apart to HELP our relationship. Not to mention the fact that I told her the whole time that I wanted to be with her and only her... Now it seems that her feelings have changed and she isn't sure she wants to be with me because I hurt her so much. She told me she wanted space, so I gave her a week or so and then things seemed normal. Just as I thought things were going good, she told me again she needed space and she wasn't sure what to do about us. I have tried explaining how strong my feelings are for her and I have poured all my emotions and feelings out to her and even though I can tell she cares, and it all upsets her, she isn't taking me back... I feel my only option now is to give her all the space she wants and just let her contact me. As much as it hurts I feel its my only option.

 

My question is should I just cut off contact, or do I need to let her know that I'm giving her space? I just don't want her to think I'm giving up on us....

 

Also, I know a few days are going to pass and she is gonna call me. Then she is gonna say something like "Call me if you want" or "Call me on this day".... how should I handle this? I mean I want to call her everyday, but I really want to give her that dreaded space. Thanks for any help...

[scootncash]

Hi MysticZ,

 

Here is, to me, the most important thing about breaks, and breakups. Although they are seriously painful and you loose weight, you miss them, you wait for the phone to ring, you drive yourself nuts. The point is that in reality breaks and breakups actually serve a good purpose.

 

Its really designed to be time for YOU. Time to get yourself straight and go work on the things about you that you dont like. Its a time to really look at who you are and how you are in relationships. Arguing is only a symptom where most think its the problem. Arguing is caused from a problem between two people. The underlying issue is missed a lot of times. I hear it all the time, you said it yourself. We argue a lot. The question is WHY do you argue? I dont mean what you argue over but why do you argue in the first place? It could be that you dont communicate what each other really feels about a situation or you dont really communicate to your partner what you want. The list goes on and the solution is to figure out why you argue.

 

Sometimes when we are in relationships we start to fall into an area where we assume that the partner knows what we want or what we need. When that happens and the partner doesnt respond the way we think or feel they should then we start to resent them for it. And the trouble begins. Its just an example Im not saying thats your problem. What I am saying is this: Just a suggestion.

Take a look at your relationship and really think it through. Make a list of your partners good qualities and bad and do the same for yourself. Then make a list of deal breakers. Think about what you want out of relationship. Think about what you bring good to the relationship and think about what you bring thats not good. Its way to look at the relationship from your point of view and it helps to look at where your problem may lie.

 

Relationships are hard and breakups arent easier. Sometimes they work out sometimes they dont. But when a person asks for space give it to them without pressure. Dont keep calling and dont put pressure on them. Give them time to think it through too. But work on you during the time out.

 

I hope this helps. It was a practical advice from my own therapist that helped me through a really bad breakup and it taught me a lot about what I expected of my partner and what I was bringing to the relationship that didnt help it work. I didnt end up back with my bf who i did see for 8 years but it helped me into my next relationship which made me a better person choosing to make better choices and having a healthier relationship.

[MysticZ]

Thanks for the response. Even though it hurts worse than I could ever imagine and I'm not even sure I'm capable of doing it, I'm just going to give her all the space she needs and let her contact me.

 

We are still very attracted to each other, so what do I do if she calls and wants to see me and then she wants to kiss me, or even be more intimate than that? Do I go with it (which is what I want to do), or do I need to avoid that somehow?

 

I just don't want her to feel like I'm giving up. Thats all...

[scootncash]

No one is saying give up at this point. But if and when she does contact you just keep it on the friends level. Show her that you respect her decision and her request to back off for a little while. By doing so you reinforce that you do care for her and your willing to give her what she needs. If you put pressure on someone or you rush back into being "together" then you havent given each other the time to sort things through and you might just reinforce the need to seperate if you come on to strong.

 

If she calls dont initiate the conversation about getting back together. Let her open that line of communication, and if she doesnt, dont bring it up. Let her see you are a safe place and that there will be no pressure. Try being friends for right now and let her find that spark again.

 

Im certainly no therapist but I did have one when I went through my breakup. She suggested several books and two of them really helped. One is Boundries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and the other is Love Must Be Tough -although it applies to the married field the principles behind it apply to those in the dating world as well.

 

Be sure to let us know how its going and go get those books. You'll be amazed at how much they help and how much they can answer a lot of questions and emotions you may be having.

 

good luck!

[MysticZ]

I definately respect what she wants... And I had already decided to let her initiate everything- all contact and converstions... I'm not going to pressure her into anything, but what if I see her and SHE tries to kiss me or something? Should I pull away and explain that we should be friends at this point while she figures herself out? Or should I kiss her if she is the one that moves in?

 

Also, should I just cut off all contact right now, or do I need to let her know Im giving her space??

[scootncash]

I'm not going to pressure her into anything, but what if I see her and SHE tries to kiss me or something? Should I pull away and explain that we should be friends at this point while she figures herself out? Or should I kiss her if she is the one that moves in?

 

Just keep it friends, if she does want to kiss you gently pull away and explain, you both need time to figure things out and that while you do care about her you care more about giving her what she needs and that is time. But you do have to sincerely mean it. Its not a game, its about learning to respect another's wishes but at the same time protecting yourself as well.

 

Also, should I just cut off all contact right now, or do I need to let her know Im giving her space??

I would not suggest cutting off all contact but I wouldnt contact her, you let her come to you when she feels the safety to do so but in the same sense dont let her manipulate you. Protect yourself keep it friends, dont contact her, let her contact you. And if she doesnt, dont get discouraged and call her, let it be what it's meant to be whether you get back together or not.

 

I know its hard so terribly hard not to pick up the phone and call. Work on you go do things with friends or family. Start a new hobby. Get a puppy. I know so many people who have just lain in their own grief and harassed their ex partner or just let themselves go. I'll tell you something honestly about that...you look weak and like a loser in their eyes, they may feel sorry for you but you definitely reinforce the idea that they were right in making the decision to leave.

 

When you go out and start enjoying life without your ex two things happen.

1. You learn to be able to be by yourself. You learn to depend on you and you realize finally that no one person can make you happy or complete you but yourself. + That my friend is priceless!!!

2. You look more appealing to the ex, it makes them see that you are a great person with a lot to offer and not dependent on them for your happiness. It makes them wonder if they've made the right decision.

 

But dont fake it, you must learn to love yourself and you must continue being that way in the relationship if you get back together. What Im saying is you really have to learn to love yourself and be alone and once you do that any relationship you get in is much stronger and more rewarding.

[MysticZ]

I have another quick question. What if a few days pass and she calls me and asks why I haven't called her. What should I tell her?

[Juristhea]

I have another quick question. What if a few days pass and she calls me and asks why I haven't called her. What should I tell her?

Tell her the truth.

 

Don't make it feel like you're distancing yourself away from her...

[scootncash]

Simply and honestly tell her the truth. Tell her you are in agreement with the time needed for space and that your respecting her wishes and that it is also giving you time to work things through as well. She will definitely respect you more for the honesty than just saying something like well your the one that asked for space.

 

Edgar Casey once said take it an eyelash at a time. If you can take this seperation one eyelash at a time gives you the chance to deal with it in smaller amounts than looking at it as one huge crushing breakup.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[MysticZ]

Okay so after a couple days of not communicating with her she text me earlier. The old "Hey, how are you?".... We text for a few minutes and I just kept everything short and sweet, but very polite. Then she text me a few hours later and asked "Do you think I can see you sometime soon?"

 

Then another couple hours later she called me on her break at work. We talked for a little bit... Earlier in the week she said she might come see me at work yesterday, and I asked her how come she didn't come see me. She told me she thought I didn't want her to because I hadn't called. And then she said she thought I didn't want to talk to her since I hadn't called her. I told her that I was just trying to give her the space that she wanted and I was trying to work on a few things for myself. She asked me what I was trying to work on and I didn't say anything specifically, just said things to make me a better person and maybe a better boyfriend. Then she asked if it was to be a better boyfriend for my next girfriend? I said no, just if im ever in a relationship again. ( I didn't want to say a better boyfriend for her because she's told me that she didn't know if she could give me another chance, and I didn't want to seem like I was pushing her)

 

Then she was like well it was nice talking to you, i miss you. Call me tomorrow. And I told her just to call me if she wanted to talk... And I could tell that she really wanted me to call her. I'm just confused because I actually do feel like she misses me and stuff, but I also feel like im headed in the wrong direction too because she said she thought I didn't want to talk to her since I hadn't called. And when I told her to call me tomorrow, instead of me calling her, she was like I've been the only one doing the calling/texting... Mind you, we didn't speak for more than 10 minutes cause she was at work. Do you think I just need to better explain that I'm giving her room to breathe? Or am I approaching this the wrong way?

 

We were together for 4 years.... I'm HOPING that me being distanced from her for a little bit and giving her space will make her heart grow fonder of me again... but i just don't want the time apart to give her a chance to "get over" me.

 

I'm just getting afraid that its too late. We were hanging out like normal, then she said she wanted her space. After a week or two of space, we started hanging out like normal again. Then thats when she told me she didn't think we could be together. So I guess I'm past the point where she asked for space, but I feel like its all I can do is give her space in hopes that she misses me. Anyone have any other ideas?

[Blah Toolz]

The advice you're getting from the other posters is right on. You have been together for a while, but you're both at an age where you've done and are doing a lot of growing up, and changing.

 

Right now, she has all the power, and she's stringing you along. At this point, it's not simply a matter of if she'll "miss you" during this no contact period, or if she'll "get over you." This no-contact is for you. Her mind is already made-up, and you being around answering to her whims isn't going to change it for a second.

 

Disappear, and pretend like you don't exist to her. It's going to be tough... but you've got this message board to vent to.

[Juristhea]

The advice you're getting from the other posters is right on. You have been together for a while, but you're both at an age where you've done and are doing a lot of growing up, and changing.

 

Right now, she has all the power, and she's stringing you along. At this point, it's not simply a matter of if she'll "miss you" during this no contact period, or if she'll "get over you." This no-contact is for you. Her mind is already made-up, and you being around answering to her whims isn't going to change it for a second.

 

Disappear, and pretend like you don't exist to her. It's going to be tough... but you've got this message board to vent to.

Disappearing is clearly everyone's last resort when it comes to ending a relationship because we all have those moments with that particular person and if disappearing completely like changing emails, numbers and even addresses will help you and that person move on, then so be it.

[MysticZ]

I don't see how disappearing is really going to help me... I'm not trying to end this or get over her and move on. I'm trying to do the opposite. I think I will just stick to not initiating any contact, but if she contacts me I will be polite and not mention anything about "us". Maybe if she sees that I'm working on things and I'm okay without her she will come around. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be...

[Blah Toolz]

If you don't go away, she may never have a chance to miss you. Think of it that way.