whguy Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I always love opinions of anonymous people, which I guess is why I'm here. It's nothing that I'm scared of right now as far as ending a relationship, but I certainly want to make sure that things are in good shape for the long term. Background: I'm a 32 year old guy, was married at 24, marriage ended about a year ago (divorce recently finalized) as a result of her infidelity (which I actually learned of over 2 years ago now). While there were certainly issues with that that I have needed and probably still continue to get through at times, I am happy with my life and have moved on. As part of moving on, I did some casual dating last fall with different people and entered a relationship with a wonderful and great woman about 3 months ago. She's 25, never married, and we fit each other's personality to a tee. Honestly, I have never felt this similarity personalitywise to anybody in my past that I have dated. Things have gone VERY well for us. I should also add that she was a good friend starting shortly after the previous wife and I split, completely platonic, but we did start talking a LOT over the course of last summer and into the fall of last year. Also, she is a coworker so we have definitely seen each other at our best and worst already. I realize the dangers of dating at work and have accepted them, so please don't make an issue of this unless it's relevant. Anyway - things moved pretty slow until the end of January when we decided to start dating exclusively and see where things went. We have been spending a great deal of time around each other and having a blast. I have honestly been just enjoying things day by day, not worried about the future and just enjoying things as they come. I do see a wonderful future with her as a possibility, even likely, but I'm just not obsessing about it. Basically I think I am where anybody should be early on. Well - this past month has had each of us meeting the families. Easter weekend I spent with her mom, brother, and mom's boyfriend. REALLY hit it off, got along great, conversation was easy and relaxed with all of us, so it was above and beyond any expectations of what people would expece meeting the parents. Later that week, we flew back to Colorado (we live in LA) and met my family as part of a trip to my brother's wedding. Things went AMAZING. It was like she had been around and a part of the family for years, and she loved all of them and they loved her. On the day of the wedding, she was smiling from ear to ear, just enjoying being there and we were enjoying our time with each other. She was saying that she was getting wedding fever, could see my parents as in-laws, and similar things. While I enjoyed the talk, I sort of smiled and said yeah, that's cool, glad to hear it, and yeah, I'm glad things are going well with us too because I could agree with you on a lot of these things. I didn't want to push the issue because like I said I am enjoying and don't want or need to rush anything. Anyway, shortly after we got back she basically freaked out, started talking about how she's young and couldn't see herself married right away (which I was like yeah, no rush anyway, so why is this a big deal). Then started mentioning that there were things about me she wished were different. Which were incidentally all superficial things, having a flat stomach, being groomed all the time, things like that. In her words, everything is so good, but she wants a husband she just wants to be able to "attack" all the time. I have seen how she reacts to visible changes I make to my looks and it's very good, and if this is the thing I need to do to work on our relationship, and that's all that's missing for her, for me it's a no-brainer. And honestly, it's something I want to do for myself anyway - I've always been active but have let it go somewhat only because I've been working on an MBA program. Do I have anything to be concerned about? As I type this it seems so normal, but she was especially harsh in the way she told me. She had told me of an ex that she has no desire for anymore, but that she was just SO attracted to him physically she wanted to attack him always, and she's just not there with me yet. Was this just a freak-out because things have been going so well and we had had a big week? And the magical 3-month mark? I will add that we had a long talk about it and now that I see what she means - she wants me to focus on it because she doesn't want either of us to "let ourselves go" as we age. And I"m 100% on board with that. Or is it just a matter of time until she leaves me for a better looking guy?
Loxx Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I always love opinions of anonymous people, which I guess is why I'm here. It's nothing that I'm scared of right now as far as ending a relationship, but I certainly want to make sure that things are in good shape for the long term. Background: I'm a 32 year old guy, was married at 24, marriage ended about a year ago (divorce recently finalized) as a result of her infidelity (which I actually learned of over 2 years ago now). While there were certainly issues with that that I have needed and probably still continue to get through at times, I am happy with my life and have moved on. As part of moving on, I did some casual dating last fall with different people and entered a relationship with a wonderful and great woman about 3 months ago. She's 25, never married, and we fit each other's personality to a tee. Honestly, I have never felt this similarity personalitywise to anybody in my past that I have dated. Things have gone VERY well for us. I should also add that she was a good friend starting shortly after the previous wife and I split, completely platonic, but we did start talking a LOT over the course of last summer and into the fall of last year. Also, she is a coworker so we have definitely seen each other at our best and worst already. I realize the dangers of dating at work and have accepted them, so please don't make an issue of this unless it's relevant. Anyway - things moved pretty slow until the end of January when we decided to start dating exclusively and see where things went. We have been spending a great deal of time around each other and having a blast. I have honestly been just enjoying things day by day, not worried about the future and just enjoying things as they come. I do see a wonderful future with her as a possibility, even likely, but I'm just not obsessing about it. Basically I think I am where anybody should be early on. Well - this past month has had each of us meeting the families. Easter weekend I spent with her mom, brother, and mom's boyfriend. REALLY hit it off, got along great, conversation was easy and relaxed with all of us, so it was above and beyond any expectations of what people would expece meeting the parents. Later that week, we flew back to Colorado (we live in LA) and met my family as part of a trip to my brother's wedding. Things went AMAZING. It was like she had been around and a part of the family for years, and she loved all of them and they loved her. On the day of the wedding, she was smiling from ear to ear, just enjoying being there and we were enjoying our time with each other. She was saying that she was getting wedding fever, could see my parents as in-laws, and similar things. While I enjoyed the talk, I sort of smiled and said yeah, that's cool, glad to hear it, and yeah, I'm glad things are going well with us too because I could agree with you on a lot of these things. I didn't want to push the issue because like I said I am enjoying and don't want or need to rush anything. Anyway, shortly after we got back she basically freaked out, started talking about how she's young and couldn't see herself married right away (which I was like yeah, no rush anyway, so why is this a big deal). Then started mentioning that there were things about me she wished were different. Which were incidentally all superficial things, having a flat stomach, being groomed all the time, things like that. In her words, everything is so good, but she wants a husband she just wants to be able to "attack" all the time. I have seen how she reacts to visible changes I make to my looks and it's very good, and if this is the thing I need to do to work on our relationship, and that's all that's missing for her, for me it's a no-brainer. And honestly, it's something I want to do for myself anyway - I've always been active but have let it go somewhat only because I've been working on an MBA program. Do I have anything to be concerned about? As I type this it seems so normal, but she was especially harsh in the way she told me. She had told me of an ex that she has no desire for anymore, but that she was just SO attracted to him physically she wanted to attack him always, and she's just not there with me yet. Was this just a freak-out because things have been going so well and we had had a big week? And the magical 3-month mark? I will add that we had a long talk about it and now that I see what she means - she wants me to focus on it because she doesn't want either of us to "let ourselves go" as we age. And I"m 100% on board with that. Or is it just a matter of time until she leaves me for a better looking guy? Yikes man. If she is already thinking about that perfect man for marriage you should get the hell out, there is no such thing. It will get worse as the marriage goes on, and ending with her cheating or leaving you for another man.... Of course im speculating, but i was married for 10 years and i know how tuff i can be. Some time things can be completely out of your control. What if you get hurt and laid up in bed for 6 months or even forever? Personally i wont a woman to love me for my soul nothing else. Though staying in shape is great and all that but it sounds like a deal breaker for her.
TigerCub Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I believe that attraction is so important in a relationship. Its a given, you have to find the person you're with desirable. However, I think your girlfriend is a bitch for being "harsh" with you in the way she tells you how you can improve yourself for her. And I definitely think its dumb of her to tell you about the ex that she no longer liked but kept screwing cuz he was hot. I think the girl is too shallow and immature. And if she does that crap to you again, tell her about your ex or the gf before her and that tell her that she had a better rack than hers and tell her of all the things she needs to change about herself to please you - starting with her ****ty personality.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Gees...she sounds rather immature. First off, SHE was the one that brought up getting married. Then she turns around and says she can't see herself getting married so young. What is she, bipolar? Kind of sounds to me like she's not quite sure WHAT she wants out of this relationship, yet. I think she was caught up in the magic of the moment (the wedding) and not really thinking when she said what she said. It may have scared her when she got to thinking about it because maybe - she thought - you would try proposing to her, or something. LOL So she decided to put you off by criticizing you. Now, this all very well could be sub-conscious and she doesn't even realize she's doing it. But that was pretty harsh to say what she said how she said it. I've never been outright criticized by a SO - he would have gotten a few choice words from me if he had. While attraction is important, there's also a thing called tact and loving words.
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