Replies, and answered Questions

[these_issues]

Everything you all have said has definitely shed some light. No one being too harsh or anything.. and I mean that on all my threads.

It has all helped. Open my eyes to his side.. opened my eyes to how things look from other people's pov. Brought up great questions and great advice...

So the plan is to not talk to him. That's what we've both been doing for awhile now. (Although- I've sent him some texts throughout our breakup -ended in Nov-.. I see now from reading stories on here... that was a bad move on my part.. I don't think I realized how bad that would suck. and I am sorry for that.)

But back to the point- Graduation is coming up. for me and his sister. and I know from her that hes most likely going to come. Now, he's issues aside on this one--- What should I do?? I know how he feels about this. Having to see me.. starting over at day one.

(BTW!!!!! NO, I DO NOT see him as a *lesser* to me, if that makes sense. I said " I know he's gotta do that whole get-over-me-thing." I didn't mean that in a bad way.. or a degrading/ mocking way.. I still respect him. How he is doing means a lot to me. I know we all have to go through those stages. I'm sorry for crossing any boundaries with that...)

I don't want to make any wrong moves. for one- I know I'm not going to be all lovely on my b/f. I know that's not appropriate. & wouldn't want me ex to have to witness it. x(

But do I look for him in the crowd? Do we make eye contact? Do I smile at him... :/ Do I stop him and say I wish him the very best? What if for some reason, he stops me?? I want to know he exists.. although his view is opposite on that. Do I be a *bitch* in his eyes and ignore him? ...isn't that for the best.

Just a heads up would be nice. I don't want to make this any harder than it has to be.

 

 

and I know, from one of your replies.. that in a way, I'm being selfish. I realized that last night after typing everything. How I'm acting is not Right. for my ex or my bf currently. G**D***** that this is what I've come to realize. ughh. lol.

To all of you I'm being completely open and honest.. open to be ripped apart.. :/

We broke up because I honestly felt like we had issues. We never fought or anything. The relationship was pretty Boss, but their were things he believed, vrs. what I believed.. that became a HUGE conflict with our future together. and of Course, my best *guy* friend.

I DID NOT LEAVE MY EX FOR my current bf. He was there for me through my time of dilemma. He was honestly on the ex's side, never telling me how he felt, but throwing in counter arguments to how the ex would feel, the issues, college, starting over, etc. I spent a lot of time with my friend, talking for hours upon hours of the right decision. I needed a 3rd persons pov. Which is why I didn't spend soo much time with my bf.

so about the cheating part, I know there is such thing as emotionally cheating, now. That part.. I don't know what to say. :/ I guess in a way.. I may have. *sigh.*

But I was talking more specifically about the physical, which is what he accuses me for. I never kissed, no sex, nothing in between! Nothing like that!!!! ever. I don't do that.

In the end, I broke up with my ex. A couple weeks later, I started dating my friend. A new start per say. The first 2 mo. of our relationship.. I guess, he was the rebound. (that's horrible. I feel bad for saying that ) but in doing so, He mainly just helped with how I felt about the ex.( I didn't really want to leave him, it was more of a, need to happen or be miserable on the inside, type of thing.) So he was still my best friend, ya know? I didn't keep anything from him. and then I wanted to make the new relationship perfect.. needless to say, my bad. We've had some fights.lol.

But we started taking it slow and started over with our feelings, and now things are really great. We still have minor disagreements. But I really do enjoy being with him. He's been more than good to me. as I have for him, he says.

So here I am, typing about my ex. Wanting to check in with him, see how he's doing. Wishing things didn't end as Brutally as they did. Hoping he could be happy. etc.

I still care about him. I don't think I could hate him or anything..

even though he hasn't been "polite" (lack of better word) by any means to my new bf. That I am angry about.

But that's besides the point.

and in saying all of this.. I don't want to be with him. I mean, I..cant. Even though I still miss him sometimes. I don't know what the future holds. What if I wake up a year from now, realizing that I made the worst mistake of my life? Idk. But I cant base my decisions off of that. Like I said, I cant say to him, "I don't know", and keep him *strung* along. This is where I say I have to be strong, and just let him move on. I'll deal with my issues when I get there. IF i get there. Who's to say that I wont be happy with the guy I'm with now? I honestly don't see us, not being together. I care about him more and more every day. Things are really looking Awesome.

 

This should have been posted before all the other ones. I apologize. lol.

These are all of my dilemmas.

Deliberate if you want... I know this is a lot to read.

[EmperorR]

I look at emotionally cheating the same it just means you did not have the option to act upon the physical.

 

 

He's your ex you dumped him right? Reading this I'm so happy my ex fiance never contacted me I would probably be broken down and depressed now, once you dump someone to me it's like being ex communicated from the church you have no access to me, you don't get to know how I'm doing, what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with.

 

For the graduation I doubt he will try to contact you, will probably view you as a another person act happy like he's ok with everything even though inside it's probably tearing him up.

 

 

If you wake up a year from now and realize you made the worst mistake of your life? That's life you never know what you have till it's gone.

 

 

And for your new bf, on the ex's side bla bla that's classic going under stealing a gf. My ex fiance told me that same jargon with the guy she cheated with me on "he was so nice, he's like we shouldn't do sex because what about your fiance:laugh:"

 

All that time you spent talking with your new bf while you had your old bf, already emotionally detaching and getting cozy with another guy emotionally hence emotionally cheating. As a common saying is a women rarely dumps a guy without another branch to grab onto.

 

Just my thoughts.

[these_issues]

and your thoughts are completely fine.

 

Although.. I still need help with my one question.

I personally don't know what I should do when we're in the building together. He probably wont contact me, your right. and I believe that. It was just a random thought. But I don't want to accidentally make eye contact with him or something.. I don't know if that would be okay?

I'm just... nervous for an awkward situation I guess. I don't want this to be any harder for the both of us, than it has to be.

Curse all of these actions and consequences, etc. lol.

 

idk. Honestly- I've done a lot of thinking today, and I think my best bet is to just let it go. Work on the relationship I'm in now and let the past be the past. NC, no thoughts, just literally... let it go.

It's hard, but hey, nothing's easy. Thats life, right?

[Moonbloodsflow]

I'm furthering what I already said in your other thread and agreeing with EmperorR.

 

Emotionally cheating is almost worse to me than an actual act of sexual whatever. It is cheating without the option of what many refer to as "cheating". The emotional attachment is the core of any relationship.

 

This is a typical/classic situation of a guy moving in and being a friend while you two are building attachment/trust in each other. You were emotionally detaching from your EX and attaching yourself to your new guy. That's why he feels like you cheated on him, because you did. I've been this guy as I'm sure many other guys have. I'm not proud of it but what do you expect the new guy to say or do? Not be there for you? He's going to tell you what is in his best interest and him bashing your EX wouldn't have been in his best interest. What's the best way to get in with you? Connect with you on a level you're familiar with and desire. I doubt he was maliciously doing this, it's human nature to act in self interest. But to act like you guys were friends and just happened to become more is deceptive thinking even to yourself.

 

I'm sorry but you just seem really selfish to me. You keep saying you want what's best for him but all I read is me me me. You don't want to make eye contact with him? Asking what to do if you do? You're going to have to deal with it and personally I don't think you're as good of a person as you think you're. You don't care what's in his best interest, you just wanted to make some sort of contact before this graduation thing to avoid an awkward confrontation for yourself or your new guy.

[vessv6l]

I have to agree with moonbloodsflow here. Your situation is identical to mine except for a few details. My ex emotionally cheated on me, left me because she thought the grass was greener on the other side and what we had wasnt worth saving. You miss those things about someone, humor, conversation, that make a relationship last. Looks fade, sex becomes less frequent over time. Those qualities you mentioned in a partner make a someone a life partner i feel. You have ****ed up by not speaking with your ex about how you feel. THis guy was telling you what you wanted to hear, and you fell for it. If he hadnt come along would you have ended things? One day you will wake up and realise what you have lost because you didnt want to communicate how you were feeling, because you didnt think things threw by yourself, because you had some guy whispering **** in your ear. You say you dont want to give him false hope, you dont know what the future holds. Well if hes anything like me i can answer for you. The future will hold nothing for you and him, not friends, not lovers. It is over, you made that choice. How can you think you can breaksomeones heart and still expect them to want to be friends over time. You choose not to have him in your life and you dont deserve to be. Move on with your own and deal with the loss when you feel it. hes dealing now while you have someone else to sleep next too at night. Decide what you want. Maybe one day his loss will be strong enough that you will realise how important he was too you. And maybe he wont completely ignore you if you tell him so. Dont expect a fairytale ending though

 

Sorry if this isnt want you want to hear, not trying to be mean, only truthful

[these_issues]

I'm not taking the things y'all said as mean. IT IS harsh, but true none the less. I'm not disagreeing about the emotional cheating. I didn't know there was a word for ..what had happened. So I guess I have to admit to my wronging. That was my mistake. Like I said, its ..brutal. But I'm not that "dumb B****" that denies everything and says its all his fault, etc. I believe that it was 50/50.

 

I'd like to point out that, yes, I would have ended the relationship, even if the other guy hadn't been there. Because as I said before, we had conflicting beliefs that greatly affected our future together. These were things that we both personally believed in, for years and years, and neither one of our views were changing. We discussed compromising, but it seemed that I was the only one willing to give up things I wanted, to be with him.

So.. Say I'm selfish. and I'm not a great person. (This site is supposed to help people, not make them want to go cry in a corner..) That doesn't change the facts. Anyway, I know who I am and what I want in life, as well as he. It just wasn't going to work out.

That being said, after the past couple days on here, You all have really helped. I guess what I should say, as someone once put it, that I may just miss him as a person, ya know? He's a great guy. I don't expect to be able 2 break his heart, but still have him around. I know the choice I made and I'm fine dealing with the consequences. I guess the underlying issue is that I wish it didn't end as rough as it did. The other guy aside, if we could have just went our separate ways, like I originally wanted, I'm sure things would be different. There just happened to be someone when it was said and done. My decision wasn't based off of the other guy though. I'm not going to deny that I had feelings for the other guy, but that wasn't until the very end, when I had already pretty much made my decision. I'm strong and smart enough to do things on my own, without having someone whispering in my ear, etc.

and I'm definitely not expecting a fairytale ending. My life's been plenty hard enough, I gave that dream up when I was a child. Most likely, we may just some how run into each other 10 yrs. from now, and say a simple hello and keep trucking. I'm okay with that.

Also- NO NO NO!!! Please don't take things I've said the wrong way- I'm definitely not trying to just make contact with him b4 graduation so it won't be awkward. ..I honestly didn't even think about that- and plus- THAT would only make things more awkward!

Occasionally Ive just wanted.. to say hello. Make sure he's still alive.. that type of thing. Graduation is just one of those situations that you can't get out of, so we have to deal with it the best we can. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have asked 4 advice about that. I WILL deal with whatever happens. Been doing it since we've broke up without any of y'all having to tell me. I just wanted to know from someone's past experience what would make things easier. I can honestly say tho- That part is NOT selfish. Any confrontation is going to be awkward. that's besides the point. I can deal with not seeing him or whatever- I just don't want to make this any harder for him than is. I promise on that one. :/

 

So yeah. I know what happened makes me the *bad* guy. and most of you are ...harsh with your words. I need it, not denying that. It's helps to see things from the other side. Just please, also take into consideration, that the way your raised can play a big role in the things you believe in. I'm not such a horrible person for having hopes and dreams and expectations, and wanting to achieve them.. :/ That can't make me selfish, when that's what most every human being strives for..?

and that the other guy wasn't a choice until the end. I'm only human. as well as all of you.

 

with all of that being said....

[vessv6l]

Yes we are all human. You have differences in your beliefs so you obviously had a significant reason to seperate. My post was more based on my experiences recently but now its clear things are more different then first appeared. At the end of the day its your life and you are the most important thing in it. You made a decison based around your future happiness so you shouldnt feel like a bad guy, although you will appear to be in your ex's eyes for a while. You cant do anything to help him move on, its up to him and time. Be respectful like you said and dont show much PDA around him if you see him. He will heal in time like we all will

[Fiaman]

WOW JUST WOW!

 

These Issues-

 

I was reading your posts and I honestly thought you were my ex! Everything and I mean EVERYTHING you said was the same exact situation, everything from breaking up in November, to the new guy you're with to the sending texts a couple times a month without any response. YOu even sound like she types which is weird. I realized you weren't my ex until you mentioned graduating with his sister.

 

Anywho, by reading your posts and being the EX that is going through the SAME situation I am, I can probably tell you he won't be ready to talk for a while now, until at least he meets someone else or until you STOP TRYING TO REACH OUT TO HIM for a looonnng time. That's exactly what my ex keeps doing and everytime she does it, it makes me NOT want to talk to her just because she can't respect the decision I have made. Yes I do think of (and your ex probably does to) being good friends some day again but that can't happen until THE BOTH of you are 100% over each other and the only way you can do that is if you try and let him go.

 

I know you miss him as a person but that is something you have to be willing to let go. It's a weird thing, the only way you'll ever get something back is to completely let go.

 

Just my 2 cents to this eeirly similar situation!

[these_issues]

lolol. That is really eerie!

But any who, that really is great advice and I agree with you completely. Thank you so much for having read my posts, and giving me your insight. I've been thinking about everything a lot lately and I really do believe that TOTAL NC is the best way. So that's my plan and Im sticking to it! lol

Thanks again.