Crestfallen_KH Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 For those who don't know my story, my husband left me for his affair partner in August, 2007. We divorced in December, 2007 and they are still together. We have had no contact for the most part, other than to square away final details. I recently had to get in touch with him and in this e-mail, for the first time, he expressed an interest in meeting with me. He wanted to be friends and to form a friendly relationship. I considered it for a time, but realized that I wouldn't gain much from this. They are still together, and any clue about their life together still stings. He finally stopped blaming me for his actions and told me that he truly did love me - two things that did help bring me some peace. I finally got what I wanted, which was just to be heard. Things ended so quickly and we just stopped talking and he finally opened himself up to allow me to express how his actions have affected my life. I do give him credit for this, as I think many cheaters don't often put themselves in this situation and it shows me that he did, at least once upon a time, care for me. I wrote him a 5 page letter detailing how his actions affected my life, and now he knows. And that's all I really needed to do. Because I never expected that he'd give me the opportunity to be heard, I was able to move on by myself as I know closure comes from within. I also take some strength in the fact that I finally got to decide something about our relationship - whether we could be friends - and I decided against it. I appreciate that he feels bad, that he misses me and that he wants to make amends, but it just can't happen now, and it's not my responsibility to make him feel better about what he did. Anyway, I just thought I'd post an update for anyone interested in hearing an update to my story. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm doing really well and I'm glad I got the chance to let him know how his actions have affected me. But some scars just run too deep.
Ronni_W Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I'm doing really well and I'm glad I got the chance to let him know how his actions have affected me. :bunny: Thanks for the update, Crest! I'm glad that you're doing so well. Good for you for creating that "space" that allowed you to receive what you really wanted all along!!! Also lovely that you are listening to your own intuition, taking proper care of your own emotional/mental well-being, and being fearless about maintaining your own healthy boundaries. I *love* when people do what they need to do for themselves Wishing you continued good stuff. Thanks again, for sharing.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks, Ronni. I love you using the term "fearless." Thanks for the well wishes.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I can't say it any better than Ronnie did! You did what you needed to do and by doing it, empowered yourself! One huge leap forwards!
Land Shark Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 You have to wonder if the new chick knows he's trying to keep the lines of communication open with you. It's doubtful she'd approve. Especially given the circumstances in which they started their relationship. Maybe that's worth thinking about.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks, TBF. I was hoping you'd weigh in. Land Shark - I did think about that. And I was uncomfortable with it. My therapist said perhaps it was possible that he misses the friendship with me because he doesn't have that to the degree that we did in his current relationship; we really were best friends first and foremost. But it doesn't matter why. I'm glad he wants it, but I'm not going to expose myself to further disappointment or hurt. I'm not doing this to punish him, but to preserve my own well-being.
Confused9 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Crest, Your timeline and story are very similiar to mine. I too wish and hope that I will one day recieve those words 'I am sorry and I did love you' from him. But, I haven't gotten them yet. What it must have felt like to recieve that closure?! Closure is something I never got. Probably never will. congrats to you for that...but more imporantly for allowign yourself to choose what was best for you and not following your heart and rekindling a relationship, even if it's just as friends with him.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted April 30, 2009 Author Posted April 30, 2009 Confused, I remember you and your story. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. To be honest, it was nice, but not needed. I never thought I'd hear those words or be given the opportunity to be heard. I moved on as though he was dead. Had this never happened, I would still be ok. I knew that my happiness or closure had to come from within. Again, it was nice to hear him say that and to know that he misses me in his life, but I already knew that. I knew that he couldn't just erase me from his memories or his life. I knew that 8 years together meant something to him. I know that's small comfort and it's easy to compare experiences but everyone's timeline for healing, realizations and regret is different. I'm grateful that I had the inner strength to move on myself and his words, though nice, were not going to affect MY eventual outcome. I wish you the best.
Confused9 Posted April 30, 2009 Posted April 30, 2009 I applaud you for your strength. You shoudl be very proud of yourself. )
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